NC experience

[lovebug_5858]

It's day 0. This was our second time dating all in all we've been together for about a year and half, we lived together. Things were going a little downhill, it's my last semester of nursing school and he himself has 7 classes. With interning working and being at school I seem to have neglected him and he was upset the other night and said that even when we're spending time together "im not really there" and I got upset because I felt like he wasn't understanding that I have so much on my plate.

 

When I'm not at work, school, or the hospital I'm with him and I felt like he wasn't understanding that. We never really got past that argument we kinda just went to bed after arguing we told eachother we loved eachother and I promised him I would make time for us. About 3 days later I still noticed he was being distant he wasn't exactly sleeping near me although we had been intimate in that time. Anyways about two nights ago I texted him that I felt like things weren't the same and I've been trying to give it time but I don't know. I thought we were secure enough in our relationship that I could text that and he would know it didn't mean that I wanted things to end. Sadly he said that was the final straw for him and that he can no longer give me the power to hurt him.

 

I've tried talking to him, promising him that I'm here and I'm always willing and ready to give him whatever he needs but he says that if I knew the way he felt we wouldn't even be having a conversation. I cried and asked him if this is what he really wanted after showing up and he had everything of mine by the door, he said he wasn't sure if that's what he wanted but knew that he couldn't give me 100% anymore and he wouldn't settle for giving me 50%. I sat in my car and cried I happened to turn around and he was checking his phone so I said goodbye and left.

 

I feel terrible. I miss him. He and I both agree this is something that can be resolved, we've never had any major issues but small issues do become large ones because we butt heads and despite everything I've said he said about fixing everything he says that he can no longer accept feeling like this. So I must respect his decision and move forward I guess. Tomorrow will be day 1 of no contact. Wish my luck guys. It's killing me right now

[Chief1970]

Don't chase after him. He'll be calling after one week.

[lovebug_5858]

I'm not going to lie I do want that but I also feel terrible about wanting that, knowing he can do away with me so easily.

[Chief1970]

I'm not going to lie I do want that but I also feel terrible about wanting that, knowing he can do away with me so easily.

 

He'll call just go NC til then.

[lovebug_5858]

Okay I will and I'll update along the way

[lovebug_5858]

I don't even want to get out of bed right now and deal with everything that's in my car. I didn't go to class today and I don't even know how to feel. A part of me still doesn't believe it's real and a part of me doesn't feel anything. I don't even know if it has really hit me yet.

[lovebug_5858]

Nope it definitely hit me. The fact that everything from my phone charger is packed into my belongings it shows me that he does not want to see me at all anymore.... I'm still at a lost for words how he can be doing this over something that could be relatively insignificant. I don't know what it is. I texted his mom this morning thanking her for all the advice she's given me and to wish her a happy birthday and she said to stay positive and focused and that sometimes things are just unexplainable...

[Kelley]

You don't always get the closure or the answers you need to move on fully. Even if you asked him directly he wouldn't tell you the truth, just a version he thinks you would like to hear. I know it's hell, I'm almost 4 weeks NC now, the first few weeks were so difficult (understatement). It's like everything is crying out just to contact him, but he is not the guy you love anymore, he has moved on. You have to think about yourself, put one foot in front of the other each day. The NC will get easier and it will give you the ability to see all the faults not just all the good times. Keep your routine as hard as it is, it will help. Take it one day at a time. Take care.

[marky00]

It's day 0. This was our second time dating all in all we've been together for about a year and half, we lived together. Things were going a little downhill, it's my last semester of nursing school and he himself has 7 classes. With interning working and being at school I seem to have neglected him and he was upset the other night and said that even when we're spending time together "im not really there" and I got upset because I felt like he wasn't understanding that I have so much on my plate.

 

When I'm not at work, school, or the hospital I'm with him and I felt like he wasn't understanding that.

 

This scenario is a very common story for dumpees on LS.

 

 

He has fallen out of love and pretty much used gas lighting tactics to create an argument so he could end it.

 

 

The comment in bold I can relate to and it is a big clue. My Ex bailed when I was getting stressed out caring for my old dog. I could hardly even go to work, it was that bad.

 

 

what it comes down to for you, me and other LS dumpees is that the dumper DID NOT CARE ENOUGH and pretty much lost attraction for you as you had a lot on your plate. It totally sucks but it comes with the territory. Something to learn from it maybe is that regardless of what crap is going on, the relationship needs to come first, if not, then you need to bear the consequences. Having said that, someone who packs up and leaves because they lost attraction because they saw you being stressed out is probably not worth having around anyway.

 

 

So in essence, take the lesson but don't be too hard on yourself because you calculated in your mind that he felt the same way about you but clearly his love was less. Had you known his love was less, you would have either bailed yourself of you would have thrown 100 percent at the relationship but he didn't care to communicate how he felt and you are not a mind reader.

 

 

Take care.

Edited October 27, 2016 by marky00

[lovebug_5858]

I'm going to try my best to. I know I have to do my best to stay positive and focus, on my career, on school, on everything. I quit my job a few days ago partly because I wanted to start preparing for my state exam and partly to be able to spend more time with him. I just don't even know where to go from here. I'm more than likely going to go back to get a gym membership and we'll see where it goes from there. I still really want him to call. I really want him to realize he's making a huge mistake. I really want him to be here. I miss him terribly

 

But I will stay NC. Last time I chased him for a month or so and it did nothing but hurt me further. I'm going to do all I can to push one foot in front of the other and remain calm

[lovebug_5858]

This scenario is a very common story for dumpees on LS.

 

 

He has fallen out of love and pretty much used gas lighting tactics to create an argument so he could end it.

 

 

The comment in bold I can relate to and it is a big clue. My Ex bailed when I was getting stressed out caring for my old dog. I could hardly even go to work, it was that bad.

 

 

what it comes down to for you, me and other LS dumpees is that the dumper DID NOT CARE ENOUGH and pretty much lost attraction for you as you had a lot on your plate. It totally sucks but it comes with the territory. Something to learn from it maybe is that regardless of what crap is going on, the relationship needs to come first, if not, then you need to bear the consequences. Having said that, someone who packs up and leaves because they lost attraction because they saw you being stressed out is probably not worth having around anyway.

 

 

So in essence, take the lesson but don't be too hard on yourself because you calculated in your mind that he felt the same way about you but clearly his love was less. Had you known his love was less, you would have either bailed yourself of you would have thrown 100 percent at the relationship but he didn't care to communicate how he felt and you are not a mind reader.

 

 

Take care.

 

I agree and at some points I have really been killing myself over it because I clearly said to him that if he can't understand I clearly have no more time to give him then he should figure things out for himself. I was just frustrated and that was awful of me to say but all in all its the truth and it's what he did. I'm not a mind reader and I could go back in my text messages from 10 days prior when I was in the bath and we were texting about getting married so it's hard for me to believe he had been feeling this way for weeks. I brought this up to him and he says it was a compilation of feelings and arguments that have happened that have made him feel this way.

I want to talk to him and ensure that I've understood my faults and the things I may have said and done but I did that last time and it didn't help. I know that he has to change the way he looks at it himself in order for things to move forward and it kills me to say that he's chosen to leave instead of finding a solution with me.

[Chief1970]

Do not contact him. He will think you are crazy if you blow his phone up. I recommend going home for the weekend to study, spend time with family, etc..

Stay busy. Go to the gym or library to study.

[marky00]

I agree and at some points I have really been killing myself over it because I clearly said to him that if he can't understand I clearly have no more time to give him then he should figure things out for himself. I was just frustrated and that was awful of me to say but all in all its the truth and it's what he did. I'm not a mind reader and I could go back in my text messages from 10 days prior when I was in the bath and we were texting about getting married so it's hard for me to believe he had been feeling this way for weeks. I brought this up to him and he says it was a compilation of feelings and arguments that have happened that have made him feel this way.

I want to talk to him and ensure that I've understood my faults and the things I may have said and done but I did that last time and it didn't help. I know that he has to change the way he looks at it himself in order for things to move forward and it kills me to say that he's chosen to leave instead of finding a solution with me.

 

 

Another very common thing on LS. Many dumpees report that their dumper just weeks before breakup spoke of marriage etc. 1 month b4 my breakup, my Ex was talking about having kids. This behaviour is indeed confusing but I have a theory about why this happens. As they are checking out of the relationship (but not totally checked out), they probably start to feel uncomfortable about the inequality of feelings and out of guilt, they over-compensate with these over-the-top comments such as marriage. It could also be that they want to show they did care so that when they pull the plug, they look better.

 

 

It always seems sudden. In my case, 4 weeks prior to BU, we had made holiday plans. But, in reality, the wheels were in motion long ago, months sometimes even years b4 a breakup. It's not until the water spills out of the full glass does the BU occur.

 

 

But yes, its them not understanding us that is major issue here. It's a compatibility issue.

[lovebug_5858]

He said while we were talking last that he agrees that this isn't something to throw everything away over but that he cannot keep feeling this way, wanting and crying is completely unnecessary and that we lack the compatibility to resolve arguments. That came to mind when you said the compatibility issue.

 

I still want him :/ and I still miss him. Although I would love to have the strength to not do this over again. It's clear he cannot control his feelings when it comes to this. He can't feel a certain way about me whether it be angry or resentful and still want to be with me. For some reason he resorts to breaking up and being away from me. I suppose that makes sense in a lot of ways but you can't possibly keep doing that in realtionships or marriages... I just have no idea.

[lovebug_5858]

Haven't heard from him whatsoever and he's always told me that silence is a terrible thing with him. I'm shocked and deeply saddened about all of this I didn't do anything yesterday but cry and bring my belongings in from my car to my parents house. Last night wasn't too bad I tried looking at the positives like more time to study and also that he has some issues he might need to work on by himself but I'm still extremely sad :/ it's hard for me to get out of bed

[Chief1970]

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're way too young to feel that way. You need to live life. You're a great catch...You are on your way to a career nursing job. Be proud. His loss. A lot of times, we're sad because we are scared to start over. We feel that we have to have the career job, be married, have kids, by the time we hit 30. Screw that thought and enjoy life. Go do something, go to the library to study, go to see a movie. Do you think your ex is crying? Show him you're independent and move on. You're single now. If you get asked out, I highly recommend going. It doesn't have to lead to anything but you simply need to be around someone new and you'll forget about your ex. Trust me, I'm atleast 10 years older then you. In a few years, you'll look back and wonder why you were hung up on this guy.

[lovebug_5858]

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're way too young to feel that way. You need to live life. You're a great catch...You are on your way to a career nursing job. Be proud. His loss. A lot of times, we're sad because we are scared to start over. We feel that we have to have the career job, be married, have kids, by the time we hit 30. Screw that thought and enjoy life. Go do something, go to the library to study, go to see a movie. Do you think your ex is crying? Show him you're independent and move on. You're single now. If you get asked out, I highly recommend going. It doesn't have to lead to anything but you simply need to be around someone new and you'll forget about your ex. Trust me, I'm atleast 10 years older then you. In a few years, you'll look back and wonder why you were hung up on this guy.

 

I know I know and those are all the logical thoughts that I've been having believe me and this time around I don't feel like the break up is as hard. But I can't help rethinking everything that's happened lately. I know I shouldn't but I still feel at fault and I find some truths in the things he's said to me and it kills me that I still feel like I ruined something great. He treated me amazingly. He just can't seem to move on from feelings that I move on from all the time. I don't believe that one should be stuck on negative feelings toward your significant other if there are so many more positive things but of course I know he doesn't feel that way. I don't know how he's feeling but yes, I'm sure he's not crying over me.

[Chief1970]

Answer this honestly, why or what is it about this guy that you can't move on from?

[lovebug_5858]

Answer this honestly, why or what is it about this guy that you can't move on from?

 

So many things, we connect so easily, even when we were just friends and thats what attracted me to him. He also aspires to be in the medical field so we can talk about the same things and we understand eachother. We also both have the same sense of humor. We can laugh about everything. We sing songs together in the car, we study together, when he looks at me my heart lights up, he's amazing with my family and his family loves me as well.We were both weird together, in a good way, like we could be ourselves 100% Nothing made me happier than waking up to someone who supported my decisions and I felt wanted nothing but the best for me. He goes to med school in a year and a half and we both talked about it and we both looked at places together. He would be in Maryland and not here in Florida where both of our families are but I agreed to go and leave everything behind because I really felt that what we had meant the same to the both of us.

 

Its hard to let go of that in two days based on a week of things going downhill. Ive shown him nothing but me wanting to fix it and be with him and work on it all. Ive told him couples go through things but its no reason to end everything. He responded by saying he knows but he cant go on feeling like I will never listen to what he's saying or what he needs, I told him Im right here and I'm listening but he resisted still. I left breaking down in my car telling him I honestly couldn't leave knowing its over and I was crying was when he checked his phone... I said Goodbye and I left.

 

Yesterday I sent him a text it read exactly " Good afternoon, I apologize for behaving the way I did yesterday and making it harder for us both. I had thought about the possibility of us breaking up the day prior but I guess when push came to shove I just kinda lost it. I have put deep thought into what you've opened up and shared with me and I agree breaking up is best for us both right now. I will always wish you all the best."

 

And he never replied. My text was as honest as I could get. Although its killing me that its over I know that I can't be with someone who will leave knowing that something can be fixed, it just takes time.

[Chief1970]

How many times did you text your ex today? You said this is day 2 of nc...WRONG. Because you admitted to texting your ex yesterday. He's winning because you are chasing him. He's got the upper hand. I'm been the dumpee I know. Delete your facebook. Block his number. Watch how fast he comes running back.

[lovebug_5858]

Okay... Day 2 NC is today then. I sent him that message two days ago. 1 day after he ended. Simply stating I agree with the break up and I wish him well. That's it. He didn't reply I didn't text him again after that. I have not texted him or reached out in any way, that text was the only thing I said after the break up and the only thing I will say. I'm not chasing him, since yesterday I've had a different outlook on it. I realize that this is almost exactly what he did last time and it's obvious he's not willing to work on our relationship, not now, not in the future so he did me a favor by excusing himself now. It would be worse if I followed him across the country to be broken up over yet another issue that could easily be resolved.

[Chief1970]

I would block his number then delete his number. Delete your facebook. Once full nc is established, he will beat your door down if he still has feelings for you.

[lovebug_5858]

I dont want to block his number though, and deleting it would be pointless I know his number. I have a Facebook to communicate with my nursing class so I'm not deleting it, he doesn't have one anyway. I don't post anything on it so it doesn't really matter I think.

Feeling a little down today but I think it's just from loneliness and routine change. I'll update later on today or tomorrow.

[lovebug_5858]

Uhmmmmmm.... I have no idea how I'm feeling. I didn't cry yesterday and I know that doesn't mean too much but I'm happy to know I'm doing much better than I was last time around when I literally cried for about a month straight. I feel void of many things, I still feel pretty sad and I've thought a lot about things not so much what led up to this but more so little memories that pop up when I'm doing something. Almost everything reminds me of him. I've been strongly thinking about blocking his number. I just feel like it's setting me back being disappointed everytime I look at my phone and there isn't anything from him. And I know I shouldn't want that but I do. It's the truth. I want to hear from him, and then again I don't because I know nothing good will come of it.

 

I can't be with him. I know myself and I know I could never believe him if he were to say he's really in this for the long run, I would be walking on eggshells, making sure I'm covering every emotional need he has. That's exhausting. I can't. I'll never be perfect enough for him to want to keep this relationship. I'm so torn. I need to block him. Then again it's only been 4 days. I never heard back from him after leaving his house with tears in my eyes so why am I even worried now? I feel frustrated. How is this even happenening. Again.

[lovebug_5858]

Feelings are so up and down. Going to try to keep myself occupied and just let it all go.