New Here. Relationship up in the air? She's gone on a trip. I'm heartbroken.

[madchops82]

Hi everybody,

 

I think I've been lurking on this site for a good bit when things get tough. Desperately seeking advice, as my mental state has been a far cry from what it used to be. I'll try to be as short as possible, but probably won't be the shortest, so bear with me...perhaps it's a good story.

 

A bit more than two years ago, my ex fiance (who was an alcoholic) broke up. Lots of ups and downs. Loved her very much, and we both suffered in our own separate ways. I tried to make it work, and help, but it didn't come to fruition. I was and am better off because of it. In the middle of our relationship my younger brother passed away from cancer. She was there for me, at first, but then regressed into the drinking and set me into a 4-5 month state of panic.

 

Fast forward 7-8 months after we broke up. (May 2015) ... I started going to Montreal because of the music scene, dating, food, and culture. I play most types of percussion, and it's been my passion for years. Online sales for a semi-real job (I work my own hours). Montreal is 1 1/2 hours from where I'm at in upstate NY (where there's little to nothing).

 

From the week after my ex and I broke up (july 2014), to October 2015, I dated more women than I had in my whole life....in one year!!!

 

Late October 2015. I met someone I really liked, was pursuing my passion, and she fell for me. A wonderful, kind, generous, caring, strong, and passionate woman with a great hobby...climbing.

 

It was nice to meet someone who wasn't an addict and had a hobby, though my walls were up, as I'd been through alot of heartbreak in my past, and Montreal was new, full of creative growth, and opportunity to have fun with my passion.

 

During the period of ten months, she subtly pushed for more. Asked what we were doing? And exclaimed I wasn't spending enough time with her family or friends. It was basically a casual relationship with two people who really cared and wanted to spend time with each other.

 

I'd see her 1-2 times a week, and I don't think that was enough for her. Much of the time, I was practicing, or spending time with friends, playing/practicing.

 

In the back of my head, I could see myself getting old with her, but didn't know how much stress I was putting upon us by not taking things to the next level.

 

BTW, I'm 34, she's 33, though we're both youthful in our years.

 

So, around 9 months in, she exclaims she's going to quit her job in childcare, as she's not happy with it, and going on a trip for three months to climb and adventure. She also said 'our relationship may not be enough to hold onto while I'm gone.'

 

I didn't think much of it, as it hadn't sunk in yet, and thought maybe I could move on, as I dated alot before I met her, yet didn't realize that in stopping this dating for her, that she was the one I wanted. I was oblivious to my own notions of loving, as I had expended so much emotion with my ex and the death of my younger brother. I needed fun, I needed happy, and forgot how fun and happy it was to be with her. We had no problems when dating, had great chemistry, and she said I was the best lover she'd had. .... I didn't think it would end. I though it would be slow love.

 

Though I failed to realize, at 33 and 34, there's no slow love. Such a fool I was.

 

At the 10 month mark, she bought the plane ticket, and the next day went to New Hampshire for a night. I spent that day crying, wrote a letter to her or myself entitled 'you idiot, you're letting her go'

 

She came back the next day, and I poured my heart to her. I told her I was sorry for all the things I didn't do, I loved her very much, and asked if there's anything I or we could do.

 

The best she could tell me was 'I'd like to continue where we left off/see you when I get back, but I'm not sure what's going to happen.'

 

I offered to go, meet her halfway, drive her home, anything...

 

We spent the last week together, and it was so nice. The last day, I was in shock because I knew she was leaving.

 

The first week or so she was gone was ok. We were Facetiming, and saying things we hadn't said before. Like getting to know her on a different level.

 

The next couple weeks were very hard. She met a guy who had an RV, and was traveling with him. I wasn't very jealous, but it was hard as she didn't have service once she crossed the US border, and the extent of our conversations were when she was at coffee shops.

 

Panic mode set in. It was terrible. Cortisone and Adrenaline 20 hours a day. No breaks. I think it caused some major trauma. I tried my best to keep it together when we spoke.

 

After three weeks of that, I had to leave Montreal. I'm still paying for an apartment there, so it really stinks. I came back home to stay with my mother, and there's nothing here. I've sunk into a pretty bad depression, and have alot of regret.

 

2-3 weeks ago, we were talking, and I was reading books on trauma, trying to figure out what I was going through. We were facetiming at night, and she could sense something was different within me, because I'd been staying back home for over a week, wondering why, as Montreal had become my creative haven. I loved it.

 

So, after sensing my sadness, bargaining, trying to see if I could meet her, and drive back, and her not knowing, my anxiety, and telling her I missed her so much (probably too much), she told me she wanted a break. I believe a break from chatting.

 

I'm not sure exactly what this means, but I'm going through the hardest time in my adult life, at such a crucial time. I'm afraid to take anti depressants, and I want to be happy, but I'm so empty. Living with regret is the hardest thing in the world, and I don't know what to do. I wish I could cry more, but there's so much grief. This little lady was perfect for me, and I want to show her the love she deserves. Our dynamic was very good, and I'm afraid I've messed it up with my sadness, as she knew me to be so happy. I do believe in second chances, but I've never had one in love.

 

Her tone has changed a bit, as she's on a journey, and my change 'brings her back' , and she has to experience her journey. I've considered moving out of Montreal, and that's just shattering. The whole thing has been. I miss her more than I've missed anyone, and if I could've done things differently, I would've.

 

I'm not sure how to approach the situation, and would do anything to feel happy again, and even more to have her back in my arms.

 

She gets back Dec. 20th, and I feel my heart is broken....I really don't want it to break twice, as I'm already crushed. We're not speaking now, though she sent me a text today, asking how my gig was on Monday (in Montreal).

 

I had to travel there with my father, because it's too hard for me to go alone.

 

I'm a mess, and experiencing the worst depression and regret of my entire life. I don't want her to know this, and I know I have to get better, if I will be able to love her fully. I've never missed someone so much, and it feels like it's over, but I truly don't know. .... I feel crippled, as my passion is lost, work is hard to even start, there's nobody to play with around here, the thought of being in Montreal makes me anxious, weather is getting cold...

 

Is it the end? The beginning? Am I overreacting? I just don't know...

 

Any help appreciated, and thanks in advanced.

Edited October 27, 2016 by madchops82

[ExpatInItaly]

I think what has happened with your relationship is an unfortunate side-effect of deeper problems with depression and anxiety.

 

Have you ever had any counselling to address these issues? The loss of your brother is an awful tragedy and it sounds as though this has affected you quite significantly (understandably so)

 

I would strongly suggest seeing a counselor, even if just to get some perspective and coping tools from a neutral third party. Even if you are afraid of taking an antidepressant, you clearly need some strategies to manage your emotions and sort out your life. Unless and until you do that, I don't think this feeling of sadness you're experiencing is going to relent, thereby making any relationship very difficult. If you're not happy within yourself, it's very challenging to be happy with someone else too.

[BluesPower]

ExpatInItaly is right about counseling, without a doubt. You have been through some hard stuff.

 

Sorry to say this, but she is gone, and you just kind of have to get over it.

 

She has another guy that she is traveling and sleeping with. It may or may not be serious, but is really does not matter.

 

Maybe you went too slow, and maybe not. You guys are in your 30's, that is so young. She is out exploring life, do you really blame her? Were/are you ready to get married to her?

 

You guys are not in the same place in a lot of ways. In some ways you are. She is out doing what she want to do to live her life. Maybe she would have stayed with you if you had been more serious with the relationship, but then again, maybe not. There is really no way to tell.

 

You were, and still should be, playing music and having fun with that, making a few bucks. This is what you should be now. And just as an aside, if you want to hit the road with whatever act that you hookup with, do it now. Because when you really find the right person and settle down, being on the road is basically a no go. You can still play around town and have fun, but extensive traveling is out at that point in life.

 

So, you are going to hurt a lot with the loss, that is just life. You need to get back on the horse and live your life, play music, and move on.

 

And, since you are young, I will give you this. Never, never try to "Beg" a woman back. It make you look like nothing but a weak man. All woman hate that. It really turns them off.

 

You have to get real help with the depression and anxiety, at your age, you really should have already dealt with it. And getting on a combo of anti-depressants and/or mood stabilizers can really help. It is something that you have to deal with and live with and you need to be proactive about it.

 

In the long run, you need to maybe go NC with her so you can start to get over her. It will help you heal. But don't retreat back home, get out and live your life.

 

Good luck to you...

[madchops82]

She texted me last night, and said she'd like to date when she got back. I don't think she slept with the guy she was traveling with in the RV. It's a little glimpse of hope, though I'm still not sure what the future holds. I've been in Montreal for two years, and health insurance in the states is hard to get. I don't have much money, and I'm unsure about how to see a doc and maybe get prescribed to pills. I'm not a fan of becoming dependent on something:/

[BluesPower]

You have to be kidding about her not sleeping with the guy. Do you actually believe that? PLEEESE...

 

Next, get a better job. Or 2 jobs. You are 30 years old, no wonder she is not that in to you. Come on man!

 

Do you play kit, more opportunities playing kit and perc that just percussion? Can you work in Canada?

 

If you don't get some kind of help with the Depression and the Anxiety, it will cause you problems. You have to take hold of this stuff and get yourself together.

 

And don't worry about dependency, if you had to take them for the rest of your life, which you may not, it is better than living with this type of condition without the proper medication. It is a disease that has to be treated or it will ruin your life.

 

Think about what I am saying, please.

[doyathinkso]

I don't think she slept with the guy she was traveling with in the RV. :/

 

 

Don't be so sure of that.

 

Maybe he was a jerk.

 

Maybe his f*rts stink.

 

Whatever. Meet up with her, but don't go believing in unicorns. Be rational.

 

You'll see soon enough.

[madchops82]

You have to be kidding about her not sleeping with the guy. Do you actually believe that? PLEEESE...

 

Next, get a better job. Or 2 jobs. You are 30 years old, no wonder she is not that in to you. Come on man!

 

Do you play kit, more opportunities playing kit and perc that just percussion? Can you work in Canada?

 

If you don't get some kind of help with the Depression and the Anxiety, it will cause you problems. You have to take hold of this stuff and get yourself together.

 

And don't worry about dependency, if you had to take them for the rest of your life, which you may not, it is better than living with this type of condition without the proper medication. It is a disease that has to be treated or it will ruin your life.

 

Think about what I am saying, please.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, the guy was in his late 40s, and has three kids. She's on a journey, and said 'I'm not out to sleep with people' ... I can tell you, that doesn't make me feel much better. Wouldn't you think that salvation lies within? I've been through breakups before, and always got through them w/out meds. Though I always smoked a bit of weed. Although I haven't in over a month, so perhaps that's contributing to my anxiety and depression. I really don't know. And no, legally, I'm not able to work in Canada.

[BluesPower]

Look man, I don't want to be rude, maybe she did not sleep with anyone, maybe. I is just hard to think that a 30 YO attractive women in this day and age would not hook up with someone on a long trip. It is possible, but highly unlikely. And how do you know that the guy has 3 kids? Did you see them? Do you know them. What you know is nothing. It is just highly unlikely that she has not gotten a little strange on her trip.

 

Next, is you are having trouble with A&D, you need to be diagnosed by a good doctor, and get on some meds.

 

Salvation for this type of stuff does not come from within. If you had cancer would you say that?

 

Ok, so dude, you are 30 something if you cannot make a living playing percussion and hopefully drums you need to get a real job of some kind that makes you an actual living. Don't be a man child playing bongos one night a week. If you are going to be a musician, be for real.

 

I was a serious touring musician for several years. Nothing huge, just some larger scale regional acts. Before I went on the road at about 20 ish, I practiced and played in clubs from the age of 15. I taught lessons, worked sound, just anything to make a living. It was a$$ busting work, but I loved it.

 

I tell you that to tell you this, get job or get serious about playing.

 

Does any of this make sense?

[madchops82]

Look man, I don't want to be rude, maybe she did not sleep with anyone, maybe. I is just hard to think that a 30 YO attractive women in this day and age would not hook up with someone on a long trip. It is possible, but highly unlikely. And how do you know that the guy has 3 kids? Did you see them? Do you know them. What you know is nothing. It is just highly unlikely that she has not gotten a little strange on her trip.

 

Next, is you are having trouble with A&D, you need to be diagnosed by a good doctor, and get on some meds.

 

Salvation for this type of stuff does not come from within. If you had cancer would you say that?

 

Ok, so dude, you are 30 something if you cannot make a living playing percussion and hopefully drums you need to get a real job of some kind that makes you an actual living. Don't be a man child playing bongos one night a week. If you are going to be a musician, be for real.

 

I was a serious touring musician for several years. Nothing huge, just some larger scale regional acts. Before I went on the road at about 20 ish, I practiced and played in clubs from the age of 15. I taught lessons, worked sound, just anything to make a living. It was a$$ busting work, but I loved it.

 

I tell you that to tell you this, get job or get serious about playing.

 

Does any of this make sense?

 

Ya man, it makes alot of sense. Yes, I play drumset too. Most all styles sans metal. Coming home has not been easy, and I'm trying to figure out my health insurance. Medicaid hasn't been easy. .. I have a very large collection of vintage drums, cymbals, and antiques. I'm trying to slowly sell it off to make a living. The weather has turned to **** around here, and I'm kind of going stir crazy. Trying to read about my affliction, and get a bit better. It's not easy in this situation.

 

Well, that's what she said about him. The guy doesn't matter, and if she has casual sex on her trip, I told her not to tell me.

 

Anyways, this is me on drumset. I'm in the wrong town. It's hard to get anyone who is interested in lessons, and there's really no touring acts from this town. I have 3 degrees, and really wondering what's next.

 

[Jersey born raised]

What degrees?

 

You told her what you felt, what you needed and she stayed on the road. She is ghosting you hoping you go away. Listen to blues player, rebuild your life on your own. If she does contact you reply in simple sentences.

 

The other guy, did you read what you wrote about him? 40 years olds, 3 kids and on the road pursing a hobby. What is wrong with that picture?

 

Build your own life.

[madchops82]

What degrees?

 

You told her what you felt, what you needed and she stayed on the road. She is ghosting you hoping you go away. Listen to blues player, rebuild your life on your own. If she does contact you reply in simple sentences.

 

The other guy, did you read what you wrote about him? 40 years olds, 3 kids and on the road pursing a hobby. What is wrong with that picture?

 

Build your own life.

 

 

 

Why do you say she's ghosting me?

 

 

She texted a few days ago, and mentioned she'd like to date when she came back.

[keiji]

I'm reading lots of assumptions here, but all we know is she said they may start again when she's back, but she's not a psychic. She knew how she'd like things to be when she's back, but it's quite a long trip, so her feelings might change. The fact that she's traveling with a guy doesn't mean she's gonna sleep with him as some seem to take for granted. I know many people who don't hook up for months on end because they're enjoying other areas of life, and there are many, particularly when you're far from home.

 

The only thing you can do, imo, is wait and see. It will probably feel painfully long and slow until late December, but I see no alternatives here.

 

P.S: are you sure you want to keep that YouTube link? Someone might spot you and tell her. Excellent drumming, btw. You probably know that Ayler title, "Music Is the Healing Force of the Universe". Cling to your passion and days will surely feel shorter.

[madchops82]

I'm reading lots of assumptions here, but all we know is she said they may start again when she's back, but she's not a psychic. She knew how she'd like things to be when she's back, but it's quite a long trip, so her feelings might change. The fact that she's traveling with a guy doesn't mean she's gonna sleep with him as some seem to take for granted. I know many people who don't hook up for months on end because they're enjoying other areas of life, and there are many, particularly when you're far from home.

 

The only thing you can do, imo, is wait and see. It will probably feel painfully long and slow until late December, but I see no alternatives here.

 

P.S: are you sure you want to keep that YouTube link? Someone might spot you and tell her. Excellent drumming, btw. You probably know that Ayler title, "Music Is the Healing Force of the Universe". Cling to your passion and days will surely feel shorter.

 

Can a moderator delete my link please?

 

Thanks very much for the objective advice. That's as close to the truth as I've gotten.