Ilovelifeforwhatcome Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 I experienced my 1st real BU a year ago. I loved the guy and I put my all in the relationship, he ended up taking me for granted. I am starting to date another guy and I keep having doubts, just afraid that he isn't into me as much as I am into him. I would rather be single, then be in a relationship like that again. We are doing LD and although we aren't exclusive yet, we aren't dating anyone else. He is a terrible texter (he told me that), sometimes taking hours to respond, but he does send sweet texts (good morning/night etc). He rarely initiates vid chats, but is always open to them and we could spend several hours talking. Can these doubts just be because I was hurt in the past? The guy hasn't done anything wrong, he respects me and is very sweet to me. I am going down to see him next month, he is even giving up a trip w/friends for the time I come visit (he mentioned the trip, but I didn't know when they were going). Normal to feel or no?
Miss Spider Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 I experienced my 1st real BU a year ago. I loved the guy and I put my all in the relationship, he ended up taking me for granted. I am starting to date another guy and I keep having doubts, just afraid that he isn't into me as much as I am into him. I would rather be single, then be in a relationship like that again. We are doing LD and although we aren't exclusive yet, we aren't dating anyone else. He is a terrible texter (he told me that), sometimes taking hours to respond, but he does send sweet texts (good morning/night etc). He rarely initiates vid chats, but is always open to them and we could spend several hours talking. Can these doubts just be because I was hurt in the past? The guy hasn't done anything wrong, he respects me and is very sweet to me. I am going down to see him next month, he is even giving up a trip w/friends for the time I come visit (he mentioned the trip, but I didn't know when they were going). Normal to feel or no? Is he from Louisville??? Sorry your story sounds so similar to mine. I got of a relationship which I was used too, started dating, and began having doubts. Don't be so quick to dismiss your doubts or instincts because you have been emotionally hurt. I think more often than not they are there for a reason. You don't feel secure, so you blame it on your last relationship.. but the truth is this guy should be doing a lot more make you feel secure. How hard is it to reply to a text these days? Especially in an LD, where communication is like...everything? Going hours without knowing when you're next going to talk to someone you care about is maddening.Its also reasonable to wonder why he never initiates chats to see you. Why wouldn't he want to? You're asking all valid questions. Don't doubt your sanity over a flakey guy.
Author Ilovelifeforwhatcome Posted October 21, 2016 Author Posted October 21, 2016 Is he from Louisville??? Sorry your story sounds so similar to mine. I got of a relationship which I was used too, started dating, and began having doubts. Don't be so quick to dismiss your doubts or instincts because you have been emotionally hurt. I think more often than not they are there for a reason. You don't feel secure, so you blame it on your last relationship.. but the truth is this guy should be doing a lot more make you feel secure. How hard is it to reply to a text these days? Especially in an LD, where communication is like...everything? Going hours without knowing when you're next going to talk to someone you care about is maddening.Its also reasonable to wonder why he never initiates chats to see you. Why wouldn't he want to? You're asking all valid questions. Don't doubt your sanity over a flakey guy. I know texting doesn't determine a good relationship and he is texting me more then he used to, but i just don't want to pursue someone who doesn't want me. He sends me sweet texts and many times he texts goodnight if I don't 1st. I guess I need to express I want more communication from him. I do think its a positive sign that he is giving up friends for my visit.
Blackened Heart Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 This is very relate-able, when you get burned once you fear it happening again. I remember my therapist telling me once, that he has met with many women whom over time, they would say they would be with a guy with absolutely nothing wrong with the guy, but they would end the relationship in just pure fear of being hurt due to previous bad experiences. That the women themselves couldn't understand why they would do that, other then just the fear of the unknown. It is what I am struggling with now given recent events, if I will become so jaded that I won't allow anyone else to come close, just out of the fear of feeling pain again in my heart. It's tough loving isn't it? The only thing keeping me from fully going over is remember the feeling of when things are good, as I can't see experiencing them any other way.
Author Ilovelifeforwhatcome Posted October 21, 2016 Author Posted October 21, 2016 This is very relate-able, when you get burned once you fear it happening again. I remember my therapist telling me once, that he has met with many women whom over time, they would say they would be with a guy with absolutely nothing wrong with the guy, but they would end the relationship in just pure fear of being hurt due to previous bad experiences. That the women themselves couldn't understand why they would do that, other then just the fear of the unknown. It is what I am struggling with now given recent events, if I will become so jaded that I won't allow anyone else to come close, just out of the fear of feeling pain again in my heart. It's tough loving isn't it? The only thing keeping me from fully going over is remember the feeling of when things are good, as I can't see experiencing them any other way. Both of us have been previously hurt, I'm not gonna just leave the guy due to doubts. I just don't want to be left hanging, when this wasn't a big deal to him. People have always told me if someone cares about you, there aren't going to be big doubts, you will feel it. I don't how true this is.
Blackened Heart Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 Both of us have been previously hurt, I'm not gonna just leave the guy due to doubts. I just don't want to be left hanging, when this wasn't a big deal to him. People have always told me if someone cares about you, there aren't going to be big doubts, you will feel it. I don't how true this is. This reminds me of my recent ex and something I know I could have done better before the whole mess of things. We would at times have issues in where I wouldn't see it as a big deal over text, but to her it affected her greatly. In a way I did feel at the time she was overreacting to them, makings mountains out of mole hills if you will. But what I have come to realize, that even though they were not a big deal to me, they were to her, and I could have been a bit more understanding to her perspective of the situation. Even though it did not affect me much, it affected her greatly. That's probably the most difficult thing in a relationship, knowing how to empathize and understand how something can affect the other person and making the situation better, because you don't want them feeling hurt or fear. Unfortunately my ex is so off in the deep in now back to using drugs, it is far too late for us. I agree with your comment of being more vocal, in that he can hopefully understand the situation. It would be better, I feel, to find out now if he can, rather than for it to drag out and things to end because things build up too much.
Miss Spider Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 (edited) Texts don't make a relationship, but communication does. If you need more from him you need to tell him and he should put in the effort if he's serious about pursuing you. I get some people aren't big textersd, but to me there's no excuse for someone mutually into you to leave you wondering, guessing about their intentions...they should be trying to quell those concerns!! You shouldn't have to be digging up details to remind yourself he's really into you.. Guy I was seeing LD and felt uneasy about after my bad relationship 1. sent me unprompted "good morning, beautiful" /goodnight/gorgeous messages . I thought it was significant , but it's pretty minimal effort 2. (At least claimed he) canceled plans to see me(again means little to nothing if even true, esp since the lengths guys will go at the prospect of sleeping witha new girl they've been pursuing) 3. Told me he's not talking to/seeing anyone else Yet i felt something was not right with the situation and I was more invested and eventually found out he was never that into me and it was just a casual thing for him. Not to say that's the case for you. If you feel you should give him benefit of doubt by all means, I'm just saying the gut feeling isn't always lingering craziness from being burnt. Edited October 21, 2016 by Cookiesandough
Author Ilovelifeforwhatcome Posted October 21, 2016 Author Posted October 21, 2016 Texts don't make a relationship, but communication does. If you need more from him you need to tell him and he should put in the effort if he's serious about pursuing you. I get some people aren't big textersd, but to me there's no excuse for someone mutually into you to leave you wondering, guessing about their intentions...they should be trying to quell those concerns!! You shouldn't have to be digging up details to remind yourself he's really into you.. Guy I was seeing LD and felt uneasy about after my bad relationship 1. sent me unprompted "good morning, beautiful" /goodnight/gorgeous messages . I thought it was significant , but it's pretty minimal effort 2. (At least claimed he) canceled plans to see me(again means little to nothing if even true, esp since the lengths guys will go at the prospect of sleeping witha new girl they've been pursuing) 3. Told me he's not talking to/seeing anyone else Sex is out of the picture as of this moment. He has actually done all of the 3 above and we talk about having a relationship. Idk if this is significant or not, but he has told all of his friends about me and even made us his pro pic on social media. We talk about doing things in the future. We have also talked about how we have burned and we are taking things slow. This may be jaded, but I don't give the benefit of the doubt, I let their actions speak and I no longer give excuses.
Miss Spider Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 (edited) I understand. Book here That's what I did too..no sex.. and he agreed we'd wait. but I bet he will attempt and be disappointed if doesn't happen. Make sure you don't cave if or compromise your values in order to keep him interested if that's something you could see yourself do. The thing with LDRis it takes so much work and trust from both parties right off the bat for it to work. I met mine online. My opinion is the LDR are a lot simpler for guys to compartmentalize, since you aren't there. by there I mean can be there within minutes or can run into him. It makes it easier to out of sight out of mind, shoot sweet talk/gestures to keep it locked, but not get too attached. Being far away and 'online' it's almost like it's a different thing than a real relationship. It's easier for their mind to wander and harder to keep a genuine 'spark' long term. I think most men intuitively know this, but if the like LD online girl, they still put in some manner of effort to keep her hooked, but most will eventually lose interest when they find someone closer they like and can actually be with them physically(not just sex) the Take it slow, let's not jump into a relationship but it might happen allows them to exercise this guilt free because they haven't formally agreed to anything. And Why not, though, especially if she comes to him?(Mine offered to come to me but I insisted on going to him) That may be jaded,but it's not baseless. My own experiences and researching because I did want it to work. I liked him so much. I would have worked for it if I knew he was just as in it, but deep down I knew he wasn't as in it as me, despite some things he did that made me want to believe it. I'm convinced now that majority LDR fall out except in the cases of already having a sturdy foundation(think relationships that start out normally but parties had to move) and it being temporary(meaning you guys have explicit plans to move near each other in the foreseeable future) mine would make allusions to how he likes his hometown and there are plenty of jobs in my field in his town. This doesn't count to me. (Nor do the future plans for dates, vacations, saying he showed me to his sister. I'm all about action these days too) LD for a long time, if you don't have that base, unless the person has no other options or believes your star crossed lovers (in which case he would be coming on STRONG 100%)is just not practical sturdy relationship. Healthy relationship start by seeing each other in person and spending time doing activities together. Boring activities like laundry or trips to grocery store. Spontaneous activities like coming over at night to cuddle and watch tv or meet up for quick lunch. They should move at a standard pace conducive to growing together and learning about each other more organically. .which I'm sorry I just don't believe pics, text, Skype. Etc is a replacement for really being with someone esp for men. It helps for sure. But there's a loneliness to it...when you do meet ( i met my guy 1x per week but skipped some weeks) there's so much pressure for everything to go "right" because you have this set time only to spend. It's also necessary to spend way more time together than you actually would meeting someone new..So you almost have to rush what most couples do several days a week for a couple weeks into one day ...not practical and to try takes fun out of it and feels forced. Anyway, that's just my take on OL initiated LDR and why I'll never do it again. It hurts cuz I did like him, but from now on nearby guys only. I think if you did, you'd feel more secure and find someone who showed more dedication and predictablilty. But you want HIM. I hope yours doesn't end like mine. I truly wish you the best and hope you can overcome any obstacles and he's in it just as much and you guys can make it! Good luck to you both! Edited October 21, 2016 by Cookiesandough
Author Ilovelifeforwhatcome Posted October 21, 2016 Author Posted October 21, 2016 I understand. Book here That's what I did too..no sex.. and he agreed we'd wait. but I bet he will attempt and be disappointed if doesn't happen. Make sure you don't cave if or compromise your values in order to keep him interested if that's something you could see yourself do. The thing with LDRis it takes so much work and trust from both parties right off the bat for it to work. I met mine online. My opinion is the LDR are a lot simpler for guys to compartmentalize, since you aren't there. by there I mean can be there within minutes or can run into him. It makes it easier to out of sight out of mind, shoot sweet talk/gestures to keep it locked, but not get too attached. Being far away and 'online' it's almost like it's a different thing than a real relationship. It's easier for their mind to wander and harder to keep a genuine 'spark' long term. I think most men intuitively know this, but if the like LD online girl, they still put in some manner of effort to keep her hooked, but most will eventually lose interest when they find someone closer they like and can actually be with them physically(not just sex) the Take it slow, let's not jump into a relationship but it might happen allows them to exercise this guilt free because they haven't formally agreed to anything. And Why not, though, especially if she comes to him?(Mine offered to come to me but I insisted on going to him) That may be jaded,but it's not baseless. My own experiences and researching because I did want it to work. I liked him so much. I would have worked for it if I knew he was just as in it, but deep down I knew he wasn't as in it as me, despite some things he did that made me want to believe it. I'm convinced now that majority LDR fall out except in the cases of already having a sturdy foundation(think relationships that start out normally but parties had to move) and it being temporary(meaning you guys have explicit plans to move near each other in the foreseeable future) mine would make allusions to how he likes his hometown and there are plenty of jobs in my field in his town. This doesn't count to me. (Nor do the future plans for dates, vacations, saying he showed me to his sister. I'm all about action these days too) LD for a long time, if you don't have that base, unless the person has no other options or believes your star crossed lovers (in which case he would be coming on STRONG 100%)is just not practical sturdy relationship. Healthy relationship start by seeing each other in person and spending time doing activities together. Boring activities like laundry or trips to grocery store. Spontaneous activities like coming over at night to cuddle and watch tv or meet up for quick lunch. They should move at a standard pace conducive to growing together and learning about each other more organically. .which I'm sorry I just don't believe pics, text, Skype. Etc is a replacement for really being with someone esp for men. It helps for sure. But there's a loneliness to it...when you do meet ( i met my guy 1x per week but skipped some weeks) there's so much pressure for everything to go "right" because you have this set time only to spend. It's also necessary to spend way more time together than you actually would meeting someone new..So you almost have to rush what most couples do several days a week for a couple weeks into one day ...not practical and to try takes fun out of it and feels forced. Anyway, that's just my take on OL initiated LDR and why I'll never do it again. It hurts cuz I did like him, but from now on nearby guys only. I think if you did, you'd feel more secure and find someone who showed more dedication and predictablilty. But you want HIM. I hope yours doesn't end like mine. I truly wish you the best and hope you can overcome any obstacles and he's in it just as much and you guys can make it! Good luck to you both! Thank you! I def want to try it out w/this guy. I know that you can see someone everyday, but still not feel like a priority and in the 1st relationship I wasn't. I am actually wary because I dated another guy, it started in the same city, then he had to move back home. He was the one that wanted an LDR. Everything started going downhill, rarely texted, never initiated, always cut our vid calls short etc. I tried to talk to him about it and he brushed it off. This continued for a week or 2 and I cracked and pressured him for the truth. Come to find out he was "confused" about us and I was demoted to being a friend. I haven''t heard from him in months. This was a good learning lesson for me, so I am extra cautious when it comes to other guys.
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