In a strange kind of limbo ...

[spiderowl]

I'm in a strange and unexpected situation which sort of crept up on me. Got chatting to a younger guy online. He really wanted to chat and seemed very keen on me. I'm very skeptical of younger men because I can't imagine they'd be interested in anything but a bit of fun, but he does seems different. He's separated and not long out of a marriage (year) so I thought he would be looking for 'fun'. But this doesn't seem to be the case. We both seem to have become emotionally attached as the connection is quite striking. The problem is, it can't develop in any way because he seems to be incapable of meeting. He gets nervous or something and withdraws. I know he feels a lack of experience but I think there is more to it than that.

 

For various reasons, we have been unable to meet (he didn't give me enough notice one time). We nearly did recently but shortly before we were due to meet, he went into minimal communication mode (like a depression) and, to cut a long story short, reacted badly when I was wondering what was going on. We ended up not talking for a long time.

 

Then he got in touch and somehow we got chatting again, this time as friends. It has to be friends because I won't be messed about like that. But, I'm feeling he needs me emotionally and it's too weird for me to be involved in this kind of emotional affair-type thing without it developing. He insists he wants to meet and that he likes me and is attracted to me. I haven't pressured him in the slightest, I don't need to. He doesn't know why things went wrong before, he has low patches. I genuinely think he doesn't know what went wrong but that does not help me.

 

The situation is that I have refused to meet because I don't trust him to follow through now. He seems pretty down about things in general but is maintaining contact. There is no point in me arranging to meet if he gets cold feet again and withdraws at the last minute, it's just too stressful and to me it is a sign that at some deeper level it is not what he wants.

 

So we are stuck. I keep thinking we will just drift apart but we have an amazing connection and can chat about almost anything. He says so and I agree, so we keep ending up chatting. I could stop altogether, have done, but it seems mean - he seems pretty alone in lots of ways. It is rare to find someone on the same wavelength too.

 

I feel bad if I cut off from him completely as he is a friend. But he seems to want the attention and involvement as if it were more than friendship. I have only ever experienced this kind of connection in a romantic relationship. I guess I'm just a transient pseudo something for him until he is ready to go out and start again, but it is very confusing. He is not the type to go and sow his wild oats, he is very conservative in many respects. It's not that he isn't interested in a physical relationship - he is. I've tried to put him off many times but he remains resolute that I'm the person he wants to chat to and likes.

 

Now I'm in this weird pseudo relationship, not daring to go forward for fear of being let down and yet feeling guilty at the thought of developing a relationship with anyone else. It seems bizarre, but it's like two best friends who have found each other. The problem being nothing else works.

 

I think it might help to have some different perspectives on this from you insightful forumers.

Edited October 22, 2016 by spiderowl

[jen1447]

You do have some intriguing experiences in life spiderowl.

 

Here's sth to chew on - I have a handful of friends who are exclusively online friends. They've been everything from just friends to a lot more, but they stay online only, no "in real life." There have generally been opportunities to meet one way or another or at least talk of it, but I've found it's best to compartmentalize online friends and "real life" friends and keep them in their own branches of life. (My approach to this is usually that if the friendship began online, they're an online friend, and if it began IRL, they're "real life" friends, even if you talk to them online or on email etc. from time to time.)

 

The reason this works out best is that IME online is its own thing, and to put it plainly it doesn't always translate well into "real life." Could be any number of reasons, but I'm not really even talking about ppl misrepresenting themselves ....they may just not be quite what you think in flesh and blood compared to behind the computer screen. So I've found it's best to just let them be what they are in their natural environment rather than attempt to bridge the gap and more likely than not be disappointed in some unexpected way, or at least alienated.

 

So ....I guess the point to you is maybe it's not so bad to let this guy stay behind the computer screen. I'm pretty sure you're looking for more than that in life but that doesn't mean you can't still have a friendship like that, and even if it goes beyond friendship. Remember that the rules are diff in the virtual world so notions of commitment and exclusivity don't mean quite what they do IRL.

 

Something to think about anyway.

[misspond]

If something happens easily then it's meant to be, as in this situation you have with this man online and the online friendship that has evolved. As Jen has said, sometimes that's the best way to move forward, just have a friendship that takes place online. Maybe it would be different if he had been able to break free of whatever is holding him back from meeting you in real life, but it's not.

 

At the end of the day, attraction to an online persona is just that, it's online, not an actual physical attraction with all of the ups and downs, highs and lows that that brings. Maybe the bigger question is why you now feel as though developing a real life relationship if it presented itself to you would be in some way something to feel guilty about? From the little you've described there seems to be something that has developed between you, but it's online - it's not real in the sense that you haven't been in one another's physical presence and been able to work on what might come from that.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your thoughts and they are very wise. I suppose what confuses me is that he wants to meet - he says. He gets quite upset at the prospect of us not meeting and yet things don't seem to pan out. I've got fed up of that and pretty much given up. I've never pressured him or asked him to meet; it's always been his idea, it's just he seems to withdraw rather than follow through.

 

I suppose the picture I'm getting is that he needs this online support and pseudo relationship at the moment and is playing with the idea of more, but at some level it doesn't feel right for him. I just wish he would say so rather than mess me about.

 

I want to move on to different things but feel guilty as it has been quite an intense kind of friendship. He likes to spend a lot of time chatting and I'm happy to as well. It is like being in a relationship and I feel I would be betraying him if I met someone else.

 

In fact recently I have got talking to another guy who is very keen to meet - too keen. I actually feel pressured. Can't win! I'm gonna have to give up on him I think 'cos he seems an 'all or nothing' kind of person. He seems to think if I don't invite him over to visit soon (at my house), then I'm not interested! I can sense myself feeling pressured so I have to choose one or the other - meet or not. I'll have to say no because I'm not leaping in just because it's someone else's way of doing things. Why do guys behave like this? It's so self-defeating.