CryForNoOne Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 An acquaintance brought a girl to a bar last night that he introduced as his "friend". It didn't seem like a date but I definitely got the vibe that he's in the friendzone but trying not to be. I was very interested in her but out of respect for him I was also careful not to cross the line and flirt with her. He and I are both friends with the bouncer and we often hang out at the front and chat about sports, politics, etc over beers for hours and hours. So he is a friend but we never hang out under any other context. Basically, this night she was the guest and being an attractive female, was the obvious center of attention. I'm pretty certain she was interested in me because she listened attentively to anything I had to say and I counted 5 different occasions that she made body contact - usually touching me with her hand reacting to something I said. I kept thinking, I like that, but it also made me feel uncomfortable around the guy who brought her. When he went to the bathroom, she immediately said to me "So tell me what you do. I'd love to hear more interesting stuff about you..." I paused realizing that was my moment to get her number but I hesitated, kept things innocent and that was pretty much that as he was back about a minute later. What really started getting to me was after he returned we kept talking and I started regretting my decision more and more. I found out we have so many common interests it started driving me nuts. The chemistry was obvious. Anyway, I had to walk away because I couldn't take it anymore. So now the next day I'm still thinking about her. I know her name, where she went to school and where she works. I'm fairly certain I could track her down on social media but it's not my style and I've never done that. Or do I ask my friend if he's interested in her? I get the feeling he might say he's not even if he is. It's just his personality - super nice and probably why I think he's friendzoned to begin with. Or I could just move on and completely forget about her in a couple days.
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 Ask yourself if getting her number and seeing where things lead with her is worth losing a friend over. Make your decision based on how you answer that question.
IfonlyIknew Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 I can relate to this pretty well. (I'm 31/F). I went to a party with a (guy) friend of mine i've known for years. I meet one of his friends there, we hit it off, this guy asks my friend if he was interested in me in any way, he "didn't want to step on his toes". My friend gave him the green light and said "shes all yours", we ended up together for 8 years and 2 kids. You just never know if you don't ask. I don't think you are crossing boundaries. 3
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 I can relate to this pretty well. (I'm 31/F). I went to a party with a (guy) friend of mine i've known for years. I meet one of his friends there, we hit it off, this guy asks my friend if he was interested in me in any way, he "didn't want to step on his toes". My friend gave him the green light and said "shes all yours", we ended up together for 8 years and 2 kids. You just never know if you don't ask. I don't think you are crossing boundaries. Props to that man, we need more men like this. If I had a friend who is interested in a woman I am, I let him have a shot with her and even if she wants me, I'd pull away from her completely.
Author CryForNoOne Posted October 21, 2016 Author Posted October 21, 2016 Ask yourself if getting her number and seeing where things lead with her is worth losing a friend over. Make your decision based on how you answer that question. So the real friendship is with the bouncer. I'm thinking I'll ask him as they are really good friends and I only know acquaintance through bouncer friend. That said I generally avoid hitting on even a stranger's date as I would not appreciate someone doing that to me. However, as with most things there are exceptions. If you only want to sleep with her OR they are dating (not on a date), then that's totally off limits. If she's single and starts flirting AND you see relationship potential beyond just sex, that's when it gets in the grey area and what drove me nuts last night.
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 You can totally ask your friend, after all he did introduce her as a friend... Chances are he is interested in her though if he brought her out.
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 So the real friendship is with the bouncer. I'm thinking I'll ask him as they are really good friends and I only know acquaintance through bouncer friend. That said I generally avoid hitting on even a stranger's date as I would not appreciate someone doing that to me. However, as with most things there are exceptions. If you only want to sleep with her OR they are dating (not on a date), then that's totally off limits. If she's single and starts flirting AND you see relationship potential beyond just sex, that's when it gets in the grey area and what drove me nuts last night. You are getting a bit carried away here.
Author CryForNoOne Posted October 21, 2016 Author Posted October 21, 2016 You are getting a bit carried away here. How so? I didn't really think it through in those terms until you asked me to...
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 How so? I didn't really think it through in those terms until you asked me to... If you like her then make a move but this talk of a potential relationship based off one interaction sounds like you're rushing into things.
Author CryForNoOne Posted October 21, 2016 Author Posted October 21, 2016 If you like her then make a move but this talk of a potential relationship based off one interaction sounds like you're rushing into things. LOL! That's not what I mean when I say potential relationship. If a girl is attractive enough that I want to sleep with her and we have a good time together, that's enough for casual sex. I won't date anyone long term though if we don't have similar life goals, values, and political/religious views. I'm not building a pedestal for her as we speak. Just saying I usually know within one date if someone is the marrying type or not. And no that doesn't mean I want to marry them. I'm just not crossing them off the list...
smackie9 Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 Dude it's survival of the fittest. Find her on social media and ask her out or you are really going to regret it. She is single/fair game....she isn't someone's property!!!!! stop pussyfooting around, it's not morally wrong to ask a single lady out....I'm sure there are many guys in her social circle that wish to date her....she is the one that makes the decision who she dates NOT YOU GUYS. 4
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 LOL! That's not what I mean when I say potential relationship. If a girl is attractive enough that I want to sleep with her and we have a good time together, that's enough for casual sex. I won't date anyone long term though if we don't have similar life goals, values, and political/religious views. I'm not building a pedestal for her as we speak. Just saying I usually know within one date if someone is the marrying type or not. And no that doesn't mean I want to marry them. I'm just not crossing them off the list... Understood. If you're interested ask her out.
kmack513 Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 OP, in my line of work I always follow if you think it is unethical or illegal, it probably is so don't do it. Your drinking buddy is probably not dating the girl, but hey he knows her so why no lean on him for info? Call him up and ask him about the girl. 1) You get info about the girl 2) You are in an indirect way being respectful to him
joseb Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 Dude it's survival of the fittest. Find her on social media and ask her out or you are really going to regret it. She is single/fair game....she isn't someone's property!!!!! stop pussyfooting around, it's not morally wrong to ask a single lady out....I'm sure there are many guys in her social circle that wish to date her....she is the one that makes the decision who she dates NOT YOU GUYS. Perhaps this is one of those areas where guys and girls differ. If a friend of mine was interested in a girl and I met her with him, no way in hell I am going to hit on her or ask her out, unless I have it in for him. Now if she really is just an acquaintance, and he has made that clear, then that's a different story.
JewelD Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 If you were a woman, I would say not to do it. Just because it would certainly turn into a huge mess. I've noticed that many guys don't seem to give a crap though. Or at least will pretend like they don't until they legit don't care about the situation. I've met guys through other guys I was semi-interested in and it was never a big deal about switching to talking to their friend instead. Could be a pride thing. But it all depends on how sensitive your friend is. If he's a close friend, you already know how he's going to react. If you don't know how he would react, he's probably not that close of a friend and therefore you can attempt to date this girl without any significant consequences.
SammySammy Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 You can talk to him about it, but I'm sure he's interested in her. Even if he says they are just friends. Getting with her will probably end your friendship with him and some of your other mutual friends too when they take sides. Sometimes, it's worth it to forgo some opportunities.
Author CryForNoOne Posted October 22, 2016 Author Posted October 22, 2016 So I asked my bouncer friend and he said they met on OK Cupid. He drove them home that night and dropped them at his place so he thinks he slept with her. But he also added she was definitely hitting on me. I tried to find her on Facebook but they aren't friends so I think it's done. Oh well...
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 So I asked my bouncer friend and he said they met on OK Cupid. Even better. You know where to find her then. Take out a profile and get looking.
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 So I asked my bouncer friend and he said they met on OK Cupid. He drove them home that night and dropped them at his place so he thinks he slept with her. But he also added she was definitely hitting on me. I tried to find her on Facebook but they aren't friends so I think it's done. Oh well... Do you really want a woman that may have had sex with your friend?
Author CryForNoOne Posted October 22, 2016 Author Posted October 22, 2016 iDo you really want a woman that may have had sex with your friend? Why? Does that make her a slvt? If you slept with an attractive girl last night, does that mean you are somehow dirty and unattractive today? 1
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 i Why? Does that make her a slvt? If you slept with an attractive girl last night, does that mean you are somehow dirty and unattractive today? Somebody's getting awfully defensive of this woman. No I would never call a woman the S word for having sex. What I mean is do you really want your friend's sloppy seconds? Where I come from that's frowned upon but maybe it's different where you come from. 1
joseb Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 So I asked my bouncer friend and he said they met on OK Cupid. He drove them home that night and dropped them at his place so he thinks he slept with her. But he also added she was definitely hitting on me. I tried to find her on Facebook but they aren't friends so I think it's done. Oh well... So now you know they are not just friends. In your original post, you implied that the reason you were thinking of pursuing her was because you didn't think there was anything romantically between them. You now know this not to be true, but you still are trying to chase her. So I guess I don't understand your original question now. Put yourself in the guys shoes. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 Somebody's getting awfully defensive of this woman. No I would never call a woman the S word for having sex. What I mean is do you really want your friend's sloppy seconds? Where I come from that's frowned upon but maybe it's different where you come from. Actually, that could make the friend the "sloppy second" because she might want a relationship with the OP whom she was clearly interested in and only wanted to use the friend for sex. See how that works? And how pointless it is to refer to anyone as a "sloppy second?" Technically we're all sloppy seconds to something or someone. No need for that kind of language. 1
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 (edited) Actually, that could make the friend the "sloppy second" because she might want a relationship with the OP whom she was clearly interested in and only wanted to use the friend for sex. See how that works? And how pointless it is to refer to anyone as a "sloppy second?" Technically we're all sloppy seconds to something or someone. No need for that kind of language. Let's not create mountains out of molehills here. Your post doesn't make sense. The friend hooks up with the woman first and he's getting the sloppy seconds? It's the OP who may be presented with his friend's most recent partner which means he's getting his friend's old news. Also if she used his friend for sex and wants the OP as a relationship partner, then the analogy of the alpha male vs the beta male may well come into play. Edited October 22, 2016 by Fishfingersareyummy
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