Gloria25 Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 Ok, I'm not trying to minimize or dismiss what happens to a BS. But, I must ask why a lot of BS blame the OW/OM? IMO, if you're with someone who cheated/cheats - it pretty much boils down to either you: (1) Have a cronic/serial cheater and neither you nor any person will quench WS' thirst; or, (2) Something's broken in your marriage - where both WS and BS need to work on whatever's wrong and decide to move past the affair. I mean, another person could be dancing naked on top of your SO's car hood and your SO would tell them "NO THANKS"...but, if you're with a bad SO or there's problems in your RL, yes, someone is gonna catch their eye. I don't know, I feel like a lot of BS like to take the easy way out and blame the OW/OM - instead of taking responsibility for their role in the failure of their marriage. I mean, we cannot control another person's actions - we can only control ours. So, if you're not taking care of your SO's needs - how can you blame them for straying? If you married a dog, then when they "woof", how can you blame a OW/OM? 1
carhill Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Easier and less dangerous to go after a nameless, faceless person they will never have any meaningful contact with rather than the face that stares back at them daily and can ruin their social and financial life on a turn of whim. Generally, IME, it's a team effort, part of hysterical bonding after trauma. Circle the wagons and defend against the evil interloper. It works. After all, they don't care whether that person lives or dies. Each other, usually they care more, more than zero anyway. 3
Shanex Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 OW/OM has a crush on you or want a quick roll in the hay with you. I agree that they shouldn't get hammered as much, here on LS, or by BS. It is pretty easy for me or any third party to call divorce when situations like these happen. But to me it is the only solution, unless you develop a weird fantasy of being cheated on... A married friend of mine cannot help himself making sleazy comments about light clothed women in summer when we drive around and his wife is home but never cheated on her. He entertains the thought that many other women are still attractive despite being committed for ten years. But he would rather not cross the line, because his children would get involved in the end. 1
purplesorrow Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 My ex cheated because of his own issues. It had nothing to do with our marriage. I blame him. The ow wasn't worth considering. Other than to say she was being a shyty human being too. I won't accept responsibility for something I had no choice about and was hidden from me. If you ow think you're not doing anything wrong, why don't you want anyone to know? She begged me not to expose her. 7
Redhead14 Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Ok, I'm not trying to minimize or dismiss what happens to a BS. But, I must ask why a lot of BS blame the OW/OM? IMO, if you're with someone who cheated/cheats - it pretty much boils down to either you: (1) Have a cronic/serial cheater and neither you nor any person will quench WS' thirst; or, (2) Something's broken in your marriage - where both WS and BS need to work on whatever's wrong and decide to move past the affair. I mean, another person could be dancing naked on top of your SO's car hood and your SO would tell them "NO THANKS"...but, if you're with a bad SO or there's problems in your RL, yes, someone is gonna catch their eye. I don't know, I feel like a lot of BS like to take the easy way out and blame the OW/OM - instead of taking responsibility for their role in the failure of their marriage. I mean, we cannot control another person's actions - we can only control ours. So, if you're not taking care of your SO's needs - how can you blame them for straying? If you married a dog, then when they "woof", how can you blame a OW/OM? The blame is shared . . . the OW has as much responsibility as the SO . . . if she knew he was married. So, if you're not taking care of your SO's needs -- Oftentimes, the SO is a terrible partner anyway so why would she . . . the OW doesn't have a clue what goes on behind those doors. Sometimes she finds out why the SO didn't want to meet his needs because he starts treating her like **** too . . . And, do you have any idea how many men are cheating and still having sex with their wives . . . ????? So, is he cheating on the SO or the OW???? And, some cheaters have several OW's . . . it's very easy to skirt around one to the other . . . The OW's are blamed because if they had better boundaries and self-esteem . . . the SO wouldn't have a soft landing spot . . . they'd have to deal with their role for the failures of the relationship. It's isn't just one of them . . . 1
Popsicle Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 (edited) I'm pretty sure most BS's blame both, but they rail on the OW/OM a whole lot more than their WS because they are still with their WS or wish to be. You can't rail on someone who you want to be with and expect good results. So naturally they go a little easier on the one whom the stakes are higher with (the BS). And lucky for them, right? I do agree that a married person has more of a responsibility and obligation to say "no" to an outside single person because of the vow they made to their spouse, than the outside person has to not interlope. They made no vow to uphold. Edited October 23, 2016 by Popsicle 4
burnt Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 At the risk of generalizing, there are two broad groups of BS's. 1. The BS's who, upon discovering the affair, are done with WS and end the marriage, seem to generally place all the anger/blame on the WS. There's nothing to fix, and 100% of the anger needs to be placed on the WS to fully let go of the marriage and to move on. It is necessary for the BS to see the WS as the sole destroyer of the marriage to fully emotionally detach from WS. 2. The BS's who are willing to reconcile, generally tend to put more anger/blame on the AP. The BS wants the marriage to work, is willing to forgive the WS, and therefore the anger/blame needs a target--hence the AP becomes receiver of most of the blame. If the BS continues to see the WS as the 100% wrong-doer, it's hard to give him another chance. It's kind of necessary to think that he "slipped" and if the OW wasn't wooing him, then MAYBE he might have stayed fully loyal to his wife. This "blaming the OW" makes forgiving the WS a bit easier by taking off some of his responsibility in the crime. I'm generalizing--and my theory doesn't apply to all, but perhaps many cases. 4
NuevoYorko Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 I don't know, I feel like a lot of BS like to take the easy way out and blame the OW/OM - instead of taking responsibility for their role in the failure of their marriage. Those statements don't have anything to do with each other. It's not an easy way out to blame the OW, even though the person at fault is ALWAYS the cheater. There are definitely some very sketchy, toxic people who seem to get pleasure out of trying to destroy someone's relationship, but it's still not their fault. A married person certainly needs to take responsibility for their role in the failure of their marriage. That doesn't have anything to do with their spouse's choice to cheat, or the character of the other party.
seren Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 In my experience, BW's don't heap blame on OW/OM FOR the affair, but for their role in enabling it. Most of us know and do, place the responsibility for having the affair on the WS, but, when an AP says they aren't married, they aren't responsible seems an easy way out of absolving themselves of any responsibility in the hurt of the BS. They aren't to blame for the hurt, but they knew it would cause hurt and still enabled it. I understand that very often they are told, the marriage is over, there is no sex (!) the MP is leaving etc etc, but, while the BS is not made aware of the affair, then most of those are not strictly true. I don't blame the OW for my H having an affair, but I do lay blame on her for contributing to my hurt. Should she care? well she didn't want me to tell her H as she feared physical abuse, so it would have been double standards to expect that. I try to live by my values of not knowingly hurting another, just because the BS cannot be seen hurting doesn't mean they aren't, if the AP continues in an affair knowing that the BS will be hurt, if the affair is kept secret from her, then yes, they are to blame for their part in that. I accept my role in the problems in our marriage, but I accept no responsibility for my H's affair. 3
purplesorrow Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 At the risk of generalizing, there are two broad groups of BS's. 1. The BS's who, upon discovering the affair, are done with WS and end the marriage, seem to generally place all the anger/blame on the WS. There's nothing to fix, and 100% of the anger needs to be placed on the WS to fully let go of the marriage and to move on. It is necessary for the BS to see the WS as the sole destroyer of the marriage to fully emotionally detach from WS. 2. The BS's who are willing to reconcile, generally tend to put more anger/blame on the AP. The BS wants the marriage to work, is willing to forgive the WS, and therefore the anger/blame needs a target--hence the AP becomes receiver of most of the blame. If the BS continues to see the WS as the 100% wrong-doer, it's hard to give him another chance. It's kind of necessary to think that he "slipped" and if the OW wasn't wooing him, then MAYBE he might have stayed fully loyal to his wife. This "blaming the OW" makes forgiving the WS a bit easier by taking off some of his responsibility in the crime. I'm generalizing--and my theory doesn't apply to all, but perhaps many cases. Far too general. Very few probably fit perfectly in either category. 1
Raena Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Where did you get this idea that BS's put the blame solely on the OW/OM? It's simply not true from just about every single story I've read about infidelity from the BS's point of view. There is a lot of hurt and anger and emotional responses after finding out you've been betrayed, sometimes only at the WS, sometimes both. Very rarely is only directed at the OW/OM. Is there hatred towards the interloper? Of course there is... especially if said interloper KNEW they were messing around with someone who was otherwise involved. Or did other disgusting things like... - knowingly have sex in the marital bed - listen in on phone conversations between the married couple - make assumptions about the BS based solely on knowledge obtained from the WS without finding out for themselves what the truth was (or just walking away) - getting involved with the kids of the WS (even going so far as to buy them presents and dream about one day breaking up their family and stealing them away from the BS) - fantasizing about breaking up the family and taking the spot of the BS - befriend the BS while screwing the WS in secret and on and on and on. You wouldn't believe the horror stories I've heard about the bunny boiler behavior of OW/OM. It is completely justifiable that the BS be upset with the OW/OM But don't take that to mean that there isn't just as much anger towards the WS. There is... how could he/she deceive me in this manner, feelings of betrayal, disbelief, shock, anger, sadness, grief, what else have they lied about and on and on and on. This is just a small portion of the feelings a BS feels after finding out the truth. I personally believe that it takes two... a WS can't cheat if they don't have a willing partner to cheat with so they both get blamed... for different reasons maybe... but they both get blamed. 3
cocorico Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 I think in my case, it was simply easier for her to find someone else to blame for her own problems. After all, why break the habit of a lifetime?
xxoo Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Plenty of blame to go around. Why shouldn't the OM/OW be considered responsible for their part? 5
wmacbride Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 In an A, both the ws contributed and ow or om did. No one can have an affair on their own. It's often been said that " why blame the ow/om, as if it wasn't them, it would have been someone else". That is irrelevant, as it wasn't someone else. It was that particular ow/om. It's also extreme black and white thinking to assume that that their is only so much responsibility for an A to go around. No ow or om can force a ws to cheat. That choice is 100 percent on the ws. the same is true for an ow/om. No one can force them to get involved with a mm/mw. That choice is 100 percent on them. Their actions and choices played a role in hurting someone else. The best analogy I ever heard for this was a man is walking down the street and he sees another man assaulting his wife. The man hitting his wife calls out to him and asks him to join in, listing an assortment of reasons why she deserves to be hurt. The stranger decides those reasons are valid, and agrees to start hitting the woman too. Are not both responsible for her pain? Sure, the woman should have been able to trust her H to not hurt her far more than some stranger, but in the end, both took part, and both are responsible for their own actions. If it's a case where the om/ow didn't know their ap is married,it's a very different situation. They didn't go in knowing there was someone else who could be hurt. If ls is any indication, most do know their potential ap is married, but perform some pretty heavy duty mental gymnastics to explain why the A is justified or acceptable.
Toodaloo Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Probably because some people put effort into their marriages even when they are going Pete Tong they don't just take the easy way out and start shagging something else as bit of an excuse. Any person who wants to be dignified and act with grace would end the relationship before dipping into the next one. It really is that simple. So if a person is a gutless wonder and has their bit on the side then what is wrong with calling a spade a spade? 2
NuevoYorko Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 I think in my case, it was simply easier for her to find someone else to blame for her own problems. After all, why break the habit of a lifetime? Or, it was "simply easier" for her husband to screw around than to address the problems in his marriage? 9
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Or, it was "simply easier" for her husband to screw around than to address the problems in his marriage? We live in a disposable world and it shows in our relationships with each other. 1
cocorico Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Or, it was "simply easier" for her husband to screw around than to address the problems in his marriage? No, it wasn't. He didn't "screw around", but he had tried his damndest tomaddress problems in the marriage. But she didn't think there were any. And one person can't fix a marriage on their own, especially if the other person wants things broken and toxic. So he left.
NuevoYorko Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 No, it wasn't. He didn't "screw around", but he had tried his damndest tomaddress problems in the marriage. But she didn't think there were any. And one person can't fix a marriage on their own, especially if the other person wants things broken and toxic. So he left. Maybe you are in a different situation, but this thread is definitely concerned with screwing around. As in: a married person chooses to address, or avoid dealing with their marital problems by having sex with another person, or people, outside of the marriage. Also this thread is about the betrayed who blame the other woman; it seems that your perspective is that it's the fault of the betrayed spouse. I disagree with both perspectives; I think it's all on the cheater. I speak as one who cheated. My marriage was in trouble, my spouse had issues that I had problems dealing with. The person I stepped out with was a toxic and destructive individual who seemed to feed off of my marital strife. Still, the cheating was on me - not my spouse OR the affair partner.
Timshel Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Coco, it seems obvious to me that your relationship has been an exception. The starting point wasn't idyllic but years have passed with honesty and candor. The typical OW situation doesn't apply to you and your husband. It could be said, of course, that your husband being miserable in his marriage could have met you single. The two of you did have an exit affair, I suppose and have made a successful life together. To the OP though, your marriage doesn't seem applicable, at least not to the level of deceit and denial that is typically involved. It doesn't seem necessary to make a comparison. 1
Recommended Posts