Turmoil over recent events in last two years

[Blackened Heart]

Hello LS members,

 

I've browsed these forums from time to time, reading other people's stories and found it a great source. I have had a lot happen in the last two years and I'm worried on how it is impacting me....

 

About 2 years ago my marriage of 6 years had come to an end. It was a mutual agreement as we had drifted apart and were no longer happy. The divorce in itself was very peaceful, we have a son together who was four at the time and came to an agreement of equal custody. It was sad and hard, no denying that in the ending of a marriage, but was the right thing to do, for both of us.

 

During the divorce process, I met a woman online over chat, where we each talked about our issues. After a few months we met and it felt great. However, she lived quite a distance away, about 3 or so hours of a drive, and I could only see her about twice a month, given our work schedule. It was difficult when apart, but when we got together was amazing, and I fell hard for her.

 

Unfortunately about 4 months in, she started developing health issues, which resulted to be cancer. It became to be too much for her, both her health and our limited time, and she ended things between us. It hit me really hard, because I had just completed making arrangements with my job to work remotely and move closer to her. But it was too late. I kept in contact for months, checking on her condition and hoping things would change, but of course they didn't. It lead me to getting frustrated, not being able to understand why she would rather be alone than with someone who would be there with her and things ended badly over text.

 

Some time pass and I went to a different site, for support with mental and emotional issues. And I can't even believe it as I am typing it now, but the same thing happened. I met another woman, and we started chatting together. This time around I was more careful with my own heart, but I could tell almost right away she was very attracted to me, for whatever reason it might have been. It was like she had fallen head over heels for me, and I had never experienced that. And I'll admit I really liked it.

 

Now girl #2, she lived in another country, about a three and half hour flight. I flew in to see her for a weekend, and there were sparks, but I still kept my feelings at a bit of a distance. Her I could see her falling hard. When I had to leave to go back, she was very sad and crying, as was I, as it was a bit hard. I couldn't stand being away so I flew in again the very next weekend. And as we chatted and got to know each other more and more, I did start getting closer to her.

 

I had flown in to see her four times where she lives in the span of 3 months, and did a 10 day vacation with her in two different countries, staying at an off the grid yoga retreat for 7 days, and 3 days in another country. That is probably when I really did fall hard for her.

 

But she had insecurity issues, really major ones. And whenever we would have any kind of disagreement, she would break into tears. During the 10 day trip, we had only two disagreements, one over her picking an ice cream without asking (I had jokingly said why I don't get a choice, she got upset and lead to her in tear) and the other when I didn't pay attention to a text she was showing as I was watching TV, again tears. Other than those two incidents, everything was great, but I could tell in some ways she was a bit unstable.

 

The time apart was really hard, and after the 10 day vacation, I had to renew my passport, which meant waiting 6 weeks. Our chats became less frequent and she was struggling, not only with the separation but also with herself, not knowing if she wanted to stay where she was (she own a resort down in her country). I brought up going down again in November, and she told me for now it might be better I stay where I was, as it was too hard for her to see me go each time, and neither of us were making a move to be together. I was a bit upset and told her that I couldn't be in contact with her, because I had already gone through that before (girl #1) and cut contact from our chat.

 

Before the contact was cut, I had order a particular food from the country we stayed in for 7 days, that was only available in the area and she really loved, with the intentions of taking it to her. I didn't care for it and had gotten it for her, so I sent it to her, with a letter explaining why it was being sent. The tracking information said the receiver did not accept the package, however this was an error on the shipping company, it had actually just was not able to be delivered through customs. I broke no contact and told her that the package was from me, what it was and why I was sending it, and she couldn't believe I had gone through the trouble of doing that. And so we started talking again, but things were really hard.

 

She seemed to be getting a bit better little by little, but a week ago, she broke down really hard again and I could tell from how she was chatting with me. I wanted to go to see her one more time, even if it meant potentially the last, and made arrangements to. I asked to call her, but she said she didn't want to talk on the phone, that she wasn't ready and was nervous. I didn't want to say it over text, as it can be hard to read intent over text. But she would not talk on the phone, so I told her I had plans to come down and see her again.

 

Immediately as expected she told me not to, that she wouldn't be able to handle it, but I had my mind set to not budge on this, even if it would be the last time to see her. After saying several times not to and seeing that I wasn't taking the no, she started going into the hard truth of her real state. She had been drinking heavily, started using drugs (she was a drug user before about 10 years ago and had quit and gotten her life together), and was also smoking, something she had never done and knew was a deal breaker for me. I told her that only makes me want to come down more to knock sense into her, why she would be ruining her life like that.

 

Then she followed that she had been seeing a few people after we stopped talking, saying she thought it was completely over. She begged me to stop and not make her send a picture, but at that moment I didn't care, and told her to do what she had to do. She sent me a picture of her sitting next to another guy, but there is no way to tell if there was anything happening or not. She then uttered that it wasn't suppose to be like this.....

 

She then threaten that she would report me, to not come, that she was now scared and wanted to be left alone. And all I could think at that very moment, she now thinks I'm obsessive over her, going stalk her and be going against everything. Why I hate text, as over phone you can hear the tone of the other and how they really feel.

 

I told her it's not obsession, that my intent isn't to force her to be with me, literally it just all went to s***. I assured her several times that I wouldn't go down there, as I never meant for her to feel like that, but that I was hurt she felt the need to hide these things. The being with other guys, I don't really care, we weren't "exclusive", though we told each other when together we were not seeing each other. It was her going back to drugs and such, that's what upset me more so.

 

I'm upset over the situation, not just for what happen but for allowing myself to get wrapped up again, not maintaining no contact and leading to false hope. On that last day, she told me the moment we stopped talking, she let everything go and was trying to move on. But when I questioned her is why after we stopped talking, she would be telling me when she gets a bit better I could see her, stringing me along.....But I feel in part it was what happened last week when she had that major breakdown and things changed, where she probably started using again......

 

I now have two dilemmas that I am really struggling with. The first is I can feel the resentment and hatred building up inside of me, of both incidents, for allowing myself to open my heart up to these women and in turn be inflicted pain from it. It's making me almost disdain women in general, with the concept of a relationship and even trying. So many opportunities I've had for cheating, one night stands, and the like, and I've never done them. Or being able to easily get a woman and bed with her, I've always avoided that, finding much more value, or at least I thought, in having a mutual relationship.

 

The second dilemma though, and the much more serious one, concerns my son. In both instances, one of the biggest factor of me not being more available is in being in the care of my son, as a father should. With the second woman, we talked about me moving down there with her, but it was difficult thinking of leaving as I would be leaving my son to his mother and only seeing him a few times a year by flying back up, as there was no way I would be able to take him with me.

 

As awful as it sounds, I'm starting to regret having my son. A big struggle in my previous marriage was with our son and the stress from raising a child, and now I can't help my mind thinking that if I didn't have a son, if I wasn't being responsible and doing what a good father should do, that things would be different, opportunities and chance I could take without having to worry about the care of another would have been possible.

 

Girl #2 lived in a third world country, and I seriously considered just leaving everything and moving with her, but I just couldn't with my son in the picture. I love him to death and do everything I can when with him, helping with his homework, taking him to soccer and art class, trampoline parks, reading him stories and spending all my free time when I have him with him, but I can't help feeling how I feel. That I am sacrificing so much for his sake, the resentment is growing of having had a child.

 

And I understand it is not his fault, it was not his decision to be in this world, that was my ex wife and my choice. But I can't deny the thoughts of how different things would be. Even in my career choice, I originally had plans to go to medical school, become a physician and join the MSF, to travel to third world countries and help people in dire need. But when we had our child, and with concerns from my ex wife, I changed to a different career that paid really well and was obtainable easily, well not quite so easily but once the career started, it was a good career that paid really well. But those thoughts of a different life still haunt me.....

 

I'm not really sure what I am looking for, I may just be wanting to vent, but I know these thoughts and feelings are not good at all, but they are there. I fear that I may become resentful, full of hate and stop caring, and deep down I should want to avoid that, but not caring or wanting not to care and do whatever the hell I want is so appealing at this moment....

 

I've already set up two appointments with a therapist I had gone to seen when my divorce occurred and the first break up of girl #1, in hopes of, well honestly I don't know what. And luckily I don't have my son with me, and won't until after the first therapy session next week. But that appointment isn't until next Tuesday, and I'm just looking for anything to distract me and not do something to cause further damage.......

 

I'm not sure what else to say right now.....

[bummer]

boy oh, regret and resentment are the depressive fingers of the past, just poking your ribs every minute reminding you of your choices.

 

based on your descriptions, you fell for two not-so-available kinda-damaged type of girls in a row. You identify some white-knight syndrome too.

 

Grieve the grief and be a good daddy. When you magically find someone who falls for you instantly along your journey, kindly refuse them until YOU are really ready?

[Gloria25]

Ummm, I find it odd to put so much energy in these women over your own child.

 

Hopefully the therapist can get to the bottom as to why you're doing what you're doing in the meantime.

 

Life is a lot about "acceptance", IMO. That means we have to atop fighting and accept "what is".

 

Your son needs you, he is here and you can't change that. Hopefully if you look at him with a prospective other than "resentment", and that of him "needing" you (like the two women), you can quench your thirst for wanting to care for others.

 

Perspective is also important. Things could be worst. You could have three kids and/or a kid with special needs - which would leave you with no time to even brush your teeth.

 

Lastly, why not take a more lax approach to dating. Me, if I were to get involved with a guy with a child, I'd be cool with being the 'hamburgers and movies on the weekend girl', cuz I understand that the child comes first. I'm sure that there are some women out there who are ok with light dating...until your son is 18 and able to go and do his thing and just see you on Sundays...

 

Also, what need from dating are you trying to fill? If it's company, you can go out and pick up a hobby, churches, meet-ups, do cool things with your son (ie coach his soccer team). If it's sex, well, masturbating isn't the same as human touch, but is a decent substitute. Our lives are fuller and have meaning when we are engaging others, doing things...again, you can get everything a gf could provide you (well, except for sex) if you change your perspective, attitude, view and get busy.

 

And, don't feel like this is the end of the world. Kids grow up so fast and people still date waaay into 50s, 60s. Cherish the moments with your son cuz time flies and you'll have 'your time'. Just was talking with Mum about niece. How last year she was this tiny red thing and now is talking, walking, and has hair and all that...

 

Hopefully things will get better.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry things didn't work out with these women but one at least clearly had a lot of problems. She was also pushing you away and you didn't want to accept that. I can understand it hurts but it will help you if you spot the signs early that someone is not interested or losing interest. There will be women who are attracted to you and who stay that way. You are much better waiting for that woman to come along than trying to make something happen when it is failing.

 

It sounds like you become very involved before you have had real chance to get to know a woman and to find out if you are in fact suited to each other. Maybe you need to take a step back and be more objective before you throw yourself into an emotional relationship.

 

I suspect - though you would know if this rings true at all - that you are more interested in the women who are more emotionally dramatic - who have problems, who keep changing their minds, women who are not clear about what they want. You may find women who are attracted to you but emotionally stable, less interesting. That is something to think about because the women with more problems are more likely to cause you grief.

 

Seeing a counsellor would be a good idea. You have a lot of grief, frustration and anger, and it is never helpful to bring this to a new relationship. A counsellor will be able to work through that with you.

 

Really, your son is not the problem. The problem is you are choosing women many miles from home rather than any nearby that you could build a life with. You seem to be chasing rainbows and then being disappointed when it doesn't work out. Perhaps you need to find out why you are setting yourself up for unhappiness like this.

Edited October 21, 2016 by spiderowl

[Blackened Heart]

Thanks for the comments on this.

 

Agreed that in no way is my son an issue on this and what I am trying to avoid festering inside of me.

 

Well things got cleared out with girl #2. We spoke two days ago, and she cleared up that she had said anything she could to make me not come. In a sense I was relieved that she had not gone back to drugs. We both apologized for what happened and what was said, and things came to an end on good terms. It certainly made me feel a lot better than I did before.

 

I still have my appointments set to see my therapist, as I can feel my emotions swinging too much. I also came to the realization that for some time it would be good for me to just stay single for a while, as I realized I've essentially been going from one relationship to another. I have to remind myself as I notice getting "noticed" out in public settings, and I have to tell myself to not pursue it.

 

It's funny, these other two women that I connected with, I never had any intentions of starting a relationship at the times. It just happened, and probably due to being in a vulnerable state, on both sides perhaps.

[kvolm2016]

Seems like you have gained some insight and that's always a good thing! Glad to see that you already have a therapist in place to help you in continuing to gain insight. Have you talked with the therapist about your feelings about your son or have you just been working through the feelings about these past relationships?

[Blackened Heart]

I haven't seen the therapist yet haha, I am set to see him tomorrow and that's what I plan on discuss, both with regards to the relationship and how it's making me feeling with regards to my son. I'm still having really hard moments over everything, from swings of deep hurt, to anger, and just not caring, but I think this can be typical when you are hurting.

[basil67]

You were considering leaving your son to be with a woman who cries over an ice cream decision? Mate, what were you thinking?!

[kvolm2016]

I'm still having really hard moments over everything, from swings of deep hurt, to anger, and just not caring, but I think this can be typical when you are hurting.

 

Everything you are feeling is absolutely typical. Ho did you feel about the first meeting with the therapist?