travelbug1996 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 "but I'm also lonely and tired of dating. I can't help but feel this is the best I can do." That part^^^ Please take some time for yourself. You are lonely and making bad decisions and its only gonna get worse until you deal with the loneliness. Best wishes. 2
BaileyB Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 He's told you what he wants from you. He's using you to get his papers. Period. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. If you think this is the best you can do, you REALLY need to raise your standards. I would rather live alone for the rest of my life than to be used by a man - and make no mistake about it, he will use and abuse you.
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 "but I'm also lonely and tired of dating. I can't help but feel this is the best I can do." And the thing is once he gets his papers he won't stay. She will be married and legally responsible for a stranger and still be alone ! 1
Popsicle Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 You're tired of dating, but how is this any different? This is not what you're looking for either, but at least the other guys you'd be dating are citizens not looking for a green card.
Author SweetCharity Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 You're tired of dating, but how is this any different? This is not what you're looking for either, but at least the other guys you'd be dating are citizens not looking for a green card. The other guys I've dated haven't been exactly great either. If you look at my posts you'll see I have a horrendous dating history. :/
Author SweetCharity Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 Lastly, because I've been infatuated with at least one guy who I'm sure was at least attracted to me in the beginning, I do want to say that I think he IS attracted / interested in you or at least WAS --- but it's just not the same as wanting to continue in a relationship with you. Attraction, interest.. those things can fizzle so fast. Don't let his initial attraction and interest cloud your judgment on the actual present and your future. You had good times. Doesn't mean he's good for you here on out. Sorry for getting on a soap box and typing so much. Hopefully you find this helpful in some way. I asked him what happened to his initial attraction to me and he said I used to be full of fire. Now I'm just "tired and boring". And that all I do is complain instead of changing things. I tried to explain to him what depression was and that I was working on it but it's like he couldn't fathom the concept.
Author SweetCharity Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 what he is asking you to do is illegal. not to mention he's using you and ordering you around is another red flag. he wants to tell you that you can't drink and tell you how and when he will spend money. and he's not going to spend money on you!! once you are married he can go into debt, take out credit cards, buy a car, rent an apartment and/or clean out your bank account and there is not much you can do about it. well there is something you can do, you'll have to pay it back after he gets that green card and takes a powder. he's robbing you of a real life and a real marriage and you're letting him! it's no wonder you feel depressed, like this is the best you can do, he's made sure of it! you're family is against it and soon he'll put a stop to you seeing them, ever. he's already lying about still being on tinder. probably looking for someone stupid to marry for a green card, wait. i'd report him to homeland security and have him deported. I know it's illegal. My family has actually threatened to deport him.
travelbug1996 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 The other guys I've dated haven't been exactly great either. If you look at my posts you'll see I have a horrendous dating history. :/ Which is the reason why we have to learn to deal with our loneliness. Myself included.
Author SweetCharity Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 Don't be one of those naive women. He only wants to use you and don't kid yourself once you are married with him he'll bail and you won't know where he is and you'll be financially responsible for him for something like 5 years. Where is he from? I know a friend of a friend who got caught in that game. Only 3 weeks after marrying him he disappeared. Now she is financially responsible for him for 5 years. She has to refund the government for all the well-fair he applied for. She is in debt for about 40K. He's from Kazakhstan.
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 He's from Kazakhstan. How much money you are ready to spend on this? How much do you wish to have a criminal record for this man?
Author SweetCharity Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 How much money you are ready to spend on this? How much do you wish to have a criminal record for this man? I'm not spending a cent. And you all assume I'm going to jail. No one is going to jail here. I know someone who married a guy for papers and although they are separated now there were no legal repercussions.
Author SweetCharity Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 Which is the reason why we have to learn to deal with our loneliness. Myself included. I'm working on it and going to therapy twice a week. But progress is slow. I still find myself sleeping more often than I should because I can't take the loneliness.
Versacehottie Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 sounds like he is fully using you. my advice would be to get yourself feeling better and not depressed--you won't find your depression going away if you lock this guy down. Even a guy with more sincere intentions is not a substitute for a problem you need to deal with on your own. Being the best you and in a healthy place will bring you much better dating options. Still you need to find a way to be OK with yourself and have coping mechanisms that are good for you. You cannot get what you need from another person (short-lived maybe yes, long-term no). Good luck 1
Zahara Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 (edited) I'm working on it and going to therapy twice a week. But progress is slow. I still find myself sleeping more often than I should because I can't take the loneliness. No amount of therapy is going to work for as long you keep choosing and staying with emotionally unavailable men, and that's all you're going to be attracting to keep filling your voids. The only way to out is to suffer and embrace the pain. You're staying in bad situations for fear of facing that pain. Your therapy is like chugging alcohol each and every day and going to AA twice a week. It's counter-productive. Edited December 28, 2016 by Zahara
GemmaUK Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 You are so not strong enough to deal with any legal repercussions of an illegal marriage just for papers. Maybe your friend hasn't been caught but you might be. Are you OK with going to jail? It's a real chance that you will if you can't hold up to pressure in court if you are discovered. He doesn't love you. He just wants his papers.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 OP, I don't think you have a clue about the legwork involved in sponsoring someone to immigrate. Have you consulted an immigration lawyer? And if you think there's no chance you could wind up in trouble for this just because one of your friends didn't, you are sorely mistaken. Look into cases of marriage fraud in which the couple was caught. Ask yourself if that sounds like fun. Do you really believe your government isn't going to push for a thorough investigation of your relationship with a random student from Kazakhstan? It is going to raise some red flags based on his nationality alone, biased as that sounds. Are you prepared to expose your personal life and your financial history to Immigration so they can satisfy themselves that this is a sound relationship? It sounds like there is a lot you don't know about him, which will make approval for a visa very unlikely. They'll spot your naivety and lack of knowledge immediately, and draw the same conclusion that everyone else is: he is only hanging around you to get papers. If you are foolish enough to marry him, don't be at all surprised when he doesn't change and cheats on you, or worse, disappears. Do you understand that you will be on the hook for a while if he takes off after you are married? He isn't with you because he likes you. He doesn't, and he's made that clear. Heck, he's still seeing others (hence his Tinder) That's not going to change just because you sign a document legally binding yourself to him. In fact, it will probably get worse because he knows that getting out of a marriage isn't so easy, so he will do whatever he wants and stop making any effort at all. He knows you won't do anything about it so he has all the power to do what he wants. Please listen to your family. You don't have any self-esteem or insight into this, but they sure do and they are trying to protect you. Marrying him would be stupid. Yes, stupid. You don't sound like a stupid woman, just lonely and desperate. But girl, please don't do this to yourself. You will regret it for a very long time if you do. The chance of this being approved is quite slim anyway, but you need to think of what your future really looks like if you sign yourself over to him. It will suck. Are you two sleeping together currently? 1
Redhead14 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 I'm not spending a cent. And you all assume I'm going to jail. No one is going to jail here. I know someone who married a guy for papers and although they are separated now there were no legal repercussions. there were no legal repercussions - YET This is not about someone else's situation that may or may not have been addressed by the legal system and I doubt very much if you know all the details and circumstances for that situation. People don't always tell the whole story. And, that person you know was an idiot. This is about RISK taking. The risk far outweighs the benefits for you. The cure for loneliness is not just latching on to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention. The cure for loneliness is getting/creating a rich, full, busy life for yourself -- hobbies, interests, friends, family. Get a dog if you have to. Think about the future and the ramifications/consequences for jumping into things for immediate gratification. Yeah, you might be content for a little while if you marry someone, but with your history and set of "issues", it will be very short-lived and the pain will be far greater than the temporary high you would get from continuing to see this guy or anyone at the moment. 2
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 I'm not spending a cent. And you all assume I'm going to jail. No one is going to jail here. I know someone who married a guy for papers and although they are separated now there were no legal repercussions. And I know someone that married a guy and got him his papers and 3 weeks later he disappeared. It cost her big money to divorce him and even divorced she is still financially responsible for him. If in 2 years he decides he needs welfare she will have to refund the government, and the government won't ask her if she wants to pay that over 25 years, no they will simply freeze her payroll. I also know a man that married a woman to get her her papers. He now has shed 40K to get her in this country and POOF ...as soon as she was legal she was GONE.
stillafool Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Then perhaps you should lay off dating for a while. 1
Author SweetCharity Posted December 28, 2016 Author Posted December 28, 2016 OP, I don't think you have a clue about the legwork involved in sponsoring someone to immigrate. Have you consulted an immigration lawyer? And if you think there's no chance you could wind up in trouble for this just because one of your friends didn't, you are sorely mistaken. Look into cases of marriage fraud in which the couple was caught. Ask yourself if that sounds like fun. Do you really believe your government isn't going to push for a thorough investigation of your relationship with a random student from Kazakhstan? It is going to raise some red flags based on his nationality alone, biased as that sounds. Are you prepared to expose your personal life and your financial history to Immigration so they can satisfy themselves that this is a sound relationship? It sounds like there is a lot you don't know about him, which will make approval for a visa very unlikely. They'll spot your naivety and lack of knowledge immediately, and draw the same conclusion that everyone else is: he is only hanging around you to get papers. If you are foolish enough to marry him, don't be at all surprised when he doesn't change and cheats on you, or worse, disappears. Do you understand that you will be on the hook for a while if he takes off after you are married? He isn't with you because he likes you. He doesn't, and he's made that clear. Heck, he's still seeing others (hence his Tinder) That's not going to change just because you sign a document legally binding yourself to him. In fact, it will probably get worse because he knows that getting out of a marriage isn't so easy, so he will do whatever he wants and stop making any effort at all. He knows you won't do anything about it so he has all the power to do what he wants. Please listen to your family. You don't have any self-esteem or insight into this, but they sure do and they are trying to protect you. Marrying him would be stupid. Yes, stupid. You don't sound like a stupid woman, just lonely and desperate. But girl, please don't do this to yourself. You will regret it for a very long time if you do. The chance of this being approved is quite slim anyway, but you need to think of what your future really looks like if you sign yourself over to him. It will suck. Are you two sleeping together currently? Yes we sleep together all the time. And he's ridiculously good looking. It's hard to want to let that go. And yeah it seems red flag after red flag pops up. It's hard to ignore. He says he's consulting an immigration lawyer but I told him all we do now is fight. He says it will get better once we move in together.
Redhead14 Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 And, please don't use depression as an excuse for making poor decisions. Depression is a serious and debilitating condition. I will grant that and it does make thinking more difficult, etc. It does not, however, explain, support or excuse a departure from the ability to use reason, common sense and make sound decisions. That would be another diagnosis. 3
stillafool Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Look this guy is not in love with you, probably will never be in love with you and once he gets his green card he will bounce. Most of these guys wanting green cards are already in love with someone from their native country. If he gets a job he will send the money home to her while making you pay for his expenses here. Get away from him now. Stop getting so hung up on looks. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Yes we sleep together all the time. And he's ridiculously good looking. It's hard to want to let that go. And yeah it seems red flag after red flag pops up. It's hard to ignore. He says he's consulting an immigration lawyer but I told him all we do now is fight. He says it will get better once we move in together. The reason I asked is because if you are not using protection, you need to get yourself tested for STIs. You know he is hunting around for other women on Tinder so you at the very least need to protect your health. If he's as good-looking as you say he is, he's not going to be lonely in bed very often. You need to consult an Immigration lawyer. Not him. He is not a citizen and thus cannot initiate the process. This is yet another indication that you are uninformed and ill-equipped to deal with this. Why are you not tracking down legal counsel if you really want to go through with this? Do you even have the finances necessary to sponsor him? And no, that isn't something he can pay. You need to have proof of financial solvency, not a sudden deposit of X number of dollars. Look, it's obvious he's with you for all the wrong reasons. Nothing will get better after you move in or marry, because he doesn't care about making it better. Why? Because he doesn't give a crap about you. He cares about himself and getting what he needs, which is a green card. You are just the facilitator, a means to an end. If you want a chance at a happy future, drop this clown. 4
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 Yes we sleep together all the time. And he's ridiculously good looking. It's hard to want to let that go. OH no worry about you letting him go. HE WILL take care of that part himself. He says he's consulting an immigration lawyer but I told him all we do now is fight. He says it will get better once we move in together. He does NOT need to marry you to get his papers. I am dating a foreigner and he is doing all of his immigration papers by the book and he'll have his permanent residency in my country early 2018, till then he has a work permit, drivers license, and medical insurance, he does not need to marry me to remain here.
RecentChange Posted December 28, 2016 Posted December 28, 2016 He says it will get better once we move in together. :lmao::lmao: That's like saying a bad sex life will heat up if you get married. Charity, your picker is straight broken. For whatever reason you chase the very worst guys. It's not bad luck, it's not the universe, it's your poor choices. Until you improve yourself, your mental well being, you will continue to invite users, losers and dirt bags into your life. This guy doesn't love you, heck, he doesn't even like you. He called you boring, and he has zero respect for you. He does think you will be easy to manipulate and use - and so far you have been proving him correct. Don't let this con artist ruin your life. Don't CHOOSE that. Have you been talking about this in your therapy sessions? What does your counselor have to say about this relationship? 4
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