New Relationship/Very Different???

[cerebra876324]

I need some advice, please!

 

I am about 9 months out of a 3 year relationship. I met a girl on match, (I'm 36, she's 35). We have a lot in common, and are both looking for a relationship. We emailed online for almost a month before deciding to meet in person about two weeks ago. We texted a little before the first date. The first date (on a Sunday) we met for coffee and dessert, then decided due to our busy work schedules, we couldn't meet again until the next Sunday. On this date we did one of the painting/wine classes in the mid afternoon. It was wonderful, she looked beautiful, and we had a good time and made pretty good paintings! Afterwards, I asked her if she wanted to go for a drive and she did. We drove around for an hour or so, then ended up stopping for dinner. When I brought her back to her car, I was so tempted to give her a kiss but I chickened out. It was a good day. We have hugged each time we have met, but not a lot of touching and no hand holding. We have a third date set up for this coming Sunday. I wanted to meet earlier, but our schedules didn't align.

 

I do not think she has (maybe ever?) been in a relationship. I brought it up in an email, and she said she hasn't really made time to date, since she has been so focused on her work. I feel like I'm taking the lead on most everything: planning dates, calling her, etc. This also scares me a bit that since this process is all so new to her, she may be scared that I want things to evolve (seeing each other more than once per week eventually, a kiss, getting more physical, etc).

 

Here's my question. This relationship feels very different, in a great way. I really like her a lot. She's smart, career-driven, organized, incredibly attractive, and fun. Everything I'm looking for. However, she is Jewish and I am not. She is very faithful to the strict traditions (fasting on Yom Kippur for 24 hours, etc). I'm not sure how this works completely, but I think she doesn't do anything on Saturdays and only goes to the temple. We haven't discussed this at all. She always is unavailable on Saturday's, so I am assuming this since Saturday is Shabbat? Regardless, she is very faithful to her religion, so I am surprised she is so open to seeing me, knowing I am not Jewish. Inter-faith dating is a big deal in her religion based on the research I have done. I am sure this is something she and I will discuss in the coming weeks, assuming our relationship continues to grow and evolve.

 

My question is this: Should I be concerned that we only see each other on Saturday afternoons? She literally works 12 hour days (8am-8:30pm) Monday-Thursday and Fridays until 5pm. I really want to see her more than once per week, but I am ok with the weekly date right now since we are so early in the dating process. I'm sure I'm over thinking this, but I really would like to see this relationship grow. I really think highly of her and see a lot of potential in this relationship. I respect the heck out of her, and want to be sure I am proceeding in the right way. The Jewish/Non-Jewish thing scares me too.

 

Advice please? Thanks!

[gorf]

Time wise, she seems very unavailable for a relationship (especially given the entire sat taken). The biggest thing is she is religiously unavailable. I spent years in the orthodox Jewish community for work, and I can say she is looking for an escape. But with the Jewish religion, the more religious you are, the more it is not going to work. If she does not come to her senses and realize this is a temporary escape, she soon will once she settles and has to decide between what she believes .. and you. I can tell you from what I see in the family community of the Jewish tradition and relationships, its almost certain not to work unless she renounces her faith. So again, she is either likely to realize this is temporary, or her family and community will basically ostracize her and you and kick you out. Or her out. Either way she will have to decide between one guy or her family and community, and the more religious she is (and her family and community she is involved in), the less likely it will be you unfortunately. You are up against her, her faith, and also her entire community and family who will likely disown her.

Edited October 27, 2016 by gorf
clarify

[cerebra876324]

Oh wow, it appears I'm in much deeper than I thought. I really do like her and she is an amazing person (so far), but I do not want to get hurt. Why would she reach out tonsomeone who she knew was not Jewish if she wasn't going to make time for a relationship? I know she is very invested in her religion, and mentioned to me that she couldn't watch tv or use the internet, etc on Yom Kippur. Are all Jewish people that strict?

 

Again, not being Jewish I do not have the answers. I just need some advice!

[Gaeta]

There are different category of Jewish people. You need to ask which one she is.

 

Depending of her community it may not matter if you are not Jewish as for them the religion is past down by the mother only.

 

I think you should ask her to tell you about her religion and tradition before coming to a conclusion on how things work for her.

[Gaeta]

Just saw she does not watch tv. Is she hasidic Jewish?

 

That's a whole different ball game

[cerebra876324]

She said she couldn't watch TV at all on Yom Kippur or use the internet, computer, etc. just didn't know if all Jewish people did the same. It was to be a day of reflection. She told me she was a rule follower.

[AMJ]

Time wise, she seems very unavailable for a relationship (especially given the entire sat taken). The biggest thing is she is religiously unavailable. I spent years in the orthodox Jewish community for work, and I can say she is looking for an escape. But with the Jewish religion, the more religious you are, the more it is not going to work. If she does not come to her senses and realize this is a temporary escape, she soon will once she settles and has to decide between what she believes .. and you. I can tell you from what I see in the family community of the Jewish tradition and relationships, its almost certain not to work unless she renounces her faith. So again, she is either likely to realize this is temporary, or her family and community will basically ostracize her and you and kick you out. Or her out. Either way she will have to decide between one guy or her family and community, and the more religious she is (and her family and community she is involved in), the less likely it will be you unfortunately. You are up against her, her faith, and also her entire community and family who will likely disown her.

 

This is reminding me of an old coworker who was engaged to a Jewish guy. Her family was a really conservative sect of Christianity, from Russia...cannot remember what that religion was called. It's a really uncommon religion. These two dated for four years, got engaged in their late 30s. Her parents insist that they get married in one of their churches. He said, sure..but the church wouldn't allow an outsider to marry one of their own. So then his parents got pissed off, and started insisting that they get married in a Jewish temple. This poor girl's entire engagement was a complete nightmare. I felt really bad for her, and never understood why they didn't just elope and tell their families to get over it. It nearly ended their relationship. Religion is a really big deal- so it's best to talk about that early on. My friend's fiance would say- "OMG you've never once in four years even gone to church or mentioned being religious. Now suddenly you want to get married in an uber conservative church?" So...people can surprise you! Ask lots of questions.

[Ami1uwant]

you said you are both mid 30s. Had she been early 20s you may attribute this to damily pressure, but at this age see is religious.

 

I have known and have a few dates who were Jewish. They cover a wide range.

 

Some believe that the woman determines religion so with her children they will be raised Jewish and this is non negotiable.

 

Would you want that?

 

Others may be the type where they only do the big religious days but aren't much church goers.

 

My advice...think with the head and not with your junk....

[Gaeta]

She said she couldn't watch TV at all on Yom Kippur or use the internet, computer, etc. just didn't know if all Jewish people did the same. It was to be a day of reflection. She told me she was a rule follower.

 

Ok that's no big deal. I thought you said she don't watch tv at all, all the time. I have a couple of Jewish friends and they all observe the big holidays, other than that they are no different than I a non-Jewish. One of my friend ate only kosher so it was a bit more tricky so when she was at my place or we were outside she mostly ordered vegetarian. I was often invited in her family and to their family event and I keep a great memory of it, very warm and welcoming people.

[cerebra876324]

Thank you so much for this feedback. I know she is very religious, but I never thought that this (dating me) could be her attempt to escape from that? She has a twin sister who lives out of state with her boyfriend. They haven't been dating long (I should find out if he is Jewish... I'd guess he isn't). Her twin sister went to the same college for undergrad as she did, they moved together for grad school, and just in the last year moved away (they were roommates this entire time, until about a year ago). And, she's 35 so I think she's given up on finding a Jewish man and is looking for someone to date. I know she wants to have children, so I think she sees me as a possible serious boyfriend? And it is true, any children she bears are born Jewish even though I am not.

 

I have done some reading, and about 50% of all Jews are unmarried. They are too invested in their jobs, families, and temples. I am not sure how accurate that number is, but maybe she (until recently) resigned to the fact she would be single long term. I do not think she has dated much if at all ever before. She recently bought a very nice 3 bedroom condo, so what does that mean? Why would a single girl buy a 3 bedroom condo?

 

My concern goes beyond religion. Again, she works 12 hour days Mon-Thurs (8am-9pm) and until 5pm on Fridays, then doesn't go out on Saturday except to temple. This makes it really tough for me to see her. We are only two dates in, but my concern is her schedule. I am a teacher and I work from 7am-3pm every day, so my schedule is much more open. We live about 20 minutes apart (which isn't a problem), but when she gets home at 9pm, I know she doesn't want company or want to drive to my place.

 

I would appreciate more advice! Thanks everyone!

[Miss Peach]

Regardless of how much you like this person, the other person's schedule, how much time could potentially be opened to me, and is that's enough time for me is taken into account when I make compatibility decisions.

[Gaeta]

I have done some reading, and about 50% of all Jews are unmarried. They are too invested in their jobs, families, and temples.

As any other non-Jewish people.

 

. She recently bought a very nice 3 bedroom condo, so what does that mean? Why would a single girl buy a 3 bedroom condo?.

Because she was tired throwing her money out the window in paying rent? It's just a smart move to buy a property. There is no investment out there that will bring you a better return on your money than a property. It does not mean she wants to marry or not marry. A property can be sold.

 

then doesn't go out on Saturday except to temple.

You don't know yet why she doesn't go out on Saturday. You assumed it was for Sabbath. Sabbath is a rest day, not a 'I cannot go out day'. It doesn't mean she won't enjoy a home date eventually but again, we don't know why she does not go out on Saturday and you don't know if it's something pored in concrete.

 

My suggestion, if you are interested in her, is to have a conversation with her about how she sees dating someone and how she sees it evolve.

[salparadise]

Her family was a really conservative sect of Christianity, from Russia...cannot remember what that religion was called. It's a really uncommon religion. These two dated for four years, got engaged in their late 30s. Her parents insist that they get married in one of their churches. He said, sure..but the church wouldn't allow an outsider to marry one of their own. So then his parents got pissed off....

 

Probably Eastern Orthodox. You're going to laugh. I dated a woman for quite awhile who was born Jewish and converted to Eastern Orthodox. I went to services too. The older, conservative priests didn't like me. She'd go to confession and tell them we fornicated, then I'd go to services and they'd scowl at me.

 

OP I think you have to bring this up soon. Sounds like she's dedicated to her faith and not thinking about leaving... but maybe she would consider it. Alternatively, you might gain acceptance by converting to her form of Judaism. Sounds like she's Orthodox, not Hasidic. But if neither is willing to make a major lifestyle/religious change then there's not much point in continuing. But if she was on match, she might be considering a breakout.

[Ami1uwant]

Probably Eastern Orthodox. You're going to laugh. I dated a woman for quite awhile who was born Jewish and converted to Eastern Orthodox. I went to services too. The older, conservative priests didn't like me. She'd go to confession and tell them we fornicated, then I'd go to services and they'd scowl at me.

 

OP I think you have to bring this up soon. Sounds like she's dedicated to her faith and not thinking about leaving... but maybe she would consider it. Alternatively, you might gain acceptance by converting to her form of Judaism. Sounds like she's Orthodox, not Hasidic. But if neither is willing to make a major lifestyle/religious change then there's not much point in continuing. But if she was on match, she might be considering a breakout.

 

Likely not orthodox. That is a large religion in the former soviet bloc countries.

 

I recall reading an article about smaller Christian religious groups in Russia and Asia.

[cerebra876324]

Thank you everyone for the advice.

 

I think she must be Eastern Orthodox, and since she did get on match and pursue the connection with me (she contacted me first), perhaps she is open to dating someone that is not Jewish. In our mid 30's, I know I am not (and either is she I would assume) looking for a relationship that could potentially become serious.

 

I do have some concerns about her lack of dating experience. Perhaps when I see her on Sunday we can talk about our dating history (she knows I have dated in the past and had serious relationships). I hope she is interested in moving things along. I really hope the date goes well and ends with a kiss.

 

Thanks again everyone!

[Space Ritual]

I need some advice, please!

 

I am about 9 months out of a 3 year relationship. I met a girl on match, (I'm 36, she's 35). We have a lot in common, and are both looking for a relationship. We emailed online for almost a month before deciding to meet in person about two weeks ago. We texted a little before the first date. The first date (on a Sunday) we met for coffee and dessert, then decided due to our busy work schedules, we couldn't meet again until the next Sunday. On this date we did one of the painting/wine classes in the mid afternoon. It was wonderful, she looked beautiful, and we had a good time and made pretty good paintings! Afterwards, I asked her if she wanted to go for a drive and she did. We drove around for an hour or so, then ended up stopping for dinner. When I brought her back to her car, I was so tempted to give her a kiss but I chickened out. It was a good day. We have hugged each time we have met, but not a lot of touching and no hand holding. We have a third date set up for this coming Sunday. I wanted to meet earlier, but our schedules didn't align.

 

I do not think she has (maybe ever?) been in a relationship. I brought it up in an email, and she said she hasn't really made time to date, since she has been so focused on her work. I feel like I'm taking the lead on most everything: planning dates, calling her, etc. This also scares me a bit that since this process is all so new to her, she may be scared that I want things to evolve (seeing each other more than once per week eventually, a kiss, getting more physical, etc).

 

Here's my question. This relationship feels very different, in a great way. I really like her a lot. She's smart, career-driven, organized, incredibly attractive, and fun. Everything I'm looking for. However, she is Jewish and I am not. She is very faithful to the strict traditions (fasting on Yom Kippur for 24 hours, etc). I'm not sure how this works completely, but I think she doesn't do anything on Saturdays and only goes to the temple. We haven't discussed this at all. She always is unavailable on Saturday's, so I am assuming this since Saturday is Shabbat? Regardless, she is very faithful to her religion, so I am surprised she is so open to seeing me, knowing I am not Jewish. Inter-faith dating is a big deal in her religion based on the research I have done. I am sure this is something she and I will discuss in the coming weeks, assuming our relationship continues to grow and evolve.

 

My question is this: Should I be concerned that we only see each other on Saturday afternoons? She literally works 12 hour days (8am-8:30pm) Monday-Thursday and Fridays until 5pm. I really want to see her more than once per week, but I am ok with the weekly date right now since we are so early in the dating process. I'm sure I'm over thinking this, but I really would like to see this relationship grow. I really think highly of her and see a lot of potential in this relationship. I respect the heck out of her, and want to be sure I am proceeding in the right way. The Jewish/Non-Jewish thing scares me too.

 

Advice please? Thanks!

 

I would ride with it, and see how it goes.

 

I have dated Jewish women before and I'll tell you one thing, like Redheads, they may be many things, but boring isn't one of them...lol.

 

Never

Boring

Ever

 

 

I agree that you are overthinking this. Please understand that she may indeed not have a lot of experience dating not only Gentiles, but Jewish men altogether.

 

I am pretty sure she will be more than happy to answer any questions you may have. You realize you have may have the decided advantage most guys don't. You may be able to totally set precedent with her even if your relationship does not last. That's a plus in any guy's book.

 

I have to say I am kind of sorry you are a Cubs fan. That actually may be a strike against you...LOL Just kidding I am a Die Hard White Sox fan.

 

Good Luck.

[cerebra876324]

I appreciate this advice, and you're right, I just need to ride it out and see what happens. We have our third date set for tomorrow (Sunday, of course) and we're doing a picnic in the park. I am hoping it turns into an afternoon and evening together.

 

I know we've only seen each other two times in person, but we've been in daily contact since Labor Day. I think about her a lot during the week and it's tough knowing she is working these long hours and I won't see her for several days. She worked until 8 or 9pm or so Mon-Thurs this week.

 

Even though it is a Saturday, she did text me several times today. I'm not sure what she has done today, but I assume she went to the temple.

 

There is just so much different in this relationship for me:

 

1. Never dated a Jewish girl before

2. Never dated a girl so close in age to me (she's only 6 months younger)

3. Never dated a girl with little to no dating experience

4. Never dated a girl that worked so many hours

 

We'll see how things go. I do really like her, and I think there is some potential here. I'm just very different from her in regards to our backgrounds.

[cerebra876324]

I want to thank all of you for the advice.

 

We had a great third date, picnic in the park, walking and talking, watching a movie and snuggling on my couch watching a movie! I even kissed her as the evening ended.

 

But, she did tell me she hasn't dated anyone before. She has only gone out on a few dates here and there that never led to second dates. This is fine with me, but totally explains why I have had to take the lead so much. Again, due to her schedule, we can only see each other this next Sunday. I hate that I cannot see her sooner, but maybe having this time between dates can be a good thing? It's just hard, since we live MAYBE 15 minutes away from each other.

 

But, I really do like her and we have a great time together.

 

How should I approach the once per week thing? I don't want to mess up a good thing. Maybe this is ok and we just need to go with it for a bit? It would nice to see her at least one weeknight and a Friday or Saturday date.

 

And I think the kiss I gave her was her first ever. It was kind of awkward and obvious that she didn't know what she was doing. However, she was open to it, and I think we can practice and get better.

 

Any advice?