How should I go about this mess?

[lostandfound81]

Hello,

I guess I feel really desperate about my current situation and will try to expose it as briefly as possible.

 

I was dating a guy in a long distance relationship (living in 2 different European countries), which lasted about 18 months before he told me it couldn't last any longer, blaming the distance as the problem although I suspect he has big commitment issues (we are both in our +30s and he never got married, no kids... you may call him a rolling stone). Anyway the distance issue seemed bogus to me since I had been planning to move to his country in the future.

 

Since then he never really stopped getting in touch with me though, texting me and calling me very regularly (daily basis), as he claimed he was not sure of his decision at the time and still wanted me in his life as friend. I probably made a mistake keeping in touch as well, but since he kept blowing hot and cold, I figured maybe he would change his mind.

 

I can say I probably haven't handled the situation too well, as I've been quite hurt and on an emotional rollercoaster, I am probably guilty of appearing clingy, saying goodbye a million times but failing at NC after a few days, trying to bargain, making jealous etc... I realize I have been a mess. And over time I realize he's grown more and more distant and cold.

 

The tricky part in all this, is that he's been wanting to come over and see me ever since he broke up and has planned to do it end of December. I accepted at that point, because part of me is still hoping for a change of mind, and part of me is curious to see how he is going to act in front of me. It is hard for me to move on, as I am not dealing with an ex who made a clean break, but instead seems to keep all of his options open (he even recently joined a dating site...).

 

I guess I need your POV regarding a few things...

 

1) Should I go NC? If so, for how long? I would like to give it a try at least until he shows up in 2 months but I am afraid this is just going to make him grow even more distant, as it seemed to happen after my previous attempts (like he stopped temporarily initiating contact because he got no reply...). On the other hand, keeping in touch does not help me feel better about myself I guess...

 

2) What do you think is his motivation for coming all the way here to see me ? I figure it is just guilt, as he keeps saying it will be a friendly visit and does not seem willing to reconsider his decision. But then, isn't it going through a lot of trouble just to ease one's conscience?

 

3) Would you even bother meeting the person at all in my case? Part of me thinks it is hopeless, the other part does not want to regret rejecting this opportunity later on.

 

I feel so bad and desperate, thanks in advance for any help you can give me.

[Toodaloo]

I don't think long distance was the "excuse" I think it was the problem.

 

Long distance never works out. Unless one person up sticks and does something about it. "Eventually" is not specific. Its a general oh well when I get round to it...

 

Relationships need that physical contact. Relationships need that day to day blocked plug holes and squeezing the toothpaste from the middle type behaviour to "cement".

 

Sounds to me as though he was very attached to you but recognised reality. So is trying to do the right thing.

 

Right now you need to cut contact. If it makes it easier cut it down so for a week only respond to emails, messages etc the following day. Then ease it off more and more until you are not in contact any more.

 

Go no contact for as long as it takes.

 

Do not let him come and stay in 2 months. It will only be a "good bye" shag and spend time together before you do actually slit so may as well get on with it and do it now.

[lostandfound81]

I don't think long distance was the "excuse" I think it was the problem.

 

Long distance never works out. Unless one person up sticks and does something about it. "Eventually" is not specific. Its a general oh well when I get round to it...

 

I agree with this, however I had precise plans to move to his country, it was not a "let's do this maybe someday" kind of situation... I was determined and ready to take the necessary steps...

 

Do not let him come and stay in 2 months. It will only be a "good bye" shag and spend time together before you do actually slit so may as well get on with it and do it now.

 

Well, we would be meeting in a neutral place. I made it clear there would be no sex involved and he seems fine with that. I just don't know how I am supposed to behave in general...

[stillafool]

Did he ask you to come over and visit or did you ask him? What did he say when you said no sex would be involved?

[lostandfound81]

Did he ask you to come over and visit or did you ask him? What did he say when you said no sex would be involved?

 

It was his request. He only stressed the fact that it would be a friendly visit (= I should not get my hopes up). So I immediately said there would be no sex and he confirmed there would not be.

 

We will not be meeting in the city where I live, so the plan is to sleep in separate places.

 

This is such an awkward situation... makes no damn sense to me.

[ExpatInItaly]

It was his request. He only stressed the fact that it would be a friendly visit (= I should not get my hopes up). So I immediately said there would be no sex and he confirmed there would not be.

 

We will not be meeting in the city where I live, so the plan is to sleep in separate places.

 

This is such an awkward situation... makes no damn sense to me.

 

I really don't think this is a good idea.

 

He broke up with you. He can find another place to visit.

 

If you go ahead and meet him anyway, imagine how hard it will be to say "well, see you later..." when he leaves. And he still wants to be just friends, even after spending a fun couple days together. I think you're going to find this very difficult. I wouldn't go for it.

[stillafool]

It was his request. He only stressed the fact that it would be a friendly visit (= I should not get my hopes up). So I immediately said there would be no sex and he confirmed there would not be.

 

We will not be meeting in the city where I live, so the plan is to sleep in separate places.

 

This is such an awkward situation... makes no damn sense to me.

 

What is the purpose of this meeting? To say good-bye? It's too much work for me; I'd say good-bye by phone and be done with it.

[lostandfound81]

What is the purpose of this meeting? To say good-bye? It's too much work for me; I'd say good-bye by phone and be done with it.

 

You mean as a dumper or as a dumpee?

[stillafool]

As a dumpee! You are going to go through all of that just to say good-bye to someone who has already told you it's over? Girl, tell him to f-off! Seriously?! In my experience the only reason a guy wants to say good bye after a break up is to hopefully get sex one more time.

 

And, also as a dumper I wouldn't want to put the dumpee through all of that hassle just to dump them.

[lostandfound81]

As a dumpee! You are going to go through all of that just to say good-bye to someone who has already told you it's over? Girl, tell him to f-off! Seriously?! In my experience the only reason a guy wants to say good bye after a break up is to hopefully get sex one more time.

 

And, also as a dumper I wouldn't want to put the dumpee through all of that hassle just to dump them.

 

I am actually curious to see how he's going to react once in front of me. Because I think it is easy to act cold and indifferent at a distance, and I want to see if he is still so sure of his decision once he's in front of me.

 

Fact is, he's been giving me lots of mixed signals. No later than about a month ago he suggested that me moving there would have been the only solution and seemed willing to give it a shot if I were to actually do it (only to give me more confusing signals yesterday but that's another story i guess...).

 

Maybe I am just being stupid, I don't know. I feel lost... like no matter what I do I am just making a mistake

[Satu]

This relationship is neither dead nor alive.

 

Its 'undead.'

 

For some reason, neither of you have been able to let go, even though its (technically) over.

 

So you're in limbo and not enjoying that state.

 

You need to either:

 

1. Bring the relationship back to life, with full recommitment from both parties, or

 

2. Properly finish it, once and for all.

 

You can only influence your part of it, so you need to get really clear about what you want.

 

Honestly speaking, I don't think the 'friends' thing will work out.

 

 

Here's a poem for you:

 

 

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

—ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

 

 

Take care.

[lostandfound81]

Thank you, Satu. The poem really says it all.

 

I wish I knew which road to take. He closed up so much it is nearly impossible to even discuss the matter with him. I don't understand why he wants to see me if it's over. I don't even know what we'll do once he gets there. Or how to act in front of him.

 

Everything I do feels wrong. I don't know where the limit is between trying to work things out and fighting for a hopeless cause.

[lostandfound81]

Well, I am back here, I intend on using this thread from now on as some kind of NC journal or something like that.

 

We did not meet in December as planned but we did last week and spent a few days together. It went great, I mean he treated me like usual, being affectionate and such, although we did not have sex.

 

But now I am back to square one, i am back home, he's back to his place, and that's about it. My plans to move to his country are developing, I cannot move right now because I have some things to sort out here first, but I still want to make it happen in the coming months. Of course it won't happen overnight, I need to find a job etc but that's more a matter of time than a matter of will.

 

So what's the problem? Well, while he's kept telling me throughout our relationship that distance was the problem, the fact that I am more and more determined to move closer does not seem to make any difference to him. He does not encourage me, does not discourage me, does not plan anything, does not take a specific interest in my plan... he does not get involved in any way. Granted I don't intend on moving to the city where he lives (for a bunch of reasons) and so I would still be somewhat distant, but that should be encouraging. All I see is a kind of indifference.

 

So today I said it would be better to stop contacting each other. From what he told me I guess he would have prefered to keep in touch, said it was going to be tough on him to completely stop talking to me, that he misses me but that he would respect my decision etc.

 

I don't understand the passivity. Which is why I doubt that distance was the only reason for pulling away. There is no desire, as far as I can tell, to even work on the issue with me. He doesn't reject me, he doesn't seem to really want me either. That's why I decided to go NC for good. I feel like I have nothing to lose.

 

I still want to move there regardless of the state of our relationship, for other personal reasons. I want to carry on with my plans. But I feel like I must cut him off, mostly because I think I don't really have the choice.

 

Not sure how I will find the strength to do it, or if I am doing the right thing, his attitude is confusing me.

 

So anyway, I will try to post here something on a daily basis, mostly to vent... Your encouragements and comments are welcome