Will he choose me?

[chooselife]

I have got myself into a really rubbish situation! 4 months ago my ex broke up with me, as he needed some space. We were in a really bad place, as I found out he was having an emotional affair. We had been together for 4 years. He drove me crazy with anxiety and just insisted she was a friend when she clearly wasn't. I was jealous, causing arguments, we stopped talking etc. So we have been in touch over the past two months, no mention of him seeing his 'friend' or anyone else. I have since found out he is in a relationship with his 'friend' they have slept together too.

 

We had a long talk yesterday and he said that he still loves me and he misses his best friend. He hasn't got the closeness or the connection we had. He just doesn't know what to do as this woman is apparently a really good woman and will do anything for him, but she doesn't compare to me. He said that he is scared if we get back together it won't work and he will lose his 'good woman'. So he is trying to sort his head out. I love this man I can't help it, I have never connected with someone like him. He has given me hope that I stand a chance, but yet I feel sick to my stomach that he even has to choose. Please talk some sense into me

[stillafool]

He is blowing smoke. If he really wanted to get back together he would do it. He has only been with her like 3 months and was with you for 4 years. Of course you would be upset and cranky because he was having an emotional affair. Your instincts were right because now they are together. Don't sit around waiting for him to leave her because he probably won't. What he will do is accept sex from you on the side. If you give it to him that will be your worse mistake. You cannot sex him back into your life. He has to come to you willingly and beg you back because he was cheating on you with this woman. They probably were having more than just an emotional affair.

[Kelley]

I think the question you should be asking is not will he choose me, but stating I choose me! You need to find the strength to take yourself completely out of the equation. It's a case of the grass in not greener on the other side and is coming back to you (or just really messing with your emotions). He made his choice you need to let him deal with the consequences. You love him, I get that. If he loved you he wouldn't be treating you this way. Tell him %^^ off it will really make you feel better, and you leave this ****ty situation with some respect!

[Toodaloo]

Oh CL... your ex is one of "those". They try to soften the blow and think they are doing you a favour.

 

You need to learn how to tell him the four f's

 

F*** her

F*** you

F*** that and finally

F*** off.

 

Thing is you think your life depends on his choice. It doesn't Your life depends on Your choice.

 

You do not have to choose a man that cheated on you lied about it then used you as a back up plan in case she dumps his sorry behind...

 

You can choose life. Which means cutting all contact with him, healing your heart and moving on to a better life.

 

He words are utter balls. His actions tell the full story... And quite frankly they are the actions of a gutless wonder who is only interested in having an available hole to poke his penis into. Choose better than that.

[sooshi]

Choose yourself.

 

Choose yourself like your life depends on it.

 

Because it does.

 

Block him everywhere, don't contact him again, and work on choosing you.

[noski]

Hi ,

 

I agree with other posters.Root for you ;I really do not think that you should sit and wait for him to make a choice.It's hard I know but stay strong ,keep your dignity and resist .

Do what's best for you .Take some time to think about it .

He left you and you need to set boundaries because If there are no consequences ,he's gonna do it again ,doormat style.

I believe in forgiveness quotes and seeing the best in people but at the same tie this applies here "When people show you who they are ,believe them the first time ".

For now ,maybe you need to let it go for a while and If by chance he comes back,realize his mistakes ,then it will be up to you to choose but for now like I said root for you.

[l8estnews]

Man, the things people put up with? Pick up some sense of dignity and respect for yourself and LEARN to walk away from this garbage of a guy.

[chooselife]

I spoke to him last night and he was saying that he needed to be in a better frame of mind, to make a decision. He is confused! He is basically saying that he wants her and me to be the back up plan, I know. I'm devastated but yet I still want to hang on just in case, it's crazy!

[Kelley]

I'm sorry, you want to hold on because it's painful, and you don't want to go through it. You have to go through it to heal. Be strong, feel it and get through, there are no shortcuts. Go NC and look after you.

[l8estnews]

I spoke to him last night and he was saying that he needed to be in a better frame of mind, to make a decision. He is confused! He is basically saying that he wants her and me to be the back up plan, I know. I'm devastated but yet I still want to hang on just in case, it's crazy!

 

Well, there you go! You're okay to be the back-up plan so there's no way we can help you with that.

 

What advise do you want from us?

[Buddhist]

He's already left you once and cheated on you and he's scared he'll lose his 'good woman'? Are you serious? He's not scared of losing you, only of losing the opportunity to be with someone else. What he's missing right now is the mature relationship he had with you, that level of intimacy can only come with time. Are you prepared to take back the guy who cheated on you though? Or do you want something better for yourself. He didn't 'need space' he wanted to date someone else and hasn't even been honest with you that she is now his girlfriend. You had to find that out on your own. And now he has the cheek to chat to you about his relationship with her? Oh hell no. He's treating you as if you have no feelings worth worrying about.

 

Bottom line - who the hell cares who he chooses? He's an inconstant idiot, not a prize worth having. You should be worrying less about his choices and more about your own. Don't choose him, choose someone better for yourself.

 

He messed his relationship with you up with his cheating, that's a consequence he should just bear. Not ring you up 5 months later and telling you he's still deciding. Crazy sense of entitlement.

[keiji]

It's obvious that he has low self-esteem and no empathy whatsoever. I think he needs to be with someone, just anyone, so he's basically trying to have as many options as possible. You're plan B, and so is her "good woman". Plan A are him and his selfishness.

 

Why you put up with it I don't know, but you deserve much more than such a cretin.

[stillafool]

I spoke to him last night and he was saying that he needed to be in a better frame of mind, to make a decision. He is confused! He is basically saying that he wants her and me to be the back up plan, I know. I'm devastated but yet I still want to hang on just in case, it's crazy!

 

Why is your self esteem so low? This man has basically told you that she is better than you and when and if he gets around to it he will see you. OMG and you still want him? Is it that important to have a man? I bet you were the one who had to call him to get this update.

Edited October 26, 2016 by stillafool

[chooselife]

You are right I called him, and he told me. I just love him so much and the pain is unbearable that's why I'm holding on. Regardless it's like I just have to have him back ....

 

Why is your self esteem so low? This man has basically told you that she is better than you and when and if he gets around to it he will see you. OMG and you still want him? Is it that important to have a man? I bet you were the one who had to call him to get this update.

[Kelley]

it's early days, your heart will be screaming out for him, all the chemicals in your brain are out of whack. Remember all your actions are currently coming from a place of weakness. The strong you would tell him to **** off. You need to go through the pain to move on, we all have to do that.

[Toodaloo]

You are right I called him, and he told me. I just love him so much and the pain is unbearable that's why I'm holding on. Regardless it's like I just have to have him back ....

 

Oh my days no!

 

This is so unattractive! What you should be doing is telling him to jog on!

 

Allowing him to treat you this way says he doesn't have to respect you, he can just walk all over you and that you are a doormat! None of those things are attractive to men!

 

I know it hurts right now but lets face some cold hard facts here!

 

1. You hardly know him

2. He ain't all that great

3. He isn't the person you seem to think he is

4. He farts just like any other man

5. Bad behaviour always gets worse

6. He has already been cheating by omission

7. He is spineless and weak

8. He is passing off his wrong doing and making you feel guilty about it

 

Girl the guy may be pretty but looks fade. They don't last forever. Do you really want to be with a man that cheats on you and disrespects you and is a spineless wonder for the rest of your life?

 

You are upset because your hopes and dreams have been dashed by the discovery that this guy isn't all that. You had hoped he was "the one" you had dreams of settling down with him and the picket fence and 2.4 children... He isn't that guy.

 

You future if you carry on with this "I love him and want to be with him" thing and if he carries on with you as a back up... Your future will look like this. You will be working to live, you will still be on your own. He will flit in and out of your life, having affairs behind your back and in front of your face. Depending on the level of his vindictive or selfish streak he may try to get you to sleep with other people "for him". He will probably borrow money that never gets paid back. You will hang around waiting for him. He will turn up when it is convenient to him and only when convenient to him. When you need help and support forget it because he can't be bothered. When its your birthday, Christmas, anniversary, when your pet dies. Forget him being there for you because he won't. You will be tired, miserable, worn down, you will feel worthless, dejected, rejected and lonely... Is that really what you want your future to look like?

 

Cut the crap from this guy. Quit being so "understanding" and understand this. He is a pillock. Yup that simple.

 

Cut all contact and heal. Put yourself back together and go find a guy who supports you, loves you, only you. Find a guy who respects you, doesn't want to date others. Find the guy who will be there for your birthday, who gets you flowers on your anniversary, who holds your hand when you need support and who jumps for joy when you are happy. THAT is the guy that deserves you.

 

Now start treating YOURSELF with some respect and get rid of the trash.

[Kelley]

Amen to that! I can't beat that advice, spot on - you should listen and do it!

 

 

Oh my days no!

 

This is so unattractive! What you should be doing is telling him to jog on!

 

Allowing him to treat you this way says he doesn't have to respect you, he can just walk all over you and that you are a doormat! None of those things are attractive to men!

 

I know it hurts right now but lets face some cold hard facts here!

 

1. You hardly know him

2. He ain't all that great

3. He isn't the person you seem to think he is

4. He farts just like any other man

5. Bad behaviour always gets worse

6. He has already been cheating by omission

7. He is spineless and weak

8. He is passing off his wrong doing and making you feel guilty about it

 

Girl the guy may be pretty but looks fade. They don't last forever. Do you really want to be with a man that cheats on you and disrespects you and is a spineless wonder for the rest of your life?

 

You are upset because your hopes and dreams have been dashed by the discovery that this guy isn't all that. You had hoped he was "the one" you had dreams of settling down with him and the picket fence and 2.4 children... He isn't that guy.

 

You future if you carry on with this "I love him and want to be with him" thing and if he carries on with you as a back up... Your future will look like this. You will be working to live, you will still be on your own. He will flit in and out of your life, having affairs behind your back and in front of your face. Depending on the level of his vindictive or selfish streak he may try to get you to sleep with other people "for him". He will probably borrow money that never gets paid back. You will hang around waiting for him. He will turn up when it is convenient to him and only when convenient to him. When you need help and support forget it because he can't be bothered. When its your birthday, Christmas, anniversary, when your pet dies. Forget him being there for you because he won't. You will be tired, miserable, worn down, you will feel worthless, dejected, rejected and lonely... Is that really what you want your future to look like?

 

Cut the crap from this guy. Quit being so "understanding" and understand this. He is a pillock. Yup that simple.

 

Cut all contact and heal. Put yourself back together and go find a guy who supports you, loves you, only you. Find a guy who respects you, doesn't want to date others. Find the guy who will be there for your birthday, who gets you flowers on your anniversary, who holds your hand when you need support and who jumps for joy when you are happy. THAT is the guy that deserves you.

 

Now start treating YOURSELF with some respect and get rid of the trash.

[sooshi]

You are right I called him, and he told me. I just love him so much and the pain is unbearable that's why I'm holding on. Regardless it's like I just have to have him back ....

 

You don't love him. You're dependent on him. You need his love, attention, and affection to feel good about yourself. You've attached your self-worth to to him. How you feel about yourself depends on what he thinks/does/feel in relation to you.

 

Look into co-dependency. The only reason you hold on is not because you love him, but because you don't love yourself. You feel like you need his love in order to feel like you're enough, lovable, and loved. You feel like you need his love in order to feel secure and to survive.

 

This is a toxic attachment. It's not love. It looks like you'll have to learn the hard way.

 

Pick up your self-respect and block him everywhere, and move on. Start cultivating a loving relationship with yourself so that you can stop sacrificing yourself for the affections of another.

Edited October 26, 2016 by sooshi

[chooselife]

I think you maybe right after looking it up. I loved the fact he was domineering, looked after me and loved me. I felt safe and loved, and I think having that taken away has destroyed me. I had a really bad childhood, I wasn't loved by my parents, they were too interested in destroying themselves. Maybe I'm looking for that love and care I never had? I just don't know how to get past this, it's so painful and I feel weak. I am weak

 

 

You don't love him. You're dependent on him. You need his love, attention, and affection to feel good about yourself. You've attached your self-worth to to him. How you feel about yourself depends on what he thinks/does/feel in relation to you.

 

Look into co-dependency. The only reason you hold on is not because you love him, but because you don't love yourself. You feel like you need his love in order to feel like you're enough, lovable, and loved. You feel like you need his love in order to feel secure and to survive.

 

This is a toxic attachment. It's not love. It looks like you'll have to learn the hard way.

 

Pick up your self-respect and block him everywhere, and move on. Start cultivating a loving relationship with yourself so that you can stop sacrificing yourself for the affections of another.

[Toodaloo]

I think you maybe right after looking it up. I loved the fact he was domineering, looked after me and loved me. I felt safe and loved, and I think having that taken away has destroyed me. I had a really bad childhood, I wasn't loved by my parents, they were too interested in destroying themselves. Maybe I'm looking for that love and care I never had? I just don't know how to get past this, it's so painful and I feel weak. I am weak

 

You work on learning to love yourself and respect yourself.

 

Do you want to feel strong?

 

If you do then start reading self help books, start going to various activities and sport and start learning new things. Yoga would probably do you the world of good. Read about what healthy and strong relationships look like. Read and learn how to deal with those times in life when you think you can't cope. Learn about how to deal with adversity and how to develop a strong mindset.

 

Or sit and be pathetic.

 

Your choice. Your life. You can choose how you live it. You can choose to accept how your parents were or keep using it as an excuse... Your choice.

[sooshi]

Maybe I'm looking for that love and care I never had?

Yes, I believe that. The problem is you're looking for that love and care in the wrong place.

 

It's time to look for love and care within yourself. It's there, but buried deep. I encourage you to seek therapy to help you reconnect with yourself.

 

You grew up in a household that did not model what a loving relationship looks like.

 

Read more on these forums. If you're open to it, you will learn about what healthy relationships look like, and what healthy boundaries look like.

 

Therapy is also a great way to develop and practice boundaries.

 

Keeping this man in your life will only push you further away from yourself. He does not, and will now, show you what love truly is. He knows he can control you. He knows he can do as he pleases, and that you'll submit to him.

 

Do not allow him to control you anymore.

 

Follow Toodaloo's advice. She knows what she's talking about, and she's spot on.

 

Take a look at some of Zahara's posts on here. And Redhead14's posts. I find them to be strong, empowering women.

 

Take care.

[Toodaloo]

Yes, I believe that. The problem is you're looking for that love and care in the wrong place.

 

It's time to look for love and care within yourself. It's there, but buried deep. I encourage you to seek therapy to help you reconnect with yourself.

 

 

Quoting this so you read it again.

[spiderowl]

Never wait around for someone to decide whether they want you or not. It is a losing place to be and very painful. If the guy can't decide right now who is more important to him, then make the decision for him.

[chooselife]

I appreciate your advice and I have decided that I want to be strong. I'm disrespecting myself on so many levels even being a choice! He text me last night and I replied that I'm moving on and I wish him all the best with his new girlfriend. I then blocked his number. I'm devastated that I have been treated this way but its my fault. I need to build myself up so this doesn't happen again.

[keiji]

I appreciate your advice and I have decided that I want to be strong. I'm disrespecting myself on so many levels even being a choice! He text me last night and I replied that I'm moving on and I wish him all the best with his new girlfriend. I then blocked his number. I'm devastated that I have been treated this way but its my fault. I need to build myself up so this doesn't happen again.

 

Which speaks volumes of your strength. Best decision you could make!