Shining One Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Yeah, I just don't understand the whole multi-dating thing. The only multi-dating I've done is where I had a first date planned with one guy, and then met another guy at a work conference whom I met afterwards for a drink. The next evening I went on my pre-planned dinner date with the original guy and just didn't feel the same attraction and spark as with the work conference guy. It was immediately clear that there was more with the work conference guy than the original guy, and so I didn't agree to a second date with the original guy. It just seems that if a person's intent is to find someone with whom to have a relationship, it pretty quickly becomes apparent which of your dating options holds the most interest for you. No?It's not quite this simple, at least for some of us. Let's say I go on a couple dates with Woman 1 and Woman 2. Woman 1 is more appealing to me, but I'm unsure of the interest levels of both women. If I drop Woman 2 and Woman 1 says "let's be friends" two dates later, I've lost my opportunity with both women. With that being said, I have always known which woman I'm going to continue with once sex becomes part of the equation.
Zapbasket Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 They've only been seeing each other for a *month!* I think that's being lost on some people here. Love has nothing to do with this at this point. He introduced her to his family.
Zapbasket Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 It's not quite this simple, at least for some of us. Let's say I go on a couple dates with Woman 1 and Woman 2. Woman 1 is more appealing to me, but I'm unsure of the interest levels of both women. If I drop Woman 2 and Woman 1 says "let's be friends" two dates later, I've lost my opportunity with both women. With that being said, I have always known which woman I'm going to continue with once sex becomes part of the equation. But that's exactly the part I don't get: if you know that Woman 1 was the one in whom you had the greater interest, and she turned you down, why would you keep up with Woman 2? Why not wait a while and find another Woman 1? The mentality you're showing here is, "I'll take what I can get," versus, "I want to find the right person for me." For me, if there are two guys, and I'm more interested in Guy 1, as soon as I know I'm more keen for Guy 1 I will drop Guy 2. Anything less in my eyes is not fair. Then if Guy 1 turns me down after a few more dates, I know that NEITHER guy was for me.
Zapbasket Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 I'll take note of this, and be careful to not be *too* honest with women in the future. /s Perhaps it's a parsing of words, but I think I'm urging people to be MORE honest, in the way it most counts. Hypothetical situation: I'm dating Guy 1 and Guy 2. With each I have been on two dates, within a two-week period. Both seem lovely and there is chemistry and what seems to be mutual interest and because I'm not a big multi-dater, I'm sussing out my feelings so that by the next date I can choose one, and let the other go. But on the second date, Guy 1 says he hasn't been this excited about someone in a long time, and wants to pursue me exclusively, and wants to know whether I feel the same way, and would pursue him exclusively. I will NOT say, "I'm into you, too, but I am seeing someone else also and don't feel ready to choose." Because instantly Guy 1 feels like second-fiddle. And if the situation were reversed, I'd be really turned off knowing that I'm "competing" with some other girl. I'm just not interested in playing that game. But back to my Guy 1 and Guy 2 scenario. What I'd say to Guy 1 is, "I'm really into you, too. I need a little time to think it over, okay? And I'll give you my answer on the next date." For all he knows, maybe I just have to figure out whether I'm ready to pursue a relationship, or maybe I'm just someone who likes to think things over before giving a decision (I am). But where the HONESTY comes in is that I'm now in a pressure-cooker to make a decision and follow through on what I decide. So after that date, I'll go home and give it all a hard think. Do I choose Guy 1? Guy 2? Neither guy? Really, it shouldn't be a hard choice, even after two dates. If I have chosen Guy 1, I IMMEDIATELY let Guy 2 know that while I enjoyed our dates, I just don't feel there is enough chemistry on my end for us to go out again. Again: no mention of another guy to him, either. But now, with Guy 1, I can give him my word that from here on, I am pursuing him exclusively and while there are no guarantees, I'm committed to seeing where things lead. By doing this the way I did, I've respected his feelings, and haven't deceived anyone. Meanwhile, OP's guy--has he called her yet, telling her what he has decided? If not, then he's perfectly okay with her being left hanging, or with her going off and dating other guys. He's showing that he neither considers nor respects her feelings very much, and that he doesn't really care whether she's around, or not. This is NOT the behavior of someone who is really into a new romantic prospect. For me, the magic would be gone at this point. I'd probably not even return his call, text, or email (especially not text) at this point. I'd be totally turned off.
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Instead of being the woman that a man may choose, be the woman that has bigger aspirations in life than to be an OW waiting to be chosen. Be the woman that wants no part in some sad triangle and let some loser take home the "grand prize" You know, women who think "he chose me!! he actually loves me!!" don't realize that it's like going to the doctor for test results and being ecstatic that their mammogram came back negative but they have lymphoma - you still walk away with cancer.
Author ReadySetGo123 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 Update: I called him. He asked for more time. I said let's call things off now. He said okay. He did not tell the other woman about all of this that's been happening. She has no idea. He is seeing her tonight. I am sure they will both continue to be happy, and he will go on with his life without any guilt over what he caused. He had zero intention of the possibility of breaking things off with her. He was either going to just let me wait until I got the hint, or exactly this - Wait until I reach out to him, and he'd call things off. He is probably dating her just as seriously as it seemed he and I were dating. I kind of feel like "the other woman" in this situation. I wonder if his family met her as well, and they just go along with this charade. Either way, what a scumbag. It seems like the "picking" situation rarely ends successfully.
Author ReadySetGo123 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 Also: I feel so hurt over this. But I don't want to just lay in bed and eat a tub of ice cream and watch sad movies. I want to try to bounce back from this just as quickly as it all happened in the first place. Easier said than done, I'm afraid.
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Update: I called him. He asked for more time. I said let's call things off now. He said okay. He did not tell the other woman about all of this that's been happening. She has no idea. He is seeing her tonight. I am sure they will both continue to be happy, and he will go on with his life without any guilt over what he caused. He had zero intention of the possibility of breaking things off with her. He was either going to just let me wait until I got the hint, or exactly this - Wait until I reach out to him, and he'd call things off. He is probably dating her just as seriously as it seemed he and I were dating. I kind of feel like "the other woman" in this situation. I wonder if his family met her as well, and they just go along with this charade. Either way, what a scumbag. It seems like the "picking" situation rarely ends successfully. Oh dear I am so sorry that on top of it he was so nonchalant about it. But don't get stuck on the idea that it would have been nice for him to fight for you at least a little, it would have actually complicated things for you that much more because you would have ended up getting sucked in only to end up here down the line anyway. About the other girl he is dating, EVEN if she never finds out that you were in the picture too, YOU know you were. How serious and into her could he actually be if he was willing to continue with you while he decided on either? If she doesn't know I feel sorry for her because she will be happy but find out down the line what he is made of. You to the power back, you decided for him and now he is stuck with your decision not his! You deflated his ego in one shot. Good for you! they will be happy until he feels the need to test drive someone else before he leaves another woman. He's done this before and he will do it again. I'm sorry it will hurt, but good for you for being super strong and having self-respect! You won't regret this! 1
IfonlyIknew Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 The answer you got is just the answer confirmed. It sucks I know. Just know that this has nothing to do with you "not being good enough" or the other girl is "better", he went his route because that's what works for him at the moment, it could be anything. 1
xxoo Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Either way, what a scumbag. It seems like the "picking" situation rarely ends successfully. Yuck. Really gross. Yes, "picking" situations are really just a boost for one person's ego at the expense of (at least) two others' egos 2
Author ReadySetGo123 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 Oh dear I am so sorry that on top of it he was so nonchalant about it. But don't get stuck on the idea that it would have been nice for him to fight for you at least a little, it would have actually complicated things for you that much more because you would have ended up getting sucked in only to end up here down the line anyway. About the other girl he is dating, EVEN if she never finds out that you were in the picture too, YOU know you were. How serious and into her could he actually be if he was willing to continue with you while he decided on either? If she doesn't know I feel sorry for her because she will be happy but find out down the line what he is made of. You to the power back, you decided for him and now he is stuck with your decision not his! You deflated his ego in one shot. Good for you! they will be happy until he feels the need to test drive someone else before he leaves another woman. He's done this before and he will do it again. I'm sorry it will hurt, but good for you for being super strong and having self-respect! You won't regret this! I just keep questioning myself. Wondering if, if I were the woman he preferred and wanted, he would have stopped seeing her and he and I could have continued things. Maybe this is something he has done many times before. But if he hasn't, and it truly was "bad timing," then he chose the better woman and she will never know the drama behind everything. I keep questioning so many things now. We had kept talking about going to a certain restaurant. Then, he kept making excuses not to go there. Was it because he went there with her? I also don't want this to affect my dating life going forward. I don't want to tell guys at the start of dates "If you're dating someone else, tell me now." If someone who seemed as perfect as he seemed could be such a piece of scum, it could happen with anyone.
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 I just keep questioning myself. Wondering if, if I were the woman he preferred and wanted, he would have stopped seeing her and he and I could have continued things. Maybe this is something he has done many times before. But if he hasn't, and it truly was "bad timing," then he chose the better woman and she will never know the drama behind everything. He didn't choose her you chose her for him by removing yourself from the game. That's power and way better than sticking around giving this guy all the time he needs waiting around like a hungry puppy for him to throw you a bone. Don't second guess yourself, you did the right thing! As per the woman never knowing the drama, unfortunately that's her problem now.
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 At just over one month virtually anyone can look perfect. You don't have to ask guys right off the bat if they are dating anyone else. How did the topic even come up with this guy that he was dating another girl still?
xxoo Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 He didn't choose her. He'd happily sleep with you both as long as possible. To avoid in the future: always talk about exclusivity before sex. 3
Author ReadySetGo123 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 He didn't choose her you chose her for him by removing yourself from the game. That's power and way better than sticking around giving this guy all the time he needs waiting around like a hungry puppy for him to throw you a bone. Don't second guess yourself, you did the right thing! As per the woman never knowing the drama, unfortunately that's her problem now. It was obvious he chose her already. By making me wait this long, by trying to give it another day. By him not even telling her all of this was going on. He had not reached out to me at all since this all started. When this all came out in the middle of our date last week, he refused to continue the date. He left it at saying he needed time to decide. I feel like he probably feels very relieved he doesn't have to tell this other girl there had been someone else, and he probably loves that the second girl (me) is out of the picture so there's no more drama. Why tell someone he's dating that he WAS dating someone? No point now. Maybe what I hate the most is, *******s like him don't apologize and don't feel guilty. They'll continue doing this because they're not the ones being hurt in the end. The girls are.
Author ReadySetGo123 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 At just over one month virtually anyone can look perfect. You don't have to ask guys right off the bat if they are dating anyone else. How did the topic even come up with this guy that he was dating another girl still? It came out that he kissed someone the previous weekend. But along with that, he also said "But I'm not seeing her." The whole following week, I had a bad feeling in my gut about it. That's why I asked him. Even though he had lied at first, when I came out and asked, he said yes right away.
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 I don't get it though if he were THAT into her why even go on a date with you? What for? Is he that much of a puss that he couldn't text you "I don't think this is working out" and leave it at that? if was to cowardly to dump you face to face.
Author ReadySetGo123 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 (edited) Also: About him kissing someone. Everything was all implied. About forming a relationship. We did not come out and have the exclusive talk. I just kind of thought it was a given, by how things were moving. But after finding out about him kissing someone, it ate away at me because it just didn't seem casual. I had a gut feeling. So that's why I came out and asked. Gut was right. Edited October 25, 2016 by ReadySetGo123 Typo
Author ReadySetGo123 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 I don't get it though if he were THAT into her why even go on a date with you? What for? Is he that much of a puss that he couldn't text you "I don't think this is working out" and leave it at that? if was to cowardly to dump you face to face. He deleted his online dating profile the day we met. I thought it was because he did not want to see anyone else. I see now it is probably because he did not want to bring a third girl into the equation. And yes, this was all incredibly cowardly of him.
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 It came out that he kissed someone the previous weekend. But along with that, he also said "But I'm not seeing her." The whole following week, I had a bad feeling in my gut about it. That's why I asked him. Even though he had lied at first, when I came out and asked, he said yes right away. See! He was willing to lie to you and downplay the importance of the other relationship for fear you would dump him. If he TRULY chose her and wanted you out of the picture why even let himself get caught in all that? The fool thought you were so gaga over him that you would actually wait around for him to see how things go waiting to be the chosen one. You didn't. You showed him you weren't as into him as he thought. And you decided for him.
guest569 Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 That is terrible, OP. But you have clearly done the right thing. I think of 'multidating' as very casually getting to know several people at once. In my opinion, what he was doing was two timing/cheating. Don't feel badly. I've been in a similar situation after 2 months with someone, I asked him if he was seeing anyone else. I was quite shocked that he had been seeing another woman. My response was to go away and get on with my life. I got a midnight text a week later with excuses why he didn't want to continue, when I knew that it was basically 'I chose the other woman'. I let him know what I thought of it all, but he became defensive and argumentative. He seemed to think he had done nothing wrong because we didn't have intercourse (just oral and hand stuff, so I guess that is ok!). I've been in another relationship where we were exclusive from the get go, without having a 'talk'. That was nice. But unfortunately it seems that a lot of people have strange rules and beliefs like the guy I mentioned above. So 'the talk' is usually necessary. Ready, set, go! On with your life and onto the next adventure. When you're ready, a happy, meaningful relationship with someone honest who knows what they want. You deserved so much better than this.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 I'm sorry things didn't work out. I can imagine how disappointed and upset you must feel. However, I want to encourage you that there is at least one good thing that came out of it. Now you know that, for you, it is important to establish that there are no other parties involved early on, before you become invested. It may not always work, people can still lie but at least you are making your own boundaries and needs clear. At a guess, I would say this guy wanted a backup so don't be surprised if you hear from him again in a few weeks if it doesn't work out with the other one. He may spin some story about not being able to stop thinking about you. I would be skeptical if he does. Don't give up on dating. Your match is out there! 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 At a guess, I would say this guy wanted a backup so don't be surprised if you hear from him again in a few weeks if it doesn't work out with the other one. He may spin some story about not being able to stop thinking about you. I would be skeptical if he does. I was TOTALLY going to say that too. It's a funny thing, once you decide for them you can suddenly become that much more attractive to them.
Author ReadySetGo123 Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 I was TOTALLY going to say that too. It's a funny thing, once you decide for them you can suddenly become that much more attractive to them. I do agree, I believe I was a backup. I just hope whatever they have does NOT work. I would have lived with "what ifs" if this all played out differently. I want him to be the one to think "what if I chose her from the start."
kendahke Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 I do agree, I believe I was a backup. I just hope whatever they have does NOT work. I would have lived with "what ifs" if this all played out differently. I want him to be the one to think "what if I chose her from the start." Don't invest your energy into this. That's you giving up a bunch of your own personal power in exchange for discounted validation. He never should have stepped to you in the first place, being he was already involved with someone else. You did the right thing by dismissing him.
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