Being the Woman a Man May Choose...

[Zapbasket]

A few people are throwing the word "love" around. OP, has love come up at all in conversations with this man? Speaking for myself, I don't fall in love with a woman (or two) after only a month or so of dating.

 

And no one expects him to, or anyone else.

 

When you're applying for jobs, you don't embark on the interview process across a selection of companies announcing, "Well, Company A, you seem cool, but I'm also in an interview process with Companies B and C and right now I'm not really sure which company I like more. So I'm going to sit on this for an indeterminate period and we can keep learning about each other and stuff, and down the line I'll let you know."

 

No. It's assumed by companies that candidates are pursuing multiple venues at once; nevertheless they expect the candidate to show a clear and committed INTEREST in the position with their company throughout the duration of the interview process. The candidate is humble, shows up to the interviews prepared and on time, asks thoughtful questions about the company and the position, sends thank-you emails or notes for people's time, and accords each company the respect of making it at least SEEM as though s/he is only pursuing that company.

 

Only once offers have been made might it be tactful for a candidate to mention that s/he has received other offers. The purpose at that point is to try to leverage the offers in hopes of of getting Company A to offer more compensation than Company B, say.

 

And here is where the analogy of job interviewing and dating should leave off. Because in dating, no, you DON'T leverage one person off another. Everyone knows that in the early stages of dating, no one has to be certain that the other person is The One. They just have to be clear and steadfast in their pursuit.

 

Frankly I think OP's guy is either really classless and clueless, read: INSENSITIVE, or he enjoys the power and ego boosts of a woman waiting for him. His action is a subtle communication that she is not good enough. It's rude, it's disrespectful, it's lame, it just plain sucks.

[Shining One]

Frankly I think OP's guy is either really classless and clueless, read: INSENSITIVE, or he enjoys the power and ego boosts of a woman waiting for him. His action is a subtle communication that she is not good enough. It's rude, it's disrespectful, it's lame, it just plain sucks.

It's seems that you're reading malicious intent from the man in question. I wouldn't make that assumption based on the information provided thus far. The fact that he was considering another woman didn't come out until the OP brought up exclusivity. What would have been the "right" way for him to respond? Should he have lied to the OP?

[Zapbasket]

It's seems that you're reading malicious intent from the man in question. I wouldn't make that assumption based on the information provided thus far. The fact that he was considering another woman didn't come out until the OP brought up exclusivity. What would have been the "right" way for him to respond? Should he have lied to the OP?

 

I gave an example of what the "right" way would have been: "I'm really enjoying getting to know each other more and would feel more comfortable continuing with that a little longer rather than defining it just yet."

 

And then, in the privacy of his mind: "Oh sh*t. She wants exclusivity and I'm not ready for it yet, because I'm interested in this other woman, too. I'd hate to let her go but I don't want to string anyone along. Hopefully what I've said to her buys me a little more time, but I know ultimately to be fair to both women I need to make a decision soon."

 

Then, if a couple more weeks pass and he finds himself still unable to choose, and perhaps the OP asks him again where they stand: "Look, I really like you. But I'm not ready to make this exclusive, I'm just not and I'm sorry. I don't want to string you along but I would hate to miss out on an opportunity to see where this might go between us."

 

This puts the ball in her court, without her having to imagine an "other woman" he could be seeing. She can either continue dating other guys herself, or she can nip this one because she's interested in and ready for exclusivity with him and he is not.

 

And I never said there was definitely malicious intent. There could be, if he's the manipulator-type. It's more likely that he's just clueless and insensitive. But that doesn't give him a pass, either.

[Shining One]

I gave an example of what the "right" way would have been: "I'm really enjoying getting to know each other more and would feel more comfortable continuing with that a little longer rather than defining it just yet."

 

And then, in the privacy of his mind: "Oh sh*t. She wants exclusivity and I'm not ready for it yet, because I'm interested in this other woman, too. I'd hate to let her go but I don't want to string anyone along. Hopefully what I've said to her buys me a little more time, but I know ultimately to be fair to both women I need to make a decision soon."

 

Then, if a couple more weeks pass and he finds himself still unable to choose, and perhaps the OP asks him again where they stand: "Look, I really like you. But I'm not ready to make this exclusive, I'm just not and I'm sorry. I don't want to string you along but I would hate to miss out on an opportunity to see where this might go between us."

 

This puts the ball in her court, without her having to imagine an "other woman" he could be seeing. She can either continue dating other guys herself, or she can nip this one because she's interested in and ready for exclusivity with him and he is not.

 

And I never said there was definitely malicious intent. There could be, if he's the manipulator-type. It's more likely that he's just clueless and insensitive. But that doesn't give him a pass, either.

I feel like this is another "to each their own" situation. I've been in this situation myself. I was ready to be exclusive with a woman but she was still dating someone else and undecided. I preferred to know that she was deciding between me and someone else rather than not know.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I dated a guy for 2 months and then found out he was also still talking to his "crazy" ex. We weren't exclusive at that point, but when I found out I got mad, especially because she already had a long term boyfriend (they dated for 3 years but had been broken up 4 years when unmet him), so I demanded either exclusivity or I walk.

 

He chose me. His ex sent me this very vicious note about how he was saying things behind my back to her, have fun with him, etc.

 

Guess what? He was a grade A jerk who screwed with my head for 4 years on and off and took me another 4 to get over. Wish he would have chosen her...

 

I'd say walk away. He could have found a way to make this decision without putting you through the discomfort, but he likes the power I would guess. That will manifest in other ways later if you end up being "chosen."

 

I'm the "crazy ex" in my scenario I'm sure since my ex fiancé left me for someone he met at work (different thing but similar to your story in that) when I saw them together a few weeks after our split and I confronted them I told her he had been engaged to me and having sex with me right up until a week prior and she looked surprised to hear this. But I'm sure he made me out to be the "crazy ex" in that moment and she believed him.

 

Life lesson, when I met him he had a crazy ex wife a crazy ex girlfriend and now I'm sure I'm the crazy ex fiancé. His story will end up like yours and I feel for the other girl, even though she was complicit in the affair she has no idea what she got into. People like that don't change.

 

That's why I say to the OP be thankful he told you his major flaw up front you've been given the gift of hindsight before you go through the suffering - I would accept the gift and run. It's hard because you feel you found a great mate but in all likely hood he is the opposite. Sorry

[Vado]

I think you are a backup or FWB. Two things you can do: let him know you want to be exclusive and if het doesn't say goodbye, or do the same as him: date others.

[Zapbasket]

I feel like this is another "to each their own" situation. I've been in this situation myself. I was ready to be exclusive with a woman but she was still dating someone else and undecided. I preferred to know that she was deciding between me and someone else rather than not know.

 

Do you think this could be a gender difference? Women don't typically like even the suggestion of "another woman." Perhaps for men knowing there is another man in the running for a woman's affections is more of an enticement, to "win" the woman for himself? Just a speculation....

[lana-banana]

Do you think this could be a gender difference? Women don't typically like even the suggestion of "another woman." Perhaps for men knowing there is another man in the running for a woman's affections is more of an enticement, to "win" the woman for himself? Just a speculation....

 

I don't think so. I'd absolutely prefer to know if the guy I'm seeing is dating other people. If we've had right dates and I'm ready to be exclusive but he's not, he's not the right one for me. The guy OP is seeing should be commended for his honesty even though it was awkward and not the answer she was looking for.

 

OP: I have had men choose other women over me, and also had men choose me above other women (including my wonderful fiance, thankfully). The latter situation is nothing like this. When a guy is into you you don't end up in this kind of situation. He is just dating casually and keeping his options open for now. If you want more you'll need to find it elsewhere.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Do you think this could be a gender difference? Women don't typically like even the suggestion of "another woman." Perhaps for men knowing there is another man in the running for a woman's affections is more of an enticement, to "win" the woman for himself? Just a speculation....

 

I have to agree with you on that, I too feel that for men that would actually give them a challenge and something bigger to work towards.

 

Boy you fellas can be real weirdos but we still love ya!

[Shining One]

Do you think this could be a gender difference? Women don't typically like even the suggestion of "another woman." Perhaps for men knowing there is another man in the running for a woman's affections is more of an enticement, to "win" the woman for himself? Just a speculation....

I've had more than one woman (both dates and friends) tell me that honesty is always the best policy. They also count lies of omission (which this situation would fall under) as lies.

 

As for being enticed to win the woman over, that's not the reason I prefer to know. I always prefer to make informed decisions (in every situation, not just dating). Thus, having all of the information available is important to me.

[ReadySetGo123]

I feel like this is another "to each their own" situation. I've been in this situation myself. I was ready to be exclusive with a woman but she was still dating someone else and undecided. I preferred to know that she was deciding between me and someone else rather than not know.

 

So what happened in this scenario? Because so far, I have heard many stories about being the person who was not picked, or the person who was picked and it didn't end well. Was this a success story for you?

[Shining One]

So what happened in this scenario? Because so far, I have heard many stories about being the person who was not picked, or the person who was picked and it didn't end well. Was this a success story for you?

I decided to decrease my level of effort with her and meet other women. We kept in contact for a short while, but we never went out again since I didn't ask her and she never planned anything. I started dating someone else shortly after that.

 

Would she have picked me if I had kept taking her out? I don't know. I chose not to sit and wait and that's my advice to you. Don't burn the bridge (unless you want to), but don't put significant effort into him either.

[ReadySetGo123]

I gave an example of what the "right" way would have been: "I'm really enjoying getting to know each other more and would feel more comfortable continuing with that a little longer rather than defining it just yet."

 

And then, in the privacy of his mind: "Oh sh*t. She wants exclusivity and I'm not ready for it yet, because I'm interested in this other woman, too. I'd hate to let her go but I don't want to string anyone along. Hopefully what I've said to her buys me a little more time, but I know ultimately to be fair to both women I need to make a decision soon."

 

Then, if a couple more weeks pass and he finds himself still unable to choose, and perhaps the OP asks him again where they stand: "Look, I really like you. But I'm not ready to make this exclusive, I'm just not and I'm sorry. I don't want to string you along but I would hate to miss out on an opportunity to see where this might go between us."

 

This puts the ball in her court, without her having to imagine an "other woman" he could be seeing. She can either continue dating other guys herself, or she can nip this one because she's interested in and ready for exclusivity with him and he is not.

 

And I never said there was definitely malicious intent. There could be, if he's the manipulator-type. It's more likely that he's just clueless and insensitive. But that doesn't give him a pass, either.

 

I kind of thought I could just sit in silence and move on, but as I am trying to do just that, I am realizing that I do not know if I could...Sitting in silence IS being strung along.

[hippychick3]

I kind of thought I could just sit in silence and move on, but as I am trying to do just that, I am realizing that I do not know if I could...Sitting in silence IS being strung along.

 

But you should not be "sitting" in silence. You should be living your life and moving on without giving him any undeserved attention and energy.

 

Don't sit. Go out and do stuff with friends, family, or OTHER GUYS!

[Zapbasket]

I've had more than one woman (both dates and friends) tell me that honesty is always the best policy. They also count lies of omission (which this situation would fall under) as lies.

 

As for being enticed to win the woman over, that's not the reason I prefer to know. I always prefer to make informed decisions (in every situation, not just dating). Thus, having all of the information available is important to me.

 

I guess it just comes down to individual preferences. I don't presume that, in the very early stages of dating, someone is only seeing me. I don't feel I need to be told that the person is seeing multiple people, and I don't feel obligated to state that I'm exploring my options, as well. But once we've established mutual interest and have exchanged some meaningful time, I expect that the interest itself is enough for a person to pare down his focus to only me. I do the same. I don't expect anyone to be certain about me early on. It just creeps me out that once we're having intimate conversations and spending more time together, someone could be doing the same thing, and having the same kinds of conversations, with another woman. Knowing that just makes me lose interest.

 

I guess I just feel that multi-dating beyond just a few dates is disingenuous. I mean, in OP's case, she has already met his family. What'd he do, introduce both women to his siblings and parents?

[Els]

When I asked, he was honest and said it right away. He met us both around the same time. I am okay with dating different people. That's what dating is (to me, at least) - putting yourself out there to meet new people and get to know them to see if they have the potential to become something more. However, this is a new situation to me - to move at what seems to be the same pace with two different people.

.

 

You two have been dating for over a month and have had EIGHT dates together. You're not exactly 'new' anymore. Eight dates is plenty to know if you're interested in a girl (or, conversely, in a guy).

 

It's up to you but I personally think that if you carry on trying to make him 'pick you', it really is going to do a number on your self-esteem and this 'relationship' is pretty much doomed anyway regardless.

[Els]

A few people are throwing the word "love" around. OP, has love come up at all in conversations with this man? Speaking for myself, I don't fall in love with a woman (or two) after only a month or so of dating.

 

When I use 'fall in love' in this context, I'm talking about the feelings. The giddiness, the excitement, the desire to be with them. Obviously, I am not talking about genuine 'love', the sort of thing that holds a couple through thick and thin, through sickness and health - it is way too soon for that. But IME it isn't too soon for the warm fuzzy feelings.

 

I can't imagine going out on eight DATES with a person (not including any other communication or previous history as acquaintances) and not feeling any of that at all (or conversely, being in the OP's position where the person I am dating doesn't know whether or not they want to be exclusive with me after eight dates). To me, that would be a sure sign that this person is not right for me.

[stillafool]

I kind of thought I could just sit in silence and move on, but as I am trying to do just that, I am realizing that I do not know if I could...Sitting in silence IS being strung along.

 

Please don't start chasing after him and get caught in a game of competition. This will surely turn him off. Go out and enjoy your life.

[Versacehottie]

I apologize - I didn't see your response before I posted, asking if I should call or not.

 

Thank you for writing all of this. Reading that experience was eye-opening..It's still all hard to hear. But this thread has been more helpful than just reading other threads/articles with similar situations, because I was able to say my exact situation and hear responses about it directly.

 

Like I said, I've had really terrible luck with guys...But I guess the first step to finally finding the right person is to call things off with this guy. And to do it before he possibly calls and tells me he picks me, and it throws me totally off-guard.

 

You keep mentioning your "bad luck" with guys. If that's the reason you would hang on, that's a terrible reason. You need to get into the mindset that "so what?"; you will find someone else and making good decisions for yourself in this situation and all future ones are "good luck" as someone above's story illustrates.

 

I don't know what to advise you to do. I tend not to believe in arbitrary timeframes (such as if he doesn't know tonight, i'm done with him). I do tend to believe in stepping back to reassess--I think like smackie's advice and as someone else said (forgive me, I forgot who, a guy I think), just decide what you want to do when he calls you or when you feel ready to decide. Right now it's normal to feel extremely emotional--and sometimes the best decisions are not made in those moments; they are also not made about dating in a purely logical ways either.

 

If it makes you feel any better, my friend is going through the exact same thing the last few days. She just spent 5 days in a row with her new guy, just dating but moving in a good direction & had gone on a trip & then felt something off the next day. She asked him about it and he confessed he is also dating someone else who he likes too and doesn't want to be rushed to choose between them ("because he has made a mistake in this situation before"). I have to say, I didn't know what to say. Her feelings her pretty much like yours (insulted and hurt and doesn't know what she wants to do). Her situation is similar to yours in that he started dating both her and the other girl at around the same time (not like an ex-gf popped back up or anything). I honestly didn't know what to advise her. Good luck

[ManyDissapoint]

Sex is a privilege for men who treat you like their girlfriend (whatever that means to you) and the reason you slept with him is that you erroneously thought that was the case. You can and should withdraw that privilege immediately.

[Erik30]

Do you think this could be a gender difference? Women don't typically like even the suggestion of "another woman." Perhaps for men knowing there is another man in the running for a woman's affections is more of an enticement, to "win" the woman for himself? Just a speculation....

 

The only reason I would like to know, is so I'll also keep my options open and don't get too attached to the girl. If anything, I'd probably put in less effort, knowing she's with some other guy whenever she's "too busy" to hang out with me.

 

It happened to me a couple of times where a girl would seemingly end It out of nowhere and I had no idea what the hell happened, only to later find out she picked some other guy over me. If I knew that back then, I would also treat them like an option.

[Toodaloo]

It sucks. But I am trying to see it through his eyes.

 

Do you know my worst mistake in dating?

 

I have a tendency to make excuses for men and accept what is basically bad behavior because of such and such and I am trying to be empathetic...

 

Do you know what I have learnt from those mistakes?

 

That it is just not worth the bother to put myself down like that. The guys I am making excuses for NEVER turn out to be worth it. Not once and not once have they ever turned out to be even close to being worth it...

 

Quit selling yourself short. I know it hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on...

[Toodaloo]

The only reason I would like to know, is so I'll also keep my options open and don't get too attached to the girl. If anything, I'd probably put in less effort, knowing she's with some other guy whenever she's "too busy" to hang out with me.

 

It happened to me a couple of times where a girl would seemingly end It out of nowhere and I had no idea what the hell happened, only to later find out she picked some other guy over me. If I knew that back then, I would also treat them like an option.

 

Which is why you should never bother to waste your time or money on people who treat you like an option...

 

Multi daters will always get dumped by me... for that very reason.

[Zapbasket]

Which is why you should never bother to waste your time or money on people who treat you like an option...

 

Multi daters will always get dumped by me... for that very reason.

 

Yeah, I just don't understand the whole multi-dating thing. The only multi-dating I've done is where I had a first date planned with one guy, and then met another guy at a work conference whom I met afterwards for a drink. The next evening I went on my pre-planned dinner date with the original guy and just didn't feel the same attraction and spark as with the work conference guy. It was immediately clear that there was more with the work conference guy than the original guy, and so I didn't agree to a second date with the original guy.

 

It just seems that if a person's intent is to find someone with whom to have a relationship, it pretty quickly becomes apparent which of your dating options holds the most interest for you. No? I get the feeling that avid multi-daters, who let things go on with two or more people beyond just a few dates, aren't interested in a relationship at all but just in an ego boost and/or screwing around. And some have no qualms with going on this way KNOWING that at least one of their dalliances is in it hoping for a relationship if the compatibility is there.

 

Just don't get it.

[elaine567]

It just seems that if a person's intent is to find someone with whom to have a relationship, it pretty quickly becomes apparent which of your dating options holds the most interest for you. No? I get the feeling that avid multi-daters, who let things go on with two or more people beyond just a few dates, aren't interested in a relationship at all but just in an ego boost and/or screwing around. And some have no qualms with going on this way KNOWING that at least one of their dalliances is in it hoping for a relationship if the compatibility is there.

 

Just don't get it.

Well I get it.

It is a way of having sex with multiple people at the same time under the pretext of "multi-dating" and "We are not exclusive."

I kind of blame the culture of multi-dating for the increased cheating stats.

How do you go from many options to just the one and "for life" too?

Not very easily is my guess.

It probably all becomes a bit addictive and second nature.

So whilst they may be able to concentrate on "the one" for a while, the old desire for that ego boost kicks in and then they cheat.