Best plan of attack?

[Andrew28]

Somewhat complicated, but then aren't they all! And apologies for the long post .. but i wanted as much detail as possible..

 

I'm male 34 and she is 33.

 

We began dating in August last year after meeting through an online dating site. We took it fairly slow but we were exclusive from about a month in. She is a doctor and in her final year of specialty training so we could only really see each other about once a week between her work and study schedule, but we had a great time when ever we did see each other. She had only been intimate with one other person before me and initially we had a lot of difficulty getting the logistics of sex working right, she is quite small down there and also has a condition which makes the penetration very painful without regular activity.. muscle painful contractions etc.. With practice we overcame those and were doing fine up until about April this year. Things were great we talked of the future and made plans together. In February we booked a holiday to celebrate her finishing her exams that we would take in September.

 

From April she really had to knuckle down for her exams, the way it worked was that a certain percentage of her peers would fail so passing meant having to beat the competition rather than a hurdle mark.. she felt she was behind the pack so needed to put in a huge effort in her mind. She had said that she saw us together and married and me as the father of her children. She asked for me to understand that she would need to study a great deal over the coming months. I agreed that it was the most important thing for her to focus on and said i'd support her and give her her space. We lived separate BTW. From here we saw each other very infrequently, maybe twice a month at best, and in the last few months in the lead up to her exams i probably only saw her twice. Sex after April was virtually non existent, when she saw me she was totally exhausted and the condition she had was getting worse. In May she told me she was going to go off the pill as it was known to hinder memory retention so that meant no sex till after exams anyway Her exams began in June and concluded in August. She also had accepted a training position in England (we are in Australia) that would see her there for pretty much all of 2017.. fortunately I have been at my job long enough to take paid leave for about 6 months and the other 6 months i was going to take as unpaid to go and live with her there for the year.

 

Throughout the whole time we wee together we would text every day at least in the morning to say good morning and again to say goodnight..with plenty of texting throughout the day.

 

From all accounts, hers, her peers and other doctors who i know have gone through the rigors of these exams tell me it is stressful beyond anything they have ever been through. A friend of hers was telling us at a wedding we went to that it took her a year to feel normal again after she passed her exams.

 

In August we began to start to see each other more regularly (1-2 times a week), we went to a wedding and had a great time. The lagging effects of the exams saw her still quite tired and stressed until she had her results (she passed!) and she had a long list of chores/things she needed to get done that she had been neglecting while preparing for her exams. Added to this, she was also on call at her current job, so many of her weekday evening were spent following up patients etc.. so to sum up she was still quite time poor during this time.

 

We went away for a weekend towards the end of August, it was a surprise that I got for her during her exams as something to look forward too. We stayed at a winery and I had organised for us both to get massages in our room and that night things got really passionate, but eventually we were unable to have proper sex because it was just too painful. We talked about it and I was supportive and said it was Ok and it wasn't a problem for me and we can continue to work on it together. She agreed that she needed to go to physio therapy to get help with the problem. Which she did. September rolls up and we are finally about to go on our 10 day vacation to a tropical island location. We had been looking forward to it all year and we were both super excited to go. In the 2 weeks before going she had been very sick with a cough and this was still lagging as we went on the flight. The first night there she was still quite sick and tired from the flight so we took it pretty easy. She had recovered well by the 3rd day and was feeling a bit more perky. After a swim she joined me in the shower and things got very heated, I mentioned that we should head to the bed to continue and she told me that the physio said that until she goes through the course of therapy she shouldn't be having sex.. so I said it's OK we can still do other things and its fine. the rest of the trip was great we had a blast and made out plenty and i didn't put any pressure or mention the sex thing.. I thought we had had a great trip despite the lack of sex and I was clearly very much in love with her.

 

We get back home and everything seemed fine. We met again the following Thursday, things seemed OK but she was a little bit distant. Over the next few days her texting frequency began to be less frequent and shorter.. On the Sunday I sent her a text asking if everything was alright.. After some time she said the dreaded words.. I think we need to talk.. I asked her what it was about and she said lets just talk in person tomorrow. I tried to call but she texted back again that it was late and we should really talk tomorrow. I said OK lets talk tomorrow then.

 

Next day she asks to met at a cafe after work.. I can see the writing on the wall I get there and she has a bag with all the things of mine that were at her place. She tells me that we have become friends and that as much as she wants to be with me right now she can't see me as anything else. She is visibly very very upset and is crying a lot.. She says that it started happening during her exams because of the being apart and the pressures of her exams made her have to focus on that and not our relationship and it suffered. She had originally thought it was just the stress of exams that was causing her to pull away, but said even now after exams she is still having the feeling that I am more of a friend and she doesn't see the situation as recoverable.. basically i've been friend-zoned. I kept pretty composed.. obviously in shock.. but kept it together. I asked if she was sure and she said she was 100% sure. She talked a while more about how if she could change how she felt she would in an instant because there was nothing otherwise wrong with what we had.. said it was a tragedy of the timing in which we met.. not enough time to build a stronger relationship before her exam prep started for us to survive it..

 

She knew how much i loved her and that on the holiday she realized I really did have a strong love for her but she couldn't match it and started pulling away.

 

After a while i was satisfied she was telling me the whole story and it was the truth (she is honest to a fault and I trust that she wouldnt be lying about this).. I told her that she knows how I feel about her, and that isn't going to change any time soon, and that if she is sure that's how she feels about me now than the only thing that might recover it is time apart, so i agreed to the break up i guess. Told her if ever she changes her mind or has doubt that she needs to let me know, and she promised that she would. I asked her to promised that no matter what happens, we would meet again once she comes back from her training position in London..about 15 months from now, and she agreed without hesitation. Without promoting her, she said to me that if i happen to be in London while she is there I should look her up. We agreed to de-friend on Facebook there and then.. she said she wouldn't block me on messages, but probably wont be replying to any anytime soon either. I held her hands in mine for a little while and said we should go.. turns out she parked very close to me so I walked her to her car.. we hugged there for a moment and I said goodbye..I cried a little. This was 17 days ago.

 

I went NC immediately, but broke it 6 days after wards when I logged into the online dating site we were using out of curiosity and saw her profile there..with updated recent pictures.. It was hidden from public view but because she was saved as favourite of mine from when we first connected i was able to see it.. it triggered me to send her a text saying "Hi ex, I hope you are doing as well as can be expected. After a few days of thinking about our situation I agree that breaking up was the best thing for us to to do right now. I did have a few questions i wanted to ask you though..' .. i regretted it immediately.. and then deleted her number from my phone (after writing it down) so i didnt do that again.. Obviously i didn't get a response...

 

Since then (11 days) i've been NC, going to the gym, running, spending time with friends working on myself and concentrating on my own studies and work..etc..

 

In a bizarre twist of fate.. a colleague of mine was favourited by my ex and began a conversation with her on the dating site.. he knew about my situation and had seen her pic before on my desk so knew it was her, she had never seen this guy before so there was no way for her to now it was someone i knew.. he pressed her during his chat to get her to tell him about her last boyfriend and she told him exactly the same story she told me.. said it was very upsetting and sad but it was the right thing to do by me.. didn't lie about how long she'd been single.. told him 3 weeks.. it was actually 2 weeks 3 days but that's trivial. but also added it was probably over months before that and just took her time to figure it out properly.

 

Now.. she goes to London in Feb... and is actively looking to date locals now..which i'm fine with, for now... but it also means she is single..for now. her profile is also hidden so she will only be picking guys to talk to.. and that may also be an effort to spare me from seeing her on there. I know she is really really picky with guys.. like super picky.. so she is unlikely to get into a relationship too soon.. but you never know.. and she will be having all the sex problems with any new guy since the treatment wont be done for at least another month or so..

 

So what I want/need your help with.. I need a game plan to get her back.. I really do love this girl so want to give it a serious chance at a reconciliation, and i think the possibility is there, but i don't want to stuff it up.. I have 2 possible times for re contact which are at this point already agreed to by her.. in London, and when she gets back.. Do your magic!

[Kelley]

If I'm honest the best plan of attack is to let her go, and you need to move on. She has made it clear that she doesn't feel the same way, you should believe her. Also going back onto the dating site, means she is ready to move on. I know for a fact the last thing on my mind is meeting other guys at the moment, because I'm not ready, she obviously is. The fact she is also telling the truth about the break up is very telling also.

 

I think she does really see you as a friend now and was doing the nice thing saying look me up in London, if you are ever there. It's not exactly round the corner from you. Also if she is looking to date local guys, she may meet someone and end up staying in London. Do you really want to hold onto hope for 15 months while she moves on? That's my humble opinion, maybe someone will give you some advice that you rather hear

Edited October 27, 2016 by Kelley

[elaine567]

This was not a passionate "break up" in the middle of a fight ie "Get out I never want to see you again" and two days later it is all back on again.

This was a carefully considered break up and as she said it took her months to come to that sad, but necessary decision.

It is over.

There is no hope here.

Move on

Sorry!

[Satu]

snip

*I need a game plan to get her back.. I really do love this girl so want to give it a serious chance at a reconciliation, and i think the possibility is there, but i don't want to stuff it up.. I have 2 possible times for re contact which are at this point already agreed to by her.. in London, and when she gets back.. Do your magic!

 

*What you really need is a plan to let her go.

 

She doesn't want to be with you and "she said she was 100% sure."

 

You would be wise to just accept this and get on with your life without her.

 

I know that you don't like that idea, but it's the best option open to you.

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry to say OP, but there is no plan of attack here.

 

The real, underlying reason she ended it was because she's just not that into you. Yes, she was pressed for time and stressed. But she's active on a dating site and looking for other men. This indicates she does want a man and is searching for one, but for whatever reason didn't feel the right connection with you.

 

I would also wager that this mismatch in desire amplified whatever sexual condition she has. When we women see men in a non-romantic way, our bodies generally don't cooperate very well. We can't force ourselves to feel aroused when we aren't, if you get my drift.

 

As others pointed out, this wasn't a rash decision on her part. She had obviously thought this out and knew it was right to let you go when she didn't share the same feelings as you. I know you don't want to hear it, but she isn't coming back.

Edited October 27, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Andrew28]

Thanks for the tough but fair appraisal.. I think i know it's not recoverable deep down, but at this stage it is hard not to have hope. I had planned on doing NC and moving on with my life but wanted to make sure there wasn't something I could or should be doing that might help...

[fromheart]

You've been a loyal and loving boyfriend, there are men out there wouldn't have shown the patience and respect you've been showing.

 

Yet you haven't had much back for it. Despite all the patience and understanding you've shown, her response has ultimately been to dump you and contact strangers on the internet. Thats a pretty low return for the energy you've put out.

 

So I've got to ask, why is it that you want her back? So many women would appreciate a man with the qualities you've shown here.

[Andrew28]

It's a fair question fromheart

 

With the exception of her not loving me buy the end, we were a fantastic fit.. she was pretty much everything i could have hoped for from a partner.. and the time together was the best i've ever experienced..and i've had quite a few partners previously. There was a sense of comfort and connection which i hadn't had with anybody else... and she admitted that she had felt the same way..even on the day of the breakup. So part of me knows that she once loved or at least had strong feelings for me..

 

The changing factor seemed to be the stress of the exams and the time and emotional energy that needed to be devoted to it on her part. And she says this is what caused it. I knew it was going to be a strain on the relationship. She needed to be 100% devoted to her study, and it occupied almost all of her waking thoughts and emotional energy.. i became, by necessity, secondary to it. As others have pointed out it could well be that this is just coincidental and that it was slipping into the freindzone before this, or that she was never that into me.. but i feel that conditioning yourself for over 5 months to put a relationship on the back burner could ever see it return to what it was in around a month when someone is also recovering from the most stressful event of their lives..

 

I want her back because i feel that the 'event' that caused the distance was an external issue (exams) and not one that was fundamentally between us and that we are leaving an otherwise good relationship on the table.. but regardless of how it happened the outcome is the same .. I slipped into the friendzone and she found herself pulling away... being together more wont fix that, only a pure break might.. But i guess going NC and letting go is the only way forward either way

[niji]

I want her back because i feel that the 'event' that caused the distance was an external issue (exams) and not one that was fundamentally between us and that we are leaving an otherwise good relationship on the table.. but regardless of how it happened the outcome is the same .. I slipped into the friendzone and she found herself pulling away... being together more wont fix that, only a pure break might.. But i guess going NC and letting go is the only way forward either way

 

The REAL reason she pulled away was not because of the "external factor". The external factor was simply a test, and your relationship didn't pass it. The real reason was, she didn't like you enough to make it work.

 

For most people and relationships, life is rarely a cruise. You will encounter your own problems in work, friends, family, and mutual problems of the relationship. These are all obstacles that a couple must overcome if their desire to stay together is strong enough. If just an exam (and I understand that it's important, not trying to undermine it, but it's something that can be planned for and has an end date) was enough to pull her away from you, then what would happen when you two encounter something even more difficult, something harder to control?

 

I understand you have lots of regrets when you keep thinking of the "what if", what if she didn't have that exam to study for, her condition, etc. But if she was into you enough, she would have tried to make it work; if she loved you enough, she wouldn't have gone on dating sites right after you broke up. When my heart was broken, it took me a full year to even look at other men and think that they're attractive (still didn't want anything to do with them though until much later). Like others have said, someone who could just move on like that, was never as invested as you were.

[marky00]

The REAL reason she pulled away was not because of the "external factor". The external factor was simply a test, and your relationship didn't pass it. The real reason was, she didn't like you enough to make it work.

 

For most people and relationships, life is rarely a cruise. You will encounter your own problems in work, friends, family, and mutual problems of the relationship. These are all obstacles that a couple must overcome if their desire to stay together is strong enough. If just an exam (and I understand that it's important, not trying to undermine it, but it's something that can be planned for and has an end date) was enough to pull her away from you, then what would happen when you two encounter something even more difficult, something harder to control?

 

I understand you have lots of regrets when you keep thinking of the "what if", what if she didn't have that exam to study for, her condition, etc. But if she was into you enough, she would have tried to make it work; if she loved you enough, she wouldn't have gone on dating sites right after you broke up. When my heart was broken, it took me a full year to even look at other men and think that they're attractive (still didn't want anything to do with them though until much later). Like others have said, someone who could just move on like that, was never as invested as you were.

 

 

What a great post. Its says it all.

 

 

An exam is an issue yes. For me, it was due to me having to deal with my sick and elderly dog on my own and procrastinate about euthanasia.

 

 

But looking at it, it was a test. Yes, it was a pretty big test and something even 20 percent less difficult, maybe the relationship would have survived at that point BUT..... some day, the BIG ISSUE would have turned up and the test would be FAILED.

 

 

Like, you I have huge WHAT IFS. The girl I thought was the one bailed when I was caring for my dog. It totally sucks. But, it is what it is.

[VeveCakes]

Sorry OP, no magic will bring her back. Shes on a dating site already...she said it was over months ago...she is dating other people, she has already moved on. I suggest you do the same.

 

I think the "no sex" thing might have been a line because she knew she wasnt into you anymore.

 

Sorry.

[marky00]

I think the "no sex" thing might have been a line because she knew she wasnt into you anymore.

 

Sorry.

 

 

Im not so sure about this.

 

 

My Ex ended it start of 2015.

 

 

April this year, we met up on a kind of "good will" trip if you want to call it that.

 

 

For most of 2015 she had been with someone else and wasn't over him since he was the one who broke it off.

 

 

Anyway, on this trip, we had quite a lot of sexual intimacy. But clearly on a romantic level, she wasn't on the same page.

 

 

I personally believe the sexual attraction thing is the last things that fades with a breakup and in some cases it never fades.

 

 

Clearly my Ex was still [physically attracted enough to have the sexual relations. In fact, from my experience, the sex sometimes gets better as romantic levels taper off for some women. At least that is how it has been for most of my relationships. Maybe its because the sex needs to be better to compensate for the lower romantic feelings or that the romantic feelings aren't clouding the fact that people like to have enjoyable sexual relations.

 

 

I agree that a woman usually wouldn't start to be sexually intimate if they don't have romantic feelings. But once that barrier is passed, the sex can definitely continue, even well after the romantic feelings have faded.

 

 

Again, just based on the 4 or 5 LTRs I have been in.

Edited October 27, 2016 by marky00

[VeveCakes]

I meant sexually attracted to him, not romantically.

[Toodaloo]

Sorry Andrew but I also think you are clinging to false hope.

 

I tell you what though - I am really good at bouncing back from s**ty times and here is what I do.

 

I cry for a bit then blow my nose and tell myself i look stupid with snot on my face.

I get up and think about all the things I have always wanted to try and do but haven't got around to yet. Then I go and do them!

I get my hair cut and hit the rowing machine and this stupid running ap that nearly kills me each time!

I find new and inventive ways to make salad exciting... Yeah thats right!

I walk my dogs and explore finding new places on maps then randomly go and look for them.

I think of the future and how I want it to look and I take them out of those imaginary scenes and put some faceless person in there instead.

I listen to upbeat and happy music

I watch comedy as much as I can and will not touch sad films at all!

I go out and make it my mission to smile at at least 5 strangers a day. I don't see many people so sometimes I have to go somewhere different to get my five strangers!

I set myself little challenges and go and do them

I phone friends and family

I paint my toe nails (although as a bloke you may want to miss that one out unless you are feeling particularly liberated today!)

 

I learn how to live a new life

 

Pick yourself up Andrew. Sounds like you are a great guy and to be perfectly honest we women need guys like you to sort themselves out fast so we can meet you and date you and yes even eventually love you and marry you!