I do but I don't

October 31, 2016

I am 6 months out of a 2 and 1/2 year long affair and I struggle every day to rebuild the ruins I created.

If only...if only.

Your friend trusts you. Your husband trusts you. Your children trust you. Don't throw it all away for what will turn out to be enormously destructive to everyone around you, including yourself. And every moment spent in it will be a moment of your life GONE.

Stop while you can.

T/j

@Southern Sun...How are you?

You made a post about no contact in mid March 2015 and you said yours was a 1.5 year affair? Do you mean to say that you continued the affair for another year when you claimed to end it here?

October 31, 2016

Your probably right I wouldn't have been typing the message if I didn't want him to see it but....I always would delete them before sending them. That particular day the phone fell from my hand and as I went to catch it I hit the send button so that's how it was an accident. But truth be told I should have never been composing the message to begin with.

are you serious lollll

October 31, 2016

T/j

@Southern Sun...How are you?

You made a post about no contact in mid March 2015 and you said yours was a 1.5 year affair? Do you mean to say that you continued the affair for another year when you claimed to end it here?

Oh gosh, well, it WAS over...then.

I'm sorry to say we had another reprisal months later. So calling it two and a half years isn't really accurate. It's just taken up that much of my life.

I've come clean with my husband and have finally walked away. I won't go back.

October 31, 2016

Moco, are you in therapy? It might help greatly in showing you whether you want the OM for himself at all- whether your desire for him is a symptom of something else that you feel is missing in your life? Not missing in your marriage necessarily- just missing in your life and in you.

I'm going to offer a paraphrase of Esther Perel, whose insights IMO make sense in your situation. She says that in seeking an affair, sometimes we are looking for someone who can reflect back an image of us we desperately want. While some MM catch on and manipulate these feelings for all they're worth, others might remain quite unaware. But in either case, if your desire for that other self-image is potent enough, the AP or MM won't have to lift a finger or say a word for the fantasy to keep going; we project on to them all whatever we want from them. .

You contemplated having an affair with this guy, but were you longing for HIM as much as you were for a find a different, more "alive" you? I'm saying this in part because your actual interactions with him have been kind of thin. What he's said to you is unequivocal. The rest....the stolen looks, the sparks, the instant connection, etc. could be real or not. So maybe you are projecting a little.

Or maybe not- I as an internet stranger would certainly not be able to tell you if you are, but you'll be able to figure it out with the help of a good therapist.

Btw, IF the OM is just a symptom, then nipping this thing in the bud will only get you so far. You will still need to keep looking for the X factor that you feel is missing in your life.

Edited October 31, 2016 by stilltrying16

November 2, 2016

Moco, are you in therapy? It might help greatly in showing you whether you want the OM for himself at all- whether your desire for him is a symptom of something else that you feel is missing in your life? Not missing in your marriage necessarily- just missing in your life and in you.

I'm going to offer a paraphrase of Esther Perel, whose insights IMO make sense in your situation. She says that in seeking an affair, sometimes we are looking for someone who can reflect back an image of us we desperately want. While some MM catch on and manipulate these feelings for all they're worth, others might remain quite unaware. But in either case, if your desire for that other self-image is potent enough, the AP or MM won't have to lift a finger or say a word for the fantasy to keep going; we project on to them all whatever we want from them. .

You contemplated having an affair with this guy, but were you longing for HIM as much as you were for a find a different, more "alive" you? I'm saying this in part because your actual interactions with him have been kind of thin. What he's said to you is unequivocal. The rest....the stolen looks, the sparks, the instant connection, etc. could be real or not. So maybe you are projecting a little.

Or maybe not- I as an internet stranger would certainly not be able to tell you if you are, but you'll be able to figure it out with the help of a good therapist.

Btw, IF the OM is just a symptom, then nipping this thing in the bud will only get you so far. You will still need to keep looking for the X factor that you feel is missing in your life.

I have definitely thought about seeing a therapist but not sure exactly what to tell my husband my reason for going is...I don't plan to share any of this with him at this point. As for the projecting I guess that may be possible but the OM has made a few suggestive comments about how good I look all when his wife was in another room.....so who knows still trying my best to move on and not let anything develop between us as that would be a complete disaster if we were caught!

November 2, 2016

I have definitely thought about seeing a therapist but not sure exactly what to tell my husband my reason for going is...I don't plan to share any of this with him at this point. As for the projecting I guess that may be possible but the OM has made a few suggestive comments about how good I look all when his wife was in another room.....so who knows still trying my best to move on and not let anything develop between us as that would be a complete disaster if we were caught!

This is the problem, your concern is not getting caught when it should be not doing it. The problem is soon you will convince yourself that you can get away with it....to be continued.

November 2, 2016

I have definitely thought about seeing a therapist but not sure exactly what to tell my husband my reason for going is...I don't plan to share any of this with him at this point. As for the projecting I guess that may be possible but the OM has made a few suggestive comments about how good I look all when his wife was in another room.....so who knows still trying my best to move on and not let anything develop between us as that would be a complete disaster if we were caught!

I actually think sharing this with him right now would greatly benefit you because it would knock you out of the fog. Right now, you are dealing with abstract concepts and consequences. When they become real, they have a way of refocusing your thoughts. Good luck.

November 2, 2016

OP,

The fact that it is now almost two weeks since you posted your problem and have basically agreed with practically everyone that you are headed for disaster and need to stop. but yet you continue trying to explain and justify what you are doing and are determined NOT to do the ONE thing that will certainly pour cold water on your little fantasy life and that is tell the TRUTH to your husband so that you can stop this.

Yup, he will not like it, and yup he may demand some transparency and accountability. But wait until you see what happens when you take the plunge, which you are headed for, and then get caught.

Now its time to stop acting like a 14 year old school girl and stop the crap. you are headed towards destroying your family. is it worth it? if the answer is no, the get to a therapist but stop trying to romanticizing what you are doing.

November 2, 2016

I love my husband our marriage is not on shaky ground and we have a pretty normal sex life. But this connection between this OM and myself is so strong I just don’t know how to get over it which I really want to do but our paths cross all the time and that isn’t about to change anytime soon. Help!!

Do you really love your husband? If you do, what kind of love is it? Ask yourself that.

If you do not want to destroy your husband and blow up your family by having an affair, then take steps not to be around this man. Do not look at him when you are in a group setting. Never, ever be alone with him.

You fix this by being an adult, understanding that we have control over our base desires, and that we have to live up to our responsibilities. If your husband is not lighting your fire then let him know. Get into marriage counseling, sex counseling, marriage coaching...whatever it takes.

Are you physically and sexually attracted to your husband, or did you just settle for him?

November 3, 2016

Sweetie, as much good advice as you have gotten, you still have no idea how much hell this will cause WHEN you get caught.

Because almost 99% of affairs, a guess, come out at some point.

I have been on both sides of this issue. I understand the feelings, I really do.

But you just cannot understand what this will do to your husband when he finds out. It is literally soul crushing in every way for a betrayed spouse.

I have lived this and it was the absolute worst thing I have ever been through in my life, ever.

Why not put that energy that you are putting into the other man and direct it at your husband. It is such a better way to go, trust everyone here on that.

DO NOT JUMP OFF THE CLIFF...

November 3, 2016

The only thing worse than being cheated on would be having one of your children die.

November 3, 2016

From your original post I believe this A is all in your head. Other than what you perceive in his glances at you, he has never responded in kind.

If a woman were to tell me she wanted me sexually I would find it impossible not to stare at her and wonder what sex with her would be like. But that does. It mean I'm ready to jump into bed with her to satisfy my curiosity. Don't read too much into his "interactions"'with you. They don't mean his feelings are reciprocal.

You are going through the same feelings that younger men feel about many women. I cannot tell you why, but the feeling is called lust. I think that is one of the seven deadly sins.

November 4, 2016

Oh gosh, well, it WAS over...then.

I'm sorry to say we had another reprisal months later. So calling it two and a half years isn't really accurate. It's just taken up that much of my life.

I've come clean with my husband and have finally walked away. I won't go back.

T/j, (sorry)

Actually I wanted to know because my H (not sure for how long because we have separated) also resumed his affair.

Its one thing to conduct an affair behind an unknowing spouse's back but a completely different thing to restart an affair after discovery when you have seen first hand the pain it causes the BS.

Well....

November 4, 2016

The problem here is that the OP has poked the bear, he was asleep but now he is awake, he sees "possibilities". Humans being humans, possibilities are seen as intriguing and exciting.

I think the problem for the OP now may be turning off this man, now he is aware she is very interested in him.

As they are already part of the friend group, it would be very easy to take the next step, as they already know so much about each other.

If she now shuts him down, he may go into pursuit mode, and with the OP already in a weak state, it could all descend into an affair pretty fast anyway.

Hopefully, he will resist totally and it will all just be a little escapade, mostly in the head of the OP.

I know a lot say tell the husband, but surely that may blow up the marriage right away, men in general do not like or will tolerate cheating wives, so I guess they will not like wives who lust after other men either. Telling her husband may kill the affair, but it may also kill her marriage too, l would guess.

November 4, 2016

So you sound like me 10 years ago.

Keep him at arms length. We were 'just friendly' sharing looks, odd message saying we were interested for the first 4/5 years, then 5 years in full blown affair.

It's not worth it. I know it feels so strong but if you just step back now you can just honestly share a group friendship and nobody gets hurt.

November 4, 2016

T/j, (sorry)

Actually I wanted to know because my H (not sure for how long because we have separated) also resumed his affair.

Its one thing to conduct an affair behind an unknowing spouse's back but a completely different thing to restart an affair after discovery when you have seen first hand the pain it causes the BS.

Well....

I agree. It is particularly cruel, but sadly, probably not all that uncommon. I wonder truly how many affairs end after D Day.

(t/j over!)

November 4, 2016

I have definitely thought about seeing a therapist but not sure exactly what to tell my husband my reason for going is...I don't plan to share any of this with him at this point. As for the projecting I guess that may be possible but the OM has made a few suggestive comments about how good I look all when his wife was in another room.....so who knows still trying my best to move on and not let anything develop between us as that would be a complete disaster if we were caught!

I agree with the posts responding to this particular point. I too was trying to say that maybe there was no there there. His recent compliments on looks etc still don't seem like much to me (I'm sorry if I hurt you in saying this). I agree with Elaine that any recent shift in him might have resulted from your poking the bear.

I also agree with DKT that you're still wrapped up in Wayward thinking if you're worried more about getting caught than with fixing things and healing. I'm not being accusatory here- just pointing to another indication that you (like so many of us) might find therapy very helpful, because it can help you unpack this kind of thing.

About how to justify the therapy to your husband: could you tell him at least part of the truth: that you've felt restless and maybe a little lost; he is NOT to blame; but you want to try working with a professional. And if you want, you could add you don't want to do something stupid and you need help figuring out coping strategies.

November 7, 2016

So you sound like me 10 years ago.
Keep him at arms length. We were 'just friendly' sharing looks, odd message saying we were interested for the first 4/5 years, then 5 years in full blown affair.

It's not worth it. I know it feels so strong but if you just step back now you can just honestly share a group friendship and nobody gets hurt.

Thanks... for the reply I'm trying very hard to keep him at arms length! We don't have any contact other then the times we are together as group and we are never alone together, which I think is the key. But now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak about how I feel about him I just don't know how to step back. I know it's childish and selfish and all of the other things people have accused me of here but I just don't know how to be in the same room with him and not feel like a freakin teenager! I do truly want to remain just friends but that pull is so strong between us especially in the last few weeks....so my question to you is this, if you could go back in time in your situation how would you have prevented it from happening and still remain friends??

November 7, 2016

You're not willing to do the things you need to do to protect your marriage and husband so what's the point? May as well just get it over with and go for it.....

It's really not a complicated situation, it's only you not truly wanting to do the right thing, doing so would mean jumping off the ego train. You can't be friends and you know, but in your mind being friends is OK, but really what you want is to continue this inappropriate relationships which is really already an affair.

Your unwillingness to confide in your husband is you swinging a axe at your marriage.

November 7, 2016

Repeat after me . . . "I am a grown woman in charge of her own life. I will not make excuses when it comes to making healthy choices for myself and my family."

You never would have sent that message you typed up addressed to him but stupid technology . . . excuses.

Therapy would be great but then what would you tell your husband . . . excuses.

You'd like to keep him at arm's length but now the cat is out of the bag and his suggestive comments make you feel like a teenager . . . excuses.

The situation with the OM is just a symptom of issues that you need to deal with no matter what happens with the OM. You could have at any point chosen transparency and self-awareness over justifications and avoidance. That would have meant understanding that fidelity and its inverse don't just happen by chance by are chosen by each of us every day. That would have meant having appropriate boundaries in place when it comes to potential affair partners and open communication with your husband to prevent secret feelings from building.

Now that things have come this far, you feel that you couldn't possibly confess to your husband because then you would have to be responsible for your poor choices. And so, tragically, you are setting yourself up eventually to have a PA, which will have much more dire consequences for your future and your family than a few messages and innuendos. You aren't willing to pay the price for what you've done now, so you are not protecting yourself and will find yourself paying a much, much steeper price down the road. You'll be one of the many MW on here totally attached to the MM who has no intention of ever leaving his wife. You'll wind up divorced, but he won't. All because you couldn't bear to be honest with your husband about a flirtation or your need for counseling.

I really hope I'm wrong. That depends on your courage. Remember, things don't just "happen" to you. You can choose to own your life and your choices, or you can choose to minimize and justify and avoid until it blows up everything you hold dear.

November 7, 2016

Thanks... for the reply I'm trying very hard to keep him at arms length! We don't have any contact other then the times we are together as group and we are never alone together, which I think is the key. But now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak about how I feel about him I just don't know how to step back. I know it's childish and selfish and all of the other things people have accused me of here but I just don't know how to be in the same room with him and not feel like a freakin teenager! I do truly want to remain just friends but that pull is so strong between us especially in the last few weeks....so my question to you is this, if you could go back in time in your situation how would you have prevented it from happening and still remain friends??

TELL YOUR HUSBAND. Not about the text, but about how you have a schoolgirl crush on this guy. Nothing will kill it faster than getting it out into the light of day. Use this feeling to bring you and your husband closer together, not to encourage a dangerous secret between the two of you.

I know your question wasn't to me, but having been there, done that, blown my life up in every way and deeply hurt many people I care about... that's my advice.

November 7, 2016

Your probably right I wouldn't have been typing the message if I didn't want him to see it but....I always would delete them before sending them. That particular day the phone fell from my hand and as I went to catch it I hit the send button so that's how it was an accident. But truth be told I should have never been composing the message to begin with.

Are you trickle-truthing us? If that is the case, you chose the wrong crowd. We have all BTDT, which is why we are on this board. Better you should just own what you did...sent an ill-advised message to this potential OW then regretted it once you saw his answer.

At this point, you are standing on the precipice of a huge life-altering mistake. He has let you know that you doesn't want to have an A. Be grateful that he is this sort of person. Avoid him as much as possible until the feelings abate, and they will. Then focus on what is going on with you that you are developing attractions to other men. It doesn't make you a horrible person to feel attraction. It happens to all of us. The difference is how we act on those attractions. You are vulnerable to an affair, so the best thing you can do for you and your family is figure out why.

Edited November 7, 2016 by Grapesofwrath

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