Heartbroken at affair end

[MaritaB]

It has never been a relationship I would have left DH for, but it has been almost 15 years. Long distance, 2000 miles away. Got together 3-4 times a year, then down to 2 or 1, and I have not seen him for 3. We have been in contact almost daily, but not so much since my work keeps me very busy these last years. Always a bittersweet relationship, he wanted me to divorce, I told him I never would from the start. He is single, and we are bound by some invisible force. He has dated throughout, never could make one work cuz he was in love with me. My DH was gone a lot, so he filled a need, tho we argued a lot, tried to break up many times, couldn't live w/out each other. I finally agreed with him that probably we'd never see each other (but I still wanted to). He finally met someone he really liked on a date site, then spied on my DH and picked a huge fight over a web page about my farm, furious with me for not telling him all about it before. He told me to F*** Off and I assumed that meant he was (finally) breaking the relationship off. Then I was out of town, miserable, 3 wks. later he texts me and was pissed that I had NOT written or told him to gtfo. He is gaga over this new gal, so why was he spying on me? And if he's in love with her, why is he so mad at me? I called him to talk him down, he admitted I am the love of his life (and he is the love of mine as well) but I graciously wished him the best of luck with the new girlfriend. He said to feel ok about writing, and I felt we parted friends. But when I posted a cat pic on his FB page, he snapped back if I was "breaking it off, he was confused, I couldn't have it both ways." My mistake, I replied -- I thought he was retaining a casual friendship. He posts "I will retain one as you wish. I just wanted to clarify our situation.

Breaking it off, as you assert, appears to have a different meaning."

Now I am afraid to write, don't want to meddle in his life -- he needs to move on (as do I).

 

But I am now obsessed with thinking about him, missing him, feeling empty, alone and depressed. Why do I feel this loss so much (when I have wanted out of it) and how can I get him out of my mind and heart? He is happy with a new love affair to help him forget -- I am pretty much alone with this. No one close to share, my sister died a few years ago, my best friend is in a different time zone and there is no one else I can talk to. This has to end, does anyone have advice? I am so sad . . .

[burnt]

He is happy with a new love affair to help him forget -- I am pretty much alone with this.

 

You are absolutely not alone on this. You have your DH by your side.

In fact, for the past 15 years, you have had your DH and this man--both of them loving you dearly, when clearly you are unable to give yourself fully to either man--cheating on one and stringing along the other for a decade and a half.

 

And, no, this man is not all happy and giddy with a new love.

This man has wasted 15 years of his life on you, while you have been perfectly comfortable with DH and an extra secret lover.

 

This man has already professed that you were the love of his life. This man has already tried many times to move on and has failed.

 

Try to spare some compassion for what he has lost because of your affair--that may help you heal and invest fully in your marriage.

[ChickiePops]

Yeah..tell your poor poor husband that you have been cheating on him and lying to him for 15 years and let the other man go forever so he can finally be happy. You need to be alone so you can't hurt anyone else.

[MaritaB]

I do not begrudge JH at all, I have always encouraged him to find someone else. He would never let ME go.

I tried, many times, but it only infuriated him that I would try. I WANT him to follow his bliss, to get away from me once and for all. Won't it be easier for him, now that he has someone else who loves and adores him, to make the break from me?

Yes, I am sad to lose him. But I truly wish him well, and this woman will be there for him, not the 2000 miles away that I am.

 

And yes -- he has every right to blow me off, but understand it is not without some pain that one loses an important and intimate relationship of 15 years.

 

Obviously this section is for those of you on the "other" side -- but do not discount that a married person can truly love someone besides the spouse.

 

I have been on both sides. DH has had a long history of affairs, which was something JH helped me through in the early years (JH's wife left him for another at the same time). DH and I do not live together, but we will stay married til the last child is thru school. Then he will go his own way.

 

I look not for anyone's approval of my behavior; I seek an answer to heal the painful loss of someone I care deeply for. I was hoping someone here had come through this and could offer a few pointers.

 

-M

[BluesPower]

Here is the thing. It is really hard, in any way, to be friends with a past affair partner. It just is.

 

One of my primary AP's just really had a hard time getting over our breakup. She had a really hard time with it, I finally just had to get her to hate me so she could move on. And while she loves and hates me, it has helped her to move on a lot.

 

You may have to just go NC with him. It is better for you and better for him. If it helps because you still love him, think of it a doing him one last favor, because you love him.

 

You are going to hurt no matter what you do. But it is better and faster if you do not contact him at all. After a while, you will feel better.

 

And honestly, if you and you H are not really together, start dating, even if it is casually. It may take your mind off of it a little...

[MaritaB]

Thank you so much for your advice!

I know, this breakup is very hard on me. And I wanted out! I need to be over him

 

To go NC with him: do I tell him, or just ghost him?

Let him know I am unfriending him, closing secret email accounts, or just blow him off, no notice?

He honestly is head over heels in love with this new woman. He could not possibly be thinking about me in any way -- my bet is that he is "over" me already! Perhaps do nothing about any of that at all right now . . .

[BluesPower]

If you want to send him a no contact letter asking him to not contact you, that is probably ok.

 

But as soon as you do, get rid of all the accounts and stuff and block him from your phone.

 

It is the only way to get over it.