CasualDude10 Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Quick Background: I've known this girl for about two months now and we see each other at least twice a week in class and are lab partners. The first time we hung out, she initiated it. Since then, we have hung out 5-6 times mostly one on one, but once we went to a lions game and she met my close friends who she said she loved. The most we have done is kiss, and we kiss every time we see each other now. We hardly ever text and sometimes she'll snapchat me or text me something dumb (funny). As of now, besides seeing her in class, we have plans to go to a big college campus and meet up with friends Saturday for Halloween and have a good time. So everything was going amazing. Until recently, she's been acting cold/distant. My birthday is tomorrow, and after class last Wednesday she texted me saying that she wants to do something for me for my birthday (which would be tomorrow). I thought it was cool and told her I'd love to do something with her. But the next day (last Thursday) is when she started acting weird. She came over and was acting very quiet. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. Then after a while she finally started acting normal. I'm not sure why, but I feel it may have some correlation with this. I told her, Friday a bunch of my friends and I were going to drink a little at my house and go out for my birthday. I told her she can come if she wants too, but i didn't know if there was a point for it too since she's only 20 (which may have sounded like I didn't want her there, but wasn't how I meant it). She didn't seem to thrilled and said she'd text me and let me know, which she never did (unlike her). So later that evening, I snapchatted her twice, and she never responded. Which was also not like her. Then, Saturday night comes around and she texted me asking a question, I responded and asked her a question, and she never replied. Not like her again. So I saw her today in class, she said hi and asked me how my weekend was and I asked her how hers was. Then when class ended, sometimes we walk to my car and I drive her to her car just so we can talk more. She waited for me (teacher was doing attendance and she got let out early) and then I said what's up and she said she didn't know what to talk about and we went our separate ways. So four things I think could be the reason to this: 1. She's actually mad at me for the way I acted about my invitation to going out Friday and making it seem like I didn't want to be with her. 2. She may think I am talking to other girls since I didn't want her there and I was texting my mom in class and she may have thought it was another girl (seeing as I never text her really 3. She's talking to another guy and is losing interest in me. I did notice that she's been on her phone more. 4. I'm just overthinking things, maybe she is, and should stop worrying about it. I see her again Wednesday. Tomorrow's my birthday and I'm just hoping to hear from her and I want to see her of course. We are still going out this Saturday for Halloween parties. She just seems so distant out of the blue and I don't know what to do. I do not want to ask her again because I feel like that makes me look in confident since I asked her Thursday. What would you do? What do you think is going on? Thanks! 1
MsJayne Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 No, there's no other guy. I am assuming you're in the US because of the legal drinking ages you allude to. So, the big thing here may be that you've made it clear you are interested in her, but because of the drinking age in the US she is excluded from certain social gatherings you want to be part of. I will tell you this, when a woman goes silent and you ask "what's wrong?"and she replies "Nothing", you can be very sure that it's "something" and there's a whole lot wrong! That's how us women are. 'Nothing' very often means, 'You're in so much deep $hit'. I'm guessing she's hurt that you would rather spend your birthday with your buddies than with her. It's for you to decide what to do, but I would recommend bringing the whole thing up with her, (if you're really keen on her), and getting it all out in the open. Thrash it out from there, but if you want her in your life, don't throw her away for the sake of a few drinks on your birthday. You can booze yourself silly when she's one year older, it's not much to ask. Good luck. 2
Author CasualDude10 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 Thanks for your advice. Does anyone else have anything? 1
Satu Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 I don't think there's another guy. I just think she feels excluded. Take care. 1
Author CasualDude10 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 I feel as this is a little long time to back off just for feeling excluded. Not to mention she did not really say anything about it.
VeveCakes Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Disagree with above - shes not into you. Sorry man.
salparadise Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 So you accepted her invitation to do something on your birthday... then you reneged. Did she start acting distant before you told her, or was it after? I think you said it was the following day when you told her, but that doesn't really make sense. Perhaps it was something else the first day, but the ongoing reaction is about you reneging on the birthday offer. 1
Author CasualDude10 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 It was after when she started acting distant
Author CasualDude10 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 Disagree with above - shes not into you. Sorry man. Unless she actually is upset with me about what I said then this is the only thing I can think of. It's just so random and I feel as she would've told me by now. Idk
VeveCakes Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Unless she actually is upset with me about what I said then this is the only thing I can think of. It's just so random and I feel as she would've told me by now. Idk Women this age have feelings that change like the wind...anything can make them change their mind or nothing at all. If you like her ask her out...then you will know. 1
Author CasualDude10 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 Any other opinions would be greatly appreciated
Author CasualDude10 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 So you accepted her invitation to do something on your birthday... then you reneged. Did she start acting distant before you told her, or was it after? I think you said it was the following day when you told her, but that doesn't really make sense. Perhaps it was something else the first day, but the ongoing reaction is about you reneging on the birthday offer. Reneged as in declined her offer? No I said Id love to see her. She started acting distant after I told her this.
salparadise Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Reneged as in declined her offer? No I said Id love to see her. She started acting distant after I told her this. renege |riˈneɡriˈniɡ| (also renegue) verb [no object] go back on a promise, undertaking, or contract: the administration had reneged on its election promises. • another term for revoke ( sense 2). • [with object] archaic renounce or abandon (someone or something). You accepted her offer, but then you told her that you were going out drinking with your buddies. You said she could come along but since she's not of age to drink there's not much point. This is the gist of it as I understand it. I think she disappointed/upset that you made other plans after you accepted her offer... which is understandable regardless of the nature of your relationship. But if she's interested in you then this may be all the more upsetting. You get that, right? Or do you think that she should not be upset about it?
Author CasualDude10 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 So this girl that I have been seeing the last couple of months I think "friend zoned" me. And I do not know if my approach was the correct approach. She was so wishy washy when she said it. Background: Her and I have been on about 5-6 dates. And the most we have done is kissed each other. This past weekend, I was hoping to escalate it to more than kissing and more intimate, which in the end landed me getting friend zoned. Her and I went to a college campus for Halloween and I got us a hotel room. When we got back, she said she doesn't want to take it any farther right now because she has trouble trusting people and just got out of a two year relationship like 4-5months ago. She said she still wouldn't mind kissing if I wanted to and still wants to hangout with me but as friends until more trust builds. I just said "okay" and went to sleep. The next day she texted me asking about homework in a class and I answered. I then sent another text basically saying "I am not interested in being just friends, I have out other girls on the back burner for her, and I can not continue hanging out with her outside of class and if she changes her mind, depending where I am at to get a hold of me." (This is the Coach Corey Wayne Approach) She responded saying "So you don't want to hangout with me as a person?" And I said "Not unless it is something more." And the convo ended in her saying "If that's what you want." The only problem is, I see her twice a week in class and one of the days I am her lab partner. This all went down yesterday and today I saw her in class and she sat next to me like normal and was engaging conversation in me and kept trying to force convo. (Almost acting like nothing has changed but she was talking a lot more than normal) So basically, do you think I did the right thing when she said she wants to be friends? She said she still wants to hangout with me and kiss "if I (as in me) want to" so does that mean I am still friend zoned? I clearly like her, just don't know if what I did was the right thing to this situation. What do you all think? Thanks Ps: I am usually pretty good at reading a woman's attraction level. She would flirt, hit me up to do something occasionally, say like she knew she had a good feeling for a reason when she met me, etc.
IfonlyIknew Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 The poor girl! I've been in her position and I don't like it. You gave her the "all or nothing" ultimatum. By her saying you don't want to hang out with her as a person, that she is looked at just physically. She said she didn't want to rush into anything after her LTR, be gentle with her.
Author CasualDude10 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 The poor girl! I've been in her position and I don't like it. You gave her the "all or nothing" ultimatum. By her saying you don't want to hang out with her as a person, that she is looked at just physically. She said she didn't want to rush into anything after her LTR, be gentle with her. So you think if I don't persue her anymore is the wrong decision? And she wasn't really friend zoning me?
IfonlyIknew Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I don't think you were friend zoned. She kissed you and offered to still kiss you, she is trying to tip toe her way back into dating it sounds like.
GorillaTheater Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 No, I don't think you were friend-zoned. She just wasn't ready to sleep with you yet. And no, I don't think your response was appropriate even if she was. It struck me as a bit douchy and classless, especially the part about having other girls on the back burner. 1
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 You are a BF without benefits. She just wants to keep it casual...reality is, she's not that into you. Since you want more and she's not into it, it is up to you to back off and waste your time on someone else. 1
LostOnes05 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I think your response was actually fine. You stated what you wanted and stuck to it. She will ultimately respect that if nothing more. Why? Because what she is telling you is crap to keep you in her company. Why ask "So you don't want to hangout with me as a person?". If I want to go on dates with you and have a relationship, then I obviously appreciate you as a person. That was just her way of putting everything back on you. If she wasn't ready to date, then she shouldn't date. And she is double-talking anyway. She wants to hang out as friends, but is still open to kissing (if you want to)?? I've never kissed one of my friends while just "hanging out with them as a person"...unless she was my girlfriend. See what I mean? She wants to be able to say she's not seeing anyone when a guy comes along that she has interest in, but still be physical enough with you to keep you on the hook. Stay cordial with her since she is your lab partner, but entertain other women. Don't say anything about hanging out unless she specifically asks about going out on a date. And as Corey Wayne would say, the most precious gift you can give someone is your time. Remember that. 1
Author CasualDude10 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 You are a BF without benefits. She just wants to keep it casual...reality is, she's not that into you. Since you want more and she's not into it, it is up to you to back off and waste your time on someone else. waste my time on someone else? so you are saying that I shouldnt let her go?
Author CasualDude10 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Posted October 31, 2016 I think your response was actually fine. You stated what you wanted and stuck to it. She will ultimately respect that if nothing more. Why? Because what she is telling you is crap to keep you in her company. Why ask "So you don't want to hangout with me as a person?". If I want to go on dates with you and have a relationship, then I obviously appreciate you as a person. That was just her way of putting everything back on you. If she wasn't ready to date, then she shouldn't date. And she is double-talking anyway. She wants to hang out as friends, but is still open to kissing (if you want to)?? I've never kissed one of my friends while just "hanging out with them as a person"...unless she was my girlfriend. See what I mean? She wants to be able to say she's not seeing anyone when a guy comes along that she has interest in, but still be physical enough with you to keep you on the hook. Stay cordial with her since she is your lab partner, but entertain other women. Don't say anything about hanging out unless she specifically asks about going out on a date. And as Corey Wayne would say, the most precious gift you can give someone is your time. Remember that. That was my exact thought I had in mind. It seems as you are the only one that agrees with my decision. And I did notice today that she was talking to me (trying to start up different topics of convo) alot more than normal.
leogirl876 Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 Women this age have feelings that change like the wind...anything can make them change their mind or nothing at all. If you like her ask her out...then you will know. That can happen at any age! Even women that are over 40! Our emotions and feelings go up and down, sometimes for no reason and the guy won't even know it. We can want to dump him and then be with him all in one day and him not even know it! LOL 1
ChatroomHero Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 I disagree, she wanted a hangout buddy to practice kissing and he wanted something more. He acted like an adult and was honest, he didn't want to be strung along and used anymore. Good for him. Had not not done that, in 6 months he would be posting here about this girl that strung him along for 6 months saying she can trust anyone yet ended up banging some other dude. He handled it right, he didn't want a push pull, kiss me, don't kiss me today bs relationship that provided him no real long term benefit. I am sure if a woman posted that a guy kissed her but would not commit, the advice would be the same...move on and find someone that is compatible and looking for the same thing. He was honest and saved himself a ton of grief.
salparadise Posted October 31, 2016 Posted October 31, 2016 So basically, do you think I did the right thing when she said she wants to be friends? She said she still wants to hangout with me and kiss "if I (as in me) want to" so does that mean I am still friend zoned? I clearly like her, just don't know if what I did was the right thing to this situation. What do you all think? I think you're doing just fine. She wants to keep you on the string, keep you pursuing while she plays somewhat disinterested, and gets to have it both ways... like smackie said, a boyfriend without benefits. You said no thanks, I don't care to be kissing cousins or whatever. You don't get to have it on your terms because that doesn't work for me. And you did it without burning your bridges. She seems to have an avoidant attachment thing going on. Hard to know if it's a phase or immaturity or if she's seriously avoidant. There are only two ways to deal with the avoidants a) pass because they're stunted emotionally, or b) if you just can't resist, you have to be aloof to keep them pulling. As soon as you a bit too close they'll push and it sucks. For this reason, choose the former. It's almost impossible to have a fulfilling relationship with an avoidant type.
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