Angry Girlfriend

[joseb]

However, I never make a life changing decision on the spot or without putting some thought into it.

 

I'm sure I'll come to a logical conclusion in the next day or so.

 

Well if really is a day or two that's fine.

But I know guys who have been in similar situations, and didn't want to rush a decision, and it was never the right time. And they are still in this situation 5 or 10 years later.

[AMJ]

I couldn't even finish reading your OP, because reading about your GF was so frustrating. I had a roommate who was like this- her room always looked like a bomb just went off. She had an eating disorder and pretty severe emotional issues as well, was a really unstable person. When you said "clear a path" to the closet right away I pictured her room. Ugh, so gross. I'm guessing when you guys lived together, you just cleaned up after her all the time, so you never realized what a complete slob she is? The things she said to you in your conversation are absolutely horrible things to say to anyone, let alone a significant other.

 

You seem like such a logical and kind person- why is it guys like you always end up with completely crazy women?

[RecentChange]

Unfortunately, I'm very familiar with BPD, for everyone mentioning that.

 

My last girlfriend put me through the absolute wringer. She was ultimately committed and diagnosed with BPD. At that time I broke up with her.

 

Well, perhaps then you should take a look in the mirror and question why you are attracted to emotionally unstable women who are abusive / full of outbursts?

 

To be committed for BPD is pretty extreme - yes it does take on various forms - from your description many here heard all the alarm bells.

 

Insulting you like she did was a big indicator - I would NEVER allow someone to speak to me like that, mental illness or not.

 

Why do you go back for more abuse? Why do you accept being disrespected? Do you not find this pattern very troublesome?

 

You have not a loving partnership - why do you settle for this?

 

What was your relationship with your parents like?

[aileD]

She's a hoarder and that is a mental illness. It's not your fault she flipped out.

 

Id you want to stay with her, tread lightly and do some research on how best to deal with hoarders. She probably has some trauma in her past that caused this.

[LostOnes05]

She'll reach out again. She can't help it. She has to know that you're still there and willing to talk to her, even if it's an argument. Why? These types of people fear abandonment. Ignoring her would crush her more than any curse word you could ever hurl at her. From what I experienced with a woman with BPD, she may indeed have Narcissistic personality disorder or both who knows.

 

Being in a relationship with a person like this is akin to being saved while hanging off a cliff, but with a catch. As they pull you up with a rope you see them simultaneously taking a dull knife and cutting it, thread by thread. When you see this you work frantically to get closer to them and pull yourself up. Just when you think you're close to the top, they let go of the rope. You start to fall and as soon as you accept your fate they grab the rope and begin pulling you back up again. Except this time the rope is a few threads thinner and you start questioning if you really saw what you saw. They seem desperate to get you back up on the top with them, but they are noticeably more annoyed the closer you get. When you get closer you see the same thing...they're dragging the knife across the threads.

 

They repeat this until eventually the rope severs and you fall. On your way down you can hear them blaming you for the rope breaking, seemingly forgetting that they were the one cutting it. You only come to your senses during the fall (end of the relationship) and realize it was over the minute they ran the blade across the threads the first time. At least that was my experience.

Edited October 26, 2016 by LostOnes05

[jstar845]

I’m sorry that this happened to you. I see you were kind to give your time to help your girlfriend’s sister clean her room. I can see that you did nothing wrong. Sometimes we can go out of our way to help the ones we care about and they don’t appreciate the help. I see that you responded to your girlfriend’s sister with a plan and she didn’t hear you and later was upset; because she thought you weren’t listening to her. It seems that she may have already had some things on her mind. I see you didn’t deserve this response. You’ll clearly a strong person and of good character as you remained calm in the situation. It seems that your girlfriend didn’t understand what happened and supported her sister. I’m wondering if you have thought about maybe giving your girlfriend and her sister some time before you try to explain to her again that you heard and responded to her question.

 

 

Best Wishes!

[Popsicle]

Now that I've read all your updates, I think this R is doomed. Why? Because you refuse to change into what she wants and she refuses to change into what you want. You both think you deserve what you deserve and you're just waiting for the other to prove it and growing resentful along the way (especially her). This will never end well. I'd not waste more time and end it. These are your good years.

[fromheart]

Unfortunately, I'm very familiar with BPD, for everyone mentioning that.

 

My last girlfriend put me through the absolute wringer. She was ultimately committed and diagnosed with BPD. At that time I broke up with her.

 

I'm sure BPD can take different forms, but I don't think my GF has BPD. It just doesn't seem the same as what I've experienced or know about it. She doesn't have that push-pull of extreme fear of abandonment, while simultaneously pushing me away. In fact after hearing what she said, I'm pretty sure she will welcome me dumping her.

 

I've thought for a long time she has anger management issues more than anything - she holds grudges, her "fuse" is extremely short, and when she goes into angry-mode she says a lot of things that she claims she doesn't mean... but not always. There are plenty of times she says she does mean it and won't take it back. When she isn't angry, she is a pretty well adjusted adult overall. Just seeing this kinda stuff a lot... well, I think she has anger management issues more than anything. Not that it's a good thing, either.

 

As far as breaking up with her - well, it's certainly not off the table. I am having a lot of difficulty thinking about the things she said... in fact, it's making me see her differently. However, I never make a life changing decision on the spot or without putting some thought into it.

 

I'm sure I'll come to a logical conclusion in the next day or so.

 

Your saying she has anger management issues.

 

Maybe she's just not a nice person?

[stillafool]

I agree she is just not a nice person, all else aside. I hope you decide to end this relationship because you seem like a nice guy who deserves so much better. If you dump this loser you will be free to find a girl who appreciates you and give you the relationship you deserve. You don't owe this girl anything but a good-bye.

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP

 

Sorry for your situation. My immediate reaction is to council get the hell out of there and never go back - but I've been in a similar situation so my view may be skewed - but let's see.

 

 

First off - the hoarding thing is not the issue. As I suspected from reading on pages 1,2,3 until you posted about her explosion and "truth" telling on the phone - the whole episode in her room isn't about her stuff.

 

Second - I'm not sure most people on here are qualified psychiatrists - she may have BPD but it's not the issue here. And, it's not an excuse.

 

Third - the basics come down to this - unless you're lying or are a smooth writer - you've presented a situation where you are calm, caring, and to a more or lesser extent - a decent partner. She had come flat out and said you're beneath her and not worthy of her and that you've ruined her life. Regardless of why she said that or that she has "anger issues" - that totally disrespects you and immediately cancels the relationship between you. Anything she says now will be either to further prove it's all YOUR fault...or if the fear of being alone strikes her more than wanting to show off to family or friends that she's the victim....then it will all be meaningless and shallow attempts to undo what she just did.

 

I will say this - I've met a lot of people in my life, dated some people, and were friends with some people (and some family members) - who had various problems with accepting life, life's challenges, and the fact that they may not be where they thought they would be at a given time or didn't accomplish what they set out to do. There's only 1 president at a time, only 1 VP, only 500 ceos of fortune 500, etc. So most people don't end up great "successes" if you look at it from a typical 21st century American viewpoint. Further, she could not even be upset that she's not the CEO and billionaire of a great tech company - whatever is causing it - she's deeply unrooted, very selfish (as many people pointed out), and very ungrateful.

 

I would advise a definite pause at least - to give yourself time to think through things, to spend some time on yourself, and to figure out your next steps. That said, I would still caution you and do not let anything she says or does influence your decision one way or the other. This is now all up to you and how you feel. (For example - if you feel like this wasn't truly her but something happened and she acts like she wants to get back together - you need to set ground rules. If she truly loves you and it wasn't her - she'll oblige. If not....there's your answer).

[scooby-philly]

So...after my lengthy reply I felt the urge to share a similar experience I had while dating. OP - if it's not helpful, disregard and move on to the next comment.

 

 

Met a women summer 2014. Overnight camping/hiking trip. I was 33 at the time, she was 38. We ended up sleeping together. Next day - do second part of hike - stay to the back to make out. I drove a person home who had come up with me for the weekend - head to her place, we sleep together again. She was physically attractive to me and we had great physical chemistry. Second week or so - she starts messaging me on FB during the day. I work a typical 9-5 type of job. I'm not typically on social media during that time unless I'm bored or during lunch. She flips out b/c I wasn't responding. I told her why. Didn't seem to satisfy her. That was sign #1. After that and some other crap I told her I didn't want to see her ever again...I let her talk me into meeting....she does the whole crying, "why can't I be happy" routine. I fall for it. That was sign #3. We were good for 2-3 months but then another explosion. To make a long story short - I was with this woman for 1 whole year. Dumped money into her side business which I lost after we split - she was an immigrant so I stupidly paid for a trip we took back to her home country.....and she was also tons of money in debt. When I met her family - her parents were just as you described your GF's - as much as I like to blame them for raising a selfish, manupulative brat - which they did - they also suffered from her and had that same reaction....like they knew what was coming. I watched her trash her own kitchen in rage, brag that all of her "friends" would have helped her move "I volunteered about 5-6 weeks after we met" - but folks I know through the club we met in all realize the same thing - she's fun to spend time with but isn't someone you build a relationship with". That's why I'd advise you to run away. There's no changing them at this point once they're adults.

[niji]

I've thought for a long time she has anger management issues more than anything - she holds grudges, her "fuse" is extremely short, and when she goes into angry-mode she says a lot of things that she claims she doesn't mean... but not always. There are plenty of times she says she does mean it and won't take it back. When she isn't angry, she is a pretty well adjusted adult overall. Just seeing this kinda stuff a lot... well, I think she has anger management issues more than anything. Not that it's a good thing, either.

 

Wow OP, this sounds like my ex-friend (we're both females). Especially the part, "When she isn't angry, she is a pretty well adjusted adult overall". So well-adjusted that aside from me and two other friends, who used to live in the same house with her (as well as with me, that made it 4 of us), nobody else in our circle knows about this. Hell, if I didn't become a "close friend" I would never have known, in fact for the first 6 months or so being friend with her I thought we could have been BFF. But then when we got too close, it was clear she had issues, possibly a need for self validation, which boggled me because she was pretty, smart, social, basically what others would view as the perfectly balanced, well-rounded person. After a summer of being around her 24/7, I realized she liked to seek attention and also had dramatic bouts of tears for no reason (calling someone else she just met her best friend, then argued with that person and said she hated that person, etc). I started to doubt my feelings for her starting then, but it wasn't until she got mad at the 3 of us over something trivial (not immediately helping her with cleaning up the toilet at 8AM on a Sunday when we were barely awake), said we were stabbing her in the back, betraying her, etc. over the TIMING of cleaning the toilet. We all thought it was ridiculous, she had the silent treatment for us for 1 week or so, but then came around and said she just had too high of expectations (like your GF, she seems to think she's the epitome of empathy and considerate behaviors) and reconciled with us. My feelings about friendship with her were done then, it was the most ridiculous thing that ever happened to me, but d/t us living together I kept it civil.

 

About a year ago, she visited me from out of town, I thought she was just visiting for convenience reason (she had another place to go to the day after and my place was midway). I was pretty cold towards her. She didn't tell me anything on the spot, but messaged me 3 days later saying how hurt she was, how I didn't care about her, etc (she was correct, I didn't). I told her she had some issues about needing self validation and needing people to constantly prove themselves. She thanked me for my time and basically said it was over for us. I didn't respond. We're no longer friends - I had no need for dramatic people in my life.

 

I guess my point is, everyone is wondering why OP put up with this seemingly ridiculous woman. Truth is, these people can have phases where they're extremely pleasant to be around, and it's not until they get "triggered" that they get set off on the most ridiculous things (my ex-friend, toilet incident, OP's GF, cleaning room). These are things no one in their right mind would consider serious issues, but to them they are. So OP's GF could have been the perfect GF 80% of the time, and he was willing to put up with the 20% when she was ridiculous. Long-term though OP, there's only so much you can take. Let us know how you're doing.