Frivolous Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Hey everyone! I'm currently overthinking about things so will try to summarise without the nitty gritty. I'm 30, shes 22. Got together in the final year of uni and been together 8 months now. Moved to the city together and have been here for around a month now. I accepted from the beginning that my GF came with emotional baggage and suffers with an increasing list of issues (depression, anxiety, paranoia, control etc etc). Unfortunately, 8 months in and the isssues are starting to make me crack. On the positive side she is smart, attractive and comes from a good family. However, her personality/issues is killing the love I feel for her and now i wonder if there is any point continuing (other than the fact that we have taken an apartment togeteher). This is only my 2nd long term relationship and there were similar issues in my first one so i'm now wondering if these types of issues are ingernet in a large percentage of the efemale population and if i ever want to be happily married i just have to suck it up and feel like a punch bag for the rest of my life???
ufo8mycat Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 well, no. Unless you want to be there for the long haul. She is 22. think of how much your life change between 22 and 30. Sort out the lease situation, life is too short to be a white night. No need to be a total douche about it but this doesn't seem to have long term potential. 1
Author Frivolous Posted October 23, 2016 Author Posted October 23, 2016 well, no. Unless you want to be there for the long haul. She is 22. think of how much your life change between 22 and 30. Sort out the lease situation, life is too short to be a white night. No need to be a total douche about it but this doesn't seem to have long term potential. That's the thing, I do want it to be long term. I'm 30 and was single for 4 years before meeting ths girl. I guess it's everyones eternal dilemma but if i don't "settle" then I could be alone for many more years before finding someone else. My experiences have made me sceptical about what a long term relationship really has to offer as emotional issues seem to inevitably lead to poor quality of life. How many people can honestly say that their partner is attractive, smart, caring and doesn't have any emotinal issues? Is there always a comprimise on one of these four core qualities?
basil67 Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 What is your girlfriend doing about these issues? And what has she been diagnosed with? It's one thing to stand by a partner who acknowledges their issues and is actively seeking help from a psychologist and taking meds if required. It's another thing altogether to be with a person who is either in denial or refuses to get help. You asked how many people have emotional issues. I think that there are probably a number of people who have a bit of baggage. But the way you describe your gf, I think we're talking mental health issues - not garden variety baggage. 2
Popsicle Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 My ex-H had some very attractive qualities, some of which many women would kill for, but he was what I call a "cranky-prik", and after 15 years I couldn't take it anymore. Even though he always acted that way since the beginning, it took a while for me "get over" his good qualities and realize that I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that. We eventually divorced and I am quite happy with my decision. So, I would say to you to wait it out until you can't take it anymore and feel more sure that you want out.
Kamille Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 As an answer to one of your questions: Overall rates of psychiatric disorder are almost identical for men and women but striking gender differences are found in the patterns of mental illness. The World Health Organization estimates that about 50% of the population will face a mental illness at one point in their life. WHO | Gender and women's mental health 1
Miss Spider Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 That's the thing, I do want it to be long term. I'm 30 and was single for 4 years before meeting ths girl. I guess it's everyones eternal dilemma but if i don't "settle" then I could be alone for many more years before finding someone else. My experiences have made me sceptical about what a long term relationship really has to offer as emotional issues seem to inevitably lead to poor quality of life. How many people can honestly say that their partner is attractive, smart, caring and doesn't have any emotinal issues? Is there always a comprimise on one of these four core qualities? No there is not always. She sounds like a lot of drama. Don't settle for someone who's wearing you down emotionally because you're afraid you won't find anything better. It's not fair for either of you. Your girlfriend has extreme emotional issues. Ask yourself if you want drama, control issues, and a headache for the long haul. It would probably hurt more down the line...
Miss Spider Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 (edited) That's the thing, I do want it to be long term. I'm 30 and was single for 4 years before meeting ths girl. I guess it's everyones eternal dilemma but if i don't "settle" then I could be alone for many more years before finding someone else. My experiences have made me sceptical about what a long term relationship really has to offer as emotional issues seem to inevitably lead to poor quality of life. How many people can honestly say that their partner is attractive, smart, caring and doesn't have any emotinal issues? Is there always a comprimise on one of these four core qualities? No there is not always. There are plenty of men partnered with attractive,smart, caring, and emotionally stable women. She sounds like a lot of drama. Don't settle for someone who's wearing you down emotionally because you're afraid you won't find anything better. I did this myself and wasted so much time and peace of mind. It's not fair for either of you. If your girlfriend has extreme emotional issues, she needs help, which will be a very long road. Ask yourself if you can deal with the depression,insecurity,drama, instability the long haul, and accept there is a likelihood it won't improve. wish you the best Edited October 23, 2016 by Cookiesandough 1
elaine567 Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 She is only 22, you are fishing for "marriage material" in the wrong pool. 7
Gaeta Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Can you honestly see her being the mother of your children? Her mental illness will be imposed on them the same way she imposed them on you. 2
kmack513 Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Hey everyone! I'm currently overthinking about things so will try to summarise without the nitty gritty. I'm 30, shes 22. Got together in the final year of uni and been together 8 months now. Moved to the city together and have been here for around a month now. I accepted from the beginning that my GF came with emotional baggage and suffers with an increasing list of issues (depression, anxiety, paranoia, control etc etc). Unfortunately, 8 months in and the isssues are starting to make me crack. On the positive side she is smart, attractive and comes from a good family. However, her personality/issues is killing the love I feel for her and now i wonder if there is any point continuing (other than the fact that we have taken an apartment togeteher). This is only my 2nd long term relationship and there were similar issues in my first one so i'm now wondering if these types of issues are ingernet in a large percentage of the efemale population and if i ever want to be happily married i just have to suck it up and feel like a punch bag for the rest of my life??? She has that at 22? pass, no thanks 3
BaileyB Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 She is so young. As others have said, probably not at the same stage of life. And no, there are many attractive, healthy, stable women in this world... Do not settle for a woman who is unstable and will bring nothing but drama and unhappiness to your life.
longjohn Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Hey everyone! I'm currently overthinking about things so will try to summarise without the nitty gritty. I'm 30, shes 22. Got together in the final year of uni and been together 8 months now. Moved to the city together and have been here for around a month now. I accepted from the beginning that my GF came with emotional baggage and suffers with an increasing list of issues (depression, anxiety, paranoia, control etc etc). Unfortunately, 8 months in and the isssues are starting to make me crack. On the positive side she is smart, attractive and comes from a good family. However, her personality/issues is killing the love I feel for her and now i wonder if there is any point continuing (other than the fact that we have taken an apartment togeteher). This is only my 2nd long term relationship and there were similar issues in my first one so i'm now wondering if these types of issues are ingernet in a large percentage of the efemale population and if i ever want to be happily married i just have to suck it up and feel like a punch bag for the rest of my life??? So what I'm reading from this is first of all she's 22... a lot can and will change with her in the coming years. Secondly from what your saying sounds like she's damaged and has some serious issues. I know what I'd do if I were you. I'd dump her and move along find a more stable and mature partner. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 At 8 months this is not yet a long term relationship. If you can not cope now. Its going to get worse. She is just starting to show the reality about now so be warned. It is not up to you to "save" her. You can either cope or you can't... Doesn't sound like this is a short term issue for her... 1
smackie9 Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 IMO people who have mental illness and know it/been diagnosed have a responsibility to maintain it with drugs and therapy. Sounds to me she isn't doing that for whatever reason.....NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You choose whom you date. You knew going in and should have avoided doing so. Not her fault, this is on you. There are plenty of normal stable women out there that have their s hit together. So don't be point yer finger at women,...... there are many pointing back at you. 1
Author Frivolous Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 Thank you all for your replies. All what has been said is basically what I have been thinking which unfortunately confirms that it probably isn't going to last. @basil67 & Smackie9 She has had issues (see previous post) from a young age, has beeen to therapy and takes medication. Although I haven't spoke to her about medication in a while I know she doesn't always take what she is meant to. She also said that therapy hasn't worked for her. I'm trying not to tar all women with the brush but nearly 4 years of my relationship life has been plauged by my SO's issues. @popsicle That's very interesting! I made it to nearly 3 years with my ex partner but gave up for pretty much that reason. Hence why I am already worried about the way my current relationship is going. It's also making it hard for me to have faith in the rest of the female population but I do understand that mental illness is not gender biased so i'm trying to hold out hope. Like you say, its very hard empathise when most days you just come home to a "cranky-prik" @Elaine567 & Gelata & Kmack513 & BaileyB & Longjohn & Toodaloo I know dating someone who is 22 may not be the soundest decision when looking to settle but she is way beyond her years and is certain she wants to have children in the next few years. It makes writing her off because of emotional issues very difficult because on the flip side she is very sensible, healthy living and loyal which I believe are qualities hard to find so she would probably make a very good mother. I really can't see her being so mean and pissy at a baby like she is with me, especially with the motherly insticts she has but who knows! So all in all it's very difficult because without the emotional issues the relationship is great. In the back of my mind there is a grown up and wise voice saying, "emotional issues killed my last relationship so get out". On the other hand,this is the best girl i've met in 4 years (bar one that lives in another country) so my confidence for finding somone better is at about 5% :/
joseb Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 That's the thing, I do want it to be long term. I'm 30 and was single for 4 years before meeting ths girl. I guess it's everyones eternal dilemma but if i don't "settle" then I could be alone for many more years before finding someone else. So what if you are? Would you rather be subjected to a life of misery? People need to start realising that relationships aren't sure me magical solution to life's woes. Good ones can enhance your life, bad ones can ruin it. 2
Els Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Anxiety, depression, paranoia, AND control - that's a bit of a hefty list! Is this something she has been professionally diagnosed with or are you the one diagnosing her? Could you provide concrete examples of her behaviour? 2
elaine567 Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 @Elaine567 & Gelata & Kmack513 & BaileyB & Longjohn & Toodaloo I know dating someone who is 22 may not be the soundest decision when looking to settle but she is way beyond her years and is certain she wants to have children in the next few years. It makes writing her off because of emotional issues very difficult because on the flip side she is very sensible, healthy living and loyal which I believe are qualities hard to find so she would probably make a very good mother. I really can't see her being so mean and pissy at a baby like she is with me, especially with the motherly insticts she has but who knows! EVERYONE says that, "Oh she is 16, 18, 20, 22 but she is mature way beyond her years" and then go onto list exactly why she is NOT beyond her years... This girl sounds like she is a mess and yeah women with "Anxiety, depression, paranoia, AND control issues" make great mothers... Of course, if this is the second LTR you have been in and both women have suffered from "emotional issues", the only thing they have in common is YOU. Why are you attracted to such women or a bigger question and not so comfortable maybe for you, is there something about YOU that is bringing out all those emotional issues in women. Sometimes relationships that are not working "cause" problems. Sometimes people with depression, anxiety, paranoia, aggression... or any other sort of "emotional issue", miraculously get better once they are out of a relationship that is not working FOR THEM. It may or may not be the other person's "fault", just an incompatibility problem. 3
Melissasha Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 I remember when I was 22. Drama. Dealing with her sounds exhausting. Sounds like the cons outweigh the pros. You are smart to doubt the longevity of this.
VeveCakes Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 I don't care how "mature" she seems. At 22, her whole personality can and will change over the next 5-6 years. If she is not stable she is NO PLACE to even consider having children. This is a waste of your time IMO.
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Whoa nelly! What caught my attention is that you mentioned you've attracted the exact same traits in past partners. It would be very helpful to hear examples of things she does that cause you distress as well as knowing what exactly this girl has been diagnosed with. Control issues, insecurity and anxiety are par for the coarse when it comes to 21 year olds. Not all but some women are like that and mature out of it. At 21 it is predominantly fuled by insecurities. What does she takes meds for at 21 and why is she in therapy at such a young age!?
fromheart Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 (edited) Hey everyone! I'm currently overthinking about things so will try to summarise without the nitty gritty. I'm 30, shes 22. Got together in the final year of uni and been together 8 months now. Moved to the city together and have been here for around a month now. I accepted from the beginning that my GF came with emotional baggage and suffers with an increasing list of issues (depression, anxiety, paranoia, control etc etc). Unfortunately, 8 months in and the isssues are starting to make me crack. On the positive side she is smart, attractive and comes from a good family. However, her personality/issues is killing the love I feel for her and now i wonder if there is any point continuing (other than the fact that we have taken an apartment togeteher). This is only my 2nd long term relationship and there were similar issues in my first one so i'm now wondering if these types of issues are ingernet in a large percentage of the efemale population and if i ever want to be happily married i just have to suck it up and feel like a punch bag for the rest of my life??? These issues are inherent with most people, I'm presuming you only get involved with women so your only going to experience this in women. Your saying you know she had issues when you met her. She was not healthy enough for a relationship, it was only a matter of time before she lashed into you with these issues. I've also been involved with these types of women, and now I have more of an idea of the signs of someone who clearly isn't able to be in an intimate connection. Select a partner who is stable, healthy and working on themselves. That will greatly lessen unnecessary issues. Your saying you want to be in it for the long term with this girl. But her being in a long term relationship is like getting someone to run a marathon with a broken leg. She must work on herself first. Edited October 25, 2016 by fromheart
fromheart Posted October 26, 2016 Posted October 26, 2016 On the other hand,this is the best girl i've met in 4 years (bar one that lives in another country) so my confidence for finding somone better is at about 5% :/ Now this is something many of us do. We get involved with people who get abusive, yet we make excuses for them. Probably because abusive partners are amazing some of the time, and downright nasty the rest of the time. Yet we make excuses for them, because we love their good side so much. There's no love there though, just dependence and hope that one day they will sort their heads out and become the person you love. One or two years later, you're living with the hulk. You never know if you're going to come home to your dream partner, or her cold twin. You live your life walking on eggshells. There are women out there who are not like this. But you're not going to meet them if you settle for this one. 1
basil67 Posted October 26, 2016 Posted October 26, 2016 @basil67 & Smackie9 She has had issues (see previous post) from a young age, has beeen to therapy and takes medication. Although I haven't spoke to her about medication in a while I know she doesn't always take what she is meant to. She also said that therapy hasn't worked for her. I'm trying not to tar all women with the brush but nearly 4 years of my relationship life has been plauged by my SO's issues. Someone who's non compliant with their meds is not stable enough for a relationship. Nothing less than doing her absolute best to manage her mental illness should be acceptable to you. It would be erroneous to tar women with the same brush. First of all, mental illness does not discriminate between genders. Second, the majority of men and women do not have a mental illness. Given that mental illness is not that common and you keep finding yourself with women who do have a mental illness, the constant is YOU. Perhaps you haven't learned to quickly identify the signs that someone is not in a good place for a relationship and walk away? We all meet people who aren't in a relationship place when we're dating. But the secret is to walk away before you get too involved. Or if you get involved and then find out they are non-compliant on therapy or meds, you walk. Non-compliance is an absolute deal breaker. Or at least, it should be.
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