How do I fix this?

[thecrucible]

Well I did send her an apology text. I thought about a voicemail but I just wanted to make sure I said all I had to say and didn't get nervous and forget anything. It shows she read it but she hasn't responded. I expected that.

 

What did you say in your text?

[IWasWrong]

What did you say in your text?

 

Basically, I told her that I was sincerely sorry for what happened & the embarrassment I caused her. I told her that I was sorry I ruined her birthday dinner after she was looking forward to it for weeks. I told her my outburst really had nothing to do with her and that I just didn't know how to hold my insecurities in- I'm sure she knows it was something like this since she is a counselor. She's often able to tell me why I do things before I, myself even understands why. *sigh*

 

I told her why I waited so long to apologize and that she deserves way better and the way that she handled the situation only made me respect and adore her even more and that I'm aware I truly screwed it up.

 

I let her know that she truly was not a rebound. I also told her that since she basically looks like a victoria's secret model with brains and the best personality, that whoever ends up with her will be one of the luckiest men alive (and I truly mean that).

[Versacehottie]

Before I start. Yes it was my fault and yes I already know I'm a complete idiot.

 

There is a woman I have been dating for a little over a month and she is perfect. Looks wise she is absolutely stunning and people tell come up to her & her that every time we are on a date (we live in LA where there is a lot of beauty but she still stands out) But what is even better is that besides the fact that she is gorgeous, she is smart, has a heart as she loves her job helping families as they cope with mental illness. She also has a great personality and is always joking & smiling.

 

A few weeks into us seeing each other, I started getting a little annoyed at all the attention she gets even when I'm with her. I can't imagine what she goes through when she's alone or out with friends. One guy took it upon himself to knock on the window of the restaurant and blow her a kiss while we were out at dinner and another time a bartender of a wine bar I took her to was giving her free drinks, even though it was obvious we were on a date. She never even did anything to provoke this behavior either. I have never seen anything like it. I'm wondering if it has something to do with the fact that she is black and I am white-I don't know. The guys that are hitting on her are white and Hispanic, so maybe they think they have more to offer than I do...? But interracial dating is pretty normal here so I don't know if that's it either. I'm successful and I would say that I am good looking so I don't know why I was feeling threatened.

 

So it comes to this weekend. Her birthday. I want to take her out to a fancy restaurant; one I recall her saying was her favorite. It turns out it was not her favorite (this becomes relevant later). I invite my friends and their gfs. We are at my place hanging out and she's getting to know the other gfs as the guys and I talk in the kitchen. One of my friends continues to go on and on about how beautiful she is and wishes he weren't taken so he could have a chance. On the outside I played cool but on the inside I was irate. I stayed irate for the whole evening, eventually taking it out on her.

 

We are at dinner, she is having a nice time and my friends are loving her. Then we bring up the restaurant and she makes a joke in a very sweet manner saying it wasn't really her favorite restaurant and I got her mixed up with someone else. Then she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Everyone laughed but I became defensive and irritated (as I was already irritated) and before I was done thinking I told her she was ungrateful and rude and that she is selfish and spoiled and that I was only dating her because she was a rebound and that if she didn't appreciate what I was doing for her I could gladly go back to my ex who looked way better than her. I will never forget the look on her face. The whole table fell silent and she literally looked like she wanted to cry. She barely spoke the rest of the night.

 

In the uber she wouldn't even look at me and I swear she was crying. It was dark so I'm not exactly sure. We got back to my place, she still looked teary eyed and she took her bag as she was supposed to stay over, packed it up and told me "thanks for dinner" and quietly left. She didn't even scream at me like I deserved, which makes me respect her more. She's so classy.

 

I haven't talked to her since only because I froze. I don't even know where to start. What do I say? What do I do? My friends told me it's a lost cause and to move on. I don't want to. Any ideas on how to get her back?

 

I am 38 and she is 33.

 

OMG, I am heartbroken for her. This is one of the meanest things I've ever heard. Bolded, WTF??? Why would you say something like that?? Oh i get it, your insecurity just couldn't take it anymore and you COMPLETELY took it out on her for nothing she did wrong. Stuff that just happened that had built up and made you feel less than. If she is smart, she will run from this and not speak to you again. AND on her birthday. Omygosh. I'm seriously dying.

 

So listen you sent the apology (text, lame but it's done). Now I would leave her alone. If she wants to talk to you she knows how to reach you.

 

I honestly feel a little bad for you too. What depths of insecurity and inadequacy would have you doing and saying such things?!??! No excuse for what you did but it must be hard to be in you skin if you feel like this. I think your first order of business is to get some professional help. Seriously. It was irrational completely that you took this stuff out on her. Just even coping in such a way is something that is hard to get over and as someone said above you will just find yourself repeating the same mistakes over and over if you don't address this. It's not ok to lash out like this (which you only seem to understand as a consequence of losing her). If she was less perfect, less classy, more in your league, is there ANY justification for this? In the future maybe if you dial down the "perfects" you will handle things better too. No one is perfect. I think that just amp'd up your problem situation. I think you created a self-imposed pressure cooker--pretty much all based on your insecurity. I think your friend was trying to compliment you but because of your insecurity and all the things that had happened before you didn't take it like that. for the record, guys showing her attention is not bad stuff happening and you need to find a way to perceive it like that. You want to date pretty girls, this is what is going to happen and by your own account she didn't do anything out of line with regard to that attention.

 

I can't believe no one has mentioned this: how is a dinner composed of all your friends and their girlfriends, a celebration of HER birthday?? Unless you were doing two or she has no real friends? Are you sure you just weren't trying to show her off? Why do i get the feeling that however remorseful you are sounding now, that this is ALL about you? Times 100 however humiliated you are imagining her to be that this happened among all of YOUR friends who she was meeting for the first time. Where the heck is the SMH emoji???

[salparadise]

Basically, I told her that I was sincerely sorry for what happened & the embarrassment I caused her. I told her that I was sorry I ruined her birthday dinner after she was looking forward to it for weeks. I told her my outburst really had nothing to do with her and that I just didn't know how to hold my insecurities in- I'm sure she knows it was something like this since she is a counselor. She's often able to tell me why I do things before I, myself even understands why. *sigh*

 

I told her why I waited so long to apologize and that she deserves way better and the way that she handled the situation only made me respect and adore her even more and that I'm aware I truly screwed it up.

 

I let her know that she truly was not a rebound. I also told her that since she basically looks like a victoria's secret model with brains and the best personality, that whoever ends up with her will be one of the luckiest men alive (and I truly mean that).

 

 

I believe you. I believe that you are truly sorry, and that you realize what you've lost because of that unfortunate outburst.

 

However, I also think there is something else simmering beneath the surface that you probably aren't aware of. To say hurtful things in the heat of an argument is one thing, but you blasted her unilaterally in front of guests at her birthday dinner! You came completely unhinged, apparently. Complete loss of control, misdirected, and inappropriate given the context.

 

What do you think? When was the last time your behavior was driven by anger, jealousy or raw emotion?

[mikeylo]

Look man, if she is pretty, smart, hot and stands out from the crowd, then she IS going to attract attention. She is a grown woman and probably knows how to take care of herself. If she is isn't provoking others to hit on her, then it's not her fault.What you see in her is something others also see. Take pride in the fact that she chose you, not them.

 

Is your friend dating her now ? You practically did what he wanted !

 

She is younger than you but wiser. You are an idiot to let her go.

[rester]

I can't believe no one has mentioned this: how is a dinner composed of all your friends and their girlfriends, a celebration of HER birthday??

 

That was my first thought as well but then that issue was overshadowed by the verbal beat-down in the next paragraph.

[ChickiePops]

You're 38 and you behaved this way?? You need some serious, serious help. Up until you said your age, I was assuming you were in your early 20's at the very oldest.

 

Impulse control..try it!

[IWasWrong]

I wanted to introduce her to my friends so I offered to have a meet and birthday dinner. It wouldn't have been my only gift to her. She is having like birthday parties thrown for her bc she hangs out with lots of different types of people. Saturday wasn't her actual birthday.

 

Still no word from her.....

 

I do have really bad anxiety that I am on medication for. I really never thought I had an anger issue. I think my anxiety just got so bad it came out in another form. I am going to talk to my doctor about it.

[Popsicle]

You blew it. If you have any sort of humanity and empathy for her you would apologize to her but don't even try to get her back. Why would she go back with you? It's done.

[Satu]

I wanted to introduce her to my friends so I offered to have a meet and birthday dinner. It wouldn't have been my only gift to her. She is having like birthday parties thrown for her bc she hangs out with lots of different types of people. Saturday wasn't her actual birthday.

 

Still no word from her.....

 

I do have really bad anxiety that I am on medication for. I really never thought I had an anger issue. I think my anxiety just got so bad it came out in another form. I am going to talk to my doctor about it.

 

Its good that you're starting to realise that there is an underlying cause that led to your behaviour. Thats the first step taken.

 

The best thing would be to ask your doctor about a psychological/psychiatric assessment, to get a clear idea of what's going on under the surface.

 

If you walk that road, you'll do ok.

 

 

Take care.

[IWasWrong]

You blew it. If you have any sort of humanity and empathy for her you would apologize to her but don't even try to get her back. Why would she go back with you? It's done.

 

Yeah. You are right. I was hoping- and still hope- that one day she will give me another chance, to at least apologize to her in person. Even if its a year from now.

 

I will definitely leave her alone though.

[Popsicle]

Yeah. You are right. I was hoping- and still hope- that one day she will give me another chance, to at least apologize to her in person. Even if its a year from now.

 

I will definitely leave her alone though.

 

No you need to apologize to her now, even if it's over the phone or voicemail, not wait a year.

[IWasWrong]

No you need to apologize to her now, even if it's over the phone or voicemail, not wait a year.

 

I did. I posted what I wrote to her.

[Satu]

I did. I posted what I wrote to her.

 

That's done, so turn your attention to yourself now.

 

Focus on getting healthy on every level:

 

Mental

 

Emotional

 

Physical

 

For some as yet unknown reason, your ability to regulate your emotions during this incident crashed, and you couldn't cope with what you were feeling.

 

Give this some thought:

 

Sense of agency

 

"Your ability to take action, be effective, influence your own life, and assume responsibility for your behavior are important elements in what you bring to a relationship. This sense of agency is essential for you to feel in control of your life: to believe in your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks or situations. Having a sense of agency influences your stability as a separate person; it is your capacity to be psychologically stable, yet resilient or flexible, in the face of conflict or change."

 

(Credit to Mary C Lamia.)

 

 

Take care.

[IWasWrong]

Thank you. I know I sound like the most horrible human being on the planet, but I appreciate people taking the time to comment/help. It really has helped.

[Satu]

Thank you. I know I sound like the most horrible human being on the planet, but I appreciate people taking the time to comment/help. It really has helped.

 

Keep posting.

 

You're welcome here.

[aileD]

Before I start. Yes it was my fault and yes I already know I'm a complete idiot.

 

There is a woman I have been dating for a little over a month and she is perfect. Looks wise she is absolutely stunning and people tell come up to her & her that every time we are on a date (we live in LA where there is a lot of beauty but she still stands out) But what is even better is that besides the fact that she is gorgeous, she is smart, has a heart as she loves her job helping families as they cope with mental illness. She also has a great personality and is always joking & smiling.

 

A few weeks into us seeing each other, I started getting a little annoyed at all the attention she gets even when I'm with her. I can't imagine what she goes through when she's alone or out with friends. One guy took it upon himself to knock on the window of the restaurant and blow her a kiss while we were out at dinner and another time a bartender of a wine bar I took her to was giving her free drinks, even though it was obvious we were on a date. She never even did anything to provoke this behavior either. I have never seen anything like it. I'm wondering if it has something to do with the fact that she is black and I am white-I don't know. The guys that are hitting on her are white and Hispanic, so maybe they think they have more to offer than I do...? But interracial dating is pretty normal here so I don't know if that's it either. I'm successful and I would say that I am good looking so I don't know why I was feeling threatened.

 

So it comes to this weekend. Her birthday. I want to take her out to a fancy restaurant; one I recall her saying was her favorite. It turns out it was not her favorite (this becomes relevant later). I invite my friends and their gfs. We are at my place hanging out and she's getting to know the other gfs as the guys and I talk in the kitchen. One of my friends continues to go on and on about how beautiful she is and wishes he weren't taken so he could have a chance. On the outside I played cool but on the inside I was irate. I stayed irate for the whole evening, eventually taking it out on her.

 

We are at dinner, she is having a nice time and my friends are loving her. Then we bring up the restaurant and she makes a joke in a very sweet manner saying it wasn't really her favorite restaurant and I got her mixed up with someone else. Then she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Everyone laughed but I became defensive and irritated (as I was already irritated) and before I was done thinking I told her she was ungrateful and rude and that she is selfish and spoiled and that I was only dating her because she was a rebound and that if she didn't appreciate what I was doing for her I could gladly go back to my ex who looked way better than her. I will never forget the look on her face. The whole table fell silent and she literally looked like she wanted to cry. She barely spoke the rest of the night.

 

In the uber she wouldn't even look at me and I swear she was crying. It was dark so I'm not exactly sure. We got back to my place, she still looked teary eyed and she took her bag as she was supposed to stay over, packed it up and told me "thanks for dinner" and quietly left. She didn't even scream at me like I deserved, which makes me respect her more. She's so classy.

 

I haven't talked to her since only because I froze. I don't even know where to start. What do I say? What do I do? My friends told me it's a lost cause and to move on. I don't want to. Any ideas on how to get her back?

 

I am 38 and she is 33.

 

You got what you deserved. I'm sorry, it's over. You can't ever take back those words.

[ChickiePops]

Thank you. I know I sound like the most horrible human being on the planet, but I appreciate people taking the time to comment/help. It really has helped.

 

Nah. Just immature. And kinda dumb. You're not hopeless though..do some work on yourself ok?

[IWasWrong]

Nah. Just immature. And kinda dumb. You're not hopeless though..do some work on yourself ok?

 

LOL good to know. I will. Thanks

[BlueIris]

I can't believe no one has mentioned this: how is a dinner composed of all your friends and their girlfriends, a celebration of HER birthday??

 

That was my first thought as well but then that issue was overshadowed by the verbal beat-down in the next paragraph.

 

And it’s interesting that he’s angry at his friend (and other men, for THEIR behavior) but evidently too afraid to take it out on the friend/them or handle it in the moment, and lashes out at his GF. THAT is really messed up.

Edited October 26, 2016 by BlueIris

[smackie9]

So you guys don't think I should even apologize? My apology will definitely be sincere and I will mention nothing about seeing her again. I just don't want her to think she did something wrong. It wasn't her at all.

There is no way she will ever think she did anything wrong....she thinks there's a whole lot wrong with you........

[salparadise]

I do have really bad anxiety that I am on medication for. I really never thought I had an anger issue. I think my anxiety just got so bad it came out in another form. I am going to talk to my doctor about it.

 

I know I sound like the most horrible human being on the planet, but I appreciate people taking the time to comment/help. It really has helped.

 

It's easy to judge people harshly. You screwed up, but that doesn't make you a horrible person. You reacted horribly. You shot yourself in the foot and have suffered a lost as a result. It hurt her too, I'm sure, and I bet you wished you could take those words back almost the instant they were said. You've got work to do. I hope the outcome is personal growth, greater awareness, control of emotions. Most of the stuff that causes negative emotions is stuff we can and should let go of. Learning to do so is a lifelong process.

[elaine567]

I guess this debacle may have been all about envy.

 

Here is this girl who ticks every box, she is beautiful, smart with a winning smile and a heart of gold.

Everywhere she goes she gets attention.

She has birthday parties thrown for her and the OP joins the ranks of her adoring fan club.

He introduces her to his friends and they, both men and women are agog, they also join her adoring fan club.

The OP wanted to show off his "outstanding" gf, but he got a bit lost in all of the adulation over her. Even his friend wants to date her and can't stop telling everyone how special SHE is..

 

The OP is no longer in control here, he was throwing this party to show what a wonderful man and bf he is and how lucky he is to have this great gf, but they are forgetting about HIM

SHE is now the centre of attention and he is being essentially ignored, he is peeved and irritated.

 

THEN the straw that broke the camel's back, she manages to tell a joke that has everyone laughing, but he sees it as a direct attack on him.

Whilst she and HIS friends are laughing AT him, he cracks.

Who the Hell does she really think she is?

He thinks - these are HIS friends, not hers, she should not be making a joke at his expense - he is now livid.

 

He loses it at HER, as SHE is actually the one who he is very, very angry with.

 

How dare she be so popular, how dare she monopolise everything, how dare she outdo him, how dare she make a fool out of him...

[Versacehottie]

I guess this debacle may have been all about envy.

 

Here is this girl who ticks every box, she is beautiful, smart with a winning smile and a heart of gold.

Everywhere she goes she gets attention.

She has birthday parties thrown for her and the OP joins the ranks of her adoring fan club.

He introduces her to his friends and they, both men and women are agog, they also join her adoring fan club.

The OP wanted to show off his "outstanding" gf, but he got a bit lost in all of the adulation over her. Even his friend wants to date her and can't stop telling everyone how special SHE is..

 

The OP is no longer in control here, he was throwing this party to show what a wonderful man and bf he is and how lucky he is to have this great gf, but they are forgetting about HIM

SHE is now the centre of attention and he is being essentially ignored, he is peeved and irritated.

 

THEN the straw that broke the camel's back, she manages to tell a joke that has everyone laughing, but he sees it as a direct attack on him.

Whilst she and HIS friends are laughing AT him, he cracks.

Who the Hell does she really think she is?

He thinks - these are HIS friends, not hers, she should not be making a joke at his expense - he is now livid.

 

He loses it at HER, as SHE is actually the one who he is very, very angry with.

 

How dare she be so popular, how dare she monopolise everything, how dare she outdo him, how dare she make a fool out of him...

 

I do agree at the heart of the OP's issues may be the need to POSSESS this girl to fill up who HE IS. That's why he was showing her off, throwing a birthday party for her with all of HIS friends. It kinda was backfiring on him (not really, but his perception of it) because he was hypersensitive to her getting attention and wanting to be important himself for this shiny new possession. Sorry, OP when you are working on your stuff, check into this part. If you felt whole and good about yourself, the "incidents" that happened would feel like non-issues and wouldn't have caused an outburst like you had. Also you would have been able to see things more realistically and not taken it out on her.

 

I'm glad you were open to the feedback. I think you will grow from it (hopefully). I also don't think you are an awful person--that was an awful moment though and you must be feeling pretty bad about yourself in general to have been triggered like that. Good luck

[sandylee1]

My word. I came across this because of your comment on another thread about dating an attractive woman.

 

I'm totally gobsmacked that you said that to her. She must have wanted the ground to open up and swallow her.

 

I cant believe it.

 

The person who disrespected you was your friend. He said he'd date her or would like a chance if he was single. No regard for the fact that you were dating her.

 

Didn't your friends tell you there and then you were out of line? If I was one of your friends I'd also back away from you thinking you're mentally unstable.

 

Wow. Just wow!

 

The one decent thing you did was apologise. I'd be suprised if she hasn't blocked your number. If she's never dated a white guy before, this could well be the last time she does.