awkwardquestionsacc Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Hello. Bare with me on this one, i'll try to be as short as possible. A year ago, I started flirting with a girl and she showed interest as well, but things didn't work out and we didn't even begin proper dating. We somehow continued to be friends for 2 extra months after which I gave up trying and ended it. She reached out to me this summer and we became great friends again. Last month, we became FWB , but we didn't have sex in that period. We had the chance, but since i've loved the girl for ages, it was my first time and all , I got too nervous and you all know what happened next. After that, we talked a bit and she said "just friends from now on" which I didn't agree with and stopped talking to her. She contacted me a week later saying all great things, which got my hopes up. Fast forward to yesterday, We talked again and I ended up telling her how I feel and that I want something more from us than a friendship. She said she doesn't feel the same "thrill" as I do about us and that she doesn't want to talk about that. I basically said that if she wants to talk about it for real, she knows where I am and if not, I won't ever contact her again. I care about her, but I can't do with just friends. Period. So ,now what? WHen we were kissing etc, it just didn't feel like she had no feelings towards me, the kisses were passionate ,it had a connection. Whenever I stop talking to her, she always ends up contacting me. SHe said she doesn't want complicated things, as if she's afraid of actually doing something more with me than friends. But if that's the case, No matter how much care about her, which believe is ,is a lot,like she's the most important person to me right now, she's been my first kiss, first everything, I have to end it,don't I? She was avoiding "the talk" about our relation, by the presumption she doesn't want to get stressed . She said that as some point we might meet in person and discuss it. I agreed ,but she didn't say anything about when, just at some point. Well, I should respect myself enough to not sit and wait around, shouldn't I? Just, so many questions. 1
salparadise Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 (edited) Well, I should respect myself enough to not sit and wait around, shouldn't I? Just, so many questions. Yes you should. It sounds like she's avoidant––afraid of intimacy, afraid of getting involved. I doubt that would change even if she were a bit more willing. It would be continually frustrating for you. There's no point in pursuing someone who is holding you at arm's length. I think you're handling it correctly––don't allow her to keep you on the string if she's not going to meet you half way. Cease contact and find someone who's able to engage with you. Edited October 23, 2016 by salparadise 2
Author awkwardquestionsacc Posted October 23, 2016 Author Posted October 23, 2016 Yes you should. It sounds like she's avoidant––afraid of intimacy, afraid of getting involved. I doubt that would change even if she were a bit more willing. It would be continually frustrating for you. There's no point in pursuing someone who is holding you at arm's length. I think you're handling it correctly––don't allow her to keep you on the string if she's not going to meet you half way. Cease contact and find someone who's able to engage with you. That seems to be a hurtful path, but the right one. I don't believe her she doesn't feel a thing for me, I just don't. One can feel it throught her touches, kisses, the way we talked. We know everything about each other, the week where she said "all the nice things" , she had a bit of wine beforehand and actually talked what I believe is real stuff. She talked about opening up to me, stuff like that. Next day, none of it. Whenever she gets even slightly tipsy, she throws away her fake face and becomes a nice person. I guess just not the person for me.
Author awkwardquestionsacc Posted October 23, 2016 Author Posted October 23, 2016 Any input would be appreciated, I honestly need some encouraging in order to not contact her. I still love her.
spiderowl Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 I think it's really difficult. She obviously wants to stay friends and doesn't want to lose you but she's not showing signs of sexual attraction or interest now, even if she was before. I'm sorry, I think if you stay in touch with her, you need to be prepared to just be her friend.
Author awkwardquestionsacc Posted October 24, 2016 Author Posted October 24, 2016 I think it's really difficult. She obviously wants to stay friends and doesn't want to lose you but she's not showing signs of sexual attraction or interest now, even if she was before. I'm sorry, I think if you stay in touch with her, you need to be prepared to just be her friend. Is it selfish of me to not be fine with that? I kept being friends with her after her last rejection and It caused me nothing but dissapointment . I couldn't start dating another girl because it wasn't her. It sucked. If she wants me in her life, she has to want me for more than a friend. For that one month of FWB, we were basically dating. We talked each day, went out a lot, were intimate . We just weren't public. I tried to have the talk with her and she avoided it ,since then I haven't contacted her while she continues to send me snaps daily. It might be hurtful for me to leave her, since I do care a lot about her, but to care about her in a boyfriend-ish manner while not being one, just seems unhealthy. I won't lie, every notification I get I hope it's her. I've always been there for her and maybe it's too easy for her, I seriously don't know. Perhaps going a-wall will remind her she needs me in her life. If not, at least it's the right approach to forget her. It's killing me that she has few months left in our country and then she's leaving without coming back. To not talk to her given the fact these months will be my last,oh man it sucks.
salparadise Posted October 24, 2016 Posted October 24, 2016 Is it selfish of me to not be fine with that? [/qupte] Nope. It's not selfish. You have to do what's right for you. She's not worried about being selfish for not giving you what you want. There is no rule that says she gets to have her cake and eat it too. And giving her what she want doesn't get you any closer. It keeps you stuck in the friendzone, frustrated, hurting, wanting. Reject it completely. I kept being friends with her after her last rejection and It caused me nothing but dissapointment . I couldn't start dating another girl because it wasn't her. It sucked. If she wants me in her life, she has to want me for more than a friend. For that one month of FWB, we were basically dating. We talked each day, went out a lot, were intimate . We just weren't public. And you see where that got ya. Nowhere. She is emotionally stunted. Your only hope was a purely physical relationship, but that didn't work either. She has nothing for you, man. No love, no sex. She's a waste of your time and energy. I tried to have the talk with her and she avoided it ,since then I haven't contacted her while she continues to send me snaps daily. It might be hurtful for me to leave her, since I do care a lot about her, but to care about her in a boyfriend-ish manner while not being one, just seems unhealthy. I won't lie, every notification I get I hope it's her. I've always been there for her and maybe it's too easy for her, I seriously don't know. It is unhealthy, unsatisfying, frustrating, debilitating... Your brain knows it's a dead end street, but your heart needs time to be retrained and get over her. Give yourself the gift of no-contact. And don't do it half-assed. Block her everywhere. Perhaps going a-wall will remind her she needs me in her life. If not, at least it's the right approach to forget her. No, it's not going to make her feel differently about you. It's just going to teach her that she doesn't get to dangle men on a string, at least not those with self-respect. It is the right approach to move on with your life. You don't want to still be hanging around for crumbs when she decides to start banging someone else. It's killing me that she has few months left in our country and then she's leaving without coming back. To not talk to her given the fact these months will be my last,oh man it sucks. I didn't realize this. All the more reason to do what you know you have to do.
elaine567 Posted October 24, 2016 Posted October 24, 2016 It is not complicated, she just doesn't see you as bf/romantic material. She gave it a go, she wasn't feeling it, so she just wants to remain friends with you. She likes you as a person and wants to keep you in her life. She doesn't want any heavy talks, as that is not relevant. Buddies don't need heavy talks. Also she is leaving soon so it would be madness for her to get romantically involved with anyone. You have to decide if her friendship is enough for you, if it isn't and you are making yourself ill over it, then you have to cut contact with her for your own sake. The fact she is leaving permanently and there is no future here anyway for the two of you, should spur you on to try and get her out of your system. 1
Author awkwardquestionsacc Posted October 24, 2016 Author Posted October 24, 2016 Thanks y'all. I won't lie that I don't want to do it, but a friendship with her is more of a pain for me than pleasure. Seeing her once/twice a month is just not enough and just talking during those two times instead of on a daily basis is not what I can handle. I want to know how her day went, share stuff of my day with her, I just want a relationship with her. The last time we talked she said that once in person we'll get the opportunity to talk about "us", but I hightly doubt that'll ever happen. I just have to fight my hopes and bring myself to reality. First love, first real rejection. Being an 18yo hurts.
spiderowl Posted October 24, 2016 Posted October 24, 2016 Sorry OP, it's very tough, first love and hurt. I think you are best to assume nothing will come of it and then decide how you personally feel you can handle the situation. If that means not seeing her, then you need to do what's best for you. There are lots of lovely people out there and you will get other opportunities and, you know, one day you will see someone else and forget about this girl. It can happen that quick.
Author awkwardquestionsacc Posted October 24, 2016 Author Posted October 24, 2016 (edited) Sorry OP, it's very tough, first love and hurt. I think you are best to assume nothing will come of it and then decide how you personally feel you can handle the situation. If that means not seeing her, then you need to do what's best for you. There are lots of lovely people out there and you will get other opportunities and, you know, one day you will see someone else and forget about this girl. It can happen that quick. I needed the hard truth. She continues to try and reach me via Snapchat , but to no available. I can't bring myself to removing her from all social networks, the only way to handle this is one step at a time. I'm aware it's not the best way, but it's the only one I can do. Blocking her from everywhere, when she's the person I care the most ,is something I don't have the will power to do ,yet. It truly sucks. I have all those memories, all those things I've done for the first time with her,call it not alpha male-ish enough but it does bring a tear to my eyes thinking about all the intimate/close/sharing deep stuff she hasn't shared with anyone but me, moments. We had a great connection, simply the fact that she's an extremely closed person, yet she opened for me 100% ....oh none of that matters I guess. TO where it mattered, she isn't willing to go. I'm a very emotional person and I valued her greatly ,unfortunately still do. I'll still hope every new notification is from her, but I sense only time will be the remedy for that. I get what you mean by somebody else. Today, for the first time, I saw a person that made me not thing about her all the time. She's older than me, a lot, so anything is out of the question, but it just showed me there are other girls out there that'll tick all the boxes and make me go crazy. It seems it's just a rarity to meet one. Charm is what wins me over, period. I quite enjoy talking about this with all of you, be it people I don't know. Thanks for all of that. Edited October 24, 2016 by awkwardquestionsacc
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