Can this be salvaged (2 year live-in relationship)?

[hestheone66]

Sounds precisely what you have.

 

If you ever want to have a truly fulfilling relationship where you don't feel you are always compromising and encountering power struggles then please change the way you view this breakup.

I would look on it as a blessing, a get out of jail free card.

 

Btw Love is rarely enough to make happiness flower.

 

You wanted clear and urgent advice....leave with your head held high. Then build a new empowered life. In a year's time you will look back and think, WTF was I ever thinking in seeking reconciliation with someone who didn't want me enough

[jamili]

IDK LastStraw im just saying because this sounds so eerily similar to my situation to be careful about too much false hope. I thought all the same things you did. It made it harder in the end. I think its more likely that he made his decision and isnt coming back. My ex is stubborn as hell too. I really thought when i moved out she would come running back realizing she was throwing away a perfectly good relationship for nothing... and when i moved out all i got was her outwardly initiating NC on me and deciding that we shoudnt communicate anymore. Clearly the mixee signals in my case meant nothing.

 

I wish you luck and i really hope youe ex does come back, but just dont lead yourself on, be prepared to move out. And also be aware that giving him any attention whatsoever and taking to him at all about anything makee you look weak, desperate, needy, etc and you run the risk of turning him off more and pushing him further away, perhaps beyond the point of ever reconciling. Its likely doing more damage than good. He broke up with you and you still talk to him when he acts like nothing happened... really doesnt look good for your self respect. Just be careful, and i still highly suggest you move out asap so you dont risk ruining any slim chance of reconciliation that might be left.

[LastStraw]

Thanks for the advice.

 

 

I thought about codependency but I believe we were not. I even asked my therapist. I'm just introverted and that's why I don't have many friends. He has other issues (social anxiety).

 

 

I do think he is a compatible long-term (life time) partner putting some circumstances aside. That's why I want so much to get back together. It is a thought through, not purely emotional decision.

 

 

Same man was asking me to get engaged on our upcoming hoiday together before the end of this year - this was literally 5 weeks before the break.

 

 

Sounds precisely what you have.

 

If you ever want to have a truly fulfilling relationship where you don't feel you are always compromising and encountering power struggles then please change the way you view this breakup.

I would look on it as a blessing, a get out of jail free card.

 

Btw Love is rarely enough to make happiness flower.

 

You wanted clear and urgent advice....leave with your head held high. Then build a new empowered life. In a year's time you will look back and think, WTF was I ever thinking in seeking reconciliation with someone who didn't want me enough

[jamili]

Sounds like the sort of things my ex was saying right before the break too. I also firmly believed she was long term/lifetime partner material, and she voiced the same about me throughout our relationship. I wanted to reconcile so badly, I was positive she was the woman i wanted to spend my life with, and she always felt the same way about me, until the day of the breakup. Our break up was caused over one fight surrounding her insecurity, and it kind of sounds like your ex might be insecure as well, especially considering the weird way he has been acting post breakup.

 

I know you are going to do what you are going to do. Keep us updated, and i have my fingers crossed for you because i know how much you want to be with him and that you love him with all your heart and cant imagine life without him. But please just be aware that his actions might 1000% be just guilt, ego or being "nice" so tread carefully and DEFINITELY be prepared to move out soon, for your own sake.

 

On a side note i agree with the poster above who said you shouldn't have to try so damned hard to be with someone and convince that person to want you. It should be way harder to stay apart than it is to stay together.

[LastStraw]

You could be right, I'm not clinging on him but really REALLY want to solve our problems without the need to move out If I do it I know deep inside that will be it. I probably took him for granted and didn't show him my love to him in the past few months... Althought I *thought* he knows how much I love him, he felt rejected...

 

 

I thoughts a lot about it. I am doing nothing until the weekend approaches unless he initiates. Then I'd try to be my best self to him and have a few conversations in peace... We've discussed in and out what both of us want, not it is time to be more emotional.

 

 

He attempted hooking up three times in the past 2-3 weeks and every time he was the one to put a stop... Saying that he doesn't want to use me. I told him to get there only if we will be together, he hasn't responded... I don't know if it is a bad sign.

 

 

I'd post updates... if anything hinting reconciliation happens this week. Else next week I'll be likely defeated and looking for places to move out

 

 

Sounds like the sort of things my ex was saying right before the break too. I also firmly believed she was long term/lifetime partner material, and she voiced the same about me throughout our relationship. I wanted to reconcile so badly, I was positive she was the woman i wanted to spend my life with, and she always felt the same way about me, until the day of the breakup. Our break up was caused over one fight surrounding her insecurity, and it kind of sounds like your ex might be insecure as well, especially considering the weird way he has been acting post breakup.

 

I know you are going to do what you are going to do. Keep us updated, and i have my fingers crossed for you because i know how much you want to be with him and that you love him with all your heart and cant imagine life without him. But please just be aware that his actions might 1000% be just guilt, ego or being "nice" so tread carefully and DEFINITELY be prepared to move out soon, for your own sake.

 

On a side note i agree with the poster above who said you shouldn't have to try so damned hard to be with someone and convince that person to want you. It should be way harder to stay apart than it is to stay together.

[Toodaloo]

LastStraw.

 

I get it. You don't want it to end.

 

Problem is he does and you are simply not listening to him. He is telling you. His behavior is telling you. There is nothing to save here.

 

He may well still care for you but love you? That ship sailed long ago. You are clinging on for grim death and he is prizing your fingers off. Time to learn to swim.

 

Stop pushing him. At this rate he is going to end up doing something horrible just to get rid of you once and for all. Don't make him do that. Don't put him in that position. Let him go.

 

Regardless of you moving out or not this is not something you can "save". Its done. Its over. He is telling you, random strangers on the internet are telling you and you are refusing to listen to anyone. You are not being the grown up or reasonable here. You are being the brat. You may as well just stand in the middle of the room and stomp your feet and scream and scream until you are sick. It still isn't going to change. Its a slippery slope when you ignore situations like this... Your world is going to crash around you and you are going to end up really, really hurting because you simply will not listen. Open your ears and shut your mouth. You have been given advice and support and still refuse to take any of it because you want to be in a relationship. I don't think you even want to be with this guy, you just don't want to be single and you are afraid of going it alone. Quit being so stubborn because the ONLY person you are hurting here is yourself.

 

You are currently beating a dead horse that now has vultures eating it rather than acting with any form of dignity or grace and just burying the carcass.

 

Harsh but as it is. The sooner you accept, the sooner you can move on and start to heal. Carry on like this and you will be ripe for a disaster including homelessness. Trust me - you do not want to go there...

[elaine567]

When does the lease expire?

Can he manage the rent on his own?

Is there a penalty for breaking the lease?

 

He may not be sticking around because he is "conflicted" but just because it suits him financially to stay put.

[LastStraw]

In 6 months. No penalty if he gets it on him name (now is on both names). But I know he will be in crunch financially to pay the whole rent. Wouldn't that give the opposite effect - he keeping me around even if not interested to reduce his living costs ? He seems to really want me to move out regardless... Unless he's playing games.

 

 

When does the lease expire?

Can he manage the rent on his own?

Is there a penalty for breaking the lease?

 

He may not be sticking around because he is "conflicted" but just because it suits him financially to stay put.

[LastStraw]

Toodaloo, I'm hearing you. But some of your conclusions donot reflect my experience and what I wrote here. Could you specify please?

 

 

He is telling you. His behavior is telling you. How his behavior is telling me? He doesn't go anywhere, talks to me for hours, reflects on the relationship, initiates physical stuff. He's telling me he wants out but isn't his behavior confusing at best?

 

 

He may well still care for you but love you? That ship sailed long ago. It can't be that long - early September we were discussing to get engaged before Christmas. If anything this was a decision or change that happened in 2 months or under?

 

 

Stop pushing him. At this rate he is going to end up doing something horrible just to get rid of you once and for all. Agreed for not pushing. But what can he do, I'm on the lease, I'm religiously paying all my parts - the landlord will never kick me out because he has absolute no reason. Will he hit me? I really don't think he's that type of a person.

 

 

I don't think you even want to be with this guy, you just don't want to be single and you are afraid of going it alone. Why do you say so? I have been very happy single woman. I just want future with this man.

 

 

Carry on like this and you will be ripe for a disaster including homelessness. That sounds scary - what do you mean by 'disaster'? I'm not at all financially dependent on him, if anything is other way round, I can afford my own place. We are not abusive, we are friendly. What other disasters can happen?

 

 

LastStraw.

 

I get it. You don't want it to end.

 

Problem is he does and you are simply not listening to him. He is telling you. His behavior is telling you. There is nothing to save here.

 

He may well still care for you but love you? That ship sailed long ago. You are clinging on for grim death and he is prizing your fingers off. Time to learn to swim.

 

Stop pushing him. At this rate he is going to end up doing something horrible just to get rid of you once and for all. Don't make him do that. Don't put him in that position. Let him go.

 

Regardless of you moving out or not this is not something you can "save". Its done. Its over. He is telling you, random strangers on the internet are telling you and you are refusing to listen to anyone. You are not being the grown up or reasonable here. You are being the brat. You may as well just stand in the middle of the room and stomp your feet and scream and scream until you are sick. It still isn't going to change. Its a slippery slope when you ignore situations like this... Your world is going to crash around you and you are going to end up really, really hurting because you simply will not listen. Open your ears and shut your mouth. You have been given advice and support and still refuse to take any of it because you want to be in a relationship. I don't think you even want to be with this guy, you just don't want to be single and you are afraid of going it alone. Quit being so stubborn because the ONLY person you are hurting here is yourself.

 

You are currently beating a dead horse that now has vultures eating it rather than acting with any form of dignity or grace and just burying the carcass.

 

Harsh but as it is. The sooner you accept, the sooner you can move on and start to heal. Carry on like this and you will be ripe for a disaster including homelessness. Trust me - you do not want to go there...

[Toodaloo]

In 6 months. No penalty if he gets it on him name (now is on both names). But I know he will be in crunch financially to pay the whole rent. Wouldn't that give the opposite effect - he keeping me around even if not interested to reduce his living costs ? He seems to really want me to move out regardless... Unless he's playing games.

 

Which just shows how desperate he is to break up with you.

 

He is happy to be broke and struggle and still have you go.

 

When it comes to sex he is the one backing out.

 

He tells you time and time again its over and to look for somewhere else.

 

Would you please start having just a shred of respect for yourself and just leave.

 

He is not playing any games. You are the only one playing games trying to resurrect this dead duck. He is being 100% clear all the way through, yet you seem to think that if you refuse to sleep with him or give him the silent treatment or talk over things over and over again that he will change his mind, become the man of your dreams and you will both skip off into the sunset holding hands looking dreamily at each other...

 

Doesn't work that way.

 

Open your ears, open your eyes and quit thinking that anything you say can change this. Its happening. Its over. Its dead.

[LastStraw]

Read my last post in response to you - I clarified some things there.

 

 

I'm curious what do you base your opinion on - I'm not playing games, I have been consistent throughout. He's blowing hot/cold.

 

 

Which just shows how desperate he is to break up with you.

 

He is happy to be broke and struggle and still have you go.

 

When it comes to sex he is the one backing out.

 

He tells you time and time again its over and to look for somewhere else.

 

Would you please start having just a shred of respect for yourself and just leave.

 

He is not playing any games. You are the only one playing games trying to resurrect this dead duck. He is being 100% clear all the way through, yet you seem to think that if you refuse to sleep with him or give him the silent treatment or talk over things over and over again that he will change his mind, become the man of your dreams and you will both skip off into the sunset holding hands looking dreamily at each other...

 

Doesn't work that way.

 

Open your ears, open your eyes and quit thinking that anything you say can change this. Its happening. Its over. Its dead.

[Toodaloo]

Toodaloo, I'm hearing you. But some of your conclusions donot reflect my experience and what I wrote here. Could you specify please?

 

No you are not hearing me at all. You are only hearing what you want to hear. But here goes.

 

He is telling you. His behavior is telling you. How his behavior is telling me? He doesn't go anywhere, talks to me for hours, reflects on the relationship, initiates physical stuff. He's telling me he wants out but isn't his behavior confusing at best?

 

It is his home. He has asked you to leave he has said repeatedly that he wants to break up. Just because he is civil towards you doesn't mean jack all. Just because he has sexual urges and you are there doesn't mean jack. By the way haven't you already pointed out that he stops it and says he doesn't want to use you?!... He wants you to leave. He doesn't want to have sex with you.

 

He may well still care for you but love you? That ship sailed long ago. It can't be that long - early September we were discussing to get engaged before Christmas. If anything this was a decision or change that happened in 2 months or under?

 

Probably because he figured he may as well sleep in the bed as he had made it. He has probably also realised since that discussion that he has absolutely no intentions of spending the rest of his life with you. It really is that plain and simple.

 

Stop pushing him. At this rate he is going to end up doing something horrible just to get rid of you once and for all. Agreed for not pushing. But what can he do, I'm on the lease, I'm religiously paying all my parts - the landlord will never kick me out because he has absolute no reason. Will he hit me? I really don't think he's that type of a person.

 

I don't think he will hit you. I think he will meet someone else and start shagging them regardless of what you want or what you think. You will then cry wolf and cry but we are living together! We are in a relationship! How could you! Truth is your relationship ended a couple of weeks ago you just refuse to accept it and move on. And YOU will be the one hurting.

 

I don't think you even want to be with this guy, you just don't want to be single and you are afraid of going it alone. Why do you say so? I have been very happy single woman. I just want future with this man.

 

Do you really? I have seen you moan about his communication style and bather on about how you can "fix" him and his attitude and how it will all be better once he conforms to your opinions... If you really wanted him then you would accept him JUST AS HE ACTUALLY IS. You don't. That is clear. You just want some one pliant and malleable to have on the end of your arm. Not this man. You want to change him into your dream man rather than have him and you seem more worried about fixing the relationship that he tells you time and time again he doesn't want.

 

Carry on like this and you will be ripe for a disaster including homelessness. That sounds scary - what do you mean by 'disaster'? I'm not at all financially dependent on him, if anything is other way round, I can afford my own place. We are not abusive, we are friendly. What other disasters can happen?

 

The number one cause of homelessness is relationship break down. Once you lose your home it becomes very difficult to hold down a job etc. Its a downward spiral. By not sorting yourself out and getting yourself into a secure position with your living arrangements you are putting yourself at risk.

 

Carry on as you are and that friendliness the pair of you have will soon disappear.

 

For crying out loud I don't see why this has to be spelt out to you.

 

Get yourself sorted out with somewhere to live and leave. Keep your finances separate and for goodness sake grow up. A relationship is about two people its not all about you.

 

Quit acting like the spoilt princess and take some control of your life back.

 

Stages of grief

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance.

 

You are way back in denial.

[LastStraw]

Ok, I apparently gave confusing info:

 

It is his home. It is NOT his home. It is a joined rental property, in which I have contributed financially 50% every single month from day 1. On occasions over 50%.

 

 

He has asked you to leave he has said repeatedly that he wants to break up. Here is the deal: the week BEFORE he initiated break up I was on the verge of doing so. I actually said I'd move out etc in a fight I had with him. This was early October. Mid October he flipped the cards and decided that HE wants to break up. I really do think he's doing it to 'protect' himself - because if he doesn't I may initiate break up AGAIN. He said so. I just didn't want to go in these details because it gets confusing for the readers.

 

 

He doesn't want to have sex with you. I assume he can't fake erections The stupid part is that when he initiates sex, I'm getting my part so to speak. He just stops before intercourse - maybe he's afraid of pregnancy or sth and uses the 'not using me' as an excuse. I think that because he asked me did I stop my pills (I haven't).

 

 

He has probably also realised since that discussion that he has absolutely no intentions of spending the rest of his life with you. Very possibly but I'm saying it is not 'long gone' because this was under 8 weeks ago. He also badly wanted to get married (in general) - because of family and religious pressure.

 

 

I think he will meet someone else and start shagging them regardless of what you want or what you think. He's fairly religious and fairly inexperienced. I am not saying it is impossible - but it will be against his morals, family and I don't think he has the social skills to hook up that fast.

 

 

** If you really wanted him then you would accept him JUST AS HE ACTUALLY IS.** Spot on - this was one of the main concerns that he expressed in our pity-relationship talks. I don't think so, but maybe I'm giving that impression. I don't know how to change that

 

 

By not sorting yourself out and getting yourself into a secure position with your living arrangements you are putting yourself at risk. I know it is precarious but I'm VERY flexible. I've moved in the past few years more than people move in their lifetime. The only reason I haven't moved out yet is I want to save the relationship. Or at least give it a last try.

 

 

No you are not hearing me at all. You are only hearing what you want to hear. But here goes.

 

 

 

It is his home. He has asked you to leave he has said repeatedly that he wants to break up. Just because he is civil towards you doesn't mean jack all. Just because he has sexual urges and you are there doesn't mean jack. By the way haven't you already pointed out that he stops it and says he doesn't want to use you?!... He wants you to leave. He doesn't want to have sex with you.

 

 

 

Probably because he figured he may as well sleep in the bed as he had made it. He has probably also realised since that discussion that he has absolutely no intentions of spending the rest of his life with you. It really is that plain and simple.

 

 

 

I don't think he will hit you. I think he will meet someone else and start shagging them regardless of what you want or what you think. You will then cry wolf and cry but we are living together! We are in a relationship! How could you! Truth is your relationship ended a couple of weeks ago you just refuse to accept it and move on. And YOU will be the one hurting.

 

 

 

Do you really? I have seen you moan about his communication style and bather on about how you can "fix" him and his attitude and how it will all be better once he conforms to your opinions... If you really wanted him then you would accept him JUST AS HE ACTUALLY IS. You don't. That is clear. You just want some one pliant and malleable to have on the end of your arm. Not this man. You want to change him into your dream man rather than have him and you seem more worried about fixing the relationship that he tells you time and time again he doesn't want.

 

 

 

The number one cause of homelessness is relationship break down. Once you lose your home it becomes very difficult to hold down a job etc. Its a downward spiral. By not sorting yourself out and getting yourself into a secure position with your living arrangements you are putting yourself at risk.

 

Carry on as you are and that friendliness the pair of you have will soon disappear.

 

For crying out loud I don't see why this has to be spelt out to you.

 

Get yourself sorted out with somewhere to live and leave. Keep your finances separate and for goodness sake grow up. A relationship is about two people its not all about you.

 

Quit acting like the spoilt princess and take some control of your life back.

 

Stages of grief

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance.

 

You are way back in denial.

[Toodaloo]

Ok, I apparently gave confusing info:

 

It is his home. It is NOT his home. It is a joined rental property, in which I have contributed financially 50% every single month from day 1. On occasions over 50%.

 

 

He has asked you to leave he has said repeatedly that he wants to break up. Here is the deal: the week BEFORE he initiated break up I was on the verge of doing so. I actually said I'd move out etc in a fight I had with him. This was early October. Mid October he flipped the cards and decided that HE wants to break up. I really do think he's doing it to 'protect' himself - because if he doesn't I may initiate break up AGAIN. He said so. I just didn't want to go in these details because it gets confusing for the readers.

 

 

He doesn't want to have sex with you. I assume he can't fake erections The stupid part is that when he initiates sex, I'm getting my part so to speak. He just stops before intercourse - maybe he's afraid of pregnancy or sth and uses the 'not using me' as an excuse. I think that because he asked me did I stop my pills (I haven't).

 

 

He has probably also realised since that discussion that he has absolutely no intentions of spending the rest of his life with you. Very possibly but I'm saying it is not 'long gone' because this was under 8 weeks ago. He also badly wanted to get married (in general) - because of family and religious pressure.

 

 

I think he will meet someone else and start shagging them regardless of what you want or what you think. He's fairly religious and fairly inexperienced. I am not saying it is impossible - but it will be against his morals, family and I don't think he has the social skills to hook up that fast.

 

 

** If you really wanted him then you would accept him JUST AS HE ACTUALLY IS.** Spot on - this was one of the main concerns that he expressed in our pity-relationship talks. I don't think so, but maybe I'm giving that impression. I don't know how to change that

 

 

By not sorting yourself out and getting yourself into a secure position with your living arrangements you are putting yourself at risk. I know it is precarious but I'm VERY flexible. I've moved in the past few years more than people move in their lifetime. The only reason I haven't moved out yet is I want to save the relationship. Or at least give it a last try.

 

You have an excuse for everything so please continue to delude yourself because you sure as heck are not going to listen to reason from anyone else. I would suggest therapy but I know that is going to be pooh poohed by you and you will just come up with more excuses.

 

Thing is he is now single. You are not his girlfriend anymore. You are just a limpet hanging on. If he wants to get together with another woman there is nothing you can do or say about it. He seems very mild mannered but he will get to the end of his tether and you will land with a bump. He can do whatever the hell he likes.

 

Good luck with that.

[LastStraw]

You could have at least read what I have said before forming 'opinions' (assumptions) and rudely expressing them.

 

 

Yes I am in therapy, thank you. Part of the reason I am NOT leaving is my counselor advised that as well.

 

 

I came here for objective advice, NOT for personal accusations.

 

 

You have an excuse for everything so please continue to delude yourself because you sure as heck are not going to listen to reason from anyone else. I would suggest therapy but I know that is going to be pooh poohed by you and you will just come up with more excuses.

 

Thing is he is now single. You are not his girlfriend anymore. You are just a limpet hanging on. If he wants to get together with another woman there is nothing you can do or say about it. He seems very mild mannered but he will get to the end of his tether and you will land with a bump. He can do whatever the hell he likes.

 

Good luck with that.

[Blanco]

You could have at least read what I have said before forming 'opinions' (assumptions) and rudely expressing them.

 

 

Yes I am in therapy, thank you. Part of the reason I am NOT leaving is my counselor advised that as well.

 

 

I came here for objective advice, NOT for personal accusations.

 

Ask yourself what strangers on the internet have to gain by giving you anything but objective advice on your situation. Just because people are telling you what you don't want to hear and (understandably) getting a bit flustered that you are shooting down those comments doesn't mean the comments are biased.

[NuevoYorko]

I don't think it's salvageable. Regardless, the only course of action is to quit the weird charade of sleeping, eating, cuddling together. He is obviously not interested in "fixing" anything and he makes that clear to you at every opportunity.

 

Stop all that and move out.

 

If he wants to try again, he will come to you, as you've made it known that is what you want. It doesn't sound likely, but staying in this limbo with him constantly reiterating his boundaries is not helping your cause.

[LastStraw]

Understood - but when I give specific information (my second to last post to Toodaloo) and receive 'You have an excuse for everything so please continue to delude yourself because you sure as heck are not going to listen to reason from anyone else' - that's accusatory, non-specific and not respectful.

 

 

Otherwise I'm happy to read ANY comments even those that I disagree with because the situation is very hard and time pressured right now.

 

 

Ask yourself what strangers on the internet have to gain by giving you anything but objective advice on your situation. Just because people are telling you what you don't want to hear and (understandably) getting a bit flustered that you are shooting down those comments doesn't mean the comments are biased.

[LastStraw]

The thing is if I move out there is no return even if he comes back crying. I set this boundary for myself and I'm not getting weak on it. I moved with him from a good place because he needed my help, now he's backstabbing - I'm never going to be content with it.

 

 

However - if we avoid the move out - I'm willing to work on the relationship with him. Now he shared his wants/needs (he was a terrible communicator in the beginning) - I can make it better than before. Not to brag but I'm a great catch for him. I think he'll be a good long term partner as well... If we get back together and work as a couple.

 

 

I can stop the cuddling etc - but how to treat the move out sh*t - I'm afraid if he really wants it and I stay, he may move out. I need to make him think hard... I honestly think he's playing games with me and doesn't realize that if I move out, he has lost me forever.

 

 

I don't think it's salvageable. Regardless, the only course of action is to quit the weird charade of sleeping, eating, cuddling together. He is obviously not interested in "fixing" anything and he makes that clear to you at every opportunity.

 

Stop all that and move out.

 

If he wants to try again, he will come to you, as you've made it known that is what you want. It doesn't sound likely, but staying in this limbo with him constantly reiterating his boundaries is not helping your cause.

[Blanco]

Then tell him that.

[LastStraw]

It hurts my mind how to phrase it without sounding like an ultimatum. Would writing it to him in an e-mail or text be a good approach?

[Blanco]

No this is definitely not something to be sent in an email or text. Doing so is actually a great way to increase the likelihood that he interprets it like an ultimatum.

 

I would simply sit him down and calmly explain that you want the relationship to work and are willing to do the necessary work if he is, too. Emphasize that it'll be difficult, if not impossible to do if one of you moves out.

[NuevoYorko]

The thing is if I move out there is no return even if he comes back crying. I set this boundary for myself and I'm not getting weak on it.

Then you might as well just accept the fact that there's no return ever. I think it's interesting that you have this one hard and fast boundary - but the situation you're living with is unhealthily devoid of boundaries. Maybe move the inflexible one over to your home: "I won't live with a man I want to be in a relationship with, who has broken up with me" and be more giving on the other one?

[LastStraw]

I have done that - maybe I wasn't clear enough before?

His reaction: 'How would I know that we're not getting back to old patterns a week or two after getting back together?' and 'Shall I trust the last month or the last year?'. He's trapping me in those type of conversations

 

 

No this is definitely not something to be sent in an email or text. Doing so is actually a great way to increase the likelihood that he interprets it like an ultimatum.

 

I would simply sit him down and calmly explain that you want the relationship to work and are willing to do the necessary work if he is, too. Emphasize that it'll be difficult, if not impossible to do if one of you moves out.

[LastStraw]

The thing is moving out requires action and losses, staying in requires nothing. He likes to do things together and he initiates a lot of the relationship talk, I'm not forcing him with a gun

 

 

Then you might as well just accept the fact that there's no return ever. I think it's interesting that you have this one hard and fast boundary - but the situation you're living with is unhealthily devoid of boundaries. Maybe move the inflexible one over to your home: "I won't live with a man I want to be in a relationship with, who has broken up with me" and be more giving on the other one?