Jump to content

should i have gotten a thankyou from him? maybe he does not want to be my friend

chumly

By chumly
in Friendship

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

chumly Established Member

chumly

Posted
Posted (edited)

I am not sure what category to put this in since I kind of have a romantic interest in this person but we are only talking as friends..I guess this is the right category though:love:

 

Anyway, like I said, there is this man that I have chatted with for quite sometime online ....we never met in person, we were both very interested in each other romantically initially but it became clear that we were not very compatible. However, I have continued to pursue a friendship with him..this is probably partly because I still have romantic feelings for him and would like to remain in contact in case things might develop into something more if we ever meet. The other reason that I want to be friends with him is due to the fact that we have talked for quite sometime and shared so much with each other. I kind of feel like we already know each other even though we never met in person...this makes me want to keep him in my life in someway. He also told me about at least one other platonic friendship he had with a female (although I am not altogether certain if he is still in contact with her anymore) but anyway, this lead me to believe he is open to being friends to at least a certain extent, with the opposite sex if nothing else were to take place. Anyway, he seems to be going along with this light friendship that i am trying to develop but I dont get the feeling he is as interested in the whole friendship idea as i am. He is definitely looking for a girlfriend. I am also a bit hesitant on how far any type of friendship with him will really develop for the simple fact that he told me he has no friends (with the possible exception of this one lady). This makes me think that he does not do the things necessary to grow a friendship, so I am not very optimistic of my pursuit. :( However, for whatever it is worth I seem to still be trying with him.:sick:

 

However, a few weeks back we were chatting a bit online and he was telling me about a female he started dating for only 2 weeks. They wound up breaking up and he seemed to be devastated. He sent me a long message telling me about how sad he was..anyway, i tried to advise him online and kind of helped him through the situation..I offered for him to call me to talk on the phone but he never took me up on the offer even though he told me he wanted to but he said he was just not in the correct frame of mind. He did thank me though at the time that I helped him and said that he could not wait to meet me in the future since i was being so nice to him and said he was feeling better too but then I did not hear from him for about 2 weeks. I decided to send him a message to see how he was doing and to also keep in line with my friendship pursuit of him and I told him that i hoped he was feeling better. To make things easier..I will post the message he sent me and the response I sent back to him underneath...

 

his message to me...

 

 

I'm feeling better health wise.

Nothing else exciting to report.

Good luck with the job hunt (still).

 

Not jolly tonight, but not sad either.

 

XOXO

 

and now this was my response back to him after that...

 

 

Glad your health is good and I am sure you will feel jolly soon enough.;)

 

Well, if you ever feel like talking about anything you can still call me anytime on my cell phone 24/7 and I really mean that (I have tons of minutes and you know I love to talk on the phone...lol). Just leave a voice message and I will call you back if I dont pick up. I can always take a break from my job to chat for a bit. Maybe we can try the skype thing sometime..I did not know that a phone is not required for that...that is definitely good to know.;)

 

Anyway, have a great night ahead and keep in touch.

 

(virtual hugs and kisses too)

 

 

 

Anyway, I thought my message to him was very nice..especially my offer for him to call me but I did not hear back so I resent the message to him in case he did not get it (I just told him the message came back to me so i just wanted to make sure that he did indeed receive it). As of now I still have not heard back.:(

 

Anyway, my question is...do you think is it rude that he did not send a response to thank me? I know I tend to overanalyze things and tend to be overly sensitive about things like that..so I am not sure if that is what is going on here but I just felt my offer for him to call me anytime warranted a thankyou and it kind of bothers me that he has not done so as of yet. Perhaps it is bothering me more due to the fact that I still have a romantic interest in him ....I am not sure but there is something about it that does not sit well with me. I also thought his message to me was extremely brief after all the help I provided to him. It was nice and warm that he closed with the xoxo..but I still thought there was a certain coldness to it in a way....almost like he is trying to get rid of me or just not really very interested..but again, i am not sure if i am overanalyzing things again...or maybe just being paranoid.

 

Anyway, I would be interested in others thoughts on this??? Is he rude? Am I being overly sensitive?? does he seem to lack an interest in having me as a friend like I fear?

 

I am out of town right now but thought when i got back if we had a good enough friendship connection him and I could finally meet in person but now i am not sure.

 

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.;)

Edited by chumly
  • Author
chumly Established Member

chumly

Posted
  • Author
Posted

also wondering if you think it might have come across as strange that I resent the message to him in case he did not receive it?? I told him that the message came back to me so that is why I was resending it.

I feel a bit funny that I did that but I just wanted to make sure he did get it and since he did not respond back I started second guessing it.

I hope that did not seem strange that I did that.:(

 

Thanks for any feedback on all of this.;)

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

As this is not a romantic relationship and as far as he is concerned going nowhere, then he sees no need to contact you. Few men need a pen-pal, and although very willing to "take" all your advice, sympathy and good will when he was feeling down, he now no longer needs you.

He doesn't reply because he is not interested in being friends with you.

Men usually just want to focus on dating, and are not interested in legions of female "friends", as they just usually make dating difficult, as who wants a guy who spends all his free time chatting and spending time with other women?

 

I am not sure why you feel you need to make friends out of men from dating sites, they are not there to make friends.

If you are lonely then get some girl friends to do things with.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

Your message to him was very thoughtful. But it does not warrant an immediate reply. He will reply when he's ready.

 

I've had pen-pals on and off since the 1980's. We come and they go. We contact frequently and then have a break and then get back in contact. It's all normal.

  • Like 1
  • Author
chumly Established Member

chumly

Posted
  • Author
Posted

elaine567....thanks but i do have female friends but as i said, i wanted to be friends with him since we were not compatible romantically from what we knew of each other so far. You make him sound pretty horrible..like he used me for advice and threw me away after that. i hope you are wrong about that. :( although since he has no friends I guess anything is possible..usually when people have no friends there is a very good reason for that:(

 

basil67...thanks so much. Maybe you are right. Thanks for saying that my message to him was thoughtful!:) I will try not to let any of this get to me and like you said, that is probably just how it works with pen pals sometimes. I am also very big on manners and etiquette but not everyone thinks like me with that. I guess this does not necessarily mean he is not thankful though just because he might not say anything back, maybe a true friend would not expect it anyway ...anyway thanks again:) That made me feel much better.:)

anika99 Established Member

anika99

Posted
Posted

I don't think you can be friends with this guy simply because you have stated numerous times that you have romantic feelings for him and this is obvious in the way you are approaching the friendship with him. Your message to him telling him to call you didn't sound so much like "hey call me if you need to talk", it sounded more like "pretty please call me". And then you resent it which probably looked pretty weird to him too. Since he received your message the first time you sent it he probably knew you were not telling the truth when you said it got bounced back to you.

 

When I let a friend know that they can call me I don't expect them to thank me for that. I mean what? Am I God? My friends are supposed to thank me for giving them permission to phone me? I think your offer of friendship is not genuine, you still have romantic feelings for the guy and your expectations of him match those feelings, not normal friendship feelings.

  • Like 3
NuevoYorko Established Member

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted

I posted on one of your other threads - still the same opinion:

 

Real friendships don't evolve out of contacts made on dating sites. Well, I'm sure there are exceptions, but it would be unusual.

 

As I said before, friendships take chemistry and actual effort to develop and maintain. Even if there's a connection and things shared via text or email, that's what is known as "false intimacy." It doesn't often translate into real life intimacy.

 

It's disingenuous for you to be pretending that you're not interested in him romantically. I'm sure he can tell and that's why he's keeping his distance. And, I do think it's weirdly pushy for you to re-send him a message because he didn't answer you quickly (or ever). Actual friends don't require that - a well meaning message doesn't require a "thank you" from a friend.

 

Same advice as last time: Please stop investing in contacts made on dating sites unless they result in actual dating. This is not the way to make new friends.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

He's not interested in you romantically and not particularly as friends either. He's just leaning on you because you're begging him to. Your emails sound pushy and cloying. You're upset because you can't always make him respond the way you want to make him respond. Thing is, he knows not to because he doesn't want to give you false hope.

Doris1991 New Member

Doris1991

Posted
Posted

Hello lovely :)

 

I understand how frustrating it must be to be pushing a friendship with someone who you're worried isn't interested in it! I also totally get that you want to keep this person in your life. I think you probably are overanalysing his behaviour because of your romantic interest in him (which most of us would do!).

 

The fact he didn't reply isn't rude I wouldn't say, but I think if a person is meant to/wants to be in your life they make it obvious and don't leave you guessing whether they want a friendship or not (I.e. You'll both initiate conversations with each other and it will flow easily etc). To me it feels like you're making all the effort and not getting anything in return (your messages seem very caring and detailed!) I know that's probably not what you want to hear as he's important to you but while you're making all this effort with him there's other people who I'm sure would love to have a friend so caring about them! It's his problem if he doesn't appreciate you, not yours :)

 

I know believe me I'm in a similar situation to you but it has a big impact on my self worth and such as it makes me feel rejected when my efforts go unnoticed! I don't want the same to happen to you!! I know it's hard but I would (if you can!) leave him be for now, focus on the people who love you! even if it's not forever, you can always contact him again in the future, just don't put your whole heart and soul into it would be my advice!

  • Like 1
whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

Detach and lower your expectation level with him. Be friends, and keep it as just that.

  • Like 1
  • Author
chumly Established Member

chumly

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

thanks for all the advise. I meant to post back sooner.:)

 

Thankfully I did get a response back to him the day after I sent this message and he had a very thankful tone in his message and basically said that he is just not really up for talking on the phone lately but is hoping to feel like it again soon. I kind of got the feeling that he might still be upset about his breakup....so I just sent a quick message back and said that I understood and that I hope he feels better and that he can call me anytime. :)

 

I felt alot better that he at least acknowledged my message to him.:)

 

In regards to the responses on here...

 

I reread the message that I left for him and can see why some might think I seemed pushy with some of the things that I said but there are reasons as to why I said certain things..for example, I mentioned having tons of minutes because he expressed concern in the past about calling me and using up all my minutes because that had happened in the past when we used to talk all the time. I wanted to let him know that I had lots of minutes so he should not concern himself with that. I also mentioned the skype thing because he kept asking if I would get it so we can chat on there and he told me that I did not need a phone with that...he figured this would save me from using my minutes when chatting with him. I was just letting him know that I was open to getting it. So as you can see..there were reasons why I said certain things that might have come across as pushy. They were kind of responses I was giving to him to previous comments he had made to me.

 

The other reason that I has assumed that he wanted to be friends with me was due to the fact that he had repeatedly told me how much he loves talking to me on the phone (even though he never calls me anymore) and he has asked repeatedly to meet him in person after he had said that he did not think we seemed compatible romantically. I assumed that he must have wanted to meet me as a friend since I could not understand any other reason that he would still be interested in meeting me after saying he did not think we were a good match romantically. I mean..wouldn't anybody assume this in this case? :sick:

 

The funny thing is that he was definitely the one who did most of the pursuing romantically but it looks like at this point I am the one doing most of the friendship pursuing. :sick:

 

Doris1991...thanks so much for your very sweet message! I really appreciate you relating to me like that.:) It sounds like you know exactly how I feel.:) Yes, it is definitely possible that I am overanalyzing things since I still have romantic feelings for him and at the same time I definitely feel as though I am doing all the work here and making all the effort. He seems somewhat receptive and at time very receptive to being friends but I am getting the feeling that if I dont initiate the messages we will just lose contact completely. I dont want that to happen but I am not sure if I like the idea of my having to do all the work initially all the time and the fact that he does not have any friends just adds more suspicion to me that he will continue to be this way. I am in a similar situation with a female friend of mine too. I seem to have to make all the effort ..she is receptive to being my friend when I do but it seems to only happen when I make that first initial contact. That might be a good title for a seperate thread..."can we consider people real friends if we have to always make the initial contact?";). I know I would feel much better about things if these people would contact me out of nowhere sometimes.:sick:

 

I also really like your suggestion Doris1991, about concentrating more on people that show they love me more. That is exactly what I intend to do and like you said, I may contact him in the future but I am definitely not going to put too much into the whole thing either. I also know not to take it personal either...like I said before, there is probably a very good reason that he does not have any friends. I am sure he is like this to everyone that he is not interested in romantically. Thanks so much again for all the help. I really appreciate it.:)

 

whichwayisup...great advice from you as well!! short and sweet...yes, I need to do that!! In fact, I am probably going to stop checking the email address he has for me for a while now and just concentrate on my other friends that seem to show more effort. Thanks so much.:)

 

I guess to sum it up..I will consider him only an online distant friend/almost more like an acquaintance for now. it is possible that this might be all he is capable of being with anybody anyway. :o thanks for all the advice:)

Edited by chumly
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...