How do I fix this?

[IWasWrong]

Before I start. Yes it was my fault and yes I already know I'm a complete idiot.

 

There is a woman I have been dating for a little over a month and she is perfect. Looks wise she is absolutely stunning and people tell come up to her & her that every time we are on a date (we live in LA where there is a lot of beauty but she still stands out) But what is even better is that besides the fact that she is gorgeous, she is smart, has a heart as she loves her job helping families as they cope with mental illness. She also has a great personality and is always joking & smiling.

 

A few weeks into us seeing each other, I started getting a little annoyed at all the attention she gets even when I'm with her. I can't imagine what she goes through when she's alone or out with friends. One guy took it upon himself to knock on the window of the restaurant and blow her a kiss while we were out at dinner and another time a bartender of a wine bar I took her to was giving her free drinks, even though it was obvious we were on a date. She never even did anything to provoke this behavior either. I have never seen anything like it. I'm wondering if it has something to do with the fact that she is black and I am white-I don't know. The guys that are hitting on her are white and Hispanic, so maybe they think they have more to offer than I do...? But interracial dating is pretty normal here so I don't know if that's it either. I'm successful and I would say that I am good looking so I don't know why I was feeling threatened.

 

So it comes to this weekend. Her birthday. I want to take her out to a fancy restaurant; one I recall her saying was her favorite. It turns out it was not her favorite (this becomes relevant later). I invite my friends and their gfs. We are at my place hanging out and she's getting to know the other gfs as the guys and I talk in the kitchen. One of my friends continues to go on and on about how beautiful she is and wishes he weren't taken so he could have a chance. On the outside I played cool but on the inside I was irate. I stayed irate for the whole evening, eventually taking it out on her.

 

We are at dinner, she is having a nice time and my friends are loving her. Then we bring up the restaurant and she makes a joke in a very sweet manner saying it wasn't really her favorite restaurant and I got her mixed up with someone else. Then she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Everyone laughed but I became defensive and irritated (as I was already irritated) and before I was done thinking I told her she was ungrateful and rude and that she is selfish and spoiled and that I was only dating her because she was a rebound and that if she didn't appreciate what I was doing for her I could gladly go back to my ex who looked way better than her. I will never forget the look on her face. The whole table fell silent and she literally looked like she wanted to cry. She barely spoke the rest of the night.

 

In the uber she wouldn't even look at me and I swear she was crying. It was dark so I'm not exactly sure. We got back to my place, she still looked teary eyed and she took her bag as she was supposed to stay over, packed it up and told me "thanks for dinner" and quietly left. She didn't even scream at me like I deserved, which makes me respect her more. She's so classy.

 

I haven't talked to her since only because I froze. I don't even know where to start. What do I say? What do I do? My friends told me it's a lost cause and to move on. I don't want to. Any ideas on how to get her back?

 

I am 38 and she is 33.

[smackie9]

.....your friends are right. You blew it, it's over.

 

Sorry but it made me sick to my stomach what you said to her. Her heart was torn out, I feel for her....something wrong with you.

[Mrin]

Wow. Ya. I agree with above. It is over.

 

Thought: you may want to spend some time really looking into yourself at what cause you to lash out like that. Losing your temper is one thing. Going for her figurative throat by saying the things you did is quite another. Why would you say that?

[IWasWrong]

Yeah. I guess if I'm going to be honest here I'd say I said those things bc in some weird, sick, twisted way I wanted to deflate her ego some, even though she didn't even have one.

[Redhead14]

Before I start. Yes it was my fault and yes I already know I'm a complete idiot.

 

There is a woman I have been dating for a little over a month and she is perfect. Looks wise she is absolutely stunning and people tell come up to her & her that every time we are on a date (we live in LA where there is a lot of beauty but she still stands out) But what is even better is that besides the fact that she is gorgeous, she is smart, has a heart as she loves her job helping families as they cope with mental illness. She also has a great personality and is always joking & smiling.

 

A few weeks into us seeing each other, I started getting a little annoyed at all the attention she gets even when I'm with her. I can't imagine what she goes through when she's alone or out with friends. One guy took it upon himself to knock on the window of the restaurant and blow her a kiss while we were out at dinner and another time a bartender of a wine bar I took her to was giving her free drinks, even though it was obvious we were on a date. She never even did anything to provoke this behavior either. I have never seen anything like it. I'm wondering if it has something to do with the fact that she is black and I am white-I don't know. The guys that are hitting on her are white and Hispanic, so maybe they think they have more to offer than I do...? But interracial dating is pretty normal here so I don't know if that's it either. I'm successful and I would say that I am good looking so I don't know why I was feeling threatened.

 

So it comes to this weekend. Her birthday. I want to take her out to a fancy restaurant; one I recall her saying was her favorite. It turns out it was not her favorite (this becomes relevant later). I invite my friends and their gfs. We are at my place hanging out and she's getting to know the other gfs as the guys and I talk in the kitchen. One of my friends continues to go on and on about how beautiful she is and wishes he weren't taken so he could have a chance. On the outside I played cool but on the inside I was irate. I stayed irate for the whole evening, eventually taking it out on her.

 

We are at dinner, she is having a nice time and my friends are loving her. Then we bring up the restaurant and she makes a joke in a very sweet manner saying it wasn't really her favorite restaurant and I got her mixed up with someone else. Then she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Everyone laughed but I became defensive and irritated (as I was already irritated) and before I was done thinking I told her she was ungrateful and rude and that she is selfish and spoiled and that I was only dating her because she was a rebound and that if she didn't appreciate what I was doing for her I could gladly go back to my ex who looked way better than her. I will never forget the look on her face. The whole table fell silent and she literally looked like she wanted to cry. She barely spoke the rest of the night.

 

In the uber she wouldn't even look at me and I swear she was crying. It was dark so I'm not exactly sure. We got back to my place, she still looked teary eyed and she took her bag as she was supposed to stay over, packed it up and told me "thanks for dinner" and quietly left. She didn't even scream at me like I deserved, which makes me respect her more. She's so classy.

 

I haven't talked to her since only because I froze. I don't even know where to start. What do I say? What do I do? My friends told me it's a lost cause and to move on. I don't want to. Any ideas on how to get her back?

 

I am 38 and she is 33.

 

I doubt that there is one woman on these boards who would even try to give you advice about getting her back. That made me cry.

 

I recommend that you stay very far away from her. What you said was abusive and almost frightening because it shows a complete lack of ability to control thoughts and emotions and completely disrespectful to her and your friends.

 

You said you were "already irritated" . . . why?

[IWasWrong]

I was irritated because my friend was talking about how he would try to date her if he were single. Do you think if I just explained this all to her she might give me another chance?

[kmack513]

Yeah you messed that up really bad. Man I have never dressed a girl down like that, especially in front of other people. IDK what else to say.

[smackie9]

I agree...you do need to take a good look at yourself and possibly get some help.....that was way too abusive in the most frightening way....

[Satu]

Do the right thing by hiding your face from her.

 

Keep away from her.

 

Then get into therapy to tame that beast you see in the mirror.

 

 

Seriously.

[salparadise]

Yea, that was bad. I feel sad for both of you. It must've been awful for her to have been humiliated like that in front of everyone, and by someone she presumably cared for and thought cared about her.

 

And for you because you shot yourself in the foot by misdirecting the anger and jealousy that was eating you up. You need to figure out why you have such anger issues. I'm guessing there's something in your past that causes such intense feelings. You're likely to keep on sabotaging yourself until you figure it out.

[IWasWrong]

ok. I guess. However, she deserves an apology and she deserves to know its not her fault. Should I just send a text?

[smackie9]

I was irritated because my friend was talking about how he would try to date her if he were single. Do you think if I just explained this all to her she might give me another chance?

You have absolutely no remorse of empathy....you torn this poor woman apart and all you can think of is you trying to get her back??? Your explanation will make you look like the mad man you are even more.

[IWasWrong]

You have absolutely no remorse of empathy....you torn this poor woman apart and all you can think of is you trying to get her back??? Your explanation will make you look like the mad man you are even more.

 

I do. I haven't slept since. I even cried a little. I was teary eyed writing the post just thinking of her face and how she couldn't even look at me. I felt like I was trapped in my own body. I froze. I didn't even know how to begin to make it right. I didn't want her to leave but I certainly don't blame her one bit.

[mikeylo]

I was irritated because my friend was talking about how he would try to date her if he were single. Do you think if I just explained this all to her she might give me another chance?

 

You tell her that you are insecure about her. Tell her that she is so pretty/ beautiful that you are always scared that some other guy is going to steal her away from you. The way your insecurity came , was wrong but the fear of losing her is real.

 

If you accept your real insecurity, you might get a shot. Don't make it about your friend. Friends always joke but your reaction that directed towards her completely off.

[rester]

We are at dinner, she is having a nice time and my friends are loving her. Then we bring up the restaurant and she makes a joke in a very sweet manner saying it wasn't really her favorite restaurant and I got her mixed up with someone else. Then she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Everyone laughed but I became defensive and irritated (as I was already irritated) and before I was done thinking I told her she was ungrateful and rude and that she is selfish and spoiled and that I was only dating her because she was a rebound and that if she didn't appreciate what I was doing for her I could gladly go back to my ex who looked way better than her. I will never forget the look on her face. The whole table fell silent and she literally looked like she wanted to cry. She barely spoke the rest of the night.

 

Wow that must have been humiliating for her. I don't think you can come back from that one.

 

What have your friends said about this?

 

I would focus on preserving your friendships first. She's a lost cause at this point but your friendships may be on the line, too.

[Redhead14]

I was irritated because my friend was talking about how he would try to date her if he were single. Do you think if I just explained this all to her she might give me another chance?

 

Not in a million years . . . if she has a brain . . . she will see it for what it is -- an impulse control issue. That is not something you want to see on a resume when looking for a suitable relationship candidate. You are 38 years old, physically, you are not a child. Emotionally, it appears you have not grown into your body. I am finding it very difficult to believe that this was some kind of one time blip.

 

When a woman gets verbally abused by a man she dating just one time, she should assume that it can and will happen again and she should not wait around to see if it will. She must assume it will as a matter of self-protection. Verbal abuse often escalates to physical abuse.

[Satu]

ok. I guess. However, she deserves an apology and she deserves to know its not her fault. *Should I just send a text?

 

*No.

 

There's no way back from what you did.

[IWasWrong]

So you guys don't think I should even apologize? My apology will definitely be sincere and I will mention nothing about seeing her again. I just don't want her to think she did something wrong. It wasn't her at all.

[kmack513]

ok. I guess. However, she deserves an apology and she deserves to know its not her fault. Should I just send a text?

 

Dude if a girl did that to me in a restaurant, not only would I leave immediately, no way I am taking an uber with you, and no way am I ever going to talk to you again. []

Edited October 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~6

[Redhead14]

So you guys don't think I should even apologize? My apology will definitely be sincere and I will mention nothing about seeing her again. I just don't want her to think she did something wrong. It wasn't her at all.

 

It wasn't her at all. -- You can't possibly think that she's thinking she did anything wrong??? She doesn't need consoling or reassurance from you. She sounds to be very mature and composed. The only thing I think she did wrong was get into that Uber with you. Actually, she could/should have walked out of the restaurant right then and there. I think she maintained her composure for the sake of the rest of the people there.

 

Don't disrespect her anymore. An apology is moot in this case because it's inexcusable.

[IWasWrong]

[]

 

And ehh, she probably got in the uber with me bc all of her belongings were at my place and she wouldn't be able to go home if I wasn't there to let her into my apartment to get her things. That is the only reason I can think of.

 

I am just going to text her a sincere apology and try to let it go.

 

Thanks

Edited October 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted response to off topic content ~6

[Mrin]

Anyone else want to just go give this woman a hug? I really feel for her thinking about that situation.

[IfonlyIknew]

She's owed a major apology. If you don't say anything you'll look even worse, at least an apology shows you are human.

[josi334]

I would not apologize over text. I would call her and leave a voicemail if she does not pick up, which I believe she wont, or send flowers with an apology card!

[IWasWrong]

Well I did send her an apology text. I thought about a voicemail but I just wanted to make sure I said all I had to say and didn't get nervous and forget anything. It shows she read it but she hasn't responded. I expected that.