Emotional support and relationships

[4givrnt4gtr]

When you are in a long term relationship, do you expect that your partner/husband/wife be your emotional support? Do you let them know/see when you are sad, anxious or scared all the time?

 

If not, how do you decide when to let them in and when to keep them out? And when you do keep them out, how do you go about dealing with them when you are not feeling happy without pretending you are ok when you arent (particularly when you live with them).

[Gaeta]

When you are in a long term relationship, do you expect that your partner/husband/wife be your emotional support? Do you let them know/see when you are sad, anxious or scared all the time?

 

I have fixed my life so I don't feel sad, anxious or scared all the time. If I did I would seek professional help, not ask my boyfriend to play shrink. My BF is not equipped to sit there and act as a professional, that would be too much pressure on him.

 

If not, how do you decide when to let them in and when to keep them out? And when you do keep them out, how do you go about dealing with them when you are not feeling happy without pretending you are ok when you arent (particularly when you live with them).

 

I do let my bf know that I am going through some stress at work, or I have a health worry BUT I don't shed on him any of that stress or worry and again I don't use him as a shrink. I go out there and find ways to deal with my stress like yoga class, gym, running, quiet times.

[basil67]

I do my best to not burden my partner with my issues. He does the same with me.

 

Sure, we do some occasional venting about family or work issues, but if we find ourselves venting too often, we know that we need to make changes to our own lives.

[basil67]

Though sometimes I might say "If I seem a little off, it's not you. I'm just feeling a bit tired/fragile" and leave it at that.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Thank guys I appeciate the responses.

 

How about if its your husband/wife?

[basil67]

Thank guys I appeciate the responses.

 

How about if its your husband/wife?

 

It wouldn't make any difference - my partner has been my partner for 25 years. We consider ourselves husband and wife.

[basil67]

I was looking for more context in your history and found this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/513196-must-hide-how-i-feel

 

I assume this is still an issue?

 

Thing is, on their own, each of the examples you gave is OK to have a whinge about. But if you whinge frequently, it becomes annoying to those around you.

 

For example, when it comes to aches and pains, it's fine to mention it if it's significant enough to go to a doctor or physio. Don't complain about the weather unless it's a heat wave/cold snap and everyone else is suffering too. And yes, it's OK to mention that an app is annoying you...but only if you haven't been having a complain about other things.

 

It's also fine to say "hey, it's a bit cold out here, would you mind if we get an indoor table?" Again though, it would get annoying if you do this kind of stuff frequently. If you are easily bothered by weather, you'd do well to learn to dress in layers instead of suffering. Cardigans can be your best friend.

 

If you're sad or anxious frequently, go to a psychologist and learn coping strategies.

 

In short, keep shared negativity to an absolute minimum. That way, when something significant really is bothering you, those around you will listen and take you seriously.

[LastAcorn99]

If some issues are really affecting me emotionally, I always make sure that I let my spouse know what I’m up against, and I expect the same from my spouse. While I don’t expect my spouse to be my shrink, or find solutions for my problems; I do believe that being there for each other is what strengthens a relationship.

[Toodaloo]

Never been married but in long term relationships I tend to say exactly what I need. For example. I need a hug and to cry for ten minutes. I need to scream and shout and vent. I need some advice on how to handle this. I need the washing up done before i get back or you are grounded... Whoops that one was for the kids not the partner!!! i made it clear it was not them that had caused my mood (unless it was in which case they got both barrels).

 

If I am constantly sad or miserable or worried I tend to wort out what is causing that and get on with it. If it was them making me constantly sad, miserable or anxious then I am afraid they became history as soon as I had the balls to end it.

 

There is a difference between expecting a bit of support and expecting others to deal with/ sort out your problems.

[Got it]

How much, how little, what perimeters are really dictated by the two people in the relationship. In my marriage, my husband "vents" far more that I do and I am his primary sounding board/support and will complain about work, etc almost daily. It annoys me some times because it can be a broken record but it is where he is right now and so I try and support him. I have suggested him making changes when there are definite themes that he needs to change or learn to accept.

 

He is emotional support for me and I don't tend to edit what I am going to say/feel or frequency. Usually I am looking for empathy and affirmations.

 

There are times I don't express it to him because the topic in general has already irritated the heck out of me, I don't feel I will get the response I want or it's about him and I don't feel like hashing it out/trying to let it go.

 

Also, right now we are dealing with sleep deprivation with a 10 month old who wants to bond all night so there are a lot of annoyances and frustration both of us have tied to that. So there is far more biting our tongue/keeping in perspective than prior to her birth.

 

For myself, if I am upset, worried or sad about something for an extended period of time I would seek professional help.

[Giggle]

My bf insists on knowing. I can't even not say something is frustrating me because he sees it and then wants to know what it is. A vague answer doesn't cut it.