fastandfurious Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 Here I am in second chances. My long-distance man needed a "break" on June 13th. We were talking of me moving to be near him when things crashed. I held strong with no contact and he finally called 16 days later sounding sad. I wrote him a letter telling him I wished him all the best. He emailed and I replied I wasn't ready to talk, needed to think things over, etc. Well, I broke July 5th and called him. We talked for over an hour and a half. He said he thought he was having a nervous breakdown and that I was always sweet, supportive and kind and that he feels like he took that for granted. He said he has not dated. He asked me to be his date on July 22nd to attend a friend's party. Party from 6-9 pm and then what? Here's a sample email from a few days later: ------------------- Dear XXX, I am doing a lot better since we have talked and I am looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks. I would like to open up some more to you and talk about how I feel and what we have together. My feelings are mixed up at times and I want to tell you all my thoughts, however they seem to be compiled of lust and sex. I don't know if this is right to say and I think about how this may just confuse our situation. I enjoy talking to you and I care about you soo much-this is a good thing and I will try to put down any walls to make me happy and explain how I feel inside. I hope you have a great day and I will talk to you soon. Love, XXX ------- Then there is stupid me, letting my sexual urges get the best of me: ------- Dear XXX, It was nice to receive your message and I'm looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks as well. I am willing to be patient and wait for you to tell me what is on your mind when you are ready. My feelings about the distance can be mixed up sometimes but I never feel doubt that we have a good thing together. I understand about the lust and it just doesn't seem to fade away. It is just hard to keep my mind from racing when I think about you touching me, being with me, feeling you - I ache for you. I know we have a passion for each other that surprises us both but I always loved that about us. Do you think lasting lust is an infatuation or a sign of a deeper connection? I know for me, as a woman, passion and sex require deep trust. Call me when you have a chance, Love, XXX ------- Now the tricky part-our sex life has always been hot, off the charts, beyond reason, on fire!!! He calls me every day now and it is all about lust. He wants me, wants to talk dirty, wants to see me again. Of course we do have nice talks but it always winds up with him whispering naughty, provocative things. He says he is stunned because the sound of my voice makes him ha** every time. He said he has never felt so free to be open with his sexuality than with me and it is making him crazy. He says he doesn't think he will be able to keep his hands off me. He wants me to go back to his house after the party and "make love to me, and f*** me all night". I am nervous. I want him too, whoo boy, do I. But if we jump back into a hot sexual relationship, where does this leave me after? I am trying to fight off the romantic notions and future fantasies and just try and treat this like a great sex romp. I want to be like a man and turn off my emotions but I can't cause I'm all girl. By the way, I am still waiting for him to "open up some more to you and talk about how I feel and what we have together". Yikes, 11 days to go!
ButtonPusher Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 The guys just horny because he hasnt had any action for almost a month. Be cautious, and keep your pants on
Author fastandfurious Posted July 11, 2005 Author Posted July 11, 2005 Oh bummer - no sex for me? What if he "talks" about his feelings in the next 11 days? I have to admit that deep down I am still a little pissed at him. I don't want to be a tease however, I want to feel empowered enough to have sex when I want it and I want it. I also like the fact that he does desire me. Maybe part of me wants to be in control here. Is this wrong?
sanne Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 as a guy i think i may know what's going on here. when a man is deprived of sex for a month or longer, crazy things start to happen. i think he's just telling you what you want to hear so that he can get you into bed. i honestly am not sure he has any romantic intentions whatsoever, i'm sorry. the wise advice here would be to not sleep with him and see how he treats you.
blackendangel13 Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 Personally in my experience with "reconciliation sex" I think this is a bad idea. You are going to get hurt. I have been in this boat before because my ex and I had amazing sex. This made it easier for me to sweep other things under the rug but in the end it wasn't enough. Once you go down this road be prepared for the "thanks that was fun" ackward goodbye that will come after he's put his pants back on and leaves you feeling used.
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 Don't. Using sex to get love is so not gonna work on a guy.
Author fastandfurious Posted July 11, 2005 Author Posted July 11, 2005 Okay, guys-give me a straight answer about this: If you were trying to win back your girl and she wanted to discuss your motivations behind your sexual desire for her, how would you feel? Wouldn't that hurt you to hear that she was thinking you only wanted her for sex? Would it make you mad? Would it turn you off completely?
blackendangel13 Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 Of course we do have nice talks but it always winds up with him whispering naughty, provocative things. Well you can't help but wonder what he is after if this is the norm. By the way, I am still waiting for him to "open up some more to you and talk about how I feel and what we have together". He seems more than comfortable to talk about sex but nothing else. It does make you wonder what he is after. We are not saying call him out on it. Just keep your pants on and tell him that having sex with him is a big step and you are not ready for it. If he is after more, than he will understand.
clynn Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 maybe before you even go meeting up with him for the visit you should have a talk about the "other stuff" that is not sex related. I would wanna have that on the table before you make the trip. Why did you break up? Who broke up with whom?
Author fastandfurious Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 So he called at 9:00pm tonight while I was sleeping. Then again at 9:51pm. Good thing was I didn't pick up either call. I just want to believe in my heart that its not all about sex but my gut tells me its the glue that holds LDR lovers together. He wanted a "break" but it did feel like a break-up to me. He was feeling panicky about our long distance becoming short distance. I think he was shocked I didn't persue/chase him and wouldn't reciprocate initially when he finally did. He also knows I have nixed all plans about moving now because the timing is off and I received a promotion at work. I'm quite appealing now that I am not becoming a real true-life girlfriend huh? I agree that we need to have it out on the table (not sex talk-maybe I'll let him lead but steer it gently in the right direction) before the trip happens. Thinking of waiting until tomorrow evening to return his call so that I can get my thoughts together properly. I have been through an emotional spin cycle the past month and want to end all my confusion about things and get a firmer answer on where this is all headed. If he still can't open up in a more emotional or intimate way then I'll have my answer after all. I'd never use sex to make a man love me. But I do so love this man. Sigh. Think I'll go have a good cry.
shygurl Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Hate to say this but this is how I see it. This is a guy who loved the convenience of an LDR - it's exciting, he gets his "space", gets great lustful passionate sex when you 2 do get together (because you haven't seen each other in a while), and he gets his freedom to do what he wants, no real strings there. But you were going to make the LDR into a real relationship by relocating to be closer to him. Yikes! That's going to ruin his fun and freedom........so he put the brakes on, the whole "I need a break" speech. Well so now after this, you changed your plans.......you put a stop to relocating, you won't be now, you've got a promotion that will be keeping you where you're at............so he's sighing a sigh of relief..........this LDR can carry on.................and hey, you already said the sex was awesome so this is perfect for him. Because you didn't dump him for this "break" crap, he figures you're a pushover and that you want him so badly..............so his true colors are coming through: it's all about sex for him..........sorry, that's the long and the short of it. That's all he can talk about, nothing more substantial or meaningful. He likely feels like a kid on Christmas morning. He's got a girl at arm's length who he doesn't have to have a "real" serious relationship with, but can get together from time to time to have hot sex, no real commitment, nothing more substantial.................and you're okay with it. Sorry but he's using you. What age is he? Did you by any chance meet him through the Internet Personals/Dating Site? How long have you 2 been "seeing" each other?
Author fastandfurious Posted July 12, 2005 Author Posted July 12, 2005 Hey shygurl, So true. It hurts so much to read those words but it is so true. The part that breaks my heart is that I have known him twenty years. We are both 34 and have always been best friends. He was the first man I became intimate with after my husband passed away. We have been LDR for 10 months. He talked about marriage, kids, family, future. All of it. Why did I let him back in the door? I was so close to slamming it on him.
shygurl Posted July 12, 2005 Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by fastandfurious Hey shygurl, So true. It hurts so much to read those words but it is so true. The part that breaks my heart is that I have known him twenty years. We are both 34 and have always been best friends. He was the first man I became intimate with after my husband passed away. We have been LDR for 10 months. He talked about marriage, kids, family, future. All of it. Why did I let him back in the door? I was so close to slamming it on him. I'm so very sorry to have spelled out what I think is going on - deep down I think you already knew all this but were dearly hoping this wasn't all the case. I kind of had a similar experience. I dated a guy for several months and as time passed I realized he was quite immature, very self-absorbed, not really on the same page in terms of morals/values/goals/etc...........so I broke up with him but it was also kind of mutual because I think he just wanted someone fun for good sex. After a couple of months passed, I did miss him......he WAS fun to hang out with, he made me laugh like nobody ever had, there were good memories...........so we decided to just be friends and I was truly fine with that.........he just wasn't the kind of guy I would want a future with. But being friends couldn't be because any time we'd talk on the phone, he always got so perverted and crude and kept talking about how great sex had been, the killer BJ I'd given him, bla bla. I kept telling him that it just wasn't appropriate for "friends" to talk about this kind of stuff, I wasn't up for it. To make a long story short, all he wanted from me was sex (friends with benefits) and not really a genuine friendship. I finally had to tell him to leave me alone, he was not worthy of my friendship......and that was that. To him I was just someone to score with, a piece of meat. I couldn't handle that. You deserve a man who will love you genuinely - who will treat you like gold. Who will want a REAL relationship with you, not just the convenience of a LDR. You deserve a guy who will have more to talk about than his hornyness.............you deserve someone who is true and honest with you, who will not use you for great sex. Sure, maybe he's confused but considering you've known him for sooooooooooooooo many years, and you've had this LDR for 10 months - well, I had the impression that maybe you 2 had met maybe a couple of months ago or something.........but you have quite a history together and this is all he can offer you? You deserve more. You are more than just a piece of meat and good hot monkey sex. Yes, sex in a relationship is great and important but that's got to be only one component of it. I think it was very very telling that he backed off big time when you wanted to relocate...............that says it all. Let him go. Tell him that you've got a lengthy history here, he should know by now what he wants and if he truly wanted you, he'd have been thrilled that you were going to relocate, but he wasn't - he got cold feet and needed a break........but now he's just got sex on the brain and nothing more substantial and you deserve more from a man than that. You're not about to be used. You want a man who wants you for more than sex - you deserve a man who wants you for your personality, your intelligence, your kindness, your friendship, your companionship, etc. I'm so sorry but I think you need to let this turkey go.
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