Is it bad I don't feel too comfortable talking about problems with my boyfriend?

[ktragers]

By problems I mean my own issues (work stuff, rough patch in life, etc.), not relationship problems with him. I recently had a rough few days at work and it's hit me pretty hard. I've mainly been dealing with it by talking with my closest friends and seeking comfort from coworkers I have a closer relationships with whom I also trust. They've been tremendous help for me and have offered a lot of useful advice to me. However, I've particularly shut my boyfriend out in this process and he feels hurt that I don't feel comfortable talking about these things with him.

 

I'm not sure why though. I do trust him and I know he's a great, considerate, sensitive, patient person who's always ready to help people out. He feels especially hurt that I'm more comfortable talking about my work issues with a neighbor who just moved in two months ago. The thing is, I've known some of my closest friends for years and I've always talked to them about anything and everything so I know for sure that they're always there for me. The neighbor guy is someone who's been very nice to me (cooked dinner and shared with me, never complained about things he'd done for me over and over again, etc.) and overall makes me feel very safe and that he's trustworthy. It's also easier for me to call up friends who live close to grab an ice cream late night or just get together for a chat over coffee some evenings. My boyfriend lives 15 miles away.

 

So I can't really come up with a specific reason why I don't feel comfortable talking about issues with boyfriend when he's supposed to be the one I'm closest to. I've always been a tough and independent woman who always seems to have to fend for herself, so it's hard for me to just trust everyone quickly because I'm not used to relying on people so much and opening up my feelings immediately. I'm an outgoing person who likes to share stories with people, but now I guess not every story.

[smackie9]

I look at as why change something that isn't broke...it has always worked for you so why change?

 

Well you haven't taken the next step in commitment, and I can see why he is hurt. If you want this partnership to grow, you need to start sharing more of yourself to him. This is going to be crucial if you ever get married because if you keep this up, you both will drift apart. You need to understand, your partner is supposed to be your life, your support, for better or for worse.

 

Would it be fair to you if he didn't share what is going on with his life? You would feel like an outcast wouldn't you?

[BluesPower]

Have to agree with smackie9...

 

He really should feel hurt. If he loves you, he wants to be there for you in all things.

 

If you are going to have a real relationship with him you will need to be able to talk about everything with him and lean on him if necessary.

 

Sometimes in life our SO is the only person that we have to lean on, that is why they are our SO.

[mikeylo]

Trust your gut feeling. It's telling you that for some reason it's not safe to share stuff with him. You might have picked up something from him to verify that. Work on it.

[Redhead14]

By problems I mean my own issues (work stuff, rough patch in life, etc.), not relationship problems with him. I recently had a rough few days at work and it's hit me pretty hard. I've mainly been dealing with it by talking with my closest friends and seeking comfort from coworkers I have a closer relationships with whom I also trust. They've been tremendous help for me and have offered a lot of useful advice to me. However, I've particularly shut my boyfriend out in this process and he feels hurt that I don't feel comfortable talking about these things with him.

 

I'm not sure why though. I do trust him and I know he's a great, considerate, sensitive, patient person who's always ready to help people out. He feels especially hurt that I'm more comfortable talking about my work issues with a neighbor who just moved in two months ago. The thing is, I've known some of my closest friends for years and I've always talked to them about anything and everything so I know for sure that they're always there for me. The neighbor guy is someone who's been very nice to me (cooked dinner and shared with me, never complained about things he'd done for me over and over again, etc.) and overall makes me feel very safe and that he's trustworthy. It's also easier for me to call up friends who live close to grab an ice cream late night or just get together for a chat over coffee some evenings. My boyfriend lives 15 miles away.

 

So I can't really come up with a specific reason why I don't feel comfortable talking about issues with boyfriend when he's supposed to be the one I'm closest to. I've always been a tough and independent woman who always seems to have to fend for herself, so it's hard for me to just trust everyone quickly because I'm not used to relying on people so much and opening up my feelings immediately. I'm an outgoing person who likes to share stories with people, but now I guess not every story.

 

How long have you been seeing him?

[ktragers]

How long have you been seeing him?

 

We've been together for about 10 months. I guess it hasn't been that long but our relationship has grown smoothly for the most part and we've gotten closer and closer.

[ktragers]

Trust your gut feeling. It's telling you that for some reason it's not safe to share stuff with him. You might have picked up something from him to verify that. Work on it.

 

I thought about that too and besides my own insecurities, there really aren't any reasons for me to not trust him. At the beginning of our relationship, though, I was under the impression that he never wants to settle down and he's always checking out other girls while we're out. But that's gotten better since we'd gotten closer. I also know he doesn't like long conversations on the phone so maybe I feel like he wouldn't be interested in hearing what I have to say when I'm venting about a problem.

[Redhead14]

We've been together for about 10 months. I guess it hasn't been that long but our relationship has grown smoothly for the most part and we've gotten closer and closer.

 

smoothly for the most part -- What was going on when things were growing smoothly? Have you two been on and off?

 

You should be doing some sharing with him. Work issues, etc. shouldn't be a big deal or issue of trust. Maybe more personal, deeper things you might be hesitant about. If you are looking to the long term with him, it's important to communicate and share/vent to each other. Without mutual connection and support, the relationship will wither away.

 

I'm adding this because I just read your last post:

 

I was under the impression that he never wants to settle down -- Have you ever had an actual conversation about what each of your dating goals are in general? That's something you need to address. If he's just dating casually without the intention of committing and you're dating with the goal of marriage, you two aren't on the same page to start with. You may not be saying it would be with each other at this point, just as an overall goal. You may be hesitant because you're unsure of his intentions and haven't addressed it . . . have you at least declared exclusivity and/or boyfriend/girlfriend?

Edited October 21, 2016 by Redhead14

[mikeylo]

I thought about that too and besides my own insecurities, there really aren't any reasons for me to not trust him. At the beginning of our relationship, though, I was under the impression that he never wants to settle down and he's always checking out other girls while we're out. But that's gotten better since we'd gotten closer. I also know he doesn't like long conversations on the phone so maybe I feel like he wouldn't be interested in hearing what I have to say when I'm venting about a problem.

 

All valid reasons to not open up.

[Toodaloo]

We've been together for about 10 months. I guess it hasn't been that long but our relationship has grown smoothly for the most part and we've gotten closer and closer.

 

Well let it continue to grow and tell him that you intend for it to continue to grow...

 

He probably just feels pushed out.

[kendahke]

so it's hard for me to just trust everyone quickly .

 

Except you trust a neighbor who you've known for only 2 months, so that's really not a true statement. And your boyfriend isn't "everyone".

 

Is there some form of resentment you're holding against your boyfriend that you're using to justify taking the tack you have with him?

[kmack513]

Actually that is pretty smart. If you have 1 good friend maybe you can air problems with her. Honestly if I am dating a girl and she is always complaining about work, big turn off.

[BluesPower]

Could be that you are not that in to her?

 

Tip: Women love to talk. They love to be listened to. It is kind of something that you have to provide them. It goes a long way toward making them happy.

 

It is a connection thing for them. Just saying...

[Sunkissedpatio]

It makes perfect sense that you can trust people you know superficially over the one person you really care about, the people you do choose to open up to can't hurt you the way your partner can. At least that is what your protective mind is saying.

 

If you want your relationship to keep growing though you need to let him in. This is crucial to the wellbeing and growth of your intimacy. Relying on one another to share those day-to-day problems becoming vulnerable in front of each other is important for the foundation of the relationship. Those are the true tests of compatibility.

 

Wanting and needing your partner's help or advice is not going to make you less independent it is going to make you more attractive to him actually and will draw you emotionally closer.

[joseb]

If I was him I would be ok with you sharing all this with your close friends.

However, i would feel very uncomfortable with you sharing all this as well as going for dinner wirh a male neighbour you just met. That's getting close to emotional affair Territory.