morrabby Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 (edited) Ok so I adore my boyfriend and want to be with him but I don't know how to fix this problem Our fights can get out of control. We're never nasty, name calling, hitting, or anything like that. But we do get extremely agitated and a fight will last for hhoouuurrsss and be constant talking/fighting. We start fighting about the fight, essentially. But I'm starting to realize that he places the blame on me for everything. I personally think many of our fights begin because I'm upset about something, so I tell him, and then he's upset about that. He turns everything back around on me! And then when I try to tell him he's doing that, he says "that's my feelings! So I can't express my feelings!?" And I'll say that he's blaming me, those aren't feelings and he'll say "that's how I feel!" I saw a quote that is spot on which was..."I get mad. Then he gets mad I'm mad. Then I apologize" He rarely takes responsibility for any wrong doing or takes any of the blame. For instance: our last fight was because I told him I was feeling anxious and paranoid and unloved that day. He had done nothing wrong, and I told him that...I just have anxiety and need extra love sometimes. I made it clear that he didnt do anything bad, I just needed a little extra love and support that day. Well that conversation turned into an all day fight about how I don't believe that he loves me and he's not the same as the guys in my past and then apparently I was being snappy and rude and he feels like blah blah blah. And then I get the "well I've done this and this and this and this and nothing works!" Every time I express feelings, the conversation turns into his feelings. And I swear I literally was so nice about my feelings. I acknowledged they were my fault and my problem but I just needed love..:and boom-fight. So I don't know if I'm doing something wrong. I don't know how to get this across to him without hearing "but I FEEL that way." He thinks if he says "feel", he's entitled to say whatever whenever. I don't know how to stop this fighting. But I need help!! Thank you Edited October 20, 2016 by morrabby
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 For instance: our last fight was because I told him I was feeling anxious and paranoid and unloved that day. He had done nothing wrong, and I told him that...I just have anxiety and need extra love sometimes. I made it clear that he didnt do anything bad, I just needed a little extra love and support that day. Your attitude would annoy me a great deal. How is your boyfriend suppose to know you needed extra attention and love on that day?? See, men are problem solvers. When you tell them you have a problem their instinct is to help us. By telling him you need his help TOO LATE it's frustrating to him that 1) you did not speak up 2) He could not help you 3) and he sees this as a blame on him for not guessing you needed more attention. So Stop thinking he should guess how you feel and stop thinking he should know exactly what you mean by extra love and attention. If you need a hug TELL HIM right there and then. If you need to sit down together and just be together TELL ME right there and then. 4
Author morrabby Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Thank you for your reply! The thing is though that I did tell him. I certainly have emotional issues, no doubt. But we've spoken about them and discussed what I need. We did the 5 love languages test to see what the other needs. I wasn't taking anything out on him and I told him I needed extra love Very clear. It wasn't in a rude or demanding way. The second I woke up that day, I explained how I was feeling and that I needed what we had talked about before.
Miss Peach Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 (edited) I would take a look at Evan Marc Katz's site. I can't post it here since he also sells stuff but his now wife (then GF) wrote an article on his blog called giving men mulligans. It's basically about letting the small stuff go. You may need to learn to do this. She also talks about how men should want to make you happy so approach things from that way of thinking if he's a good BF. I would also recommend reading one of Dr. Pat Allen's books. She discusses language to communicate things to men. Men are not mind readers so you need to tell them how to make them happy. Having said that. It does sound like your BF may be extra sensitive. If you are telling him things without blame, you're not sweating the small stuff, etc. it could just be he's over sensitive or insecure. My XBF was like that. Everything would be turned back to me. We would start fighting about the fight. I eventually broke it off because he just couldn't get how we was making me feel. Our fights were over the mostly stupid stuff that made him feel insecure. The fight that did us in was I sent him a text asking if he knew when he needed my help with something he asked me help on. Somehow in his head he twisted it to mean I was trying to get out of it. Something I pointed out that in our long history I had always done things to support him and had never cancelled anything I told him I would do. One of the most important things is the ability to communicate. Relationships should be effort but they should be easy. If you can't communicate effectively then you two are probably not going to be able to go the distance in a healthy manner. You both need to change your styles for this to work IMO. Edited October 20, 2016 by Miss Peach
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Thank you for your reply! The thing is though that I did tell him. I certainly have emotional issues, no doubt. But we've spoken about them and discussed what I need. We did the 5 love languages test to see what the other needs. I wasn't taking anything out on him and I told him I needed extra love Very clear. It wasn't in a rude or demanding way. The second I woke up that day, I explained how I was feeling and that I needed what we had talked about before. Did you tell him how you wanted that love to be expressed to you? If you tell a man 'give me more attention' he'll be lost. It's too general. Tell him exactly how you want that extra attention: 1) I want a long hug in the morning 2) I want to go on a date at least once a week 3) I want some quiet time together after dinner 4) I want hold hands when we go out
Author morrabby Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Thank you so much, Miss Peach. I'm looking at the site now. I'm certain that I'm also to blame. I know it takes two! I just don't want to keep getting all the blame. But I also need to pin down what I'm doing wrong and can do better. So thank you so much
Author morrabby Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 I thought that I had, Gaeta, but it very well may not have been clear enough. Thank you!
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Thank you so much, Miss Peach. I'm looking at the site now. I'm certain that I'm also to blame. I know it takes two! I just don't want to keep getting all the blame. But I also need to pin down what I'm doing wrong and can do better. So thank you so much Morrabby: People often think that communication is about talking. Having a good communication in a relationship is about listening. Do you listen to your boyfriend, I mean really listen to him? When he blames you for something instead of rejecting his accusation why not ask him to talk to you about it, about his feelings, why he feels you don't care about his feelings and listen. In you OP he tells you several times you don't consider his feelings...did you ever ask him to talk to you in details why he feels that way? Did you ask him what he needs from you to not feel his feelings are dismissed?
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Thank you for your reply! The thing is though that I did tell him. I certainly have emotional issues, no doubt. But we've spoken about them and discussed what I need. We did the 5 love languages test to see what the other needs. I wasn't taking anything out on him and I told him I needed extra love Very clear. It wasn't in a rude or demanding way. The second I woke up that day, I explained how I was feeling and that I needed what we had talked about before. When you express a concern or a need, you step back and observe whether the person makes an attempt to address that. If they don't, you know that they aren't interested in your needs or providing support. This man is simply emotionally selfish at least. This happens over and over again which means it's not changing or likely to get better. He is who he is. You can take all the tests you want, but the real test is what they actually do or don't do for you. But we've spoken about them and discussed what I need -- Just because you've talked about all that, doesn't mean he can or will do what you need. He's showing you he can't and won't do it for you. So, if this is something that you fundamentally need in a relationship, you need to make your exit. That being said, women can and should manage their emotions on their own more often than needing attention and special treatment from the man. Men don't like being a woman's emotional tampon. So, be sure to evaluate objectively, here. Are you, perhaps, over doing it/too often? You may need to work on and find some self-soothing skills to balance out how much you need from him.
Toodaloo Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 If he is doing everything he can to show he loves you in a way you understand I think he is just getting a bit narked because by the sounds of things you are making him responsible for the way you are feeling. So no matter what he does it will never be good enough. While I understand where you are coming from I also think you are being unfair to project this onto him and expect him to take responsibility for your moods... 2
Author morrabby Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Thank you guys so much for these replies. You've made me aware that perhaps I'm puttin too much on him and maybe didn't make it clear what I expected and ended up confusing him. I appreciate that! But that last fight was just one example I still have the problem that he won't ever take blame. This is in every single fight that we have. I feel like I take my part in taking responsibility for fighting, but he'll act like it's all on me and then pass it off as his "feelings". We'll end up discussing everything I did wrong every time. And then we'll end up discussing his feelings over mine. He can be rude and snappy and he wants things his way but he won't own up to anything. I understand I have my issues that contribute, but I feel like I apologize for them. He won't
Toodaloo Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Thank you guys so much for these replies. You've made me aware that perhaps I'm puttin too much on him and maybe didn't make it clear what I expected and ended up confusing him. I appreciate that! But that last fight was just one example I still have the problem that he won't ever take blame. This is in every single fight that we have. I feel like I take my part in taking responsibility for fighting, but he'll act like it's all on me and then pass it off as his "feelings". We'll end up discussing everything I did wrong every time. And then we'll end up discussing his feelings over mine. He can be rude and snappy and he wants things his way but he won't own up to anything. I understand I have my issues that contribute, but I feel like I apologize for them. He won't Just ditch him then. Clearly you want some validation to do so - so go ahead.
Author morrabby Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Just ditch him then. Clearly you want some validation to do so - so go ahead. Absolutely not. That's the last thing I want. I love him and think he's the best man. That being sad, I have this one issue that I would like advice on. I want to know how to communicate it to him and thought perhaps there are people who would relate or give me outside perspectives.
Toodaloo Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Absolutely not. That's the last thing I want. I love him and think he's the best man. That being sad, I have this one issue that I would like advice on. I want to know how to communicate it to him and thought perhaps there are people who would relate or give me outside perspectives. From where I am sat he has shut down because you have over loaded him and he is fed up with it. in my head I can picture his eye glazing over as you drone on about "us" and "feelings" and so on while he imagines driving a porsche along route 66 just to get a mental break from it. You want advice. See a professional about your issues and quit projecting them on to a guy who tries his best for you. Or Ditch him because all you are doing is complaining and nagging.
Author morrabby Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Just ditch him then. Clearly you want some validation to do so - so go ahead. From where I am sat he has shut down because you have over loaded him and he is fed up with it. in my head I can picture his eye glazing over as you drone on about "us" and "feelings" and so on while he imagines driving a porsche along route 66 just to get a mental break from it. You want advice. See a professional about your issues and quit projecting them on to a guy who tries his best for you. Or Ditch him because all you are doing is complaining and nagging. Ok well you're wrong. He's more emotional than me quite frankly. He'll even say that-that's not a put down at all. I do not nag about "us" and "feelings" That was an example of ONE fight and that was not what I was looking for advice on. Granted, I still appreciate the people who gave me hellful advice on that because they could see a problem. But thanks anyway
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Absolutely not. That's the last thing I want. I love him and think he's the best man. That being sad, I have this one issue that I would like advice on. I want to know how to communicate it to him and thought perhaps there are people who would relate or give me outside perspectives. I have this one issue -- There are two issues -- Your partner's ability and desire to meet your needs AND poor conflict resolution skills/styles. These are fundamental issues of compatibility and maturity in a relationship. Not annoyances like leaving the cap off the toothpaste. If he is willing to go to couples counseling, you might have a chance of improving the situation. Frankly, there is probably much more to this situation than can be addressed here. This is more tangled than you think. 1
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 (edited) If it is always all about him and he demeans your feelings and makes it all a about him, and always puts the blame on you and is never wrong, then those are narcissistic traits. I am not saying he is a narcissist, but perhaps you need to look into it. It?s All About Him! Edited October 20, 2016 by elaine567 typo
smackie9 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 You just need to communicate with him differently. Your approach now is taken as passive aggressive....that is why he gets so defensive. It may not be your intention, but that is his perception. Next time you are feeling you need extra love, smile at him, reach in for a hug and say "I could use a nice hug from you" or "your hugs give me such comfort". Try that and you will see the issues melt away. You need to show you appreciate him, not make demands that make him feel inadequate. 1
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 You need to show you appreciate him, not make demands that make him feel inadequate. The thing men need the most in a relationship is appreciation. I agree with you that OP fails at making her boyfriend feel appreciated. OP: There is too much I need this from you coming out of your mouth and not enough I love it so much when you... 2
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 When you have relationship problems you have to FIRST analyze your own actions and see if you are not the source of your own problems. When someone constantly needs to point out their feelings aren't been considered than maybe it's because they aren't ! How long have you been dating? If this is a man you want to plan a future with I agree with Redhead that you should head to couple counseling and learn to communicate.
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 There is a book called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. It talks about conflict resolution and power shifts/dynamics in relationships. You may see somethings there that apply to your situation. Read it. It's very eye opening.
darkmoon Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 (edited) mind you, you got mad first, in your OP you say that, not the best way to get extra love, say things just do not shout them, for that is power-mongering, and sht to live with Edited October 20, 2016 by darkmoon
Author morrabby Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Awww thank you guys! There is such great advice here and I appreciate you helping me look into my own actions as well. Thank you so much!!!
ChatroomHero Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 From a guy's standpoint I would feel like you were saying even though you know I wasn't doing anything wrong you feel like I wasn't giving you enough love. I mean what the heck do I do with that? It would be like if he said he knows you would never cheat on him but he feels like you are, can you please comfort him. That's quite a load to bear in a relationship, frustrating. I would tell you it's frustrating, then either there would be an argument or else I would want to get away to avoid the argument, both of which would be uncomfortable. I wouldn't be able to be all lovey dovey at that point because it would feel fake or forced just to make you feel better. That would be a tough one to deal with on an ongoing basis because I would always feel like no matter what I was doing, you'd could have some kind of problem. Being perfect wouldn't even be perfect. I think you need to look internally and not expect him to be able to understand completely irrational emotional states that you need support from him that he would not be able to predict.
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