Being the Woman a Man May Choose...

[ReadySetGo123]

So he wouldn't have even told you he had another woman if you hadn't asked? Are you sure he isn't married or living with a woman?

 

Yes, I am sure. I have been to his apartment numerous times and I have met his family.

[ReadySetGo123]

Alright...I should have known to expect posts stating I can do better, I deserve better, he's a PoS, etc.

 

I have had extremely rotten luck with dating/relationships. I finally thought I found someone who was the perfect match for me...and maybe he would have been, if this other person was not in the picture. Or maybe it's showing his true colors, and I'm finding it out early on. Either way, it is just hard for me to have my hopes set so high for the first time for someone (I have never gotten attached this quickly), and to have those hopes let down so quickly. There are certain things we did in that short amount of time that I had not experienced with anyone else..and I'm not talking about sex. Things with a lot more meaning than that.

 

I hate living with what ifs, or regrets, or maybes. Hell, at this point I don't even know if he'll reach out. Maybe he'll disappear. If he disappears, I won't wonder "what if," because I'll know his choice. If he reaches out, at least he'll be decent enough to let me know.

 

I read an article about a man who waited too long to pick between two women, so he ended up losing the both of them. I am going to be realistic with myself and give myself until the end of the day today - If I do not hear from him, he's lost me. I know that may sound ridiculous to not just try to move on right now, compared to everything you all have said and what I have said. But I am just trying to be honest with myself - I know my emotions. This is the last shot.

 

Thank you. If I lose this confidence, or question myself, I know to come back here...and, still, if anyone else has any other advice or has been in this kind of situation, please post and I will be checking. It's funny...I found a lot of articles about being "the other woman" and situations about not being picked and trying to move on. I haven't found one success story about being the first pick, and living happily ever after...

[elaine567]

Yes, I am sure. I have been to his apartment numerous times and I have met his family.

 

He give you the whole "gf experience", then he dropped that on you...

This isn't a good start to any relationship, if he can hide this other woman that well when you are dating, then what does that say about him?

 

I get the keeping options open thing, but this just sounds a bit like cheating. He led you to believe one thing was true and then when you forced him into a corner it wasn't true at all. I wonder how long he would have let this go on, had you not asked about exclusivity.

 

Now you need to get an STD test asap.

[IfonlyIknew]

It's easy to see these situations as an outsider, with out any feelings attached. #1 rule, always respect yourself 1st. By him telling you there is another woman, that makes you an "option", not something to fully value in his eyes. In order for him to to see your full worth, you need to show him you don't settle and walk away. If anything that will make him see you as the chase opposed to the other woman who is "there". If he chases you, then the ball is in your court to decide what you want to do.

[Zapbasket]

Alright...I should have known to expect posts stating I can do better, I deserve better, he's a PoS, etc.

 

I have had extremely rotten luck with dating/relationships. I finally thought I found someone who was the perfect match for me...and maybe he would have been, if this other person was not in the picture. Or maybe it's showing his true colors, and I'm finding it out early on. Either way, it is just hard for me to have my hopes set so high for the first time for someone (I have never gotten attached this quickly), and to have those hopes let down so quickly. There are certain things we did in that short amount of time that I had not experienced with anyone else..and I'm not talking about sex. Things with a lot more meaning than that.

 

I hate living with what ifs, or regrets, or maybes. Hell, at this point I don't even know if he'll reach out. Maybe he'll disappear. If he disappears, I won't wonder "what if," because I'll know his choice. If he reaches out, at least he'll be decent enough to let me know.

 

I read an article about a man who waited too long to pick between two women, so he ended up losing the both of them. I am going to be realistic with myself and give myself until the end of the day today - If I do not hear from him, he's lost me. I know that may sound ridiculous to not just try to move on right now, compared to everything you all have said and what I have said. But I am just trying to be honest with myself - I know my emotions. This is the last shot.

 

Thank you. If I lose this confidence, or question myself, I know to come back here...and, still, if anyone else has any other advice or has been in this kind of situation, please post and I will be checking. It's funny...I found a lot of articles about being "the other woman" and situations about not being picked and trying to move on. I haven't found one success story about being the first pick, and living happily ever after...

 

I know this is hard to hold to when you're swayed by strong hopes and emotion, but regardless of how good things have felt up to a certain point, the RIGHT person for you long-term will be able to meet baseline standards for courtesy, respect, and consistency. Also, remember: YOU feel excited and like something great is happening here with this guy; meanwhile HE isn't feeling that same excitement, otherwise there wouldn't be a choice to make as his feelings would already have made it. See? That's important to remember because it's easy to think that because you feel a certain way, the other person must be feeling similarly, when in fact they are not. We all place different values on different things. The first few months of dating are when you are sussing out whether you have similar enough values to continue going forward, and I think you just got a huge indication that you do NOT have that with this guy, despite whatever may have happened to this point. I mean, this is a big deal. It does kind-of cancel out whatever came before. Sorry.

 

The oldest sister of a childhood friend of mine had a dilemma similar to that of this guy. She always was the stable sister of the family--hard-working, loyal, kind, successful: the first female partner in her corporate law firm and avid marathon runner. She started dating two guys at the same time. One on the east coast, and one on the west, where she traveled frequently for work. BOTH relationships continued all the way up to ENGAGEMENT--yes, she had TWO engagement rings and had to remember to switch rings when she was seeing west-coast guy versus east-coast guy. She was so distraught because she knew it was past time to choose, and she sought help from a therapist. With the therapist's help, she realized that the reason she couldn't choose was ultimately because NEITHER man, while both good people with much to offer, was RIGHT FOR HER. She felt she SHOULD be able to settle for one of them, and yet she couldn't, hence her inability to choose. She ended up ending both engagements.

 

And, let me add: she ended both engagements without ever telling either guy about the other one. Because at that point, it wasn't about "the other guy"; it was about neither being right for her. She knew what she did was wrong, and felt awful about it for many years, but she at least spared them the horror of knowing that through both relationships, there was someone else.

 

The moral of this story being that when someone is READY and the other person is the RIGHT ONE, there isn't a "choice" that has to be made.

 

I'd not wait until tonight. I'd send him a brief email saying you enjoyed getting to know him but you aren't keen on being put on hold to be "chosen," or not.

 

Otherwise you're sitting and waiting, no matter how you cut it, and how can any relationship be good that starts out with such indignity to one party?

 

Yes, you can do better!

[ReadySetGo123]

Here is my next question...

 

Should I try to move on, while there is still the possibility of him reaching out to me to at least let me know "who he picks"?

 

Or should I call him, and tell him to forget it?

[Zapbasket]

Here is my next question...

 

Should I try to move on, while there is still the possibility of him reaching out to me to at least let me know "who he picks"?

 

Or should I call him, and tell him to forget it?

 

Read my advice at the bottom of the previous page.

 

Tell him to forget it.

[kmack513]

Here is my next question...

 

Should I try to move on, while there is still the possibility of him reaching out to me to at least let me know "who he picks"?

 

Or should I call him, and tell him to forget it?

 

Don't call him. All of this came up on Friday? As it stands now you want exclusive, he is not sure. Ball is in his court, if when he calls again it us up to you.

[ReadySetGo123]

I know this is hard to hold to when you're swayed by strong hopes and emotion, but regardless of how good things have felt up to a certain point, the RIGHT person for you long-term will be able to meet baseline standards for courtesy, respect, and consistency. Also, remember: YOU feel excited and like something great is happening here with this guy; meanwhile HE isn't feeling that same excitement, otherwise there wouldn't be a choice to make as his feelings would already have made it. See? That's important to remember because it's easy to think that because you feel a certain way, the other person must be feeling similarly, when in fact they are not. We all place different values on different things. The first few months of dating are when you are sussing out whether you have similar enough values to continue going forward, and I think you just got a huge indication that you do NOT have that with this guy, despite whatever may have happened to this point. I mean, this is a big deal. It does kind-of cancel out whatever came before. Sorry.

 

The oldest sister of a childhood friend of mine had a dilemma similar to that of this guy. She always was the stable sister of the family--hard-working, loyal, kind, successful: the first female partner in her corporate law firm and avid marathon runner. She started dating two guys at the same time. One on the east coast, and one on the west, where she traveled frequently for work. BOTH relationships continued all the way up to ENGAGEMENT--yes, she had TWO engagement rings and had to remember to switch rings when she was seeing west-coast guy versus east-coast guy. She was so distraught because she knew it was past time to choose, and she sought help from a therapist. With the therapist's help, she realized that the reason she couldn't choose was ultimately because NEITHER man, while both good people with much to offer, was RIGHT FOR HER. She felt she SHOULD be able to settle for one of them, and yet she couldn't, hence her inability to choose. She ended up ending both engagements.

 

And, let me add: she ended both engagements without ever telling either guy about the other one. Because at that point, it wasn't about "the other guy"; it was about neither being right for her. She knew what she did was wrong, and felt awful about it for many years, but she at least spared them the horror of knowing that through both relationships, there was someone else.

 

The moral of this story being that when someone is READY and the other person is the RIGHT ONE, there isn't a "choice" that has to be made.

 

I'd not wait until tonight. I'd send him a brief email saying you enjoyed getting to know him but you aren't keen on being put on hold to be "chosen," or not.

 

Otherwise you're sitting and waiting, no matter how you cut it, and how can any relationship be good that starts out with such indignity to one party?

 

Yes, you can do better!

 

I apologize - I didn't see your response before I posted, asking if I should call or not.

 

Thank you for writing all of this. Reading that experience was eye-opening..It's still all hard to hear. But this thread has been more helpful than just reading other threads/articles with similar situations, because I was able to say my exact situation and hear responses about it directly.

 

Like I said, I've had really terrible luck with guys...But I guess the first step to finally finding the right person is to call things off with this guy. And to do it before he possibly calls and tells me he picks me, and it throws me totally off-guard.

[ReadySetGo123]

Don't call him. All of this came up on Friday? As it stands now you want exclusive, he is not sure. Ball is in his court, if when he calls again it us up to you.

 

So, at least now that I feel more confidence in this situation, and I'm seeing mixed reactions about reaching out or not...

 

If I do not reach out to him, and the ball is still in his court, is it okay if I go on dates with other people, if the opportunity comes up? Or will I be pulling a move similar to what he is doing? I don't want to limit myself to someone who could be holding me back.

[IfonlyIknew]

You can either let your silence speak for you, let him wonder.

 

Or you can text him "hey xx, I wanted to let you know I've enjoyed your company over the last month, I wish you the best!" No explanation needed. YOU choose. not HIM.

[Redhead14]

Here is my next question...

 

Should I try to move on, while there is still the possibility of him reaching out to me to at least let me know "who he picks"?

 

Or should I call him, and tell him to forget it?

 

Personally, I would not reach out to him for any reason and just sit back and observe. The fact is he may not reach out to you at all, which will give you your answer anyway.

 

If he calls you, you tell him you've moved on. To me that is about taking the control back from him. Let him come to you, then tell him you're out even if he says he's "chosen" you . . .

[eightytwenty]

I sort of had the same situation.

 

 

My boyfriend now still had a ex hanging around that he messed with, took on dates. I think it was the beginning on March. We met at a bar in Feb and I lived 8 hours away. March I drove the miles and stayed with him for a weekend. It was a awesome amazing weekend. He had to walk outside for a phone call to keep the ex away. I just thought she was crazy.

 

 

He got distant, for about a month. We kept in contact just seeing how each other was doing or whatever. I got tired of the small talk so I asked him what he was planning on doing. He said he was scared of getting into a relationship because how far away we were from each other, and that would eventually mean someone would move. Of course, I said lets just have fun and see where it goes. Kept small talking ( I was in the middle of a divorce). He finally came out and said. Let's see where this goes.

 

 

Second time I flew, again stayed the weekend, we had a blast and what not. While I was there, I asked what the other reasons were for the distance. He said he was still involved with his ex and he sort of had to choose and get rid of her.

 

 

I went nosing through his phone one night, found that she found some of my items, and saw that he hide her flat iron, which I saw and sort of knew what was going on.

 

 

Almost 2 years later, we have a kiddo and leaving with me.

 

 

If he would of told me, he needed to choose before he did choose, I would of had a problem with it. I would have left, I'm not ever going to be a side chick, I'm worth being with someone that loves me.

 

 

So for me, if I was in that situation. I would tell him. Its me or her, you get a choice now. If you can't decide I'm moving on, because basically this is a waste of my time.

[hippychick3]

So, at least now that I feel more confidence in this situation, and I'm seeing mixed reactions about reaching out or not...

 

If I do not reach out to him, and the ball is still in his court, is it okay if I go on dates with other people, if the opportunity comes up? Or will I be pulling a move similar to what he is doing? I don't want to limit myself to someone who could be holding me back.

 

Of course it's okay to date others. You should. You're not in any kind of exclusive relationship with this guy (and I would not want to be at this point regardless of his decision).

 

You're single. Don't call him, don't text him, don't send smoke signals...move on. Go out and have fun and find the guy who makes you his first and only choice.

[Zapbasket]

Personally, I would not reach out to him for any reason and just sit back and observe. The fact is he may not reach out to you at all, which will give you your answer anyway.

 

If he calls you, you tell him you've moved on. To me that is about taking the control back from him. Let him come to you, then tell him you're out even if he says he's "chosen" you . . .

 

Yes, but it sounds like the OP might be too attracted to him to turn him down if he says he wants her.

 

I think it should be less about taking the control back from him, and more about taking control over that desire to be "picked."

[ReadySetGo123]

Yes, but it sounds like the OP might be too attracted to him to turn him down if he says he wants her.

 

I think it should be less about taking the control back from him, and more about taking control over that desire to be "picked."

 

I do feel very out of control in this situation...and I very much dislike that feeling. I don't even know why people need to wait things out. There really isn't days-worth of knowledge to figure out.

[elaine567]

That was on Friday, it is now Monday, he is not exactly rushing to persuade that it is YOU he truly wants is he?

Don't do anything.

YOU are obviously not his first choice or perhaps he just doesn't do "exclusive" at all.

[kmack513]

So, at least now that I feel more confidence in this situation, and I'm seeing mixed reactions about reaching out or not...

 

If I do not reach out to him, and the ball is still in his court, is it okay if I go on dates with other people, if the opportunity comes up? Or will I be pulling a move similar to what he is doing? I don't want to limit myself to someone who could be holding me back.

 

If another asks you out, sure go ahead. It has only been a couple of days though.

[Redhead14]

I do feel very out of control in this situation...and I very much dislike that feeling. I don't even know why people need to wait things out. There really isn't days-worth of knowledge to figure out.

 

You feel out of control because you're allowing him to decide what happens with your life. He is very presumptuous to even think you'd be sitting around waiting things out with him.

 

I don't advocate calling him. Calling him now shows that you have been thinking about this and hoping, waiting just like he assumed you would.

 

And, if you call him and say you're moving on, he'll probably just say, "fine, I picked the other girl anyway" . . .

 

Calling him is a lose/lose. Sitting back, actually moving on and showing him you weren't waiting is better IMO.

[kendahke]

Do you ever wonder "what if"?

 

No. That's called "torturing yourself".

 

There is no "what if" here. He doesn't want to make up his mind. Waiting him out in hopes that he will pick you is really unwise. Here's the thing: if you were all that to him, chick #2 wouldn't be in the picture and he would have said "RSG, let's do this". If he's telling you he can't choose, it's because chick #2 hasn't told him yet that she wants to be with him exclusively. Just like you're holding out for him, he's holding out for her and her answer.

 

If you're amenable to him sampling the both of you, sexually even, then keep with this.

[xxoo]

I do feel very out of control in this situation...and I very much dislike that feeling. I don't even know why people need to wait things out. There really isn't days-worth of knowledge to figure out.

 

Control is in your reach. Reject this situation.

 

He is not who you want him to be.

[smackie9]

I doubt he had any intention of "choosing"..........

[Sunkissedpatio]

Personally, knowing what you just found out, it if were me I would bow out and say "Well thank you for letting me know about this situation but there is no way I could allow myself to continue to date you knowing there is someone else in the picture" And I would make the decision for him. You are only out of control if you let him decided, then of course it is entirely up to him and no, there is nothing you can do to be the better woman he chooses.

 

As you said, this is not a Bachelor episode that he gets to take both ladies out on a dream date and then spend the night and meet the parents for the final rose. LOL Wake up dude!

 

I get that you feel you met your ideal man, but think of this. Your ideal man doesn't date you for a month while he dates another woman and falls for both unable to decide which to choose. If you are both on the same level of appeal to him then he sounds pretty flaky. Is that really your ideal man?

 

The chances of him meeting two women who are perfectly compatible, same level of attraction and same level of emotional appeal are slim to none. It's hard enough for us to meet one person like that (you said it yourself with what is happening to you with him) let alone two women of equal everything.

[Shining One]

A few people are throwing the word "love" around. OP, has love come up at all in conversations with this man? Speaking for myself, I don't fall in love with a woman (or two) after only a month or so of dating.

[imaginarium]

I dated a guy for 2 months and then found out he was also still talking to his "crazy" ex. We weren't exclusive at that point, but when I found out I got mad, especially because she already had a long term boyfriend (they dated for 3 years but had been broken up 4 years when unmet him), so I demanded either exclusivity or I walk.

 

He chose me. His ex sent me this very vicious note about how he was saying things behind my back to her, have fun with him, etc.

 

Guess what? He was a grade A jerk who screwed with my head for 4 years on and off and took me another 4 to get over. Wish he would have chosen her...

 

I'd say walk away. He could have found a way to make this decision without putting you through the discomfort, but he likes the power I would guess. That will manifest in other ways later if you end up being "chosen."