I completely cut him off (43 days NC). Will he be scared to reach out?

October 24, 2016

It’s been about 42 days of NO contact with my ex since he broke up with me. We were together for about 5 ½ serious months (so we did everything a serious couple would do like introduce to each other’s families and friends, attended friends’ weddings, work parties, etc). I deleted him off all social media, signed out of his Netflix account, deleted his number, etc. I told him that I would do this when he broke it off.

I am mad about this break-up. It seemed to be out of nowhere, but as I’ve done more reading online here, he was probably thinking about it for weeks or months. We had so many trips and stuff coming up and he just broke it off to what it seemed like at the time to be an irrational move.

Our relationship before the break-up was really good! We fought a healthy amount and talked through our concerns early on. Some of our concerns were things like his porn habits, smoking habits, and my issues with his attraction for me. Anyway, we talked these things through and I gave him ways out of the relationship earlier in our dating if he wasn’t into it! He said he was and wanted to keep going. We were working through these issues together. He said he didn’t feel as strongly at first as I did for him but then his feelings grew as the relationship progressed (so he says). I stopped having doubts about his doubts because his actions and words lined up and showed that he was (what seemed to be) genuinely caring for me in a romantic way. Three days before the break-up, I was away at work conference and when I came back we spent a day together. He was all over me, said he missed me and was excited to see me and everything seemed normal. His actions indicated that perhaps he was falling more deeply for me. Days later before we were supposed to go to my brother’s house for a birthday dinner he break-ups with me and he tells me that he isn’t ready for a relationship and doesn’t know what he wants. He says maybe his feelings aren’t as strong for me (but he still has feelings he says) and he thinks I deserve better. I tell him that we can work through this. He doesn’t know what to do, so I stop trying to convince him. I told him that I would cut him off. A couple of days later I did.

Background on him: He’s quite introverted and likes to be on his own a lot. He’s a lawyer (not sure if this matters). I’m his first sexual experience, first girlfriend, first everything relationship (he’s 29). Well, he kissed a girl in high school, but that doesn’t count because it wasn’t as serious. I’m not his type physically (I’m blonde and he typically is attracted to brunettes) but he said he found me quite attractive, though when he told me his type I immediately felt insecure (and maybe I shouldn’t have shared my insecurities with him, but I wanted to be honest). He does find a lot of different kinds of women attractive but brunettes are his preference. The smoking problem I let go because he did it around me and I’m somewhat bothered by it (I can’t handle the smell) so he stopped smoking around me and the porn thing, well that’s something we were working on. It just introduced intimacy problems and sexual problems (I didn’t have a problem with him watching, but he was watching at unhealthy levels that affected our relationship). But, we were actively working on these things and he wanted to change. I did not force him to. I accepted the way he was and he said he wanted to make these changes.

I don’t understand why he broke it off when everything was going so well (and I’ve had my fair share of bad relationships, so I know this was a really good one). He said he’s been thinking about this for awhile now and felt that it needed to be done. I don’t know if his inexperience is the reason (so he can’t make sense of his feelings or doesn’t know when to fight for a relationship), or he really lost feelings for me (which he says might be the case but he said he’s so confused so he doesn’t even know), or the fact that I’m his first serious relationship scared him because of how serious we were getting. A lot of the “serious” stuff progressed because of him mostly. Though, I did do some work also in furthering the relationship. He seemed to be on the same page.

I feel betrayed and cheated cause he ruined “our future”. He’s never had a falling out with someone or stopped talking to someone he cares about, so I’m the first person in his life that he’s hurt in this way and that has cut him off. Since I cut off all communication in the strictest way and we haven’t talked since the day of the break-up, do you think it will scare him from reaching out to me if he wants to reconsider his decision? People have told me that I was so mean to cut him off (especially because he was a really good boyfriend but he just wasn’t feeling it so broke it off before it got more serious). But, since he doesn’t have experience, do you think my harsh NC scared him off that he wouldn’t consider talking to me because he thinks (a) I hate him, (b) I wouldn’t talk to him anyway, © I told him I didn’t want to see or talk to him again (I was upset and this came out but I didn't say it angrily), and (d) because my deleting indicates that I want nothing to do with him ever? Again, I’m concerned that his inexperience doesn’t give him the insight on how to reach out if he wants to. I will not reach out to him. I just want to make sure that I didn't close the door on our reconciliation (if there is one).

Also, if anyone can give me insight into what potentially motivated his actions to break-up or insight into why he did all of that, then I'd appreciate it too! I know we can't read his mind and stuff, but if others have similar experiences, I'd appreciate other perspectives.

October 24, 2016

I don't think the specific reason matters, especially since he didn't seem to really know himself. Just because a relationship seems good to you doesn't mean it's what the other person wants. Yeah, he wanted to be with you at some point, but feelings change. Sometimes there is no explanation.

If he wanted to talk to you, I imagine he would have, regardless of you being angry. He knows he caused that anger and that he could fix things by reconciling. and no contact was a great idea. maybe you didn't need to flip out, but when you're trying to get over someone, the focus should be on yourself and your own healing.

But as far as reconciliation, are you sure you want to be with a guy who can change his mind like that? you were blindsided when you thought things were going well so whose to say it wouldn't happen again after reconciliation?

October 24, 2016

I don't think being cut off would stop him contacting you if he really wanted to. Men will run barefoot over broken glass if they're in love and serious about a woman. I think it sounds more like a case of he does like you and care for you, but you're not the person he wants to spend his life with and he knows it's better to end it after five months and hurt you now rather than let it get to the alter and be a divorce-in-waiting. In my life and relationship experience I've always found that the max any person will go without trying to contact someone they're in love with is about 2 weeks, any longer is unbearable. I think best to accept the end of the relationship and move on to someone who prefers blondes.

October 24, 2016

I think the fact that you were his first sexual experience only may have made him want to see what else is out there. He did say he was attracted to brunettes and perhaps wants to date one now. He is young at 29 and probably wants to date more girls to be sure before he settles down.

October 25, 2016

If a man really wants you, he doesn't break up with you to begin with. And you going No Contact was smart. He knows where to find you if he wants to talk. The people telling you that you were "mean" are, quite frankly, being ridiculous. You are protecting yourself. In my experience, if a man really wants to get in touch, he will.

After only 5 months, for whatever reason, he didn't feel it was right to continue. As another poster pointed out, he is quite inexperienced for his age and perhaps now wants to explore that. That doesn't mean you somehow aren't good enough, but I also would be hesitant about dating a nearly 30-year-old man who has essentially zero relationship experience. Not because of his skills, per se. But, when you think about it, most of us don't wind up with our first loves. He is experiencing his later in life but probably isn't ready to settle down yet, just as many of us weren't either when dating our first partners.

I understand why you are hurt and confused, especially when things seemed to be going so well. But believe me when I say you never want to be the "fixer" in situations like this. He needs to do that on his own. Keep No Contact. I have a feeling the relationship would have been a lot of work if you'd continued, so this probably really is for the best.

October 25, 2016

I don't think the specific reason matters, especially since he didn't seem to really know himself. Just because a relationship seems good to you doesn't mean it's what the other person wants. Yeah, he wanted to be with you at some point, but feelings change. Sometimes there is no explanation.

If he wanted to talk to you, I imagine he would have, regardless of you being angry. He knows he caused that anger and that he could fix things by reconciling. and no contact was a great idea. maybe you didn't need to flip out, but when you're trying to get over someone, the focus should be on yourself and your own healing.

But as far as reconciliation, are you sure you want to be with a guy who can change his mind like that? you were blindsided when you thought things were going well so whose to say it wouldn't happen again after reconciliation?

Thanks for your perspective. I think your reasons echo with mine, which is why I went strict NC. It's been really hard and I keep thinking to myself, "did I ruin our chance of reconciliation by blocking him from everything?" It has primarily to do with his personality. He's somewhat of a pushover. So, he rarely gets mad at people and is a "people" pleaser. He said he doesn't do this with his friends and not with me, but a part of me didn't believe him. I guess that was a red flag. My concern has to do with him being a pushover and generally shy and so I keep thinking that because of that, he'd be scared to reach out. But, why would I want someone who'd be scared to fight for me or us, right?

October 25, 2016

I don't think being cut off would stop him contacting you if he really wanted to. Men will run barefoot over broken glass if they're in love and serious about a woman. I think it sounds more like a case of he does like you and care for you, but you're not the person he wants to spend his life with and he knows it's better to end it after five months and hurt you now rather than let it get to the alter and be a divorce-in-waiting. In my life and relationship experience I've always found that the max any person will go without trying to contact someone they're in love with is about 2 weeks, any longer is unbearable. I think best to accept the end of the relationship and move on to someone who prefers blondes.

I got quite sad and hurt reading your comment, probably because deep down I know it's true. It's been hard to accept that during NC because he hasn't contacted me and each day that goes by just confirms that it's over. It's gotten easier now that we're not talking, but I still wish things were different. I wish he felt different, but I respect myself too much to keep in contact with someone who expressed that he does not want to be with me. Thanks for your perspective. =)

October 25, 2016

I think the fact that you were his first sexual experience only may have made him want to see what else is out there. He did say he was attracted to brunettes and perhaps wants to date one now. He is young at 29 and probably wants to date more girls to be sure before he settles down.

Thanks for your comment. I do think that has a part in it. He talked about the future a lot and brought up future talks more than I did, so I assumed he was open to a future with me and if it worked out with just me, that he'd be happy with that. He said I made him happy and was happy in our relationship. So the break-up was a shock. Maybe he was trying to convince or lie to himself that he wanted to be with me or the relationship, so he stuck it out. Maybe he wanted the "relationship" more than he wanted to be with me and that confused him.

October 25, 2016

If a man really wants you, he doesn't break up with you to begin with. And you going No Contact was smart. He knows where to find you if he wants to talk. The people telling you that you were "mean" are, quite frankly, being ridiculous. You are protecting yourself. In my experience, if a man really wants to get in touch, he will.

After only 5 months, for whatever reason, he didn't feel it was right to continue. As another poster pointed out, he is quite inexperienced for his age and perhaps now wants to explore that. That doesn't mean you somehow aren't good enough, but I also would be hesitant about dating a nearly 30-year-old man who has essentially zero relationship experience. Not because of his skills, per se. But, when you think about it, most of us don't wind up with our first loves. He is experiencing his later in life but probably isn't ready to settle down yet, just as many of us weren't either when dating our first partners.

I understand why you are hurt and confused, especially when things seemed to be going so well. But believe me when I say you never want to be the "fixer" in situations like this. He needs to do that on his own. Keep No Contact. I have a feeling the relationship would have been a lot of work if you'd continued, so this probably really is for the best.

Thanks for your comments! I completely agree. It's just hard to accept. He does know where I live and he can email me if he wants. It's just his personality, him being shy and a bit of a pushover, makes me feel like my harsh NC scares him from ever getting in touch. But, the more I think about it, why would I want someone like that? If I think about the demands of a long-term relationship, I would need someone "stronger". But, I felt he had so much potential, but basing it on potential isn't going to do me any good and I can't and don't want to change someone.

Interesting about his inexperience and age. When I first met him at a party, I ignored that fact because I liked him and then we went on a couple of dates and it's seemed to be going well. The more we got to know each other, I stopped having such deep doubts, even though they were still there. I felt that because of how he was acting (so loving, caring, and reciprocating) that could end up with just me in the future and be ok with it. But, that was my hope and me being naive. That should have been a red flag. I'm disappointed that he talked and acted as if we had a future and that he'd be ok with just me in his future and settling down and then turns around and changes his mind. I definitely understand his lack of experience making him want to experience more. I'm just so hurt that I wish it were different. Rationally, I do understand. This sucks. He just seemed so mature in so many ways so I thought he could do the long-term thing, but maybe his lack of experience makes him not ready or maybe he'd be ready with the "right" person.

It just all seemed to be going right and in the direction for long-term and then he freaked. I understand that it's probably for the better, but it's been really hard to accept. NC is the only thing I can do for myself right now. =(

October 25, 2016

Have you considered that he may be comfortable with his decision and hasn't considered asking for another chance? I know this is blunt, but life's too short to spend your time worrying about 'what if'.

At a few months in, it's not uncommon for people to be infatuated and talk about long term plans. But as a woman who's got a bit of dating experience, you should know by now that anything said during those early months of infatuation should be taken with a grain of salt. ESPECIALLY if they are uttered by someone who's got limited experience and doesn't understand that what one feels during infatuation doesn't always reflect how they will feel long term.

There will be more men. And you will find someone. Don't waste your time dwelling on the past.

October 25, 2016

Have you considered that he may be comfortable with his decision and hasn't considered asking for another chance? I know this is blunt, but life's too short to spend your time worrying about 'what if'.

At a few months in, it's not uncommon for people to be infatuated and talk about long term plans. But as a woman who's got a bit of dating experience, you should know by now that anything said during those early months of infatuation should be taken with a grain of salt. ESPECIALLY if they are uttered by someone who's got limited experience and doesn't understand that what one feels during infatuation doesn't always reflect how they will feel long term.

There will be more men. And you will find someone. Don't waste your time dwelling on the past.

Thanks for your perspective. Actually, I believe that he is comfortable with his decision and hasn't considered asking for another chance (especially as each day passes). My concern was that IF he changes his mind and might someday want a second chance (not sure if he does), then I might have closed that door for him because of my instant cut-off and his personality (being shy and a pushover with limited experience).

It's funny cause I do agree and understand everything that you're saying. I do have a bit of experience and know that sometimes what someone says doesn't always match up with how they might feel or reflect long-term. When I was in the relationship, I just got caught up with how good I felt with him and how confident he seemed during important parts of the relationship, that I got sidetracked and didn't think seriously about his lack of experience. The more I think about it, the more some of the things we disagreed about stemmed from our different life experiences and maturities in relationships not matching. It's weird that even when we know things rationally, our emotions might take over and make us naive in things (which was probably my case). Lesson learned, I guess. I still miss him though, but you're right, that there will be other men!

October 26, 2016

Thanks for your perspective. Actually, I believe that he is comfortable with his decision and hasn't considered asking for another chance (especially as each day passes). My concern was that IF he changes his mind and might someday want a second chance (not sure if he does), then I might have closed that door for him because of my instant cut-off and his personality (being shy and a pushover with limited experience).

It's funny cause I do agree and understand everything that you're saying. I do have a bit of experience and know that sometimes what someone says doesn't always match up with how they might feel or reflect long-term. When I was in the relationship, I just got caught up with how good I felt with him and how confident he seemed during important parts of the relationship, that I got sidetracked and didn't think seriously about his lack of experience. The more I think about it, the more some of the things we disagreed about stemmed from our different life experiences and maturities in relationships not matching. It's weird that even when we know things rationally, our emotions might take over and make us naive in things (which was probably my case). Lesson learned, I guess. I still miss him though, but you're right, that there will be other men!

i understand. You miss him and you're holding out hope this broken thing is going to somehow work. Your brain is going 'maybe he doesn't think he can contact me'. So let's say hypothetically you fix this by telling him he can contact you. Then your brain will say 'well maybe he now thinks I'm too available' 'well maybe he thinks this..' 'maybe if I had done that..''maybe if I hadn't done that..' Just no!!! The main point of NC is too move on with your life. You really can't do that if you're worrying 'if he changes his mind one day....' The guy I was seeing who dumped me I just blocked. I gave him 1 week, which is actually way too much time. I realized he already made up his mind when he dumped me. I told him I was blocking him on everything. He wanted to know why. I never told him, but it's so he wouldn't try to contact me. We both deserve better than guys who dump us, need time to change their mind about us, on the fence about us, might settle for us in the future. A guy who would never do that to you is out there. Best wishes.

Edited October 26, 2016 by Cookiesandough

October 26, 2016

I'm a guy, here's my opinion...go no contact. Block all numbers, social media, everything. I would set a goal that if after 90 days of no contact it wasn't meant to be. If he has feelings for you, he'll knock the door down to get to you. If and when he does text or call, I would ignore the first one. Make him feel like there's no backup plan.

October 26, 2016

This concern comes up all the time on LS.

Dumpers often will say stuff like "oh, I didn't contact you because I thought you would hate me" blah blah blah.

But pause for a moment.........

That thought process is all about them and has nothing to do with you. That person is saying they can quite easily make a life-changing decision without you being involved in the process.

And sadly, in that case they probably aren't even feeling remorseful. Because if someone really did feel horrible about something they did, they would apologise for sure. You only apologise when you care, that's just human nature.

October 27, 2016

I'm a guy, here's my opinion...go no contact. Block all numbers, social media, everything. I would set a goal that if after 90 days of no contact it wasn't meant to be. If he has feelings for you, he'll knock the door down to get to you. If and when he does text or call, I would ignore the first one. Make him feel like there's no backup plan.

Thanks for the advice. I've been doing strict NC since the break-up. Haven't heard from him and not hoping to. If he does, I will not accept anything less than "I want to discuss getting back together." It's certainly not easy, but I know I deserve better.

October 27, 2016

This concern comes up all the time on LS.

Dumpers often will say stuff like "oh, I didn't contact you because I thought you would hate me" blah blah blah.

But pause for a moment.........

That thought process is all about them and has nothing to do with you. That person is saying they can quite easily make a life-changing decision without you being involved in the process.

And sadly, in that case they probably aren't even feeling remorseful. Because if someone really did feel horrible about something they did, they would apologise for sure. You only apologise when you care, that's just human nature.

Yeah, I can understand that perspective. I mean, if he really wanted to be with me, he would have contacted me by now. I think he cares, just not enough. It hurts so much, but I need to heal and move on and stop hoping or wondering about it. Much easier said than done. =( Thanks for your advice!

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I completely cut him off (43 days NC). Will he be scared to reach out?

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