How can I get him to LISTEN and show EMPATHY when I express an annoyance or concern?

[kandykane622]

My boyfriend and I have a minor problem in communication style. I'm the type of person who chooses her battles, yes-- but will not hesitate to bring up issues that have become patterns and be direct about what bothers me. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is really bad at confrontation so it's rare he'll tell me I did something that bothers him unless a lot of time has passed and he's drunk enough; and when he does, my first instinct is to apologize profusely. But when I confront him about something, he will turn stone cold-- no reply at all, but change the subject "to lighten the mood." I'm the type of person that you can't change the subject easily on me, so I'll reply quickly to the new topic, then take it back to my original topic. All I need is a reply-- yes, no, maybe--- but since I get no reply, I turn stone cold myself until the original problem is addressed, which has left us in many long, cold silences until he finally is willing to address the issue I brought up.

 

Once he does talk about it, it makes me feel better-- and wonder-- why couldn't you just reply that in the beginning? Once he's open, he's able to fully express himself (usually after a few drinks) and during those lucid moments he has told me that a reason he usually stays quiet is because when I bring something up, he thinks of a million different things he can say and a million different ways the conversation can go, so that in the end he says nothing. That frustrates me to no end. How do I state what I want in a relationship or what annoys me without pushing my boyfriend away or leading him to shut down, or having to wait weeks for him to bring it up on a drunk night? I hate that idea that one has to walk on eggshells to express something to someone. Sometimes it's like a frustrating puzzle, no matter how diplomatic I try to be, how much tact I employ, it's always an enigma when communicating with him.

 

Okay, so for example, the other night we went to a Halloween party and he spent the whole night on his phone, playing FIFA and Pokemon. I didn't tell him anything, hoping he would put it down eventually without me having to complain. He never did. I waited until after we had left the party to express to him how I felt by him doing that-- that I felt super alone, that if he didn't want to go he could've just told me; that when we go out with other people he's fully there because when he's only with me, I'm probably old news so he doesn't pay attention. NOW-- the way I WOULD have replied to that would've been --- "OMG! I'm so sorry, I didn't know I made you feel taht way... I was just playing this game, I didn't think it bugged you" (we're both phone addicts so it would've been understandable and forgivable, but we both usually try to put the phone down during dates, so I had never actually brought it up because it never had bothered me so much). Ok, so instead of him saying ANYTHIG-- he said NOTHING. Tried changing the topic by making dumb jokes, to which I didn't reply. I brought it up again the next morning, he still said nothing. I told him what I would have said, and he said he has nothing to say. I feel like he didn't hear me, like he didn't understand-- and I felt so frustrated that yesterday instead of going out with him Halloween shopping for another party as he had suggested the day before, I just went over to my mom's. I just can't be around him when an original topic that I brought up is ignored.

 

When I came home last night he asked if I could see a movie with him. Again I expressed why I couldn't, because my original topic still hasn't been addressed; he said he doesn't see he did anything wrong so he has nothing to say. Is it not enough that I told him how HE MADE ME FEEL? Is it so hard for him to say "sorry you felt that way?" ANYTHING to make me feel he heard? To this day (two days later) that was never resolved. Instead, he made me feel bad for canceling the plan and the way i dealt with it. I ended up watching the movie with him, but this is still in my mind. It's not so much about what he did that night (play Pokemon and FIFA all night and making me feel invisible at that party), but about the fact that he didn't HEAR ME. still doesn't hear me that I felt that way that night.

 

We are planning to marry in the next year. I feel like we need to do SOMETHING to resolve this communication issue. I don't think a marriage can survive that many days in silence-- he stays silent if I bring up a topic, and I refuse to let it go unless he at least acknowledges what I just said. He doesn't have to admit he did something wrong-- only that i felt a certain way. He can agree or disagree-- but say SOMETHING. UGH. I'm frustrated just writing this. Any tips, dear love gurus?!

[Gr8fuln2020]

First of all, this is a serious communiction issue, not minor. He doesn't have a different communication style, he does not communicate effectively and appropriately and accordingly to your needs. You don't sound unreasonable.

 

You need to sit down and tell him that if things don't change that you may need to postpone any engagement. COMMUNICATION IS MONUMENTAL....if he doesn't change, it will be a terror.

 

Seriously. Communication is the top 1-2 reason for failed relationships/marriages. This is a serious issue.

[lana-banana]

It's not that he doesn't hear you, he doesn't listen to you, and that's much worse. He's actively disregarding your feelings. He sounds immature and selfish. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who will only be honest when he's drunk?