On the verge of breaking up with GF

[curious0ne]

I am seriously contemplating (and currently procrastinating) about breaking up with my GF. We have been together 1.5 years. It is not the first time I have been on the verge of doing this, infact almost did it at 12 mths, 15 mths and now issues have come up again making me question whether we should be together or not.

 

We first met online, both are divorced and have children to past marriages. She is 7 years older than me. Our children are all similar age and get along fairly well.

 

Where the problems start is that she is very insecure, jealous, suspicious and untrusting (without reason). Even to the point where she cannot understand me having a very amicable and positive co-parenting arrangement with my ex-wife. She has a lot of problems with depression and motivation.

 

Our relationship started off strong and after about the 1 year mark things changed and went backwards, from being more serious to now being more casual. Due to our parenting commitments we are lucky to see each other 1 or 2 nights per week. A few months ago she moved back in with her parents for a 12 month period, which has really changed the dynamics. I can't go over to her place anymore, and often she does not want to hang out or meet together as often as she feels obligated to be home for dinner and things like that (despite being a 40 year old woman).

 

I have raised this with her and she just comes up with excuses or puts it back to me to organise specific things and line them up with her (why is it my job all the time?) - yet then she complains that she feels she isn't in a position to demand any of my time and I'm too busy, so she is completely available and will just wait for me to make the plans.

 

Since she got divorced (which was her choice to leave her husband), she has struggled with being motivated, is very lost career-wise - currently only working part time...for the past year we have spoke about her career goals and I have tried to help and motivate her but no change has happened in the last year. My ex-wife had mental illness, and career problems, and I see these things surfacing and it scares me to think that she could end up being very similar to my ex.

 

She does have a lot of good traits, she's a great cook, great with my kids, very easy going (a lot of the time), she is very loyal and has stuck by me when dealing with some dark times and when extremely busy with work commitments, we [did] have a lot of fun together, good intimacy.

 

I know all of this post is just one-sided but the things frustrating me the most are her 'demands' and general attitude/level of maturity- wanting to know where I am, when I will be back at my house, who am I out drinking with (colleagues), I use my phone too much, I am too close to my ex, I just feel she is so quick to judge/boss me around yet I try to let little things slide and not get hung up on the small detail.

 

6 months ago I told her I loved her, she didn't say it back - which is OK..given we have both been through messy separations, I gave her the keys to my house which she takes advantage of and lets herself in, but at the time when she was living alone she didn't do the same either. I guess I am still a bit hurt she didn't reciprocate.

 

I guess in all of this I am not raising too many 'major issues' but when and how do you decide that enough is enough? I have just lost all energy in fighting for us to continue on and we have been having a lot of fights lately where we have major disagreements then don't talk to each other for up to a week at a time which is not healthy. In the past we would even break up make up (which we stopped doing as it was not healthy).

 

The things stopping me from breaking up is that we have spent 1.5 years together forming this relationship, our kids are going to be cross-fire and upset, I gave up a lot in moving to her area, sending my kids to the same school, etc to give this my all, now if we break up I will be living in a suburb that means nothing to me otherwise.. etc. What if we could've made it work? Have I given up a good thing? I also feel that she has stuck by me and been loyal and now that 'cracks are appearing' I am being a bit of a coward just giving up instead of sticking things out like she did with me.

 

Sorry for the long post

[Toodaloo]

Seems to me that you have been thinking about this a lot. Which to my mind makes me think that regardless of what you write the fact is you want to break up and you are finding it all too much. Reading what you have written I think that your opinion is that while she is a decent person you can't imagine a long term relationship with her and you are not wanting to commit. Its got to s*** or get off the pot time and you want off the pot.

 

So I think you need to sit her down in neutral territory and tell her.

 

Its not going to be easy. It never is. But I think the sooner you do it the better for you all. If you carry on dithering it will just feed your resentment (which is starting to set in whether you like it or not) and you will end up having a blistering row at the most inconvenient time which would be far worse than quietly sitting down.

[EveryWomanJ2911]

This sounds like a tough situation. I'm sorry things have been so confusing, exhausting, and depressing for you. Relationships are not easy to define when there are no definitions, and by that I mean cohabitation without wedding documentation. In a relationship you need healthy boundaries. When you both merged your lives together by moving to be together, changing schools for the kids, etc. things were going in a good direction as there was forward momentum. Now, it seems as if things have stalled due to a lack of forward motion. Not living together isn't conducive to a relationship, and in fact sets it up for failure, unless there is a common goal in mind-ie marriage. At the end of the day a couple needs to know that they will be on the same page/have security, despite their differences and arguments. Moving in together just doesn't cut it, as you have already seen that moving out can null that decision easily enough.

 

You need to have something that cements you together legally and morally, or else its over before its begun, and was just another fling. If you both want it to work out, have a discussion to move towards that and you can save this relationship, if you both want it. If you both are not on board with that, then its probably time to move on and start the healing process. And, in the future, understand that a couple needs to have the same values/beliefs to sustain a long term relationship. Otherwise, this is likely to happen again, because after the "new" has worn off there is really nothing holding two people together...and either person can leave at any given time. There's no security or solid foundation in that is there?

 

*FYI-Women typicaly see moving in together as a step towards marriage, when men typically see it as a replacement for marriage. So, after a year it might be that your woman gave up and started distancing herself from you to protect herself, despite wanting to be with you and being jealous of you living without her, or not needing her. You might explore this angle if you want to save things with her...

 

Blessings and Peace to you Friend!