Chica80 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Question for those of you in A, who are a WS that ended their A without a DDAY: Was it a gradual end? If so why did you let it drag on? Did you one day just decide to end it? If so what was that final push to end it? AP states he can't live double life, yet wont end it either. (no comments on this thanks, just answers to questions above)
BluesPower Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 It is hard for a MM to be in an affair. Lots of stress, dealing with multiple woman, it is just a lot. Whether he "really loves" you or not, it takes a big toll on a man. And like with all affairs, most of the time, for both parties it is hard to end. You both enjoy being together, you should be enjoying the sex, and it is hard for everyone to put that down. While for me, and some of my partners, it was just about the sex, no real feelings were involved. Others, while I was not in love, I really cared for them, but both situations were hard to give up. If you think about it, it is hard on you as well, being in an affair. Waiting around, not being able to spend lots of quality time with your AP. I forget if you are married or not, but if you are the stress of an affair is hard for you as well. For me, as much as I like sex and some of my other woman, for now, I am way, way happier with just one woman. Much less stress. 2
Grey Cloud Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 (edited) Hi Sunshine, Our A ended when my xMM found another job. We always said that would be the time to end and our best chance to move on when we wouldn't see each other every day. We had tried to end several times before but it was too hard to break the addiction having that contact at work. The other final push is that his wife became very suspicious. She confronted him as to whether he was having an affair and said that I was on her radar. When he got pressure at home it suddenly wasn't fun anymore juggling two women and he just wanted life to return to "normal" with no extra stress. His marriage was never bad, he just thought he could have his cake and eat it too. He left work and wanted to remain in contact, to be friends. I said no, it had to be complete and permanent NC. After a month this was broken and we have been in LC on and off ever since (past 7 months). I think with no d day it is very hard to make that separation. Like Blues it did all become too stressful for him. He did get back in contact though when things had calmed down for him at home. Edited October 27, 2016 by Grey Cloud
Gloria_Smellons Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Not a WS (I was single and he was married) but I'll weigh in since we didn't have a DDay. Was it a gradual end? If so why did you let it drag on? Sort of. I always said right from the get go that our relationship had an expiry date - I just didn't know when that would be (i.e. how long I could put up with it). As selfish as it was, he was fulfilling a need I had without the 'burden' of a full relationship and at first it suited me and I enjoyed it. Then it stopped being fun and I felt like I was about reaching the end of my rope with it. We lasted just about 2 years, but really I should've ended it after 1 (obviously I shouldn't have started it at all but I'm answering the question!) There was a definite shift in things after a year where he started being more ambiguous and that in turn unsettled me and started making life more difficult. As crap as it is to hear things like 'you're just a fling and nothing will come of our time together', it meant I knew where I stood and could act accordingly. At the time a bit of companionship was really all I was after, so it worked (other hurt parties aside). It was when he started with the 'I wish things were different' that for me was the beginning of the end, but I guess part of me was trying to recapture the early magic. I've learned though that in relationships things naturally progress. You can't really ever go back to 'how things were'. Did you one day just decide to end it? If so what was that final push to end it? Yup. It's a pretty boring story because it was really undramatic - though I am so grateful for that. I'd had this feeling the last couple of times we were together that each time could potentially be the last. Internally I think I was just done. I was ready for something more and I knew that he wasn't the man to give it to me. There was no single event as such, but he had been unable to perform (not for the first time) and he shut down and sulked and refused to discuss it. I just didn't care. Then I realised how awful that sounded. As a human being I think we should have even basic care for strangers on the street, but here was a guy I was in a relationship (of sorts) with, having an issue and I couldn't bring myself to feel anything. I just carried on acting in what I hoped was a normal way, then dropped him off a the train station and that was it. He sent a whatsapp to confirm he'd made the train and that was the last time we ever communicated. 2
Author Chica80 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 Thanks for your responses..... It is very stressful A's are stressful, it's not just fun and games
Author Chica80 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 Gloria...interesting point about expiration. I think this way to there has to be an end this has to end. What is it going to be? What is it going to be like?
Southwardbound Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 I'm currently the OW, but originally he was the OM. Our roles are now reversed. In our original A, over 20 years ago, I ended it, there was no real DDay. I moved house, and simply never gave him any contact information. It was a cruel way to end it for both of us. I realized that if we continued, my marriage would fail. Now we're slightly over 20 years forward in time. I'm divorced, & he's not. I contacted him, as I did all my friends when I moved back from overseas. OM didn't contact me right away, but waited 7 years to do so. One of us is single (me) & one of us is married (him), and it seems like we're back to where we were 20 years ago - just older, but our relationship is tight as ever. We've been doing this now for 1 1/2 years, phone/email/text everyday a lot, plus we essentially live together for part of year. Maybe it was easier for us to get back together, because we never really had a formal breakup? The NC worked the first time because I just cut off all communications. I can't imagine having to do that now - it would really hurt- emotionally.
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 I'm pretty sure you know my story. Mine is weird since my H did find out but we had an open marriage for a while so it continued. It was not gradual, it was sudden on my part. I ended it because my entire life felt like it was falling apart. The final push was he texted me that if it was not for his daughter, he would leave her and I just went over the emotional edge. I was not able to emotionally handle a relationship with someone married and living with another woman. I made his life better and he made mine worse. I left my house and put him on the spot and asked his intentions. He had no intentions of ending his marriage, he wanted both long term, I said I understand but it was over. He just said okay but he was angry at me. Two days later he told his wife a distorted version of it all where I was this stalker and he a victim. I guess he did that in case I or my H told her which we really weren't going to do. It's best to do these things like ripping off a band-aid. While the PA ended abruptly, the emotional part lingered far too long. I recently blocked him on email and honestly wish I had so as soon as it was over. I still see him but I do not talk to him and he is aware he is blocked on everything. I do not feel bad.
lovinDKT3 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 The AP was single, it ended without a dday. One did come later, kind of. It ended suddenly when one of my husband's friends saw me in another city with AP. I thought a D day was coming, but the friend never mentioned it. But the affair was really coming to an end because AP really turned up the pressure to get me to leave my marriage. He even said he would contact my husband because he deserved to know. Really he was hoping it would end my marriage.
Author Chica80 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 The AP was single, it ended without a dday. One did come later, kind of. It ended suddenly when one of my husband's friends saw me in another city with AP. I thought a D day was coming, but the friend never mentioned it. But the affair was really coming to an end because AP really turned up the pressure to get me to leave my marriage. He even said he would contact my husband because he deserved to know. Really he was hoping it would end my marriage. R u DKT3 wife, I read somewhere that you post?
lovinDKT3 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 R u DKT3 wife, I read somewhere that you post? Yes, he is my guy:love:
Author Chica80 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 The AP was single, it ended without a dday. One did come later, kind of. It ended suddenly when one of my husband's friends saw me in another city with AP. I thought a D day was coming, but the friend never mentioned it. But the affair was really coming to an end because AP really turned up the pressure to get me to leave my marriage. He even said he would contact my husband because he deserved to know. Really he was hoping it would end my marriage. Did you disclose? How long was A? What did you think when AP threatened to tell?
Author Chica80 Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 Yes, he is my guy:love: Hahaha so many questions!!! I've often wondered about you? Not in a bad way. It's just the posters I know the most that I read the most or communicate with the most, I feel like I develop these ideas or mental pictures of what I think they are like.
lovinDKT3 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Did you disclose? How long was A? What did you think when AP threatened to tell? I had a quasi - confession during an argument, more of a what if way. But, I saw his wheels turning and he knew, I think in a way he always knew. Complex, but overall it was 20 months. I knew he wouldn't. Part of the appeal for me was the fact that he was a push over. It sounds bad but when you've dealt with a strong willed alpha type for so long having someone softer was appealing. So, really I didn't take him seriously. Besides, he had no way to contact him, social media was in its infancy. He would have had to do it face to face, that would have been a very bad idea on his part, I told him as much. My husband traveled a ton and I could have intercepted any other form. 1
lovinDKT3 Posted October 27, 2016 Posted October 27, 2016 Hahaha so many questions!!! I've often wondered about you? Not in a bad way. It's just the posters I know the most that I read the most or communicate with the most, I feel like I develop these ideas or mental pictures of what I think they are like. I don't post much, with a toddler, a preteen daughter, and a very angry teenage son I don't have much free time. What I do have is spent on hot baths and good books:laugh: 1
Author Chica80 Posted October 28, 2016 Author Posted October 28, 2016 I'm currently the OW, but originally he was the OM. Our roles are now reversed. In our original A, over 20 years ago, I ended it, there was no real DDay. I moved house, and simply never gave him any contact information. It was a cruel way to end it for both of us. I realized that if we continued, my marriage would fail. Now we're slightly over 20 years forward in time. I'm divorced, & he's not. I contacted him, as I did all my friends when I moved back from overseas. OM didn't contact me right away, but waited 7 years to do so. One of us is single (me) & one of us is married (him), and it seems like we're back to where we were 20 years ago - just older, but our relationship is tight as ever. We've been doing this now for 1 1/2 years, phone/email/text everyday a lot, plus we essentially live together for part of year. Maybe it was easier for us to get back together, because we never really had a formal breakup? The NC worked the first time because I just cut off all communications. I can't imagine having to do that now - it would really hurt- emotionally. Wow that is a crazy story....How long were you apart? How long did you stay married after A? Why did you divorce? How does it feel to be the OW now?
Author Chica80 Posted October 28, 2016 Author Posted October 28, 2016 I had a quasi - confession during an argument, more of a what if way. But, I saw his wheels turning and he knew, I think in a way he always knew. Complex, but overall it was 20 months. I knew he wouldn't. Part of the appeal for me was the fact that he was a push over. It sounds bad but when you've dealt with a strong willed alpha type for so long having someone softer was appealing. So, really I didn't take him seriously. Besides, he had no way to contact him, social media was in its infancy. He would have had to do it face to face, that would have been a very bad idea on his part, I told him as much. My husband traveled a ton and I could have intercepted any other form. 20 months....that's how long I've been in now. Although I'm separated, divorcing... Do your son and daughter feel differently about separation/ A? What did they know then at the time?
lovinDKT3 Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 20 months....that's how long I've been in now. Although I'm separated, divorcing... Do your son and daughter feel differently about separation/ A? What did they know then at the time? They were really young, daughter was around one when the affair started. Over the years my son pieced together a story. About a year ago he started asking a lot of questions about that time. He figured it all out. Now, since he knows we will have to explain it to our daughter, I can't allow my son to carry the burden of knowing and her not. Im scared, I've never seen a daughter closer to her dad. She is also extremely protective of her father. Consequences of my actions.
Author Chica80 Posted October 28, 2016 Author Posted October 28, 2016 They were really young, daughter was around one when the affair started. Over the years my son pieced together a story. About a year ago he started asking a lot of questions about that time. He figured it all out. Now, since he knows we will have to explain it to our daughter, I can't allow my son to carry the burden of knowing and her not. Im scared, I've never seen a daughter closer to her dad. She is also extremely protective of her father. Consequences of my actions. Wow that's tough.....yes they are consequences But your H and you reconciled my understanding is you have done alot of work to get to where you are now. It's one thing to live w consequences and deal with them work through them. Don't forget them learn from them but not be forever punished for them. What does he say your H? What about family therapy?
lovinDKT3 Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 Wow that's tough.....yes they are consequences But your H and you reconciled my understanding is you have done alot of work to get to where you are now. It's one thing to live w consequences and deal with them work through them. Don't forget them learn from them but not be forever punished for them. What does he say your H? What about family therapy? Yes, our new relationship is amazing. We have become comfortable with the uncomfortable. He genuinely is listening to me, a departure from our first marriage. This has opened up to great communication. Now, our issue is dealing with the son. He is angry all the time, says I stole his childhood and cost him time with his dad. We have done some sessions minus the daughter, he isn't open to it. DKT3 at first didn't see it as a huge issue, he has since changed his tune, he has had to reel our son In several times. we want him to be free in expressing himself, but there are limits. He is only a year and a half away from college....
Midwestmissy Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 My wh affair ruined his relationship with our oldest too. There's no respect. And that son is now gone to school. It's been the biggest slap in the face to my wh. We dropped that boy off and wh realized he had squandered time with him. Really realized. He didn't even particularly like the mow, she just indulged his entitlement. He took for granted that kids stay kids. Selfishness and entitlement are nice (not really) for short term giggles and satisfaction, but life is a marathon not a sprint. The long term benefits of acting like a toddler don't exist at all. The only person who bawled at drop off was wh. I had had the privilege of spending time on a relationship that makes me so proud. I was thrilled to see him prepared for the next phase - my job was to launch him. Was it Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka who throws the tantrum? "I WANT MORE!" Doesn't end well for entitled brats. Not to mention the peripheral damage that is suddenly so shocking and evident. 2
Author Chica80 Posted October 28, 2016 Author Posted October 28, 2016 Yes, our new relationship is amazing. We have become comfortable with the uncomfortable. He genuinely is listening to me, a departure from our first marriage. This has opened up to great communication. Now, our issue is dealing with the son. He is angry all the time, says I stole his childhood and cost him time with his dad. We have done some sessions minus the daughter, he isn't open to it. DKT3 at first didn't see it as a huge issue, he has since changed his tune, he has had to reel our son In several times. we want him to be free in expressing himself, but there are limits. He is only a year and a half away from college.... Ya í can understand this....mine are younger and needless to say seperation has been difficult on them...of course. My older one 8yr, wants to have "talks" I say listen you are allowed to feel whatever you feel and I always want to know how you feel. Your feelings are your own they are important to me...but you are not allowed to be disrespectful. With a teenage son....that "talk" probably doesn't work :/ I think it's really great you guys are in this place
Southwardbound Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 Technically married 18 years, took almost 3 years for the divorce to be finalized (very nasty & complicated). Main reasons for divorce 1) I had to move back to care for elderly parent - as I was only child, 2) He had A with someone who was my closest friend & he made the choice that the A was more important than moving to be with his family. He is still living with her. The OM & I have been apart for a bit over 20 years. I guess one could say, we've picked up right where we left off. The difference being we are are both older & both have families. I imagine ours is an unusual relationship?
Southwardbound Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 Wow that is a crazy story....How long were you apart? How long did you stay married after A? Why did you divorce? How does it feel to be the OW now? Oh, you asked 'how it feels to be the OW now?' For right now, this situation works for both of us - as neither of us wishes to disrupt our family setup. However, in the future, that may change. I've read about the push-pull thing, and we have had one brief period where he was finding it a bit difficult & was thinking about calling it quits. But, that didn't last very long. I will admit, I think I'd like it better if he wasn't married & it was just the two of us. And yes, I do sometimes get a bit uptight that he does certain stuff with her & not with me. I recognize that is just how it is. But, those feelings are still there & I recognize that is the downside to being in an extramarital affair, verses say dating a single person.
aileD Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 My wh affair ruined his relationship with our oldest too. There's no respect. And that son is now gone to school. It's been the biggest slap in the face to my wh. We dropped that boy off and wh realized he had squandered time with him. Really realized. He didn't even particularly like the mow, she just indulged his entitlement. He took for granted that kids stay kids. Selfishness and entitlement are nice (not really) for short term giggles and satisfaction, but life is a marathon not a sprint. The long term benefits of acting like a toddler don't exist at all. The only person who bawled at drop off was wh. I had had the privilege of spending time on a relationship that makes me so proud. I was thrilled to see him prepared for the next phase - my job was to launch him. Was it Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka who throws the tantrum? "I WANT MORE!" Doesn't end well for entitled brats. Not to mention the peripheral damage that is suddenly so shocking and evident. Yup. Daughter is 16, we have two more years to repair WH and her relationship and I don't see it happening. She's too bitter. She saw him hurt me and I fear that will stay with her forever.
Recommended Posts