Can this be salvaged (2 year live-in relationship)?

[hestheone66]

He knows your boundary. He knows that once you've gone, you're gone forever.

He enjoys your company, the shared expenses.

He knows you want to get back together.

 

He knows you will pretty much do anything to stay clinging to him...even have sex or do other intimate things...he's the one not wanting to give you any signs that he wants to continue the relationship....

 

You are a convenience.

He is too spineless to tell you to go and I guess as you're on the lease he can't force you out..

 

Is that what the romantic girl inside you believes she wants...to be a convenience ? Or does she want her man to hold her tight kiss her with psssion, looking into her eyes and say, "I love you with every fibre of my being, and will dedicate my life to making each day better than the day before"

 

Really ask yourself, why am I settling for being a crutch?

 

The financial loss and headache of moving is nothing compared to living a life of dissatisfaction...free yourself.

[hestheone66]

There's no shame in trying a relationship, accepting one or both are not happy.

No shame in realising that in trying to be what the other person needs you to be, that you've lost yourself

.. sometimes people just aren't a good fit...

No one is to blame when basic incompatibly is at play.

 

I understand that you are an introvert and you find meeting people difficult. However we all as we grow up need to get out of our comfort zones...to try new ways of being etc..this is a great opportunity growth, not something to be feared.

[Blanco]

I have done that - maybe I wasn't clear enough before?

His reaction: 'How would I know that we're not getting back to old patterns a week or two after getting back together?' and 'Shall I trust the last month or the last year?'. He's trapping me in those type of conversations

 

I honestly think he's done but he's struggling because breakups are often messy, uncomfortable situations, even if they are ultimately for the best. It's why he's still wanting to act like a boyfriend but pulls back when you bring up the relationship.

 

I've read through the thread and I'm still not exactly clear on what his issues are. What are the "same old patterns"? As someone who was in a relationship with lots of hot and cold periods, I can understand his hesitation to put too much stock into one of the "hot" periods.

[Blanco]

There's no shame in trying a relationship, accepting one or both are not happy.

No shame in realising that in trying to be what the other person needs you to be, that you've lost yourself

.. sometimes people just aren't a good fit...

No one is to blame when basic incompatibly is at play.

 

I understand that you are an introvert and you find meeting people difficult. However we all as we grow up need to get out of our comfort zones...to try new ways of being etc..this is a great opportunity growth, not something to be feared.

 

This is a great point and something I think OP should really sink her teeth into. Sure, some relationships falter because the involved parties won't invest the amount of effort it takes to keep a relationship strong and healthy. But then there are those relationships where it becomes more evident over time that there are just incompatibilities that are likely to always be there. Unfortunately, too many people see that and respond by doubling down, compounding the problems with things like marriage, home ownership, children, etc.

[LastStraw]

What are the "same old patterns"? As someone who was in a relationship with lots of hot and cold periods, I can understand his hesitation to put too much stock into one of the "hot" periods.

 

His issues are fights that we had, mainly. I was going to a stressful time at work and have been snappy at him. Some stuff was important, some not. But the bottom line: he decided I'm looking down on him because he's not successful enough for me. He decided that because I didn't respond enthusiastically when he started talking about engagement a couple of months ago, but was checking if he fits my criteria (that's his opinion).

 

 

Based on this - you think he's done permanently because he dot tired from too much drama??

 

 

I simply can't get my mind around it - I was doing the best for both by pushing him to be more ambitious etc.

 

 

I honestly think he's done but he's struggling because breakups are often messy, uncomfortable situations, even if they are ultimately for the best. It's why he's still wanting to act like a boyfriend but pulls back when you bring up the relationship.

 

I've read through the thread and I'm still not exactly clear on what his issues are. What are the "same old patterns"? As someone who was in a relationship with lots of hot and cold periods, I can understand his hesitation to put too much stock into one of the "hot" periods.

[Blanco]

Depends. Honestly, how long have these spats been going on?

 

"Pushing him to be more ambitious" entails what exactly? When poor communication is a trait of a relationship, something like this statement could easily be viewed quite differently by each person. Whereas you might think you were encouraging him, he might have felt nagged and like his current station in life was not satisfactory for you.

 

I'm sure you had good intentions, but it's important to remember that you are his partner and not his mother.

[LastStraw]

Depends. Honestly, how long have these spats been going on? Mainly the last couple of months since we start discussing marriage, kid etc, but we had arguments here and there before as well.

 

 

"Pushing him to be more ambitious" entails what exactly? Be more mature, select friends wisely, focus on his career development, join me in some investments, things like this. Yup I'm afraid I overdone the mothering... With good intents but still. I feel like he almost wants to 'prove me' that he can live well without me.

 

 

Is that reversible damage?

 

 

Depends. Honestly, how long have these spats been going on?

 

"Pushing him to be more ambitious" entails what exactly? When poor communication is a trait of a relationship, something like this statement could easily be viewed quite differently by each person. Whereas you might think you were encouraging him, he might have felt nagged and like his current station in life was not satisfactory for you.

 

I'm sure you had good intentions, but it's important to remember that you are his partner and not his mother.

[jamili]

LastStraw, reading your posts makes me sad because i know exactly what you are going through, i feel your pain, as you know im going through this exact thing right now. I know what you are doing here on the forums. You are hoping that someone will tell you that his mixed signals show that he is conflicted about his choice, that he still wants to be with you, and that it is only a matter of time before he realizes he is about to lose you and he will take you back.

 

The thing is, unfortunately, to the objective person, it is really a stretch to tell you that. We could all just tell you what you want to hear and try to lift your spirits, but i dont think people want to mislead you or lie to you. The fact is every situation is different, we really dont know what is going to happen. We just give you adviced based on our experiences and what we read about yours. Ultimately, you are going to do what you want to do anyways, and you are just looking for support as you go through it, and that is fine. But I dont believe anyone on here is trying to mislead you or purposely make you feel bad - I think everyone wants you to be happy and is trying to help you. We have all been through it or are going through it now - it is why we are on this forum. See some situation repeat enough times across many different people from all around the world on a forum, and you begin to see similar scenarios with similar endings emerge. It is just our best advice based on that, take it or leave it, it is just honest advice.

 

As you know i personally believe the only way you will kno2 for sure is to accept his decision and move out. Pushing him to talk, challenging his choice, clinging to him, and entertaining his mixed behavior is just going to push him further and further away. We have all seen it a million times. This behavior will only make it worse, and can even be the final nail in the coffin to ensure it IS over forever and eliminate any chance of reconciliation that still might be there.

 

He dumped you. Your emotions are all over the place. His emotions are all over the place. You both need space, and time, to sort through these emotions and figure out if you both want to be together. This needs to happen if there will be any chance of reconciliation at this point. Get out of there asap, give him space, let him think, let him miss you, let him REALIZE what he lost. If he wants you back, he will only realize it once you are gone. Dont move out of here with the mindset "once i leave its over forever", leave eith the mindset of "I'm giving him what he wants, im moving on with my life, and if he wants me he knows where to find me", and then cross that bridge when and if you come to it.

 

You push to hard and stay too long and you might ruin your chances forever. You risk that! If you care about being with this man in the future, i highly advise respecting his decision and moving out asap, and letting time and distance do the rest for you. If it is going to happen, it will happen. If he loves you and wants to be with you, he will do everything in his power to get back together, but you have to give him the opportunity to FEEL that loss first.

[LastStraw]

You are so much right, J, I try to keep objective but it is hard. But yeah, the beauty of the forums is the diversity of the advice, not hearing what we want to hear.

 

 

You both need space, and time, to sort through these emotions and figure out if you both want to be together. This needs to happen if there will be any chance of reconciliation at this point. Get out of there asap, give him space, let him think, let him miss you, let him REALIZE what he lost...If he loves you and wants to be with you, he will do everything in his power to get back together, but you have to give him the opportunity to FEEL that loss first.

 

 

The thing is the humiliation, losses and inconveniences of moving out will tip me over the edge. I'm just not going to be able to open my heart anymore to him... I'll need to make it crystal clear to him because I think he does not realize it.

 

 

I've read a few relationship coaches who are strictly against the so called 'no contact'. The NC at best prevents further damage but cannot build the relationship at all. The main reason NC is recommended is for the peace of mind and healing of the dumpee.

 

 

Also I know my exBF - he's very different from me. When he feel rejected - he closes off, and runs, runs away. So if I move out - he'll be just done, as much as I want to deceive myself - that's the truth.

 

 

The fact that he's SO open to discussing the RL issues makes me very confident he's not done. It won't be on his mind otherwise at all. But I don't know how to crack the wall that he's building out of fear ... Maybe is hopeless.

 

 

How did it go with your exGF in the end? Has she ever contacted you after you moved out?

 

 

LastStraw, reading your posts makes me sad because i know exactly what you are going through, i feel your pain, as you know im going through this exact thing right now. I know what you are doing here on the forums. You are hoping that someone will tell you that his mixed signals show that he is conflicted about his choice, that he still wants to be with you, and that it is only a matter of time before he realizes he is about to lose you and he will take you back.

 

The thing is, unfortunately, to the objective person, it is really a stretch to tell you that. We could all just tell you what you want to hear and try to lift your spirits, but i dont think people want to mislead you or lie to you. The fact is every situation is different, we really dont know what is going to happen. We just give you adviced based on our experiences and what we read about yours. Ultimately, you are going to do what you want to do anyways, and you are just looking for support as you go through it, and that is fine. But I dont believe anyone on here is trying to mislead you or purposely make you feel bad - I think everyone wants you to be happy and is trying to help you. We have all been through it or are going through it now - it is why we are on this forum. See some situation repeat enough times across many different people from all around the world on a forum, and you begin to see similar scenarios with similar endings emerge. It is just our best advice based on that, take it or leave it, it is just honest advice.

 

As you know i personally believe the only way you will kno2 for sure is to accept his decision and move out. Pushing him to talk, challenging his choice, clinging to him, and entertaining his mixed behavior is just going to push him further and further away. We have all seen it a million times. This behavior will only make it worse, and can even be the final nail in the coffin to ensure it IS over forever and eliminate any chance of reconciliation that still might be there.

 

He dumped you. Your emotions are all over the place. His emotions are all over the place. You both need space, and time, to sort through these emotions and figure out if you both want to be together. This needs to happen if there will be any chance of reconciliation at this point. Get out of there asap, give him space, let him think, let him miss you, let him REALIZE what he lost. If he wants you back, he will only realize it once you are gone. Dont move out of here with the mindset "once i leave its over forever", leave eith the mindset of "I'm giving him what he wants, im moving on with my life, and if he wants me he knows where to find me", and then cross that bridge when and if you come to it.

 

You push to hard and stay too long and you might ruin your chances forever. You risk that! If you care about being with this man in the future, i highly advise respecting his decision and moving out asap, and letting time and distance do the rest for you. If it is going to happen, it will happen. If he loves you and wants to be with you, he will do everything in his power to get back together, but you have to give him the opportunity to FEEL that loss first.

[jamili]

There is nothing humiliating about moving out of there and taking care of yourself. In fact, it's empowering and gives you some self respect back. Living there with him aftee he has rejected you, sleeping in the same bed, and allowing him to act "normal" around you like nothing happened.... that I would think would be humiliating.

 

And don't forget, HE rejected YOU, you aren't "rejecting" him by moving out, you are doing what he asked you to do, and are respecting his decision. I dont think he will see that as a rejection to him, I just dont see that happening. You cant go about with the belief that you "know what he is thinking", or "what he really wants", that is a trap you will get yourseld into. Take what he says at face value and dont read into it. Reading into it is just your mind trying to find something to latch onto for hope. You must just go by what he says - which is that the relationship is over and that you need to move out.

 

As far as the "No Contact " rule goes, I agree it's primary purpose is not to get an ex back, it is to move on. But the thing is it also is the only way that you MIGHT be able to see your ex come back to you one day in situations like these where he is kicking you out of his life and doesn't want to talk about things or work on fixing the relationship at all. You really have no other choice. Pushing someone to talk or reconcile 99% of the time will have the reverse effect, it is just human nature. You will just keep pushing him further and further away each time, getting that much less likely to ever reconcile in this lifetime. What people say about the NC thing is that it allows you, and them, to see if they really want to be with you or not. If they want you they will come back, if they dont they wont which means they werent going to anyways. Its a fact- you guys need time and space to figure this out for sure. It is also a fact that many people don't appreciate what they had until they lost it. There is some truth to the saying "if you love it let it go, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesnt it was never yours". Sounds cheesy but think about it... if this man loves you and is an actual "lifetime partner", wont he want to be with you just as much as you want to be with him?

 

And dont be so quick to say once you move out you will NEVER want him back after that. I dont believe that, and i dont think in your heart you believe that either. Those are your emotions speaking. Cross that bridge when and if you come to it. You honestly sound like a very sweet and commited person, it's a rare thing and a lot of men out there would be knocking down doors for a woman like you. Hell if my ex had even half of the dedication, commitment and love that you have, my relationship would never have ended. Have some confidence in yourself - you sound like a catch! If this man requires ANY convincing at all to stay with you, then i promise you he isnt worth it. Think how much happier you will be when you find a man who wants to be with you JUST as much as you want to be with him, and a situation like this would be a nightmare to him. You wont realize it now because you deeply love your ex, but in time you will see it.

 

As for my ex, its been 3 weeks since i last talked to her and not a peep. If you remember took the route of telling her outright to stop contacting me becsuse i was trying to move on, so I'm not that surprised. Im also 100% confiden5 that if she truly wanted to be with me still, telling her to stop would have made her either make a move and begin reconciliation, or not. Judging by the 3 weeks of silence.. it appears as if she chose to move on herself. Do i miss her? Terribly. Is no contact making her miss me? Who knows. All i know is she hasnt shown any signs of coming back... and the more time that passes the more clear to me it is that it is ridiculous for me to pine over a woman that doesnt want to be with me anymore. It is mind blowing to me that she chose to throw away a perfectly amazing relationship for nothing... but it is something i have any control over, so i have to keep moving forward. I still love her and hope that one day she comes back- whether it be months, years, etc. But at the same time im not putting my life on hold either, im going to date other women, continue the journey ive been on all along, ane maybe will even find someone i love more - who knows! Maybe i will look back on this and thank the heavens that me and my ex broke up. Reading your story and seeing someone out that is as dedicated as I was in my relationship gives me hope, though. Because ideally two partners should both feel that same pull towards each other - and that is what we are all trying to find

[LastStraw]

Thank you for the kind words. Your outlook towards my situation as well as your own is very positive and sane.

 

 

However, there a few small developments from my side. We haven't seen each other each other for few days due to business trip, and we kept strick nc in that time. When we met after - gosh, he turned very affectionate. We broke the physical barrier that existed so to speak ... but it was beyond physical. We spoke about funny little mishaps over the past months, things that we've done... I asked a few questions that were concerning me before and he responded very positively that he was thinking about it etc. And besides that everything appeared rosy, he ended saying he's actually very scared to get back together, from what the future holds. I told him I'm doing what is in my control but it is up to him to trust me or not.

 

 

So... although I'm looking for places - I just don't see how it is all lost. I see there is a barrier (the fear) to jump through, but I'm not really sure how to do it.

 

 

There is nothing humiliating about moving out of there and taking care of yourself. In fact, it's empowering and gives you some self respect back. Living there with him aftee he has rejected you, sleeping in the same bed, and allowing him to act "normal" around you like nothing happened.... that I would think would be humiliating.

 

And don't forget, HE rejected YOU, you aren't "rejecting" him by moving out, you are doing what he asked you to do, and are respecting his decision. I dont think he will see that as a rejection to him, I just dont see that happening. You cant go about with the belief that you "know what he is thinking", or "what he really wants", that is a trap you will get yourseld into. Take what he says at face value and dont read into it. Reading into it is just your mind trying to find something to latch onto for hope. You must just go by what he says - which is that the relationship is over and that you need to move out.

 

As far as the "No Contact " rule goes, I agree it's primary purpose is not to get an ex back, it is to move on. But the thing is it also is the only way that you MIGHT be able to see your ex come back to you one day in situations like these where he is kicking you out of his life and doesn't want to talk about things or work on fixing the relationship at all. You really have no other choice. Pushing someone to talk or reconcile 99% of the time will have the reverse effect, it is just human nature. You will just keep pushing him further and further away each time, getting that much less likely to ever reconcile in this lifetime. What people say about the NC thing is that it allows you, and them, to see if they really want to be with you or not. If they want you they will come back, if they dont they wont which means they werent going to anyways. Its a fact- you guys need time and space to figure this out for sure. It is also a fact that many people don't appreciate what they had until they lost it. There is some truth to the saying "if you love it let it go, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesnt it was never yours". Sounds cheesy but think about it... if this man loves you and is an actual "lifetime partner", wont he want to be with you just as much as you want to be with him?

 

And dont be so quick to say once you move out you will NEVER want him back after that. I dont believe that, and i dont think in your heart you believe that either. Those are your emotions speaking. Cross that bridge when and if you come to it. You honestly sound like a very sweet and commited person, it's a rare thing and a lot of men out there would be knocking down doors for a woman like you. Hell if my ex had even half of the dedication, commitment and love that you have, my relationship would never have ended. Have some confidence in yourself - you sound like a catch! If this man requires ANY convincing at all to stay with you, then i promise you he isnt worth it. Think how much happier you will be when you find a man who wants to be with you JUST as much as you want to be with him, and a situation like this would be a nightmare to him. You wont realize it now because you deeply love your ex, but in time you will see it.

 

As for my ex, its been 3 weeks since i last talked to her and not a peep. If you remember took the route of telling her outright to stop contacting me becsuse i was trying to move on, so I'm not that surprised. Im also 100% confiden5 that if she truly wanted to be with me still, telling her to stop would have made her either make a move and begin reconciliation, or not. Judging by the 3 weeks of silence.. it appears as if she chose to move on herself. Do i miss her? Terribly. Is no contact making her miss me? Who knows. All i know is she hasnt shown any signs of coming back... and the more time that passes the more clear to me it is that it is ridiculous for me to pine over a woman that doesnt want to be with me anymore. It is mind blowing to me that she chose to throw away a perfectly amazing relationship for nothing... but it is something i have any control over, so i have to keep moving forward. I still love her and hope that one day she comes back- whether it be months, years, etc. But at the same time im not putting my life on hold either, im going to date other women, continue the journey ive been on all along, ane maybe will even find someone i love more - who knows! Maybe i will look back on this and thank the heavens that me and my ex broke up. Reading your story and seeing someone out that is as dedicated as I was in my relationship gives me hope, though. Because ideally two partners should both feel that same pull towards each other - and that is what we are all trying to find

[LastStraw]

Small developments:

 

 

Positive:

1) physical barrier is broken... we act like fwbs now, but way to affectionate (kissing/talking after etc)

2) he expressed that he believes a lot of what we went through was normal - he said all just hit him all at once at the night of the last fight (he realized that he has been anxious for a while because of our issues etc)

 

 

Negative:

1) he's planning the holidays by himself...

2) we're still calling each other 'broken up' daily and rehashing the past

 

 

My deadline to decide to stay or go is coming. I know most advice is against, but really - the things are warming up now, wouldn't there be a point to stay so to keep the momentum?

 

 

I don't want to appear desperate but I'm more concerned about making a lifetime decision out of pride.

 

 

Thank you for the kind words. Your outlook towards my situation as well as your own is very positive and sane.

 

 

However, there a few small developments from my side. We haven't seen each other each other for few days due to business trip, and we kept strick nc in that time. When we met after - gosh, he turned very affectionate. We broke the physical barrier that existed so to speak ... but it was beyond physical. We spoke about funny little mishaps over the past months, things that we've done... I asked a few questions that were concerning me before and he responded very positively that he was thinking about it etc. And besides that everything appeared rosy, he ended saying he's actually very scared to get back together, from what the future holds. I told him I'm doing what is in my control but it is up to him to trust me or not.

 

 

So... although I'm looking for places - I just don't see how it is all lost. I see there is a barrier (the fear) to jump through, but I'm not really sure how to do it.

[jamili]

So what's the update here. Did you move out?

[LastStraw]

So what's the update here. Did you move out?

 

Hey Jamili,

 

Yes - just recently, over Christmas

 

He kept hot/cold the whole time after the break up, got VERY cold the day before signing my new lease and then went away for few days.

 

When he came back, it was my last night in the apartment that we shared. I went to sleep, so did he. I woke up in the middle of the night to him hugging me and crying After 2-3 months of attempts to get hm back, the very night that I completely gave up, he is crying his eyes off, and telling me this was a decision that he regrets, he freaked out and didn't know what my intentions were ??? He told me how (where, how precisely) he was planning to propose to me?! but he was freaking out that we'd have to be married soon !? (for the record, we were never officially engaged)

 

Ending up with 'maybe we separated to get back together' or 'maybe not' and 'I still love you, it is up to you now'??????

 

I'm soooooooo confused. I gave up on him... I started moving on (I'm not dating, but started with new hobbies etc)... And now that?? We'll meet once in the new year... Supposedly for some old bills. I thought we don't need to do it in person but he tried to convince me we should.

 

Any thoughts?? Is he confused? Or playing me? Or scared?

 

Jamili, how did it go with your exGF?

[marky00]

Its hard to say but in most cases dumpers say such things to make out they care as much as possible.

 

 

Once the decision has been made, all they are trying to do is soften the blow.

 

 

This is why you tend to hear so many dumpees saying that the dumper was talking about kids, marriage etc just weeks before a breakup.

 

 

In essence, the dumper over-compensates based on their guilt. It's not until a few months NC, do you get a true representation of where everybody is at.

[LastStraw]

I hate to say but I feel you're on a point.

 

He probably feel guilty of hurting me. But why rehash this whole marriage thing on the day I was moving out?? It is crazy to me ... Or maybe not - one of the reasons that he cited in the break up is that I was insecure about marrying him. IDK, I haven't said that but wasn't probably matching his enthusiasm over engagement/marriage discussions in the months prior to the break up.

 

Is it stupid if I meet him once in the beginning of January?

 

I wonder shall I go no contact completely... I told him I want to try friendship, but at minimum 6 months later or when both of us are in new relationships, whatever comes first...

 

He btw wished me good luck in my (citing) 'next relationship with him or with someone else'.. What does this even mean?

 

Its hard to say but in most cases dumpers say such things to make out they care as much as possible.

 

 

Once the decision has been made, all they are trying to do is soften the blow.

 

 

This is why you tend to hear so many dumpees saying that the dumper was talking about kids, marriage etc just weeks before a breakup.

 

 

In essence, the dumper over-compensates based on their guilt. It's not until a few months NC, do you get a true representation of where everybody is at.

[jamili]

Hi LastStraw, thanks for coming back to update us, I was wondering about you! I'm really not that surprised to hear the outcome, after going through a similar situation myself and having similar results with my ex. I am really glad that you moved out though. That was the right thing to do! You honestly tried everything you could, and, honestly, maintaining a relationship shouldn't be that hard! The other person should want to be with you as much as you want to be with them (seriously!).

 

I would bet that your ex did indeed act this way to "soften the blow" or because of guilt. There is likely a part of him, and most dumpers, that still care about your feelings and don't want to cause you too much pain.. not because they want to be with you anymore, but because they don't want to absolutely wreck your world and want to "let you down easy". And yea, I think it was mostly for him, to feel better about himself - his ego. Again, this is NOT dissimilar to how my Ex was acting, and what I ended up logically determining guilt/ego was the culprit. Because, let's face it here... if our Exes wanted to be with us, they would SAY it or make 100% effort to make that happen. You don't just let something go that you really want or see any value in- trust me! This should be an eye opener for you.

 

As I said before, you seem like a really loving and caring person, you sound like the kind of woman most guys are looking for! Your Ex took you for granted, you must understand this - the goal should be to find a man who identifies this rare quality you have, is aware of how valuable that is, and APPRECIATES it! Trust me, you will be a LOT happier when your devotion and love is reciprocated unequivocally!

 

As for my ex, nothing new on that front. It has been nearly 3.5 months since I went NC, and I've heard from her once since I last talked with you - simply a text of a picture of a bill that was in my name - that's it... followed by an email with a cold, lifeless message informing me of the bill in like 2 words. Essentially a "here, pay it", in which I responded with a simple "thanks". Nothing since. And this is after acting SO conflicted and hot/cold before I moved out of there, just like your ex. I see no evidence of a desire to reconcile so far, and I'm not really expect it anymore. I don't see your situation being much different. The NC has helped me to heal quite a bit, though I still think about her all the time and do still miss her, it's not as catastrophic as it once felt. I'm sure the NC has helped her to move on as well - that wasn't what I hoped for, but it's clearly the reality.

 

All you can do now is just move on with your life as if they are gone forever. It's tough, but it's doable. Eventually you will start dating again, and you will meet someone else. Maybe our exes will do the same, and that will trigger them to truly understand what they lost in us... or maybe it won't. But, like I said before, the ONLY way the dumper will ever miss you, is if you 100% go NC. If you break NC, you risk botching any reconciliation that MIGHT be possible. As stupid and counterintiutive as it is... you must remove yourself completely from their life in order for them to deeply feel and appreciate the loss. Like Marky00 said - a few months of that and you will have a better understand of where he stands. I don't think there is any set time either.. there are some psychological studies to support that the average time for a dumper to appreciate a loss of his/her ex is like ~6 months or something like that... but of course it's different for every person. I've read accounts of it taking anywhere from a few weeks to a few years - it's literally impossible to tell how long any specific person will take. It likely might never happen! The only thing that seems constant is that they do NEED time apart from you if there is ever going to be any reconciliation thoughts in their brains. So maintain that NC!!!

 

The mindset I currently have is that IF someday, months/years in the future, my Ex does realize what she lost, and truly does miss me, and she contacts me or attempts to start anew... fine, I'll assess how I feel at that time and act accordingly. I'll cross that bridge when and if I come to it. I think that's the ONLY way to be at this point, since it's now completely out of your hands.

Edited January 3, 2017 by jamili

[LastStraw]

Hey Jamili,

 

 

Thank you for your response. Sorry that your ex stayed quiet, but it is probably for the best.

 

 

In my case, things got a little weird recently. After the teary breakdown after I signed the new lease, the last time that I saw my ex he was completely cold.

 

 

I moved out and didn't contact him for about a month... And then he send me a long e-mail talking about our relationship and mainly - where I was in the wrong?! I thought it is one off thing and he's hurt, that's why I responded, which lead to exchange of many more long messages.

 

 

The caveat is: he never suggested getting back together or anything positive actually. He just keeps telling me over and over how much he wanted the relationship to work but I put a stop of his efforts and he had no choice but to let me go...

 

 

He broke up with me! He let me move out (actually almost forced me to move out)! He was cold on our last meet! I just don't understand his reaction...

 

 

Can anyone shed light what does he want?? What goes in the mind of a dumper after a little time has passed?

[lolablue17]

The caveat is: he never suggested getting back together or anything positive actually. He just keeps telling me over and over how much he wanted the relationship to work but I put a stop of his efforts and he had no choice but to let me go...

 

To that I would reply: "Well, I'm not putting any stop right now, and you still the same, so stop the BS".

[LastStraw]

I don't know if I'm doing the wrong thing but... I've been dating my ex in the past few weeks. He kind of blew me off in the first few times saying he doesn't think we would work out... Changing to "we should try to forgive each other" ... and followed by increased frequency of calls, few dates, now more coming up.

 

 

It is about half year from the break up and few months of living apart. I wonder is he playing me? Can I trust him?

 

 

We haven't managed to go to NC while broken up except for few weeks. Now this. I don't know how to make sure if he's trustworthy or just lonely and missing my company.

[niji]

If the issues at hand that caused you to break up have not been addressed, then it won't work.

 

Just because it's starting "fresh" doesn't mean you two have changed. When you start an equation with the two same variables & conditions, the outcome will not change.

[Blanco]

I don't know if I'm doing the wrong thing but... I've been dating my ex in the past few weeks. He kind of blew me off in the first few times saying he doesn't think we would work out... Changing to "we should try to forgive each other" ... and followed by increased frequency of calls, few dates, now more coming up.

 

 

It is about half year from the break up and few months of living apart. I wonder is he playing me? Can I trust him?

 

 

We haven't managed to go to NC while broken up except for few weeks. Now this. I don't know how to make sure if he's trustworthy or just lonely and missing my company.

 

What have you both done to address the issues that drove you apart in the first place?

[LastStraw]

We tried addressing the issues, and discussing long-term changes.

 

 

The thing that worries me is he still thinks I was the only faulty one in the relationship... And he's not remorseful for his own actions.

 

 

Another thing that worries me: we're seeing each other but when I ask him where we stand, he comes with something like 'let us be', 'time will tell' etc.

 

 

I really feel very nervous about it: it seems like he wants to be around me but refuses to be in a committed relationship with me. I feel like a convenience for him, not a person that he really wants to be with... Or maybe I'm just too anxious?

[SpiralOut]

 

I really feel very nervous about it: it seems like he wants to be around me but refuses to be in a committed relationship with me. I feel like a convenience for him, not a person that he really wants to be with... Or maybe I'm just too anxious?

 

Listen to your instincts. They are probably right.

[LastStraw]

Listen to your instincts. They are probably right.

 

 

How to test him? I'm afraid if we separate again, there is no return...