Ex broke up with me to travel but still in contact

[Whattodo_88]

Hello..

 

I have been looking at a few posts on the Internet and wondered if anybody had any advice for me...

 

I started dating my girlfriend last October.. We were together until July of this year.

 

We got on so well and both of us had met each other's families and friends and both were accepted and everybody said how much of a lovely couple we were.

 

So when we got together we both knew we were going to be travelling. My girlfriend was going to travel to Australia for 1/2 years depending on if she found a job and myself was travelling to India, south east Asia and then onto Australia after. Anyway she left to go around 4 weeks ago now. I am due to go in 3 weeks.

 

At first we said that we would travel together, she would go to Oz before and then come to India to see me before going back and had plans to meet up after in Oz. However because of money issues etc and coming out of Oz and going back would cost too much.. this was never finalised.

 

She broke up with me In July so we have had 2 months apart before she left to travel. It was horrible and we both found things quite hard. Her reasons being she wanted to be single when she travelled ( isn't the person to sleep around as had only Been with one other person before me for quite a long time of 5 years) I was also with my ex before her for 8 years. But yes so she wanted to be single and have the experience for her and not to be tied down at home.

 

Anyway I guess I knew it was coming but to hear her say that she didn't feel for me how I did her, she has strong feelings for me but mistook that for love even though she knew she wasn't in love with me ( she was the one that told me she loved me first, was always the one who moved the relationship further along with her words and asked me intially to be her gf on Valentine's Day)

 

Anyway it came as a bit of a shock and we finally met up a week after. Anyway a few messages were exchanged. Etc etc. And we did end up sleeping together 3 weeks before she flew and also I went to her leaving party ... we said our goodbyes and both got very upset. She said that she loved me and that she wished I was on the seat next to her when she flew. She also told my best friend that It isn't that she doesn't love me but it's the fact that she is going away etc..

 

Now I never wanted to hold her back (she is 25) and I am (28) but I just feel since she had been away there is so much hot and coldness. We are not together I no. But sometimes I get messages from her saying she misses me, she wishes I was with her etc.. But then I hear nothing for ages and she is very blunt in her messages. I no she is getting on With things and it's been her dream to do this for ages (and her ex always held her back etc) ... But I guess I'm finding it so hard because I'm the one left behind ( I no I have my trip soon to look forward to in 3 weeks) and I do hope our paths cross in Oz. I just feel a little down at the moment because if I receive a nice message I feel great, but then if I hear nothing or receive a blunt message it makes me feel rubbish .. Just very hot and cold as I said.

 

Now basically I'm unsure what to do. I want to be with her and want to see her in Oz.. But I no going away she may meet someone etc.. I no that's not in my control but I dont want o be used as a safety blanket etc.. And to just be used to pick her up when she feels low or homesick etc.,

 

But I'm unsure whether to remain in contact as we are and take the messages as they come and just see what happens in the future ( it's hard) or to just cancel all contact.

 

I no I need to be focused and strong for my trip as I have 6 weeks before my best friend joins me.. But I have been travelling lots before and no that I am not looking to meet someone.

 

Any advice would be great. Thank you

[fromheart]

Let her go completely. Right now she's feeding you breadcrumbs while she most probably is meeting other men.

 

I've traveled myself and know full well what its like on the road. Save yourself a world of pain and let her go completely.

 

Don't meet up with her in Australia also, I promise you it will be a disaster and ruin your time traveling. She wont respect you for it, she'll see you as a lapdog who comes running when she says.

Hot/cold is a form of abuse my friend, and right now you're getting emotionally beaten up.

 

Make this trip about you and your development, meet new people and enjoy your life. Your saying now you don't want to meet anyone, but you might change your mind when you see all the girls out there.

 

Right now this girl is in charge of whether you feel good or bad, considering she's already dumped you that's a pretty bad place to be. This is why we always say, go NC. Take back control, plan for your trip and go enjoy yourself.

[Whattodo_88]

Yeah I understand that.. But I don't understand why she told me she loved me before she went... How she says she misses me etc when she is there... We still FaceTime.. I'm just a little unsure about what is the right thing. It wasn't a horrible break up.. the thing is I know she did love me but she wanted her trip more and I get that. I just don't want to be used as a person to get her over home sickness or whatever if she's feeling down. And then disregarded when she is having fun. Or meeting new people.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yeah I understand that.. But I don't understand why she told me she loved me before she went... How she says she misses me etc when she is there... We still FaceTime.. I'm just a little unsure about what is the right thing. It wasn't a horrible break up.. the thing is I know she did love me but she wanted her trip more and I get that. I just don't want to be used as a person to get her over home sickness or whatever if she's feeling down. And then disregarded when she is having fun. Or meeting new people.

 

She said all these things to keep you on her leesh. As long as you are responding to these things, she feels that when her fun is over, she can always get back together with you. You are being strung along, my friend.

 

Also, she broke up so she could not be accused of cheating on you. To ease any possible guilt, she breaks up, travels and does what she wants and convinces herself that she never cheated.

 

The break-up was only as harsh as it needed to be. She didn't want to burn any bridges to you....

 

Again, you are being strung along....

[fromheart]

If she loved you, she'd want to travel with you. Don't look at the words, look at the actions.

 

She is using you to get over the break up she instigated, obviously it was confusing for her also. But she can't have her cake and eat it, thats not fair to you.

 

Tell her your not interested in friendship, only romance. She can contact you if she changes her mind. Then go NC.

 

I don't want to give you hope when I say this, but the only way to get the dumper interested again is by walking away. But only if you really walk away. Women know when someone has really walked away or are just acting.

 

But do you really want a woman who dumps you and gos traveling without you? When something like this happens, there's a good chance it will happen again.

[HumanMachine]

You HAVE to go nc

 

She is out there banging other dudes - i can guarantee it.. Don't be naive with the whole 'she doesn't sleep around' nonsense

 

It'll be your biggest regret if you don't do it now, giving you a bit of time to heal before your trip.

[Logo]

She's keeping you around as an insurance policy, as a backup.

 

Forget her and move on and you'll thank yourself later in life. Don't let her use you like that.

[Marc878]

Go dark and block her. Why do you want to keep yourself in limbo for a few breadcrumbs?

[Whattodo_88]

Thanks for all of your kind words and advice guys.

 

I know what I need to do.. and I know what she is doing. I guess we never think that the person we thought would never do something like this actually would.

 

I know I am a back up.. And I know that she has gone away without wanting any ties... well I think I am worthy of a ' tie' from someone! So she can do what she wants to do... and have me there at the end of the phone to comfort her when she needs it or whatever. I know I am worth more than this.

 

The fact that I am going away as you know.. I am just unsure.. whether or not meeting in Oz will be beneficial next year. However... I guess when that times comes, both of our situations should hopefully be different. If she meets someone, or I do etc.. I don't think we can ever just go straight into friends as obviously I am hurting a little more.. because she is away having fun 'living her dream' without me.. which is the truth.. All these breadcrumbs is allivating her guilt and its just the case of knowing she has someone there to give her attention when she wants/needs it.

 

I will make sure.. I stop the contact.. and if any messages are sent from now on.. I will just leave it. I went 7 days without contact before and she just messaged me saying I have been thinking of you all day today etc.. (just another ploy to reel me back in) I can see it all! So much easier to give advice then to recieve it eh.

[Bialy]

I agree with the others - she's treating you like a backup.

 

Don't communicate with her while she is on this long trip. She's intentionally feeding you breadcrumbs to keep you on an emotional hook. That's wrong and pretty manipulative.

 

If she genuinely cared about you, she would leave you be. She's the one that initiated the breakup.

[Whattodo_88]

Thanks 'Bialy'

 

Yes she is and far from what I deserve..

 

I know what I do.. I have wanted this trip I am going to embark on for so long.. so I feel to be able to fully put all my concentration into this.. I need to completely let go of her whilst she is on this trip.

 

If our paths are meant to meet in the future.. then they will. If not.. then I know i have handled things in the right way.. for me. Who is the most important. I guess time to actually put me first above her for the first time in a very long time.

 

And yes you are right about her leaving me be regarding breaking up with me.. She made that choice not me.. and I will not be fed breadcrumbs to help her through the transition etc... Thanks.

[sandylee1]

Enjoy your single status and look forward to not being in a relationship while you're travelling. There will be many single girls out there.

 

Don't be anyone's fall back guy. From now on just ignore her message or block them. Have her emails automatically put in the trash folder.

 

You'll feel better without any contact from her.

[Whattodo_88]

Thanks sandylee1.. I appreciate your comment and kind words.

 

I guess it just has been a vicious circle.. actually posting on here and getting advice from people who don't know me or the situation in person has really helped. Everybody on here is looking in so I have really taken all the advice on board.

 

From now on.. I won't contact. I know now that I am just the safety net, the back up plan.. and if anybody else was in this situation i would be giving exactly the same advice. A new country for her is great.. but she is always obviously wanting that comfort and reassurance from the person she was closest to at home.. but its selfish and isn't my place to do that anymore. I have been treated like a mug and deserve so much more than what is happening etc.

[Whattodo_88]

Hey I just wanted to update you all. As you all really helped me. It has now been almost 2 weeks since we last spoke. The last message i sent.. was that I haven't had time to FaceTime and that I have been really busy at work and with planning my trip. we will speak properly soon ok. I got a reply.. just saying that - no worries sweet one.. i am fine and i hope the planning of your trip is going ok for you. with lots of emojis including a kiss one (err) Anyway.. yes I have not contacted since.. Keeping strong and focusing on me. So thank you all once again.