Reconciliation Indeed- I told his wife and he still comes back

[MidnightBlue1980]

Burnt, thank you, yes I understand, woman to woman. I see your point. But don't you think telling her would just be out of more selfishness on my part? It would seem like he didn't leave her for me afterall and he says that he can't. There has been no future faking this second time around, he still says that he can't leave his marriage but maintains that he loves me and doesn't know how to let "us" go. If I tell his wife again, wouldn't it just be because I am still bitter about him not leaving her afterall and I am seeking to hurt her further?

 

 

I have hurt people enough, I have hurt myself, my ex husband, another family, kids. All I can see is that by telling her again, I am just seeking to hurt her further. I am not a psycho bunny boiler, I made a mistake by having an affair but I am not a stalker crazy chick. That woman didn't do anything to me, doesn't know me from Adam, yet I latched on to her husband like a tick. I have untangled myself, finally. Doesn't she deserve to be left alone in peace?.

 

I agree with you, just walk away. My xmm was also in false reconciliation - tbh, the day I put a tracker on my husband's phone is the day I file for divorce, who wants a husband as a prisoner - and now xmm is contacting another woman, I have seen the emails. I am personally removing myself from the entire situation, literally leaving the organization. I thought about telling the BS but she took him back and bought his lies, it is her marriage, she wanted him, she got him.

 

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

[dreamingoftigers]

If I show her even 0.0001% of the "evidence" that I have, it would kill her. I mean, what do I tell her and what do I leave out to spare her the pain? That I held her kids or that I had sex countless times in the car that she drives around everyday? That, on the night of their wedding anniversary when they were both at dinner, he was texting me the whole time? Or that he came back a day early from one of his work trips so that we could spend the day together, while she thought he was still on his trip?

 

 

I am a massively horrible person for getting involved with him in the name of love. I wasn't not remotely over him when I blew things up, I thought we were really soulmates. So you can imagine my feelings when he came back the second time. I thought, foolishly now, that if I can do something like that to him and he can forgive me for it, then he must really love me. The power of the human mind to convince itself of just what it wants to believe is amazing and at the end of the it all, I am human.

 

 

I am just trying to be a better human by leaving him, his wife alone and just putting this whole sordid mess behind me.

 

I am going to tell you something.

 

You WS and APs seem to think that hiding information and details is a way to "protect everyone from hurt feelings."

 

Let me tell you my story.

 

I caught my husband trying to arrange hookups when I was pregnant. He told me over and over and over that nothing happened.

 

It has been ABSOLUTE HELL EVER SINCE.

 

ABSOLUTE HELL.

 

I knew something was up, I could practically smell it.

 

I tried so many times to reconcile with him. I felt sick to my stomach. I would get headaches, have crying jags etc.

I would spiral down into depression. He minimized everything, acted like I was crazy. Lie after lie after lie after lie. I had RECURRING NIGHTMARES about him being with another woman.

 

This went on for EIGHT YEARS.

 

Turns out, last week, he finally admits, he fcked a prostitute when I was pregnant. He never got checked for STDs and continued to sleep with me, unprotected, while I was pregnant.

 

This week is the first week I am NO LONGER devastated, my sick stomach is gone, so is my headache.

 

I realize I've at best half-lived the last eight years.

 

It has affected every single relationship in my life. Including with my child.

 

You think you are doing her a FAVOR?

 

NO. You aren't.

 

You helped murdered her marriage. And now you want to bury the evidence. And you are leaving her with that ignoramus of a husband to gaslight her.

 

The stench is ALL AROUND her. It's in the car for chrissakes. It is much more traumatic NOT KNOWING what it all touched than KNOWING and being able to deal with it.

 

She's going to wonder just HOW MUCH of her life is a lie, and NO ONE is there to tell her the truth.

 

Just look at what HE'S ALREADY DOING.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Dreaming of tigers - your story is a terrible one and I feel for you. I have seen your posts. But do you really think it is a 3rd person's responsibility to tell the BS of what their WS is doing? I will tell you my husband felt he MUST tell xmm's BS and nothing changed. She monitored him for a while but as soon as she felt secure, he was back to his old tricks, only he's moved on to someone else as I made it clear I wanted more than an affair. Is it my responsibility to tell this woman? Maybe she doesn't care or maybe she wants to live the lie. Who am I to destroy that?

 

You are still with your husband. Would it really matter if you found out more information? By telling the BS, we only get deeper involved in another person's life. At a certain point we accept we weren't wanted and we want to move on.

[burnt]

It is much more traumatic NOT KNOWING what it all touched than KNOWING and being able to deal with it.

 

She's going to wonder just HOW MUCH of her life is a lie, and NO ONE is there to tell her the truth.

 

^^This. Well said.

[anika99]

Wow, talk about playing God.

 

"I shall carry on a years long relationship with another woman's husband in secret. I shall invade her life in every way possible including playing with her children, learning all the intimate details of her life including her own parents and having sex in her car. I shall do this because it makes me feel good and helps me cope with my own personal and marital problems"

 

"Now the affair is not suiting my needs so I shall tell the BS about the infidelity. Blow up her life and possibly destroy her family and I shall do this because it is what works for me and helps me get on with my life"

 

"Now I'm dealing with a divorce and learning to navigate a new life. I shall now infiltrate the BS's life and marriage again because talking to her husband makes me feel good. Only this time I shant tell her anything because I have deemed her to fragile and mentally unstable to handle the truth of her life. I have decided in my all knowing wisdom that it is best for to carry on in her lie of a marriage"

 

i get why the OW doesn't want to tell the BW but in this situation that ship sailed long ago. When the OW considers telling I think you either need to commit 100% to the truth or commit 100% to the lie. You are trying to have it both ways and as a result you are jerking her around and playing with her life in the worst way. Of course her husband is even worse and mostly to blame but you're the one who let the cat out of the bag in the first place so please be kind and finish what you started.

 

Tell her again. Tell her out of compassion and empathy. Saying "won't it look like I'm just selfish and bitter" sounds like you are only concerned with your image. Does the BS understand English? If so just tell her that you didn't tell her everything before because you were caught up in the lies and delusions but you're ready to really tell the truth now. She may come away from it believing that you are selfish and bitter but that is not your problem. You can't control what other people think (well sometimes you can but that's called being manipulative and controlling, which is how you and your MM have treated the BS thus far) all you can do is give people the truth and let people make of it what they will.

[JewelD]

You are being quite condescending to feel you have the right to determine what the wife can/cannot handle. 0.0001% of the details would kill her? Wtf were yall doing, sacrificing baby goats and rolling around in her grandmother's ashes after sex?

 

Once you tell someone you're banging their husband, I imagine every horrific possibility flashes before a woman's eyes and lingers for a loooonnggg time. and the warning to BS at the end, come on. It's almost like you think you've one-upped his wife by having her husband call you after reconciliation. But what's going on with you that after you basically **** all over your own marriage and got divorced that MM knows he can contact you and still get a response??

 

I'm sure his wife knows better than to trust him completely. If she does, she's playing dumb and will figure it out eventually. Stop talking to him and leave his wife alone. You were too chicken to tell her the whole truth the first time, if you tried to trickle truth her again she might clobber you just for being an irritant.

[Rorocher]

Anika99, BS is not a dud here, she is not weak, at least from all he's told me about her and what I could garner from the few times that I talked to her, she is not a mousy woman who would take **** lying down. She is a well educated capable American woman, she speaks and understands English very well.

 

 

 

So why is it my place to give her all the "truth" she needs to make an informed decision about her marriage? She had enough truth in the first instance and she chose to stay with him. She knew that her husband and I traveled together multiple times. She knew that our affair lasted for 2 years. That's damaging information. She knew that we were in love with each other, that's damaging information. Like someone else mentioned, the day I have to put a GPS tracker on my husband's phone is the day I file for divorce. Reconciliation is not putting someone on a leash.

 

 

 

 

Anyone ever think that she knows exactly who he is and she's just choosing to stay because it suits her needs? Kids, stability, whatever? Or that perhaps she doesn't love him enough to care what he does outside anyway, just as long as he comes home.?

 

 

 

Yes I was wrong, yes I did wrong but I finally saw the light and removed myself from the situation. I am having a hard time seeing just what the motivation would be in telling her again. Perhaps she already knows and just doesn't care. I am not victim blaming here but to be honest, the intensity of our relationship the first time around was mind boggling how it went undetected by our spouses for so long. In my case, my husband had already checked out of our marriage too and just didn't care. I don't know what her excuse is, perhaps she is checked out too and is just staying with him for appearances sake?

[Onlywhenitrains]

Your story is sad, and I feel for you!

 

Consider this...you opened the door of telling her the truth, regardless of your emotions of being livid with the whole situation was at the time you told her etc.... You told the truth to her? Why? Why did you do it? You might not know the answers now, but you did it and for your own sake you should ask yourself and find out why!

 

But, then again you backed out and didn't follow through, and talked to her when she asked? Why?

 

Consistency of actions is what this is all about.

 

If you really want to get a clean slate with your life, and live it authentically going forward...you have to find what true motivations of your actions were, and be honest with yourself about it?

 

Yes, I know you want to move on with your life. I understand and respect that. As you move on, what is it that you are leaving behind?

 

A lot of questions come up when one read your story...only you can answer them.

 

If your choice is to walk away, I hope you find peace. If your choice is to go back, tell her, and answer all her questions truthfully and completely, I hope you find peace.

 

All the best to you!

[BTDT2012]

OP,I believe you don't want to tell her because you don't want that door permanently closed.

[mikeylo]

You are an equal participant.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

 

Isn't it just enough to tell him to leave me alone and walk away from the whole thing? Maybe he would come to his senses and devote himself 100% to her now that I have told him that I no longer want to participate in the whole mess. And then the false reconciliation can become a real reconciliation. Doesn't their marriage deserve that chance?

 

Their marriage HAD the chance, and HE stabbed her in the back YET AGAIN.

 

I have never heard of "false reconciliation" turn into real reconciliation without HONESTY.

 

He isn't being honest, he's stabbing her in the back, and trying to re-engage you. All you would be doing is telling her where he lodged the knife so she has a chance to get some professional help to deal with it. (I.e. a lawyer or counselor.)

 

A guy who had no issue fcking you in the family car isn't going to turn into "Mr. Integrity" just because his favorite OW left the scene.

[dreamingoftigers]

Burnt, thank you, yes I understand, woman to woman. I see your point. But don't you think telling her would just be out of more selfishness on my part? It would seem like he didn't leave her for me afterall and he says that he can't. There has been no future faking this second time around, he still says that he can't leave his marriage but maintains that he loves me and doesn't know how to let "us" go. If I tell his wife again, wouldn't it just be because I am still bitter about him not leaving her afterall and I am seeking to hurt her further?

 

 

I have hurt people enough, I have hurt myself, my ex husband, another family, kids. All I can see is that by telling her again, I am just seeking to hurt her further. I am not a psycho bunny boiler, I made a mistake by having an affair but I am not a stalker crazy chick. That woman didn't do anything to me, doesn't know me from Adam, yet I latched on to her husband like a tick. I have untangled myself, finally. Doesn't she deserve to be left alone in peace?.

 

False reconciliation is anything but peaceful.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dreaming of tigers - your story is a terrible one and I feel for you. I have seen your posts. But do you really think it is a 3rd person's responsibility to tell the BS of what their WS is doing? I will tell you my husband felt he MUST tell xmm's BS and nothing changed. She monitored him for a while but as soon as she felt secure, he was back to his old tricks, only he's moved on to someone else as I made it clear I wanted more than an affair. Is it my responsibility to tell this woman? Maybe she doesn't care or maybe she wants to live the lie. Who am I to destroy that?

 

You are still with your husband. Would it really matter if you found out more information? By telling the BS, we only get deeper involved in another person's life. At a certain point we accept we weren't wanted and we want to move on.

 

Yes. It would matter. It already has.

 

Look, you do whatever. I dont judge you.

 

Nor do i say it is your "responsibility."

 

BUT i do know from my experience that if someone informed me that ny husband fcked a prostitute eight years ago, when I was pregnant the first time, I KNOW I would have left THEN.

 

No question in my mind. None at all. I almost left back then and I deeply regret NOT leaving.

 

It gave me biblical grounds for divorce which is why I feel much freer now.

 

But NOW I have another small child and I just lost EIGHT YEARS to his continued lies.

 

Just because all of the ducks aren't in a row yet, and a WS is carrying on doesn't mean he got off Scot-free or nothing changed.

 

This has COMPLETELY CHANGED how I:

 

A) feel about him. I have NO ILLUSIONS

B) The relationship dynamic is completely different.

C) I have begun lawyer shopping.

D) my confidence has actually RETURNED (who would have thought)

E) my husband has volunteered for semi-annual polygraphs. Meh. Seriously? I need that now? Yikes.

 

Waiting for his honesty was insane. I wish some "crazy stalker psycho" OW called me about "her man" or whatever. Specifically so I could have sent him to her. But that never happened.

 

You know what was so weird. It didn't hurt to find out the truth ANYWHERE near what living the lie was like.

 

In fact, I made this clear to him. If I end up without the balls to end the marriage and I even suspect in the slightest that he's stepping out. I'm not threatening divorce, I'm just stepping outside the marriage. He knows I'm not kidding. And I don't give a fck.

[dreamingoftigers]

Anika99, BS is not a dud here, she is not weak, at least from all he's told me about her and what I could garner from the few times that I talked to her, she is not a mousy woman who would take **** lying down. She is a well educated capable American woman, she speaks and understands English very well.

 

 

 

So why is it my place to give her all the "truth" she needs to make an informed decision about her marriage? She had enough truth in the first instance and she chose to stay with him. She knew that her husband and I traveled together multiple times. She knew that our affair lasted for 2 years. That's damaging information. She knew that we were in love with each other, that's damaging information. Like someone else mentioned, the day I have to put a GPS tracker on my husband's phone is the day I file for divorce. Reconciliation is not putting someone on a leash.

 

 

 

 

Anyone ever think that she knows exactly who he is and she's just choosing to stay because it suits her needs? Kids, stability, whatever? Or that perhaps she doesn't love him enough to care what he does outside anyway, just as long as he comes home.?

 

 

 

Yes I was wrong, yes I did wrong but I finally saw the light and removed myself from the situation. I am having a hard time seeing just what the motivation would be in telling her again. Perhaps she already knows and just doesn't care. I am not victim blaming here but to be honest, the intensity of our relationship the first time around was mind boggling how it went undetected by our spouses for so long. In my case, my husband had already checked out of our marriage too and just didn't care. I don't know what her excuse is, perhaps she is checked out too and is just staying with him for appearances sake?

 

Why she staying with him or not isn't really a concern especially since he's using the crap out of her while having fun time with you.

 

So first it would kill her and open wounds and etc etc etc.

 

Now she's string and wouldn't take his crap?

 

I will say only this: maybe she would stay and maybe she wouldn't. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT INFORMATION she does or doesn't need to make that decision.

 

Many women in my position would have left long ago. I didn't.

 

Some women would have stayed with ALL of the information, including the hooker. I wouldn't have.

 

It's not enough to say "he cheated / she stayed."

 

Everyone has their deal-breaker. Perhaps hers is the family car or the details about her.

 

Perhaps it was future-faking with you.

 

One woman I know left because he fcked OW on her period and wouldn't dare touch the wife on hers.

 

What really gets me here, more then the rest of it was that the WIFE ASKED to meet you and for the truth.

 

Now I understand your reluctance. I wouldn't jump up and down with joy to do it either. BUT not doing so is quite withholding. IMHO.

 

I think the only time it is okay to withhold that is if the MM is a psycho or you have your own actual sanity to sorry about.

 

I TOTALLY GET that it isn't a fun topic and it takes balls to do.

 

Sometimes you see OW on here who say "it isn't my place to tell her." Most of us BS disagree.

 

It wasn't your place to fck our husbands. Who told us about it isn't the crux of the issue. Most of us would have rather heard from OW than not at all.

[dreamingoftigers]

I won't keep clogging your thread and banging on about it.

 

You get my points.

 

I also think it's great you are stopping the destruction of messing around with him.

 

I also don't think you owe him any apologies. He understood the risks when he got into this and gas come back for more.

 

I wish you the best.

[harrybrown]

Hope you gave your H a decent divorce.

 

How could you treat the father of your children this way?

 

Or how could you cheat on your child?

 

Keep your AP far away from your child.

 

So do you have any idea how much it hurts to be stabbed in the back by the lying and cheating? I would not be surprised if your AP had other affairs during your time with him.

 

Do get tested for stds.

 

go see affair recovery .com to see how to stop from cheating. And if your marriage is over, get a D first before lying and cheating on your family.

 

you do not realize it, but when you are in fantasy land, you do not have all your attention on your child.

 

Hope your H heals from the pain you put him thru. Did you give him custody of your child? I hope so.

[gettingstronger]

I know a couple that went through this. The wife had done the full disclosure method. Pretty much everyone in their world knew he was a cheater. It was a difficult position for him to be in, so he reached back to the person he knew wouldn't judge him- the XOW. He got caught again and now through therapy he's working on accepting so many know his bad deeds. It's one reason I'm not a huge fan of disclosing to everyone. Just adds an extra layer on top of an already difficult situation.

[ladydesigner]

Yes. It would matter. It already has.

 

Look, you do whatever. I dont judge you.

 

Nor do i say it is your "responsibility."

 

BUT i do know from my experience that if someone informed me that ny husband fcked a prostitute eight years ago, when I was pregnant the first time, I KNOW I would have left THEN.

 

No question in my mind. None at all. I almost left back then and I deeply regret NOT leaving.

 

It gave me biblical grounds for divorce which is why I feel much freer now.

 

But NOW I have another small child and I just lost EIGHT YEARS to his continued lies.

 

Just because all of the ducks aren't in a row yet, and a WS is carrying on doesn't mean he got off Scot-free or nothing changed.

 

This has COMPLETELY CHANGED how I:

 

A) feel about him. I have NO ILLUSIONS

B) The relationship dynamic is completely different.

C) I have begun lawyer shopping.

D) my confidence has actually RETURNED (who would have thought)

E) my husband has volunteered for semi-annual polygraphs. Meh. Seriously? I need that now? Yikes.

 

Waiting for his honesty was insane. I wish some "crazy stalker psycho" OW called me about "her man" or whatever. Specifically so I could have sent him to her. But that never happened.

 

You know what was so weird. It didn't hurt to find out the truth ANYWHERE near what living the lie was like.

 

In fact, I made this clear to him. If I end up without the balls to end the marriage and I even suspect in the slightest that he's stepping out. I'm not threatening divorce, I'm just stepping outside the marriage. He knows I'm not kidding. And I don't give a fck.

 

You and me both girl (((DOT)))

[ChickiePops]

Dreaming of tigers - your story is a terrible one and I feel for you. I have seen your posts. But do you really think it is a 3rd person's responsibility to tell the BS of what their WS is doing? I will tell you my husband felt he MUST tell xmm's BS and nothing changed. She monitored him for a while but as soon as she felt secure, he was back to his old tricks, only he's moved on to someone else as I made it clear I wanted more than an affair. Is it my responsibility to tell this woman? Maybe she doesn't care or maybe she wants to live the lie. Who am I to destroy that?

 

You are still with your husband. Would it really matter if you found out more information? By telling the BS, we only get deeper involved in another person's life. At a certain point we accept we weren't wanted and we want to move on.

 

Telling the truth is not what destroys a marriage, the affair is what destroys a marriage. If an OW truly cared about not hurting anyone or destroying the marriage, they wouldn't have gotten involved with the husband in the first place.

 

If you saw someone's house being broken into, would you just walk on by without calling the police? I mean..it's not your house..you don't owe the owners anything.

 

It's not about responsibility, it's about integrity.

[heartwhole]

This is a very sad story.

 

For reconciliation to work, both spouses must be committed not only to monogamy and transparency and staying together, but also to working on themselves to become healthier, happier people on their own. Any sort of double life, be it gambling or prostitutes or drugs or an affair, by default impacts a person's ability to be emotionally healthy.

 

I can't say if you should tell her. I don't think you are being honest with yourself about your motives and wishes at this point, so it's hard to say. I do think that for now, you should tell him that you WILL tell her if he continues to contact you, and you should delete or block whatever apps or means you have of communicating. If you are thinking of excuses as to why you shouldn't have to do that, then that in itself should tell you something.

 

I hope you can find a way to live authentically and to be a healthy person who has a healthy relationship, whether it's with your husband, the MM after he's divorced, or someone new. But right now you're not there, so any relationship you participate in will struggle IMO.