Phantomlady Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 I was dating this man for over a year. When we first met, he told me he had not had sex with anyone for six years and that he had been saving himself for someone special. Through out the time we dated, I found out that this was not true. He slept with a woman he met off of dating site, and he had slept with her a month before we met. He had only seen her mere hours before he was in bed with her, and then he dumped her weeks later. When I found out, he told me that he didn't want to mention it because he didn't feel it was important and felt that his white lie was justified as he didn't want it to affect his now present with me. He knew that I wouldn't have had the best opinion on him jumping into bed that quickly with someone as I am not like that nor ever have been. Though the lie did bother me greatly. Fast forward to a few days ago, I found out once again that he had slept with someone else, again months before the last one I found out about. She too was someone he barely knew and had met online, slept with her quickly and he did not continue anything with her after sleeping with her. This second lie has done me in. I am wondering now if I ever really truly knew him and how big of a player he really was/is. I don't feel he has very good morals or standards at all, and the lies are just as bad as him sleeping with strangers he met online. We have now broken up over it, though he feels that I was wrong for doing so as he said it was in his past. I can understand that to some degree, though he made himself out to be a totally different person who would never bed someone he didn't know and hadn't done anything like that in years. He also bold faced lied to me about these women nearly the entire time we dated, which was over a year. I don't understand why he lied so much. Do you feel I was right in dumping him over this? 2
stillafool Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Absolutely! He has probably had sex with more women that you don't even know about. You did the right thing to dump him. He may be lying about other things as well. 4
newheart Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 I also think you did the right thing. His sexual encounters themselves would not have necessarily been a deal breaker, it is his lying about them that is concerning. There are probably more, and I would have a very hard time trusting this person on many levels after this. 4
Author Phantomlady Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 (edited) Part of the reason I broke up with him was due to the sexual encounters. I don't want a man who sleeps around with women he barely knows and does so very quickly. Truthfully, who wants a man like that? I just don't feel I ever really knew him and him giving me the false impression on who he was, really has broken everything down. He feels I was wrong, again because it was his past. But I just can't handle that he is this type of man and that he has lied to me so much. Edited October 25, 2016 by Phantomlady 2
Satu Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 He seems to be an intentional and habitual liar. You did the right thing. Take care. 2
mikeylo Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Apart from having sex with so many women , who knows what else is he lying about now? He has the capability to lie. He basically took away your right to decide if you want to date him or not because even though past is past , one can't change it etc but it's a deal breaker for you and many others. You did the right thing. 2
Author Phantomlady Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 That's exactly what I told him, why didn't he tell me straight up what the truth was when we both asked one another about how recently we had been with someone else. He told me he had to lie in order for me to give him a chance. I still feel it was wrong.And yes, I do feel cheated. I dated him on false ideas and I don't feel like I even know him. The lying just seems to be second nature to him, which is why I can't continue. Though he did mess with my head quite a bit and made me feel as though my reasons for breaking up with him were wrong.
salparadise Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Part of the reason I broke up with him was due to the sexual encounters. I don't want a man who sleeps around with women he barely knows and does so very quickly. Truthfully, who wants a man like that? Well, that is an inherent problem isn't it –– finding a virtuous man. A man attractive enough that women want to sleep with him, yet possessing the female proclivity to eschew casual sex in order to keep one's self pure. There aren't many men who are willingly celibate. Most of the time it's lack of access. Attractive, assertive men usually encounter attractive women who will have them. Sort of a Catch 22 for a woman like yourself, isn't it? I just don't feel I ever really knew him and him giving me the false impression on who he was, really has broken everything down. He feels I was wrong, again because it was his past. But I just can't handle that he is this type of man and that he has lied to me so much. The lying would be harder to get past for most people. The guy should've just kept his mouth shut instead of creating this facade of virtue. If he hadn't lied and you found out I'd agree with him about it being in the past. But that's me. Hell, I'm a man and I don't expect a woman to have no sexual history. Sex happens, and if a person is attractive it may happen fairly often––man or woman. You realize there is no such thing as a virtuous man, right?
Author Phantomlady Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 I don't expect a virtuous man, however, there is a difference between dating someone and jumping from bed to bed. I can handle someone having a sexual past but not if it's promiscuous, there is a difference. But no need to lie about it either. If the question comes up (as it does for most when first dating) better to be fair on who you are, rather than to pretend.
stillafool Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 The main reason you can't take this guy back is he is an outright liar! This means you could never trust him. He's probably out having sex with another woman as we speak and there's no telling what else he is lying about.
salparadise Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 When my girlfriend and I started dating we shared our recent dating history. It was just assumed that we had slept with whomever we had dated for any length of time. It wasn't an issue. Neither of us probed much. It just is what it is. Of course you're entitled to feel how you feel about it, but I think you're not being realistic to think that men would feel bound by the same social constraints as women in terms of promiscuous behavior. There is some variability of course, but for the most part women are perfectly happy to find a man who is able and willing to be monogamous in the relationship. The lying is different. That's what I'd have a problem with. It's also kind of telling that he still expects a pass after having been caught trying to create a false reality. How did all of this information come to light anyway?
Toodaloo Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Oh yes you are right to dump him over this. Bloke doesn't know what the truth actually looks like! I think he has done it to "win" you but lies never win fair maiden. Oh OP - get yourself checked for STD's... 1
ilovemefirst Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Yes, you did the right thing. If he lied about this, he can lie about anything else. He clearly isnt a trustworthy person. You deserve someone better!
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