Should I tell her

[Confused112]

Hello. I would appreciate some advice. I'll try to keep it short.

 

I was married 16 years. Our relationship was over for the last few,(, she told me she didn't love me anymore)but I didn't want to accept because if my daughter. About 1 1/2 years ago I net a woman. I wasn't expecting it. Things happened and I fell in love with her. It was difficult for both if us and difficult to leave. This caused problems in the new relationship. We have fallen out several times. I don't think the new woman believed I loved her and I made mistakes but I believe we met fir a reason and she is ny soul mate.

 

I left my wife a year ago. I found it difficult being in my own. The new woman tried to be there but I couldn't give her much time. We ended up in a huge fight about 6 weeks ago and she told me never to speak to her again. She has tried to contact me a few times and I have ignored her. About a week ago she sent me a letter apologising for getting angry and asking to talk.

 

I really do love her she is everything I ever wanted if we had met in different circumstances things would have been different, but I don't think I'm in a place for a relationship. I have to be there for my daughter. I can't ask her to wait I don't know when I'll be ready. She asked me to tell her if it's iver. I don't want it to be but I think I will keep hurting g her. I'm afraid to tell her it is because I know it will hurt her. Should I tell her? Or should I ignore her? I don't know what's worse.

 

This is the short version there is much more. Please help

[40somethingGuy]

Hello. I would appreciate some advice. I'll try to keep it short.

 

I was married 16 years. Our relationship was over for the last few,(, she told me she didn't love me anymore)but I didn't want to accept because if my daughter. About 1 1/2 years ago I net a woman. I wasn't expecting it. Things happened and I fell in love with her. It was difficult for both if us and difficult to leave. This caused problems in the new relationship. We have fallen out several times. I don't think the new woman believed I loved her and I made mistakes but I believe we met fir a reason and she is ny soul mate.

 

I left my wife a year ago. I found it difficult being in my own. The new woman tried to be there but I couldn't give her much time. We ended up in a huge fight about 6 weeks ago and she told me never to speak to her again. She has tried to contact me a few times and I have ignored her. About a week ago she sent me a letter apologising for getting angry and asking to talk.

 

I really do love her she is everything I ever wanted if we had met in different circumstances things would have been different, but I don't think I'm in a place for a relationship. I have to be there for my daughter. I can't ask her to wait I don't know when I'll be ready. She asked me to tell her if it's iver. I don't want it to be but I think I will keep hurting g her. I'm afraid to tell her it is because I know it will hurt her. Should I tell her? Or should I ignore her? I don't know what's worse.

 

This is the short version there is much more. Please help

You are in love and will regret it. Make time for your lover and your daughter. You can't hurt her if you lay out the ground rules for what it would be like or have to be like if you stay together. Let her choose.

[aloneinaz]

It does sound like there's some strong compatiblity issues with this new woman. You're already getting over your marriage. Who wants to buy the same ground and stay with someone new that you're already fighting with at such an early stage in that relationship.

 

If your mind is made up to end it for good, tell her. I personally would do it on the phone and be as kind yet firm as possible. She knows there is compatibility issues too.

 

Older folks coming out of relationships/marriages are accustomed to being in relationships. In some cases, we get out of a bad marriage and jump into and stay in a bad relationship again because we don't want to be alone. There's a reason the national divorce rate for 1st marriages is 50% and for 2nd marriages, 65%!

 

Being alone again after a long marriage is a good thing. I did and it helped me grow, learn from my mistakes in my marriage (I married her, lol) and enjoy my own company again.

[Aloha808808]

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a tough situation, which ever decision you make it's going to be hard either way.

 

But honestly I think wanting to be there for your daughter is admirable and the right thing to do. Only you know whether you're ready to jump back into a relationship or not and as you've indicated that you don't think you are I think it's important you tell her the truth so she knows where you're coming from. Don't give her a sense of false hope, let her know that there's a good chance your relationship with her won't go any further, but ignoring her without giving a reason or explanation I think in the long run is going to hurt and damage her more then being honest with her.

 

I also think taking some time to work on yourself is a great thing and I wish more people were like you in this thinking. It doesn't matter how compatible you both are or how strong your feelings towards each other are, unless you're squared away yourself you're going to keep coming up against the same issues and challenges in a relationship with anyone. It sounds like you've been dealing with a lot over the last couple of years with divorce and your ex-wife saying she doesn't love you.... That can't be a pleasant experience for anyone.Take some time to invest into yourself. Love on yourself for a little while, recharge your batteries so t speak before trying to love someone else, after all you can't give away what you yourself don't have!

 

Hope this helps, best of luck with everything

[Vivir]

Confused112, not too long ago, I met someone who had so many of the qualities that I been looking for for so long BUT I was caught up on someone else emotionally.

 

I was unavailable.

 

I was thinking long term, but I was still being selfish in the present... because I personally cannot give what the other person deserves while being caught up on another person. Edsentially, I was attempting to get over someone else on this other person's time.

 

I did not disclose everything to the new person, at first. I thought I could handle it. I thought because I was not trying to be dubious that it would be ok... as the new potential relationship grew, I decided it would be best to disclose everything. He was very disappointed and broke things off with me. In the end, I hurt him. And I hurt myself because he was who I really wanted to be with.

 

I am writing this to express my opinion of your situation. If I could do it again, I would not disclose. I would have said in the beginning that I really like him but I was not currently available for a relationship. I needed to sort out my stuff on my own time, not his. If he were still available in the future, great... if not, well that would have been a risk I would have had to take. Like you.

 

Do not ignore your new lady. Be up front about how you're feeling. It may hurt you right now. It may hurt her right now, but being unavailable to her if you continue will hurt her MUCH WORSE in the long run. And because you hurt her, you will end up hurting yourself.