jetstobrazil Posted October 24, 2016 Posted October 24, 2016 (edited) Hi all - Not really sure what I'm expecting here, but just felt like I had to put this out into the universe and out of my head. This is my life over the last six months: 1. In the beginning of April this year, I had been dating H for almost two years. I traveled every week for work to a new city, and lived in hotel rooms. In the weekends I would stay with H, I had no stable address. This was the cause of a lot of relationship tension, as you can imagine. She had been very distant and we had been fighting, it very much felt like it was coming to an end. 2. On H's birthday in April I was ill, and although I joined the party at her place I wasn't up for going clubbing and left her to it. She never came home that night, and it turns out she had a mental health breakdown (she suffered from Bipolar, and potentially also from BPD). This led to a chain of events that had her re-evaluating her life and eventually breaking us up. We left on good terms, both grateful for the time we had together and sad it had to end. It's unclear how much is due to my job, her mental health, or general tension in the relationship. 3. I'm heartbroken for H, but ultimately resolve to be optimistic and try to be grateful for the time we've had and look forward to what might happen next in life. 4. After what is far too little time really (just a week), I end up on a date with one of my co-workers. As our job was traveling around and living in various hotels, we would sometimes cross paths. What was meant to be a fairly safe hook up where we couldn't really pursue anything more due to travelling all over the place, turned a little more romantic. We'll call her S. 5. S and I agree to take things slow, and meet up wherever work allows or we can arrange ourselves. It's a nice reminder of what a healthy relationship feels like, after being in a withering one. I do not think of any of this as a rebound despite how quickly it happened. 6. After about a month of this, S and I have sex. She is inexperienced but the chemistry is amazing. She says she loves me, which feels inappropriately soon. 6. By some strange chance, H texts me the day after I first have sex with S. H's dog has died, and she is very distraught. I am kind and sympathetic, but keep it above board. 7. I get offered an interview to work permanently in the same city for one of my clients. 8. I have a rather humiliating sex experience with S, where she all but actually falls asleep during. 9. A week later I go to the interview, and get offered the Job. S neither wishes me luck nor asks how it went. 10. I eventually text her to tell her, and arrange to meet up. 11. Due to this weird sex experience, the lack of care shown towards my major job interview, and the fact that we would no longer be traveling around together I decide to call it quits on whatever almost relationship we have had for the last two months. 12. S is very understanding, expresses an interest in being friends with benefits if travel brings her back in my direction. Says she wants me to be happy. 13. S and I do meet again and have a sexual encounter, but after talking the morning after it seems she can't handle not being serious and we decide to stop this as well. 14. She initially sends heart-break texts, talking about how hard she is finding things etc. But as the months go by she seems to settle down, we text occasionally to check in but it is not very regular. 15. In the 3 months in-between then and now, I have casual sex with two other women. 16. This week I am off my new job and decide to work my old job for a week to raise some money. By good or bad luck I actually end up with same client and in the same hotel as S. I'm not sure what to expect given that our situations have not really changed, but I'm excited just to spend time with somebody who is close to me - whether it is friendly or otherwise. 17. We arrange to go for dinner when we arrive at the hotel on sunday night (This sunday passed). But S is running late and cancels dinner, saying she will stop by and say hi whenever she gets in. 18. The hours go by and I am waiting and waiting. I get updates every now and then about how her journey is going. Eventually she gets in and texts to say she is going to shower and settle down etc. An hour later she texts to cancel saying she is exhausted from the journey. 19. I'm left in the awful position of knowing the first time I see her will be at work the next morning, where we will be unable to talk or catch up or clear the air. We have other co-workers with us who we do not want to know about our relationship, and we have to be professional etc. The thought of this is fairly horrifying and leads to me spending a couple of hours drinking in the hotel bar alone. 20. The morning comes and we work through the day. She hugs me when she sees me, and we are friendly and joke together. We get a few minutes alone and agree that we will catch up after we have dinner with our co-workers. 21. We take separate cars back from dinner, and I text her to tell her to come over when she is ready. An hour and a half goes by with no responses. I phone and there is no answer. Again I am drinking in the hotel bar. 22. She eventually texts with an excuse about an app being left open that means she does not get notified of messages. She says she is going to sleep soon but could come talk for 20 minutes. She repeatedly stresses she is very tired, to the point where I essentially tell her not to worry. I am in a bad mood from the second night of waiting up and feel like her excuse is poor and the message is fairly clear. 23. She comes up anyway. And gets under my bed covers due to the cold. We talk for a little bit but it feels quite uncomfortable and I feel like I have emotional jet lag from the waiting and am not great company. 24. She reveals she was in a hotel in my city the week before, but was too busy to come and see me. She tells me this as a way to explain how tired she is and why she hasn't been available. I don't know if I have a right to be disappointed she was so close and did not get in contact, but it does not feel very nice. 25. After a half hour chat, with some nice moments but mainly uncomfortable, she has left. 26. I am here contemplating the fact that I will need to work with her again tomorrow morning and pretend to be professional again, when it feels like nothing is resolved. We did not talk about us. I did not tell her I was annoyed for being essentially stood up twice. I feel as though I am unlikely to get a chance to talk to her on her own again. Although we only dated for a short time, we shared a lot of nice moments and it's sad to see everything so cold and so guarded. I was always very honest about everything during our time together, about my recent break up and about the difficulties of trying to date with our traveling job etc. We had an amicable break up, and although we tried friends with benefits we were also very open and up front about whether we felt this would work without hurting anyone. Honestly I wasn't super fussed about sleeping together this week, but more just spending some time with someone that I had that intimate connection with. I'll say it again. I don't know what I was expecting this week but I was expecting that honesty to be a factor. That we would talk and decide to spend the week together, or just as friends. Instead there is a horrible elephant in the room and everything is very guarded and uncomfortable. I don't know what to do about the next four days. Part of me wants to just confront the whole situation - just to get it out and open even if the outcome is pretty clear. Although I am not looking forward to trying to get some time for a private conversation with her again. Big picture is that I feel very disillusioned with relationships. I had a five year relationship end when I was a little younger, and I remember being a little cliche and melodramatic in feeling that I wouldn't love anyone again. Now after H and S I know I'll probably fall for people again, but just that it seems a little redundant when it can only be sustained for so long. Somehow having two relationships end on good terms is really hammering home the message that love is not enough. Sorry for the rambling. I can't keep all this in my head anymore Edited October 24, 2016 by jetstobrazil
oldbutcurious Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 I guess you survived. Yes, you will. There's a lot of us waiting/frustrated/want to be loved but not the one who wants us / confused, wanting much more from other/s, etcetera. We get sad, or extremely sad at times. We go on, we wait. We work, we sleep. You like S, she liked you, but she's always tired at work, and seems you want more... that happens a lot, to a lot of people. You'll have to meet others, again, and try again.
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