Being the Woman a Man May Choose...

[hippychick3]

It was obvious he chose her already. By making me wait this long, by trying to give it another day. By him not even telling her all of this was going on. He had not reached out to me at all since this all started.

 

When this all came out in the middle of our date last week, he refused to continue the date. He left it at saying he needed time to decide. I feel like he probably feels very relieved he doesn't have to tell this other girl there had been someone else, and he probably loves that the second girl (me) is out of the picture so there's no more drama. Why tell someone he's dating that he WAS dating someone? No point now.

 

Maybe what I hate the most is, *******s like him don't apologize and don't feel guilty. They'll continue doing this because they're not the ones being hurt in the end. The girls are.

 

Until the next girl comes around. And, I can bet you anything there will be a next girl. This is not a monogamous kind of guy. You dodged a bullet.

[elaine567]

This is not a monogamous kind of guy.

 

That is the feeling I got too, he left mid date when exclusivity was brought up.

I guess he had no intention of taking it to the next level and was probably a bit shocked that the OP even mentioned it.

He had to get out of that situation fast, he didn't want to answer any awkward questions, so he made his excuses about some other woman, and left pdq, never to be heard of again.

That is until the OP contacted him...

 

To my mind the exclusivity talk needs brought up pretty quickly, to weed out guys like this. I guess he would have strung the OP along for long enough whilst he continued to "multi-date" and if in the future he had been tackled about it, he would have come out with "but we were never exclusive".

His tactic of playing the "serious bf" role to get some action, was a bit mean IMO.

[ReadySetGo123]

That is the feeling I got too, he left mid date when exclusivity was brought up.

I guess he had no intention of taking it to the next level and was probably a bit shocked that the OP even mentioned it.

He had to get out of that situation fast, he didn't want to answer any awkward questions, so he made his excuses about some other woman, and left pdq, never to be heard of again.

That is until the OP contacted him...

 

To my mind the exclusivity talk needs brought up pretty quickly, to weed out guys like this. I guess he would have strung the OP along for long enough whilst he continued to "multi-date" and if in the future he had been tackled about it, he would have come out with "but we were never exclusive".

His tactic of playing the "serious bf" role to get some action, was a bit mean IMO.

 

The thing is, I didn't think we needed to sit down and go out of our way to talk about exclusivity. He implied a relationship would form. He used that word, "relationship," numerous times, and spoke of (casual) things that we both knew were happening in the future, not today or tomorrow.

 

So maybe when it came out that I was not happy hearing about this other person, he panicked and knew even if he did "pick" me, things would probably be rocky from this situation, so he fled, knowing he would stick with the girl who was in the dark in this whole situation.

Edited October 26, 2016 by ReadySetGo123
Clarification

[Sunkissedpatio]

I just hope whatever they have does NOT work. I would have lived with "what ifs" if this all played out differently. I want him to be the one to think "what if I chose her from the start."

 

 

That's totally understandable that you feel that way.

Rest assured that karma has way of working its way around to pay every deserving person a visit. We all pay for the hurt we inflict onto others, it's life's law.

You know what happens to entitled people like that? They end up feeling the pain when they least expect it and when they are the happiest.

But it won't matter to you anymore because you will have found the person you are intended to be with. So double gift coming your way.

[Gaeta]

Unfortunately nowadays you must have a conversation about exclusivity and establish early what is your dating style. I have never let more than 4-5 dates go by before addressing exclusivity. If by a 4th and 5th date he wasn't sure about me than I'd move on. Men that were serious about dating me made it clear early by making our dating exclusivity official.

 

Of course I have learn that the hard way.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'm not sure how old the OP is, but I feel like the lines really get blurred in dating for the younger generations; I mean 20's and early 30's. It's like the younger generations are more open or whimsical about loosey-goosey dating rules making it a lot harder for some to set boundaries and to find that balance in the beginning. Especially those that are more serious about commitment and monogamous sexual relationships.

 

I could be wrong, just going on observations from what people tend to post on here and personal experience.

 

It's really unfortunate.

[elaine567]

The thing is, I didn't think we needed to sit down and go out of our way to talk about exclusivity. He implied a relationship would form. He used that word, "relationship," numerous times, and spoke of (casual) things that we both knew were happening in the future, not today or tomorrow.

 

That is what I meant by him "playing" the serious bf role, he lulled you into a false sense of security, and I guess that was a deliberate ploy on his part.

You assumed you were bf/gf, when in his world that was far from the truth.

[Els]

I'm not sure how old the OP is, but I feel like the lines really get blurred in dating for the younger generations; I mean 20's and early 30's. It's like the younger generations are more open or whimsical about loosey-goosey dating rules making it a lot harder for some to set boundaries and to find that balance in the beginning. Especially those that are more serious about commitment and monogamous sexual relationships.

 

I could be wrong, just going on observations from what people tend to post on here and personal experience.

 

It's really unfortunate.

 

It probably depends on the culture. I'm in the age range you mentioned, and I've never multi-dated, and would never date a man who was multi-dating me either.

 

I can understand why some people choose to multi-date, especially for the first, say, 3-5 dates. Especially if they're dating an essential stranger rather than someone they already know. But to still be 'choosing' after a month and 8+ dates? Ugh, no. I think that makes it pretty obvious that the dude isn't LTR material, or at least not the right one for her.

[Poe77]

We have been on about eight dates, and yes we have had sex. He implied early on that he can see this leading to a relationship. So, since it seemed we were on the same page, I asked him about making things exclusive and that's when it came out that there is someone else.

 

Im sorry I think knowing he had another women on the hook he shouldn't have let you sleep with him to me that's a low class move almost border line deceptive not good bf material imo.

 

You thought you had a good thing going and saw a future? mean time he saw you as a spur of the moment booty call while he still weighs his long term gf options why are you settling to be this mans mean time booty call?

[Sunkissedpatio]

It probably depends on the culture. I'm in the age range you mentioned, and I've never multi-dated, and would never date a man who was multi-dating me either.

 

I can understand why some people choose to multi-date, especially for the first, say, 3-5 dates. Especially if they're dating an essential stranger rather than someone they already know. But to still be 'choosing' after a month and 8+ dates? Ugh, no. I think that makes it pretty obvious that the dude isn't LTR material, or at least not the right one for her.

 

Oh I agree 100%. You pointed out something that is key, and that is that multi-dating is good especially with someone that is a virtual stranger. So this phenomenon is dictated and mostly driven by online dating standards that have spilled over into regular dating tactics. I too can see how someone who met online for example would want a few dates and keeping things open to others if the need be. But because of that tendency I feel that now people do it across the board and give themselves the excuse that "it's ok to multi-date" under any circumstance, because that is the norm.

 

The man in the OP is certainly doing something that is unethical. Yes you multi-date, can go out to dinner or drinks with different people but as soon as you start sleeping with someone and you continue to do so and seeing them then technically you are forming a relationship of sorts with them. Doing the same with another person constitute cheating really.

[Zapbasket]

Oh I agree 100%. You pointed out something that is key, and that is that multi-dating is good especially with someone that is a virtual stranger. So this phenomenon is dictated and mostly driven by online dating standards that have spilled over into regular dating tactics. I too can see how someone who met online for example would want a few dates and keeping things open to others if the need be. But because of that tendency I feel that now people do it across the board and give themselves the excuse that "it's ok to multi-date" under any circumstance, because that is the norm.

 

The man in the OP is certainly doing something that is unethical. Yes you multi-date, can go out to dinner or drinks with different people but as soon as you start sleeping with someone and you continue to do so and seeing them then technically you are forming a relationship of sorts with them. Doing the same with another person constitute cheating really.

 

I agree with this.

 

OP, I'm sorry things went the way they did. I can imagine how disappointed and "WTF" you must feel. Please don't internalize this as anything about you; this is all on him. On the bright side, at least you found out now that he's not bf material, rather than much later, when your investment is deeper.

 

And, at least you are off the hook now. I hope that feels empowering.

 

Believe me, that other girl didn't win some prize. I won't be surprised either if he reaches out to you after she has kicked him to the curb. I'd not bother with him.