Girl on and off for a year and it could be the end..depressed

[Maximboi23]

Hello everyone. Have not really been on here for a while but it was always refreshing to come on here from time to time and vent and get great advice from the wonderful people here.

 

So I was seeing this girl I met about a year ago which I found her on a dating site. What was strange was that when I tried to talk to her on the dating site she was not really that interested. Then out of coincidence I saw her and some guy come to the restaurant I was working at and she didn't recognize me because I am just good at recognizing other people even from pictures. So she came in twice and both times I was like ok what are the odds but they must like eating here.

 

Then one day I was shopping and on way in the door I saw her with her mom going in and I saw them at an isle across from me and I looked st her and was like ok that's her again. Went back on site periodically and saw her again and went ahead and messaged her saying I know her she came in the restaurant I was working at and she was surprised i remembered her and the amount of times I saw her.

 

So we met and talked and had a good time and months went by then she said she didn't want this and didn't want a relationship and what not and left. A few months later I reached out and we met and had dinner and that night I was trying to get her to see me more and never happened. Then a month went by and went up on my birthday and hung out and talked and just had a good time. A few months later we were talking and she told me that second time I was trying to see her and she left that she was having a friend with benefits and was doing that while I was trying hard to be with her. I was in total disgust and anger and a guy way older than her wanting no relationship just sex. Enraged me because I was trying to be with her and I took her out to dinner and this is what she goes out and does.

 

Took a lot out of me and I always had that resentment in back of my mind for her. We moved passed and few weeks later or so I saw her phone and she was taking to this guy from gym probably asking her if she's seeing someone and she was saying no and exchanging instagrams and calling him cute or whatever and I exposed it to her and got mad again and trust was shattered. We continued to see eachother on and off and I would stay at her place a lot. We never really got along and she would kick me out on a number of occasions. I get that I wasn't perfect either and have my problems with jealousy and anger and some mental illness that I have but I truly did love her.

 

Her endless lies would never cease. I caught her in many and about a few days ago was the last straw. We were fighting and she wanted me to leave and we went back and forth and I said to her let me see your phone cause we both agreed we can look at eachothers phone because of what happened before with her when I caught her talking to that guy from gym. She refused and ran to other room and deleted messages. I confronted her saying who was it and why u deleted it and she kept denying It and saying no one no one. I left her place in anger. Next morning I get a message of her confessing her love and all this nonsense which I know she never felt for me because of the amount of times she hurt me. I kept telling her I don't want to see her anymore and she hurt me and kept bringing the beginning when she had her sex buddy and I caught her talking to the guy in text messages and what not. She denied for hours saying she didn't delete anything and wasn't talking to anyone. Than finally confessed saying it was a kid from her math class in college that would text her periodically and I got enraged. I called her names and said all u do is hurt me and your a liar and I hate u and don't want her anymore.

 

Sorry for the long message but I had to let it all out from beginning. Thanks guys any advice would be greatly appreciated

[sooshi]

My goodness, that's a lot of drama.

 

End things once and for all, block her everywhere, go no contact, and move on.

 

Be single for a long time and work on cultivating a loving relationship with yourself. You have a lot of insecurities, issues with jealousy, and anger. Those are some of the prime ingredients for a drama-filled, toxic relationship, like the one you've been having with this girl. A healthy relationship doesn't consist of lies, resentment, and it doesn't take a lot out of you. Being kicked out multiple times and not being able to trust each other doesn't make for a healthy relationship, either.

 

This one's not worth keeping, OP. Let it go.

[DarrenB]

Sorry OP, but this sounds quite dysfunctional, from both of your behalf's; a relationship that probably lasted much longer than it should of.

 

I agree with Soosh, a healthy r/s should not involve deceit, lies, jealousy, anger and so forth. Well, not on such a common basis anyway. Avoiding conflict is crucial to pursuing and progressing in a long-term, healthy relationship, but sometimes it can get extremely out of hand... which it seems that is the case in your situation.

 

I'm sure that your feelings towards each other was requited. You know, the ones that you normally get when you feel a connection and a growing attachment with someone. But, in some cases and unfortunately, the other half needs to have more options, more attention and just more of what they seek in general. They cannot seem to stick with one thing, so they must seek it elsewhere.

 

I can empathize for you with that way she had been hiding things from you, deceiving you and being in-denial, even when you knew the truth, she would still hide things. I've had that in my own previous r/s and it made me question my faith and trust towards her many, many times... and actually made me become insanely stressed and infuriated on multiple occasions.

 

Given you've said about your own 'problems' and what you currently have been going through, you probably hadn't handled the situation the best. However, in the heat of the moment, it's extremely hard to adjust to the situation at hand in a civil manner. Sometimes, you do just have to let it all out, even if it's a bit too much. Often though, it isn't the best idea and I definitely do not encourage it. Your best option is to take this as a valuable lesson and apply it in future. Take time away from dating, r/s in general and have some time to solely focus on yourself. Progress yourself, make time for yourself, trust yourself and pen-ultimately believe in yourself. Hopefully by then, you will have developed more from what you currently are and be more aware.

 

Work on yourself mate. Things will gradually become more in your favor when you do so.

[Maximboi23]

Thank you. I appreciate the time that you have taken to throughly write it al out. Obviously trust is gone now and I'm done with her I believe. I cannot live everyday knowing that she may be out doing stuff with someone or texting someone and whatever lie and deceive she is doing. I cannot live like that anymore. I guess I do need some time for myself from dating and relationships it's just hard for me to be alone and single with limited friends and illness.

[DarrenB]

Thank you. I appreciate the time that you have taken to throughly write it al out. Obviously trust is gone now and I'm done with her I believe. I cannot live everyday knowing that she may be out doing stuff with someone or texting someone and whatever lie and deceive she is doing. I cannot live like that anymore. I guess I do need some time for myself from dating and relationships it's just hard for me to be alone and single with limited friends and illness.

 

No problem.

 

My signature says it all:

 

'Hard times breed better men'. Why this specific quote as a signature you may ask? well, because it's true. Same applies for anyone. Hard times especially in present time, are extremely hard. They take tolls on you emotionally, mentally, physically. They make you devalue yourself and allow you to wallow in self-pity and self-loathe for god knows how long. They enable you to be in a constant sadness no matter what you do. However, the time will come when you realize what you must, and overcome it all. Just because right now they are bad experiences, doesn't mean that they will be forever. They can work in your favor.

 

Progression and development allows you to change yourself, allows you to think more of yourself. Ultimately, allow you to value you and the life of which you are living. Break-ups are obviously one of the most common issues in people's lives and it creates an immensely negative impact on their lives... but, who's there to change that? yourself. You can have restrictions on what you're able to do, limits on your contact with other people, but what really matters is you and how you adjust to these problems and make them into solutions and advantages rather than disadvantages.

 

I believe you will be able to, we all will. Just live life and enjoy whatever possible mate.

[basil67]

Maximboi, if there's one takeaway from seeing her, it should be this: Don't chase a girl who's not ready/unavailable/got excuses. And if you do decide to chase them anyway, don't complain when it goes pearshaped.

 

The bad news is that you brought this on yourself. The good news is that you can learn from it and not do it again. Save your efforts for women who are equally interested.

 

Learn and grow. Look forward to a better future.

[whatnot]

... it's just hard for me to be alone and single with limited friends and illness.

It's all relative Maxim. It's all in what we're fixating on....looking at.

 

Hang in there man

[Maximboi23]

Everyone thank you for taking the time to respond. I will do all I can to go NC and move forward. It is really hard for me to be alone and always had a relationship and I guess I need to because I have never loved myself or put myself first. I just don't get how she just lies like it's nothing and talks to guys and who knows what she has done behind my back

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, this girl has always been a hot mess and she was never with you for the right reasons.

 

A woman who is really into you doesn't keep FWBs around and certainly doesn't flirt with other men repeatedly.

 

Time to stop beating the dead horse.