stillafool Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 : Charity, your picker is straight broken. For whatever reason you chase the very worst guys. It's not bad luck, it's not the universe, it's your poor choices. I think her problem is she gets caught up in the way they look.
strawberryshortstack Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 I'm not spending a cent. And you all assume I'm going to jail. No one is going to jail here. I know someone who married a guy for papers and although they are separated now there were no legal repercussions. This is not a guarantee that there won't be for you. Every situation is different. No man is worth throwing your life away for. And even if you don't get caught, are you really going to be happy in a sham of a marriage?
strawberryshortstack Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Yes we sleep together all the time. And he's ridiculously good looking. It's hard to want to let that go. And yeah it seems red flag after red flag pops up. It's hard to ignore. He says he's consulting an immigration lawyer but I told him all we do now is fight. He says it will get better once we move in together. It won't. Trust me, it won't.
Redhead14 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 And yeah it seems red flag after red flag pops up. It's hard to ignore. -- And, yet, you are ignoring and rationalizing and deluding yourself. Your thread history is a serious of train wrecks. Get off the train. 1
Author SweetCharity Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 I think her problem is she gets caught up in the way they look. Not always. I used to be in love with a hobbit. And even though my current is attractive to a point that is almost supernatural I didn't fall for him at first. It just sort of happened.
Author SweetCharity Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 And yeah it seems red flag after red flag pops up. It's hard to ignore. -- And, yet, you are ignoring and rationalizing and deluding yourself. Your thread history is a serious of train wrecks. Get off the train. HOW? Even when I take it slow or cease to look for these men they always find me. I could meet the nicest guy then later find out he's actually a scum bag. How is it possible I attract so much crap?
Redhead14 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Not always. I used to be in love with a hobbit. And even though my current is attractive to a point that is almost supernatural I didn't fall for him at first. It just sort of happened. It's not the looks, its the fact that they show even the least bit of attention. 2
Author SweetCharity Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 :lmao::lmao: That's like saying a bad sex life will heat up if you get married. Charity, your picker is straight broken. For whatever reason you chase the very worst guys. It's not bad luck, it's not the universe, it's your poor choices. Until you improve yourself, your mental well being, you will continue to invite users, losers and dirt bags into your life. This guy doesn't love you, heck, he doesn't even like you. He called you boring, and he has zero respect for you. He does think you will be easy to manipulate and use - and so far you have been proving him correct. Don't let this con artist ruin your life. Don't CHOOSE that. Have you been talking about this in your therapy sessions? What does your counselor have to say about this relationship? Yes and she's more of a "decide on your own" kind of therapist.
Author SweetCharity Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 And, please don't use depression as an excuse for making poor decisions. Depression is a serious and debilitating condition. I will grant that and it does make thinking more difficult, etc. It does not, however, explain, support or excuse a departure from the ability to use reason, common sense and make sound decisions. That would be another diagnosis. I'm aware. I've had depression my whole life.
Redhead14 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 I'm aware. I've had depression my whole life. And, you will continue to be depressed for the rest of your life if you don't stop compounding it and doing things that sabotage your life. 1
strawberryshortstack Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 HOW? Even when I take it slow or cease to look for these men they always find me. I could meet the nicest guy then later find out he's actually a scum bag. How is it possible I attract so much crap? How? You learn to say "NO".
RecentChange Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 HOW? Even when I take it slow or cease to look for these men they always find me. I could meet the nicest guy then later find out he's actually a scum bag. How is it possible I attract so much crap? Because they are like moths to a flame. And like I said, your picker is off. You don't meet the nicest guy, then discover he is a scum bag. You meet a scum bag and mistake him for a nice guy. He was always the same person, you just for whatever reason fail to see, or acknowledge all the red flags. Plus low self-esteem / self worth etc make you a target for users and losers. If you had a better self image, if you thought you deserved better you would never entertain their advances. But instead you fall for it time and again. This guy has straight told you to your face he wants to use you, and you are very seriously considering it! People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. 7
Redhead14 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 HOW? Even when I take it slow or cease to look for these men they always find me. I could meet the nicest guy then later find out he's actually a scum bag. How is it possible I attract so much crap? Stop dating and focus on you and other things so that you can step back from all you've experienced and see "into" it and learn from those experiences. Really think about those other men and what you decided to overlook early on, etc. so that you can identify those things early and be able screen better. But, more importantly, you have to create boundaries for yourself and enforce them. How is it possible I attract so much crap? -- Because that is how you feel about yourself. People/men can sense when a woman doesn't love herself and open to/wanting/needing attention and validation and doesn't have or enforce boundaries. It comes across in ways you don't even realize. 1
hippychick3 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 HOW? Even when I take it slow or cease to look for these men they always find me. I could meet the nicest guy then later find out he's actually a scum bag. How is it possible I attract so much crap? Because your self-esteem is in the dumps. And we know it's in the dumps because a person who has self-esteem and loves herself would NEVER even slightly consider dating this d*****bag, let alone marrying him. Believe me, once you work on your self-esteem (I sincerely hope you do), you will NOT attract so much crap. You attract people who treat you and view you the same way you treat and view yourself. 1
BaileyB Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 People will treat you how you teach them to treat you. If you allow men to use you, they will. And, it will be like a moth to a flame... They will find you everytime because they will sense your vulnerability and neediness. You need to not be dating for a while... Go to therapy. Get your life together and build your confidence. And, if you are picking guys because they are good looking and you like sleeping with them... Well, that is a strategy but don't look for a successful long term relationship that way. There are SO MANY other, more important things to look for when choosing a relationship partner. Stay with this man at your own peril, don't say that you were not warned that it was self destructive to stay with a man who is clearly, clearly using you... The fact that you fail to see and understand that - and reject him for that reason - is a really, really big problem for you!
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Yes and she's more of a "decide on your own" kind of therapist. Of course your therapist won't decide for you but she should teach you how to make a list of pros and cons, she should teach you how to make sound decision, she should teach you to analyze your own thought process that always lead you to self-destructive decisions. Change therapist. 3
Fruitee Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 What you need to do is to dumb this dude and all other toxic people from your life. Concentrate on yourself. Work. Educate yourself. Think of one thing you have always wanted to do. Start doing that. Run. Do yoga. Learn how to cook. Nit. Watch netflix. Dance. Read. Go to trips. Travel. Pamper yourself. Buy some clothes. Clean your place. Take good care of yourself. Stop caring about other people. Fill your up coming year with self love and compassion. Talk to your friends. Go to therapy. Write. Repeat all of these. Then when you feel like you have your mental, physical and emotional life in order. Check yourself again. Repeat all things above. Then you go out and start dating. It will be long, painful journey. You will cry. You will be weak. You will be craving for attention and sex and men. But you will be strong. And then eventually you will radiate all good things and a real good guy will walk into your life. And even if you will be forever alone. You wont die. Because you have yourself. You have dignity. Self respect. Self love. And you wont let any man treat you poorly. Ever again. Since you shall know your worth. Take this journey or you continue as you have been doing so far and wake up 10 years from now sad, lonely, broke and still depressed. 2
Author SweetCharity Posted December 29, 2016 Author Posted December 29, 2016 Thanks for the overwhelming responses. I've decided not to marry him. Now I just have to break it to him. 2
Author SweetCharity Posted December 29, 2016 Author Posted December 29, 2016 What you need to do is to dumb this dude and all other toxic people from your life. Concentrate on yourself. Work. Educate yourself. Think of one thing you have always wanted to do. Start doing that. Run. Do yoga. Learn how to cook. Nit. Watch netflix. Dance. Read. Go to trips. Travel. Pamper yourself. Buy some clothes. Clean your place. Take good care of yourself. Stop caring about other people. Fill your up coming year with self love and compassion. Talk to your friends. Go to therapy. Write. Repeat all of these. Then when you feel like you have your mental, physical and emotional life in order. Check yourself again. Repeat all things above. Then you go out and start dating. It will be long, painful journey. You will cry. You will be weak. You will be craving for attention and sex and men. But you will be strong. And then eventually you will radiate all good things and a real good guy will walk into your life. And even if you will be forever alone. You wont die. Because you have yourself. You have dignity. Self respect. Self love. And you wont let any man treat you poorly. Ever again. Since you shall know your worth. Take this journey or you continue as you have been doing so far and wake up 10 years from now sad, lonely, broke and still depressed. I'm just afraid I'll never make myself right. And having someone to love who loves me is all I've ever wanted. Yes, I have dreams and am self sufficient but I don't want to be alone forever. What is the point of life then if there is no love? :/
TheTraveler Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 Good ole south florida. Where everyone is on the hunt for green cards:laugh: 1
travelbug1996 Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 I'm just afraid I'll never make myself right. And having someone to love who loves me is all I've ever wanted. Yes, I have dreams and am self sufficient but I don't want to be alone forever. What is the point of life then if there is no love? :/ Love yourself;);) 3
Fruitee Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 I'm just afraid I'll never make myself right. And having someone to love who loves me is all I've ever wanted. Yes, I have dreams and am self sufficient but I don't want to be alone forever. What is the point of life then if there is no love? :/ You will be afraid so many times more. But the key to that is NEVER LOSE HOPE! As long as you are BREATHING there is CHANCE! You dont know the future. You dont know what's gonna happen. Imagine this: You marry this dude looking for papers and then next day he pisses off and you meet in a local coffee shop the most amazing man and you two fell in love. Or you dont marry this dude and then the next day of your supposed wedding that you luckily didnt have you will meet this awesome man. Which way do you wish to meet this dude? Burden with your fake marriage or free and joyful? The thing with life is you never know what's gonna happen. Something you can influence on but rest of it is just life. Things happen, **** happen, good things come your way, bad things you will forget. That's the way it is. No one wants to be alone. But what you have now is not love and you will be alone. That's for sure. When you look around you you can see that world is full of love. Be part of that. Not part of some scam and fake marriage to dude who couldnt give a **** about you. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 I'm just afraid I'll never make myself right. And having someone to love who loves me is all I've ever wanted. Yes, I have dreams and am self sufficient but I don't want to be alone forever. What is the point of life then if there is no love? :/ Having someone in your life shouldn't be what makes you happy. Having a partner should only enhance/add to the happiness you already have. Work on finding other things that make you happy. Interests, hobbies, career, friends, family. You are confusing love with validation. Just because you don't have a partner, you feel as though you aren't complete or that something is wrong with you. There isn't anything wrong with you. You need to love yourself. Be good to yourself and get out of your head. I'm betting you do a ton of negative thinking and dwelling. I don't want to be alone forever -- I would rather be alone than with someone who is wrong for me, that I settled for, that doesn't fulfill my needs, etc. When you are with the wrong person, you feel alone anyway. And, that's much worse. It becomes an albatross around your neck. Do things for yourself -- buy yourself something you've always wanted. Go someplace you've always wanted to go. Change your surroundings -- redecorate -- get new curtains, new throw pillows, bedspread, rearrange. Put fresh flowers on the table now and again. Try new things -- anything and everything. I love photography. I belong to a camera club. We go on field trips, learn tips from each other, have parties, etc. I have lots of friends there. Little things mean a lot and can be uplifting. You need to get busy with your life and live it so you aren't inside your own head all the time. Break that cycle of negativity. 3
BaileyB Posted December 29, 2016 Posted December 29, 2016 Having someone in your life shouldn't be what makes you happy. Having a partner should only enhance/add to the happiness you already have. Work on finding other things that make you happy. Interests, hobbies, career, friends, family. You are confusing love with validation. Just because you don't have a partner, you feel as though you aren't complete or that something is wrong with you. There isn't anything wrong with you. You need to love yourself. Be good to yourself and get out of your head. I'm betting you do a ton of negative thinking and dwelling. I don't want to be alone forever -- I would rather be alone than with someone who is wrong for me, that I settled for, that doesn't fulfill my needs, etc. When you are with the wrong person, you feel alone anyway. And, that's much worse. It becomes an albatross around your neck. Do things for yourself -- buy yourself something you've always wanted. Go someplace you've always wanted to go. Change your surroundings -- redecorate -- get new curtains, new throw pillows, bedspread, rearrange. Put fresh flowers on the table now and again. Try new things -- anything and everything. I love photography. I belong to a camera club. We go on field trips, learn tips from each other, have parties, etc. I have lots of friends there. Little things mean a lot and can be uplifting. You need to get busy with your life and live it so you aren't inside your own head all the time. Break that cycle of negativity. Requoted to say, this is the best advice anyone could give you. Read it, reread it, and read it again... You need to learn to love yourself and stand on your own two feet. Until you do, you will not find a healthy relationship because you will not be a healthy partner. Having a partner in life definitely does not bring you happiness... It can only make an already happy life better. If you are unhappy in your life, having a relationship will not change that. The only person who can make you happy, is you. However, being in the wrong relationship will bring you nothing but grief and unhappiness. Don't underestimate that! It is FAR BETTER to be happy alone, than in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship.
Author SweetCharity Posted December 30, 2016 Author Posted December 30, 2016 Requoted to say, this is the best advice anyone could give you. Read it, reread it, and read it again... You need to learn to love yourself and stand on your own two feet. Until you do, you will not find a healthy relationship because you will not be a healthy partner. Having a partner in life definitely does not bring you happiness... It can only make an already happy life better. If you are unhappy in your life, having a relationship will not change that. The only person who can make you happy, is you. However, being in the wrong relationship will bring you nothing but grief and unhappiness. Don't underestimate that! It is FAR BETTER to be happy alone, than in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship. I know it is. I always struggle with letting go.
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