Author AngryOutbursts Posted October 24, 2016 Author Posted October 24, 2016 This girl is "chaos" personified and now she is "angry chaos" personified. I know you no doubt "love" her but where is this actually going? I think you need to step back and reassess this whole relationship She is building a lot of resentment here and that is not going to go away anytime soon. All this shouting at you, I can assure you, was NOT only about you cleaning her room. I have seen some very messy student accommodation, dirty dishes, books and papers strewn around, clothes on the floor, old takeaway food, beer bottles... but all the ones I have seen would have taken one person about an hour or two of serious work, to clean it up and they never involve "clearing paths", or moving stuff out into the hallway to get some space to work. This is a very serious problem here. Do you really want to have to "clear a path" at home in order to see your kids? Do you really want to spend your life in debt and walking on eggshells? Think about this very carefully. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hope-relationships/201409/the-psychology-behind-hoarding I get what you're saying. She definitely has too much stuff, and I'm not making excuses, but the other side of the coin (in my mind) is that when we lived together she didn't have this issue. Some of it is certainly her avoiding the situation and just being lazy - but the other half is genuinely that she just doesn't have enough space for all her ****. (which, she should just get rid of a lot of it). The room she's in is REALLY small. Her parent's aren't well off. There's definitely something deeper going on here, though. She had a similar issue before we moved out, having a messy room - but it was never this bad. When we moved, she actually cleaned and donated a ton of her old clothes etc. When we lived together, we had enough space it wasn't an issue. We both had walk in closets, etc. So the mess didn't exist. When she moved back home it came back with a force, and yeah, it's bad.
Toodaloo Posted October 24, 2016 Posted October 24, 2016 She has hoarded She does not have the same views as you with regards to money She is being really spoilt and brattish and she can't keep a small room tidy. Get rid for godness sake and start dating grown ups instead of children.
kendahke Posted October 24, 2016 Posted October 24, 2016 (edited) Haven't read through the thread, but did read your first post. I'd be done with her. You saw a glimpse of what your future has in store for you with her should you lose your mind and build a life with her. Hoarder or not--she has demonstrated that she has no respect for you if she talks to you the way you let her. Without respect, you have nothing. Edited October 24, 2016 by kendahke
IfonlyIknew Posted October 24, 2016 Posted October 24, 2016 Holy crap she sounds like a bipolar mental patient on the loose. She seems like she might have other issues going on, that just doesn't seem normal.
blackcat777 Posted October 24, 2016 Posted October 24, 2016 Do you really want to legally bind yourself to this woman and throw a few kids into the mix before you decide enough is a enough? There is nothing healthy about this. Absolutely nothing. And it will only get worse. 2
Els Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Wow. Absolutely terrible. Ditch and run. After that, you need to take a good hard look at yourself and your enabling tendencies. You basically let her stand around and throw a tantrum at you for helping her, and continued to try to do so! IMO when she started dragging her feet with the cleaning, you should've just finished whatever you were planning on doing and let her settle the rest instead of trying to coax and cajole her along. She's not a child, you're not her father. 1
Author AngryOutbursts Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 She sounds like a real piece of work. I've learned that some women just can't accept help and direction, even if they ask. Best thing to do in this instance is to give it a few days and take time away from her to think. Don't reach out until she does and certainly don't help her clean her stuff anymore. She's an adult, she'll get it done or she'll have a messy room. She could be setting you up for a break up too. Everything you do will be wrong or annoying, even when you are clearly right. Just take note of her actions, and if they match her words. If not, prepare yourself. So I think this guy actually hit the nail on the head early in the thread. She reached out to me yesterday and apologized. It seemed very sincere, so I told her I appreciated that. I was late and racing to work, and when I got to work it was super busy. I had a lot of calls to go out to. So she calls me on her way home (usually does) we talk for a bit. Nothing seems off. She asks me how my day is, I said it wasn't too busy (but for me, that's still busy) Later in the convo she's talking about some convo she had with a girlfriend that she wanted to tell me about but throws this line in there "but it seemed like you didn't want to talk earlier, so I didn't tell you earlier" I kinda just ignored it and asked her what the girl said. So she tells me, we finish talking, hang up, everything is "cool". right? wrong. I go back to work. About an hour later she texts me. "why didn't you text me even after I apologized?" Here we go. I know she's picking a fight. So I told her ... I did - I responded and said I appreciated it. She says she meant why didn't I talk to her more than that. So I explain I was busy being late for work, racing out of my house, and then I had a bunch of calls when I got to work - and when I'm on duty I'm not on my personal phone. She knows this. She doesn't accept my answer, just says some sarcastic bull**** about it. I remind her this is nothing new and I ask her why she doesn't believe me. Long story short she calls me... "luckily" things slowed down and I could talk to her, and we get into a mega-argument about the room cleaning incident, that turns into an argument about our entire relationship. She came clean and told me she doesn't respect me, she claims she has gotten NOTHING she wants or needs for 3 years being with me, and that she thinks she is a better person than me. She thinks she's above me. When I asked her why she said it's partially because she's older than me, and partially because she looks down on me because I've been in different places in life compared to her. She said she also just thinks of me as someone who isn't empathetic. Her world is "darker" because she's with me. Apparently I'm a realist and she's not - she said she never saw the world as a dangerous place until she knew me. I kinda retorted that although I was much younger when we met (and just getting into the "real" working world) it's only taken me a couple years to solidify myself and I'm doing much better than she is in business and otherwise... but I don't look down on her, so why should she think she's such a better person than me? She says it's just a "feeling" and the way I approach things compared to her. She paints herself out to be this messiah of understanding and empathy. I told her I thought it was absolutely narcissistic, preposterous, self-absorbed and pretentious. She said she didn't care if she was those things. Then reminded me that she hates me and I piss her off. Just me. Just me being me. So that's where we stand. Haha, man. Why do some women do this kind of stuff? I told her I felt bad for her. Life's too short for that kind of crap. I kept asking her why she hasn't just dumped me if all of that is true. She admits she doesn't know why, but says she has a problem with that. She stayed for years with other boyfriends she didn't want to be with and eventually broke up with. I told her it's because she can't take responsibility for her own actions. 3
GorillaTheater Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Good post, brother. The only thing I didn't see was where you told her to piss up a rope and get lost. 10
Weezy1973 Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Honestly, Google "Borderline Personality Disorder". She is exhibiting many of the symptoms. This is a personality disorder and runs very deep. Why are you still with her? Honest question. 5
rester Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Long story short she calls me... "luckily" things slowed down and I could talk to her, and we get into a mega-argument about the room cleaning incident, that turns into an argument about our entire relationship. She came clean and told me she doesn't respect me, she claims she has gotten NOTHING she wants or needs for 3 years being with me, and that she thinks she is a better person than me. She thinks she's above me. When I asked her why she said it's partially because she's older than me, and partially because she looks down on me because I've been in different places in life compared to her. She said she also just thinks of me as someone who isn't empathetic. Her world is "darker" because she's with me. Apparently I'm a realist and she's not - she said she never saw the world as a dangerous place until she knew me. Wow! I told her I thought it was absolutely narcissistic, preposterous, self-absorbed and pretentious. She said she didn't care if she was those things. Then reminded me that she hates me and I piss her off. Just me. Just me being me. So that's where we stand. Haha, man. Why do some women do this kind of stuff? I told her I felt bad for her. Life's too short for that kind of crap. I kept asking her why she hasn't just dumped me if all of that is true. She admits she doesn't know why, but says she has a problem with that. She stayed for years with other boyfriends she didn't want to be with and eventually broke up with. I told her it's because she can't take responsibility for her own actions. Where do you stand? Did you not completely kick her to the curb after that? I would never speak to her again. Why are you waiting for her to break things off with you? Has she done things like this in the past? I find it hard to believe this is the first problem you've had like this. 3
kendahke Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 (edited) She came clean and told me she doesn't respect me, she claims she has gotten NOTHING she wants or needs for 3 years being with me, and that she thinks she is a better person than me. and at this point, why did you not say "well, if you feel that way, then consider us broken up. Have a nice life", hang up and block her? You allow this conversation to go on way longer than its shelf life warranted. The whole rest of this is irrelevant. Yesterday, I wrote: She has demonstrated that she has no respect for you if she talks to you the way you let her. Without respect, you have nothing. You keep letting her isht all over your esteem--why? If she feels this way about you, why is she even calling you? If she's that much better than you, why is she "dumpster diving" for male attention? Like supposedly attracts like, so what's her problem? Why is she blowing up your phone while you're at work? Because she's a liar and a drama queen. A person who has no respect for you is the last person you need in your life as a primary source of affection and romantic attention. Tell you what: dump her and find out just how much of a better person you then become because you are free of this poisonous influence. Let someone else deal with her mess. Edited October 25, 2016 by kendahke 4
ChickiePops Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 She sounds like a real piece of work. I've learned that some PEOPLE just can't accept help and direction, even if they ask. Best thing to do in this instance is to give it a few days and take time away from her to think. Don't reach out until she does and certainly don't help her clean her stuff anymore. She's an adult, she'll get it done or she'll have a messy room. She could be setting you up for a break up too. Everything you do will be wrong or annoying, even when you are clearly right. Just take note of her actions, and if they match her words. If not, prepare yourself. Fixed that for ya. Being stubborn and not being able to accept help or direction is not gender-specific. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Honestly, Google "Borderline Personality Disorder". She is exhibiting many of the symptoms. This is a personality disorder and runs very deep. Why are you still with her? Honest question. Honestly IT DOES remind me of when my BPD was symptomatic. You can't win. She will " nice you back" just to tell you how much she hates your guts. Typically it's when SHE'S SCREWED-UP too. There's this weird thing I had, when I made a mistake I would paint the other person black and pull out every "fault" they had to justify it. Even if they weren't coming down hard on me. One of those previous behaviours that I didn't like about myself. Now, if I screw-up, I make damn sure to have a hard look at myself first. Maybe too hard... 5
dreamingoftigers Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Fixed that for ya. Being stubborn and not being able to accept help or direction is not gender-specific. Absolutely true And as one of the current Presidential Candidates clearly demonstrates, being blatantly disrespectful doesn't belong to one gender either. 1
joseb Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 (edited) Honestly, Google "Borderline Personality Disorder". She is exhibiting many of the symptoms. This is a personality disorder and runs very deep. Why are you still with her? Honest question. When I read your initial post I thought bpd, but then the hoarding made me think maybe not. With this. It sounds more likely. Brings back memories! Don't get sucked into the drama. Don't fall for her makeup sex routine when she realises she can't be alone. Don't be the white night trying to save her. You have spent 3 years in this. And if you stay it will get worse, you will get dragged down and find it harder to leave. My advice is to act immediately and finish it and move out, even if you have to sleep on a buddies sofa. Edited October 25, 2016 by joseb 3
Space Ritual Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 She came clean and told me she doesn't respect me, she claims she has gotten NOTHING she wants or needs for 3 years being with me, and that she thinks she is a better person than me. She thinks she's above me. When I asked her why she said it's partially because she's older than me, and partially because she looks down on me because I've been in different places in life compared to her. She told you all you need to know. Why you would even think or remaining with her after she said this is a mystery to me. You have not been dating a woman, you have been dating a 31 year old child. The Curb...find the nearest one and dump her ass off at it. Let her be somebody else's problem. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 She told you all you need to know. Why you would even think or remaining with her after she said this is a mystery to me. You have not been dating a woman, you have been dating a 31 year old child. The Curb...find the nearest one and dump her ass off at it. Let her be somebody else's problem. I honestly believe she has it untreated and would really,really regret what she said if she was normal. Otherwise she will minimize and / or blameshift it to you. Unless there's something about these conflicts we are missing or haven't been told. 1
fromheart Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Wow. The angry cases I've been involved with were at least nice some of the time. Your angry case is nasty 100% of the time. I'd say its only going to get worse, but its already worse in all honesty. For your own sake, dump her now!
RecentChange Posted October 26, 2016 Posted October 26, 2016 My mother in law has BPD and is a hoarder - when I read the OPs first post - I had flash backs!!!! 1
jjackie Posted October 26, 2016 Posted October 26, 2016 It looks like she has mental health issues and she needs a good psychologist and psychotherapy. I believe she's a good woman, just needs some help. Decision about staying with her is yours, but maybe she can work her issues out?? Talk to her, show her some support and be for her. You seem like a strong dude who can actually help her to get through this sh*t. I think she's not being herself at the moment. Stress and negative things fuels her issues. I have a friend who acts exactly same way. We are the best friends and when everything in her life go smooth she's a lovely person, but when some issues appear - she gets really mad and hates everyone around, but in her eyes she's that most caring and loving person and there's always someone's fault. But I got used to it. She stays under treatment so she's back to normal.
dreamingoftigers Posted October 26, 2016 Posted October 26, 2016 My mother in law has BPD and is a hoarder - when I read the OPs first post - I had flash backs!!!! My mother in law had BPD too. I am 200% positive. I think that's what attracted my husband in the early days. I reminded him of "home." 1
Author AngryOutbursts Posted October 26, 2016 Author Posted October 26, 2016 Unfortunately, I'm very familiar with BPD, for everyone mentioning that. My last girlfriend put me through the absolute wringer. She was ultimately committed and diagnosed with BPD. At that time I broke up with her. I'm sure BPD can take different forms, but I don't think my GF has BPD. It just doesn't seem the same as what I've experienced or know about it. She doesn't have that push-pull of extreme fear of abandonment, while simultaneously pushing me away. In fact after hearing what she said, I'm pretty sure she will welcome me dumping her. I've thought for a long time she has anger management issues more than anything - she holds grudges, her "fuse" is extremely short, and when she goes into angry-mode she says a lot of things that she claims she doesn't mean... but not always. There are plenty of times she says she does mean it and won't take it back. When she isn't angry, she is a pretty well adjusted adult overall. Just seeing this kinda stuff a lot... well, I think she has anger management issues more than anything. Not that it's a good thing, either. As far as breaking up with her - well, it's certainly not off the table. I am having a lot of difficulty thinking about the things she said... in fact, it's making me see her differently. However, I never make a life changing decision on the spot or without putting some thought into it. I'm sure I'll come to a logical conclusion in the next day or so. 3
kendahke Posted October 26, 2016 Posted October 26, 2016 I never make a life changing decision on the spot or without putting some thought into it. No one is telling you to give up a kidney or a lung here. Your life probably will be changed for the better if you get rid of poisonous, toxic energy and quit allowing her such a wide berth. From what you've written, your approach is to keep appeasing her and in doing that, she's lost respect for you. Enabling her by remaining to take her abuse off of her is counter-productive and will result in you wasting your youth behind someone who doesn't deserve that sort of investment--not until she's been in therapy for a while and is close to resolving her problem. From the way you've described her, she's on the other side of the universe from that. 5
GorillaTheater Posted October 26, 2016 Posted October 26, 2016 I'm sure I'll come to a logical conclusion in the next day or so. I don't think it would take me that long to choose to stop stabbing myself in the hand with a fork, but it's your hand. 6
Toodaloo Posted October 26, 2016 Posted October 26, 2016 I don't think it would take me that long to choose to stop stabbing myself in the hand with a fork, but it's your hand. Sometimes it takes a while to actually stop stabbing yourself though because you get so used to it that it seems unnatural or wrong not to... Its a relief though when you do... 5
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