thecrucible Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 Please help And btw I appreciate all your advice on my previous thread about online dating. My social skills aren't terrible. I have many acquaintances and some close friends. I also don't lack relationship experience with men so it's not fear of the unknown that affects me. In my day job, I work directly with the public so I have to be outgoing and friendly to do my job well. So when it comes to dating, if a man seems like he's even mildly interested in me as a person or even could be interested in me, I just assume "ah he won't be interested in me" and so I am very bad at flirting back even if I can tell that he is flirting with me. And I just get really shy if I do find a man appealing. It's like a deer struck in headlights. I sometimes see men I find attractive and want to know more but I'm just too scared to even engage them in conversation. I mean what if they already have a girlfriend? will I come across really badly? will they think I'm desperate? My confidence is at low point at the moment. I've put on weight (which I'm doing something about) and I just don't feel so impressive as a person. The last guy I dated was not very nice to me about certain things like my figure. I was at the thinnest I could be without not eating properly and at one point I wasn't eating much due to stress and he even complimented me on my figure and encouraged me to try and lose more weight (I didn't in the end). I'm naturally curvy so I will be perceived as big by some even if I am at a healthy weight. I'm turning 27 soon and this stuff just gets to me because I think "well I am a grown woman now". I was in a few relationships in the past with guys who mistreated me. I've grown a lot in confidence and will not let that happen ever again. I'm aware that if I was more assertive in certain ways, then I'd get more respect. I want to come across as confident to men and not like a scared schoolgirl. I want to look sexier as well. I often get described as cute rather than 'sexy'. Can any men (or women) advise me please on upping my game?
hew Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 Hey! I could really relate your post in so many ways. For me as well, I have put on weight and my confidence has just been shot down. I think its hard because we see so many men especially desiring small bodies and it makes us feel ashamed or embarrassed that we are not the "ideal" image. Finding body positive websites or blogs etc, helps a lot when you are working on yourself. Find things to inspire you along the way and remind you that you're not alone. Just remember every day is a new day and you can make anything you want out of yourself. Yourself is good enough, and the right person will assure you of that! To the right person you will be more than just sexy, you'll be absolutely beautiful. I think you just have to believe it is possible for someone to fall for you so just go with it if it feels right, you never know what can happen. 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 How did you meet these past guys you dated? Ws it through an OLD site? through friends? you shared the same social group? You being in your later 20s it may start to get harder because many have a policy of not dating people they work with. Then when people are working professional jobs they may not be as socially active like they were in college or non professional careers. On top of that people start to get married off so if you are in a smaller city you may be void of guys to even date because the good ones are married and those available may be social awkward as you so you two meeting is hard.
PogoStick Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 Let me just say, don't take offense to being called cute! I'm a man who likes "cute" girls. To me cute means youthful and attractive. So hey, don't get pissy with us for giving you the wrong compliment. It's a compliment!
jen1447 Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 I think the common thread I see in women who have these concerns is they just worry about it too much. So the best thing you could do is not give a damn. Srsly ....that would clear up a lot of the behavior and perception problems right there. (And I don't mean turn into a bitter isolationist and hate ppl, I just mean go out and live your life and let come what may.) As far as weight and figure goes, honestly that stuff only matters for the ppl who choose to live that life - dance clubs, social events, that sort of mentality. It doesn't mean most ppl don't care about looks at all - they do - but most ppl also happen to live in the real world where most ppl are average-ish and have flaws, and the fact is most guys would be happy to have a warm body attached to someone they care for curling up next to them at night. SO ....try to be more comfy in your own skin, forget about physical ideals and just be an attractive version of you, stop worrying about the game, and let it come to you. Usually it does if you're a generally happy and approachable person who seems to have self respect and compassion.
Author thecrucible Posted October 24, 2016 Author Posted October 24, 2016 Finding body positive websites or blogs etc, helps a lot when you are working on yourself. Find things to inspire you along the way and remind you that you're not alone. Just remember every day is a new day and you can make anything you want out of yourself. Yourself is good enough, and the right person will assure you of that! To the right person you will be more than just sexy, you'll be absolutely beautiful. I think you just have to believe it is possible for someone to fall for you so just go with it if it feels right, you never know what can happen. Hi Hew, Thank you for your kind words. I think I can be my own worst critic as I certainly don't judge men with a bit of extra weight. There's been a few guys in the past who've liked me whatever my weight or they actually like a bit of junk in the trunk. I think I'll try and get back into exercise and just find some better fitting clothes for how I am now and see how I get along with that. I've seen women with all kinds of figures get all kinds of guys so maybe I shouldn't overthink it.
Author thecrucible Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 How did you meet these past guys you dated? Ws it through an OLD site? through friends? you shared the same social group? I met the first boyfriend through a friend at university. We met again at the pub and he challenged me to a game of pool. We dated for just over a year but it didn't last (long story). The relationship cast a bit of a shadow afterwards. The next boyfriend I actually approached myself in the library at university. I was the librarian at my residence and so one day I saw him in the library so I gave him some of a snack I had in case he got hungry while he was studying. We studied similar subjects so we started chatting about our academic interests. Then eventually we got together. We dated for almost 3 years. We broke up 5 years ago. Since then I've dated 6 other guys but it never led to anything long-term. I kept meeting guys who weren't interested in the real deal and I was in my shell a bit because of a bad breakup. The longest relationship I had since then lasted 3 months and I just walked away from it because the guy was emotionally avoidant. I find it hard to find men in my home town who are the type I like to date (I'm not trying to sound snobby, I just mean university-educated people). I've always been bookish and I'd like to meet a similar guy. Last summer I started dating a teacher who I had a lot in common with but it didn't go beyond three dates as I was unable to feel enough attraction for him. I really tried, and we kissed but it just felt like kissing my brother. You being in your later 20s it may start to get harder because many have a policy of not dating people they work with. Then when people are working professional jobs they may not be as socially active like they were in college or non professional careers. On top of that people start to get married off so if you are in a smaller city you may be void of guys to even date because the good ones are married and those available may be social awkward as you so you two meeting is hard. I wouldn't describe myself as socially awkward. I'd say I'm slightly shy but I've always been happy to start up conversations with people. Of course, what I think doesn't matter as maybe I'm perceived as more socially awkward than I'd like to be? I'm unable to meet men through work as I work in a team of 3 women. Outside of work, I help run an after-school club for girls and all the volunteers there are female. I also volunteer for a charity (most volunteers are older veterans). I mean one of them is always saying "I hope I live long enough to see you walk down the aisle".
Author thecrucible Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 Let me just say, don't take offense to being called cute! I'm a man who likes "cute" girls. To me cute means youthful and attractive. So hey, don't get pissy with us for giving you the wrong compliment. It's a compliment! Aw thank you. Well one thing I never do is negate a compliment when I get it so at least I am getting that part right.
Author thecrucible Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 I think the common thread I see in women who have these concerns is they just worry about it too much. So the best thing you could do is not give a damn. Srsly ....that would clear up a lot of the behavior and perception problems right there. (And I don't mean turn into a bitter isolationist and hate ppl, I just mean go out and live your life and let come what may.) I've managed that approach quite successfully for a while now. While worrying less about dating, I've actually managed to achieve some personal goals. But it's like I've reached some critical point (quarter life crisis?) when I've realised that a certain amount of time has passed...I value my self-esteem more than getting into a relationship so it doesn't make me desperate but it does make me think about how I'm doing. I want to find someone I can eventually marry and have a family with. SO ....try to be more comfy in your own skin, forget about physical ideals and just be an attractive version of you, stop worrying about the game, and let it come to you. Usually it does if you're a generally happy and approachable person who seems to have self respect and compassion. Aw thank you. I think you are right about this one. When I had lost weight before it didn't automatically translate into a bf (although I got more attention). That just showed me how important personality is in the end because I am still the same person now. I think if I was to make a small goal, that goal would be to see a man I like and actually approach him and see what's what or try to flirt with him rather than freaking out a little under the surface. Another thing is I'd like to meet men in non-alcohol settings as I've stopped trying to meet men on nights out. I just enjoy myself with my friends now as men in clubs can be not very nice. With a glass of wine I'm like "hey" and can approach anyone though.
transform yourself Posted October 25, 2016 Posted October 25, 2016 Dear thecrucible, Thank you for taking the time to share your experience and how you feel in this situation. When it comes to upping your game my suggestion would be to focus on building your inner game. As how you feel about yourself will project to the outside world through your body language and tonality. So if you feel good about yourself, others will feel good in their presence as per the law of state transference. If you feel your weight is a problem and affecting how you feel about yourself, when how would it look like if you set yourself a goal to loose x number of kilos how do you see yourself feeling if you were to carry this out. I remember when I was overweight and after 3 months or so when I saw myself with a slimmer body and slimmer waist I would look at myself in the mirror and say "hey gorgeous" It felt absolutely amazing. Another thing is to carry out positive affirmations, look at yourself in the mirror and look at yourself and say the following sentences. 1. I am amazing 2. I feel sexy 3. Men adore me 4. I will find a decent man. Look at yourself in the mirror and on a daily basis say these out aloud every morning. This will eventually reprogram your mind and fill them with positive thoughts. Please me know how it goes. I also have another amazing thing which I will specifically benefit you. If you want me to share this please let me know. Prash
Author thecrucible Posted October 26, 2016 Author Posted October 26, 2016 As far as weight and figure goes, honestly that stuff only matters for the ppl who choose to live that life - dance clubs, social events, that sort of mentality. It doesn't mean most ppl don't care about looks at all - they do - but most ppl also happen to live in the real world where most ppl are average-ish and have flaws, and the fact is most guys would be happy to have a warm body attached to someone they care for curling up next to them at night. SO ....try to be more comfy in your own skin, forget about physical ideals and just be an attractive version of you, stop worrying about the game, and let it come to you. Usually it does if you're a generally happy and approachable person who seems to have self respect and compassion. Thanks for your thoughts. I know what you mean! I think a good mood and self-compassion definitely shows in your body language and men can gauge a woman who respects herself and feels confident. I hopefully will get more comfortable in my skin as time goes on. I think it's part of my personality. I'm a sweet person deep down and I have a sensitive nature but I'm not very exuberant. I'm one of those women that random men say 'smile' to in the street because they think dead pan me is very miserable. So I suppose that's where the approach-ability factor kicks in. I see a lot of men write that they want "a woman who doesn't take herself seriously" in their dating profiles. I think they would probably think I was quite serious. I'm like this in a lot of situations, dating aside. There have been times in the past when I've been as sweet as what I am naturally and I've felt it hasn't been appreciated. It results in me being kind of cynical and having a wall up. I haven't been in a relationship before where the guy totally gets me and makes me feel fully wanted, loved and desired. Of the previous guys I dated, one said he found me "hard to read" and another said I "analyse too much".
Author thecrucible Posted October 26, 2016 Author Posted October 26, 2016 When it comes to upping your game my suggestion would be to focus on building your inner game. As how you feel about yourself will project to the outside world through your body language and tonality. So if you feel good about yourself, others will feel good in their presence as per the law of state transference. I know what you mean. I've almost got this down. It really depends on how I'm feeling at the time. I have anxiety and on really off days, I think it can be quite difficult for me but I've mastered the art of focusing on the positive in conversation with others, and making others feel good. I don't find it difficult asking other people questions about themselves when I get to know. I do find it difficult talking about myself. If you feel your weight is a problem and affecting how you feel about yourself, when how would it look like if you set yourself a goal to loose x number of kilos how do you see yourself feeling if you were to carry this out. I remember when I was overweight and after 3 months or so when I saw myself with a slimmer body and slimmer waist I would look at myself in the mirror and say "hey gorgeous" It felt absolutely amazing. Well I lost lots of weight before (almost 50lbs) and then achieved a personal goal of running a (very slow) half marathon. This was my peak of wellbeing so I'm hoping to be at that point again. I was so pleased with myself then. I felt a amazing. Then I went through another bad patch and put a lot back on. Another thing is to carry out positive affirmations, look at yourself in the mirror and look at yourself and say the following sentences. 1. I am amazing 2. I feel sexy 3. Men adore me 4. I will find a decent man. I will try. 1 and 2 seem achievable but I'm a bit on edge about 3 and 4 to be honest. Thank you for your tips. Please me know how it goes. I also have another amazing thing which I will specifically benefit you. If you want me to share this please let me know. Prash I will let you know how I get on.
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