Logo Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 If two adults are in a relationship for more than 6 months and under a year, and they refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, is it a necessity for the two to have a conversation about being exclusive and in a monogamous relationship, or is that implied by the very nature of that relationship? Someone I know insists that my ex didn't really do something so hurtful when she cheated on me after months of being together because we didn't have 'the talk' about being exclusive. I think that's being naive.
mavendark Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 It is assumed that it is exclusive. But I guess it doesn't hurt to check anyway. I think it really depends on the person and how well you knew the other person... 1
kmack513 Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 You should have talk very early on, especially when it becomes sexual. Lots of STDs out there.
smackie9 Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 You are being naive......she was just using it as an excuse. If there was no talk of exclusivity, then there should have been a talk of dating other people. I think if you are going to refer to each other as BF/GF, that's pretty exclusive IMO. Some people will use it as an excuse and claim ignorance, because they know most wouldn't date them under those circumstances. Just my take on it. 1
BlackCherry Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 You gotta have the talk. Until you have the talk, there's no expectation or exclusivity. Plus I can't help but think, if it's been over half a year and you still haven't even talked about only dating one another, what else haven't you talked about? Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't wanna waste months with someone who didn't want the same things in the future (simple things like where to live, family goals, whether marriage is on the cards, the stuff most couples want to agree on). I disagree that the person who said your ex did nothing wrong by seeing someone else while dating you is being 'naive', they're actually being very shrewd in recognising that until there's a discussion around exclusivity, you cannot presume it. Committing yourself exclusively to one person is a big deal, not something you just assume you're both on the same page about. I'd argue that assuming you're both exclusive without ever discussing it is actually naive in itself. 1
smackie9 Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 (edited) If talk of exclusivity should be the rule, then talk of having sex and dating others should be a rule as well. I don't think it's very fair to expect one without the other. Obviously you need to make sure you are both on the same page and keep everything above board. IMO your ex took advantage. I feel it's not right to assume it's ok to f&&^% around JUST because there was no talk of exclusivity.....the other person has a right to know especially where sex is involve and of course feelings. Edited October 22, 2016 by smackie9
Author Logo Posted October 22, 2016 Author Posted October 22, 2016 From time to time we joked about how we were going to grow old together and how we would be when we're older. We talked about being with each other long term, introducing each other to family, what each one's family was like and so on. She's not the one who brought up exclusivity. It was a friend who's not very experienced in relationships and who doesn't think cheating is that reprehensible. He brought it up as one of his theories as to why she cheated. That's bs. We had long term plans and we weren't dating anymore. It was a relationship. We were seeing each other on a regular basis. 1
BlackCherry Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 From time to time we joked about how we were going to grow old together and how we would be when we're older. We talked about being with each other long term, introducing each other to family, what each one's family was like and so on. She's not the one who brought up exclusivity. It was a friend who's not very experienced in relationships and who doesn't think cheating is that reprehensible. He brought it up as one of his theories as to why she cheated. That's bs. We had long term plans and we weren't dating anymore. It was a relationship. We were seeing each other on a regular basis. Well maybe she'd have still done it even if you had have had the exclusivity talk, you'll never know unfortunately. If she loved, respected and wanted a future with you she wouldn't have screwed someone else whether or not you discussed being monogamous. But that doesn't negate the need to establish the boundaries in a new relationship as standard. I'm sorry that you're hurting from her actions, in my opinion I don't think that having had the talk would have prevented her from acting in this way.
BlackCherry Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 If talk of exclusivity should be the rule, then talk of having sex and dating others should be a rule as well. I don't think it's very fair to expect one without the other. Obviously you need to make sure you are both on the same page and keep everything above board. IMO your ex took advantage. I feel it's not right to assume it's ok to f&&^% around JUST because there was no talk of exclusivity.....the other person has a right to know especially where sex is involve and of course feelings. That's why it's so important to outright talk to someone about being exclusive if that's what you want, as everyone goes into Rs with their own expectations of how to behave. For example unless a guy specifically brought up exclusivity, I'd presume he was still dating or free to date others and I wouldn't stop dating or being open to date others until we'd established being monogamous. However I know some people who for some reason (cultural?) presume that from the first few dates onward, unless their partner specifically states they're seeing someone else or dating around they're only seeing them. We all come into Rs single (hopefully!) and as default are dating around and sleeping with whoever we wish (or at least have the freedom to do so) which is why I feel the onus is on bringing up exclusivity, which changes that status quo. The onus isn't on someone to bring up that they're continuing to date around as normal as they're maintaining the status quo. In an ideal world we'd all sit down a few weeks in and lay our cards on the table but if exclusivity is important to someone, it's on them to bring it up.
smackie9 Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 OP people cheat for many different reasons. I doubt your situation has anything to do with lack of "the talk". Some people are serial cheaters that are narcissistic in their way of thinking. Some get so caught up in the attraction they emotionally lose themselves, like a drug addict losses themselves on heroin, where nothing matters but their desire. So sorry for your loss. On the positive side, be thankful you only invested 6 months not 6 years or a marriage. I bet money on it, having the talk of exclusivity wouldn't have mattered....people will cheat regardless. 4
Author Logo Posted October 23, 2016 Author Posted October 23, 2016 So sorry for your loss. On the positive side, be thankful you only invested 6 months not 6 years or a marriage. I am thankful. I beat myself up sometimes for staying with her longer than I should I have. I saw red flags early on, indications that she was flaky and a game player, but I chalked them up to her going through a hard time or being unorganized. I bet money on it, having the talk of exclusivity wouldn't have mattered....people will cheat regardless. You're absolutely right. Now that I think about it, we had talks about other issues where she made me promises, looked me straight in the eyes and lied through her teeth. She was very convincing and then she would break those promises and come up with a million and one excuses. I thought she was going through a hard time. But she was a scheming, manipulating, narcissistic s***. After a while, I wasn't buying it anymore, but we were too deep into the relationship and it was too late anyway.
Ami1uwant Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Sorry it happened to you. The wy I look at relationship... 1 early dating 2. Exclusivity 3. Bf/gf 4. Serious relationship 5. Living together/engaged 6 marriage With exclusivity if you met in traditional ways it happens naturally without talking. In online dating meeting you need to bring up the subject because it means you only date each other. 1
basil67 Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 I believe that bf/gf implies exclusivity. In my eyes, she cheated. Now, this is the opinion of your friend. But what about the girl? Did she apologise or did she say "we weren't exclusive?". If it was the former, then she knew full well that the two of you were exclusive. 1
Recommended Posts