It's Over For Good

[He's Gone.]

We went to the same elementary school, middle school and high school together and had quite a bit of the same friends, but really didn't talk or hang out with one another. Fast forward to 3 years ago, we had our first date and became inseperable. I have a connection with this man that's so incredible.

 

We went through a lot the past 2 years. His father, who he was very close with, passed away unexpectedly while on vacation. It was hard on him, but he didn't deal with it much. If he did, it was when he was alone. I supported him the best I could and in December of last year, he proposed to me. I was on cloud 9. I'm close with his family and he with mine. Everything was so great.

 

We were already living together about 6 months after our first date. We built this life together. Well, since then I have been so stressed out for so many reasons: 1) Wedding Planning 2) Stress at work - I'm a Paralegal 3) Full-time college 4) My 17 year old son's license, car, insurance, college applications and tours and football league games 5) Picking him up after practice each day after work, which requires an hour in horrible traffic 6) Cooking dinner 7) Cleaning the house 8) Grocery shopping 9) Finances 10) Anxiety, bad menstrual cycles, and insecurities 11) Help with pregame meals 3 Fridays in a row 12) Keeping up with my son's grades 13) LSAT prep studying 14) Preparing my law school admission package

 

I am so stressed, so me and my fiance would start arguing about how he's sick and tired of hearing me complain, nag, bitch, whine and moan. Those are all of his words. I understand that I wasn't pleasant to be around because I was so stressed, but I never just came out and attacked him or got rude. Most of the time, I was complaining about a hard class or lack of sleep (bad insomnia) or something at work, but sometimes I would be annoyed with how he reacted to my emotions. If I was bummed out or talked about my stress, he would either get defensive or make me feel so low by saying thints like, "A lot of people do what you do and don't get as stressed as you. You just have to suck it up and do it". He belittled my stress.

 

Listen, he's so supportive and everything I want in a man most of the time, but he has this thing about not being able to accept responsibility or blame. He grew up with 5 brothers who all had to constantly defend themselves against each other. Their parents relationship was tumultuous and they divorced. Their dad had an anger issue as well when he raised them.

 

He turns into the devil when we fight. Sometimes it takes the smallest conversation to set him off because he doesn't want to hear my "negativity". He will yell, even when I'm sad or plead with him to calm down. He works himself up in a frenzy until he's banging on walls or doors, throwing stuff, screaming an inch from my face, calling me the b word, c word, stupid, dumbass, idiot, retarded, you name it - even when all I'm doing is begging him to calm down.

 

He recently had his mom on the phone while we were arguing and said if he didn't go he was going to punch my face in. He's never hit me and I know people say it will lead to that. He gets so angry, screaming, sweating, everything. We broke up 2 days ago. Here's what happened:

 

I just failed a $2,000.00 course because I didn't have time to commit into my work. We've argued about his lack of help before and he's improved. He will help with dinner, not that much. He does laundry every Sunday and takes the trash out but is a little lazy about it and I have to say something if it smells the kitchen up. He started picking my son up from practice 2 times a week, after an argument, of course. So this day, I was crying about my course and he was supportive, but didn't understand why I was upset. When he made the comment about my load not being a big deal, I got upset and asked him how could he think that. All he owes is work about 7 hours a day and around 2-3pm, comes home and watches football until bed.

 

So I asked him to help pick up my son from practice for the next 3 months so I could have a mental break between my stressful job and school and he got really irritated. So an argument started. It doesn't take much. He starts yelling and threatening to leave, like he does every tIme he gets angry. I'm such an idiot because I've tried running after him and even tried standing in front of the door so he wouldn't leave. I've taken his keys before. I'm just so afraid of letting him go.

 

I know my behavior wasn't right, but I really feel like it was out of desperation. I know it's pathetic. Trust me, it doesn't feel good. He cries after we have bad fights sometimes and I know he loves me, but he's got an anger issue and blames my complaining and nagging. He says he calls me names because I make him do it.

 

What do I do? We're not talking at all. We have accounts in our names and his stuff is here. We have to talk at some point but I know he hates me. The last thing he said was that he didn't love me anymore and he hated even looking at me.

 

I know I'm not perfect, but shouldn't he be more supportive and control his own anger. I admit when he tries to get away to the other room, I sometimes follow him and plead to work it out, but it makes him angrier. I have a problem giving him space but you know why? Because he starts huge fights over nothing, then threatens to leave and it kills me!

 

He hates me so much. I know my faults. I'm codependent with him because Im just so afraid of losing my best friend. Please help. I can't eat or sleep or even think. Is it all me? He always says he is happy until I stress him out with my stress and that all our issues are my fault alone and he's given me 1,000 chances to correct it. He takes no blame at all!

Edited October 27, 2016 by He's Gone.

[ExpatInItaly]

What do you do?

 

You end this toxic, abusive relationship for good. Yes, he is abusive - verbally and emotionally. I have no doubt it's only a matter of time before it becomes physical. I've been there too.

 

No, it is not your fault. This is a deeply troubled man and he is manipulating you into believing you are the cause. This isn't love.

 

Get him out. Is your son witnessing this? Because he deserves better. And you most certainly do, too.

 

I would focus instead on getting help for yourself, in understanding why you are clinging on to a man who doesn't love or respect you. I will repeat that: he does not love you. Demand better for yourself and improve your own self-worth so you can tell this jerk to stay out of your life. If you think this guy is your best friend, you desperately need to re-evaluate your definition of friendship.

 

And no, it's not going to get better.