TaylorM Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Hi everyone, I'm a mix of emotions right now so hopefully this post makes sense. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are very much in love and we live together in his house. Let me start by saying I have anxiety. So when small things happen, to me, they feel much bigger and spiral out of control in my brain. I can also be insecure due to this. I should also mention that about a year ago he had broken up with me for a week then we reconciled. Which adds to my anxiety, that he left. SO. He's been under a lot of stress lately with his job. His company is being bought out and he's unsure if that leaves him with a job or not. It's been a big waiting game and it's always on his mind. That being said, it's not an excuse for anything, but it has lead to him not being as attentive to me or being off in his own world and not always present, which is completely understandable. It's been hard, but I know it won't last forever and I'm trying to be sensitive to the situation and not make it about me. So this weekend he was invited to a barbecue at his friends. A friend whom I've never met. He had mentioned not knowing if he wanted to go or not. So last night he says to me "So do you think you'll come with me this weekend?" And I'm taken back a little because 1. I didn't know he was definitely going and 2. If he was, why wouldn't I? So the conversation continued and I got the impression that he was trying to talk me out of going. "Well you won't know anyone there" "So and so's girlfriend isn't going" etc. and in my mind, he should want me there with him and be excited to introduce me and show me off to his friends... the more I press, the more it comes out that he is weary about me coming because he said since I won't know anyone, he doesn't want to have to stay glued to my side the entire time... I explained he doesn't, but I don't want him to leave me by myself for an hour either. In my mind there is no reason for him to leave me at a party with people I don't know..?! He also went on to say that I can be shy and probably will feel uncomfortable and not speak to anyone much. So this turned into a fight. It left me feeling insecure about myself, like this is something he doesn't like about me and that I'm not good enough. Like he doesn't want me to come because I'm too shy and he doesn't want to have to deal with me. Shouldn't he be excited to bring me and introduce me to his guy friends?!?! It made me feel so awful. I got very upset. It turned into me telling him I need his reassurance in that moment. Sometimes, given my anxiety, I need reassurance when I'm feeling insecure about something. He was mad at this point and basically refused to give that to me. I told him that being who I am, I need a boyfriend who can give me reassurance when I need it and if he can't then this won't ever work. Long story short, he ended up saying sorry, telling me he loves me and snuggling me all night. But I'm still felt feeling bad. Should I have to ask someone repeatedly to reassure me? Or to make me feel good about myself when I'm feeling bad? Am I overreacting about the situation? I just don't want to push something if I'm the only one contributing or trying. I got so worked up at one point I threatened to leave. I know this was immature and I shouldn't use that, but he was going to let me go. And said he wouldn't keep anyone here who didn't want to be. Basically I'm just feeling like I'm not good enough and that he'd rather be with someone who isn't so shy. I love him so much but I don't want to be in a relationship where someone thinks I'm not good enough. Any input would be great. Even if it's telling me I'm crazy.
Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I know it's difficult, but you could have said in a mature way. I would like to come with you. If at this point he still said no unfortunately there is not much else to do. Sometimes though it hard for me because I admit I can get out of hand too. Is that letting the other person do what they want is what you need to do as a partner and if they make any errors or bad judgments along the way then that is their call. You can only control your actions, behaviour. Many times the partner will feel very reassured you let them do their own thing and return back to you in a more loving mood.
Toodaloo Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Sounds to me as though he was trying to be supportive of your anxiety. BBQ with no one you know could be hell for you... but he wants you to go with him... No you shouldn't have to ask someone to repeatedly reassure you but equally its not their responsibility its yours. He is trying to be supportive and thoughtful and you are turning it round into something else. Go see your doctor and get checked and see if there is anything else that can be done to help. Problem with anxiety is that you over think and see things that just are not there... But then you already know this. He can only do so much. You need to be your own comfort.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 A little background might be needed: How have previous social gatherings with his friends gone? Have there been issues in the past? Why did you two break up before?
stillafool Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I would have no problem letting him go alone. If it's going to be mostly him hanging out with his guy friends he will feel that he has to somewhat babysit you in order to not make you feel left out. I don't think I would want to hang out with him and his guy friends but would take the opportunity to call up my friends and do something.
introverted1 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I think your bf would like you to attend but doesn't want the added responsibility of having to deal with your social anxiety at what is meant to be a fun afternoon. Think about this from his perspective for a moment - he's been under a ton of stress and now has the opportunity for a light-hearted day away from that stress. He's no doubt weighing the pros and cons of bringing you and a large con seems to be that he'd be responsible for ensuring your comfort at the event. Can you go to the BBQ and be happy with whatever transpires -- can you mix and mingle with new people even if your bf is off talking to others? If so, tell him. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 It depends, is it mostly guys going to this BBQ? Are there going to be other couples there? Have you acted shyly and anti-social at other events he's taken you to and he's had to babysit you all night a bit? Did he actually say it's because you are too shy? On the other hand, if it's guys and girls getting together and his only hang-up is your introversion then he isn't accepting you for who you are and needs to get over that since couples attend things together all the time. If you are good enough to be with behind closed doors, you are good enough to be with out in public.
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Shouldn't he be excited to bring me and introduce me to his guy friends?!?! -- He asked you to go with him!!!! AND, he is well aware of and sensitive to your "anxieties" and was trying to not make you feel pressured into going if you didn't think you'd be comfortable. And, he would be concerned about you and perhaps causing him to not fully enjoy the BBQ. And said he wouldn't keep anyone here who didn't want to be -- He's mature and refuses to be manipulated. This is about YOU -- either you can handle going to the BBQ or you can't. It's not about him demonstrating that he's excited to be with you or showing you off. If you go, be prepared to start/carry on/contribute to conversations with strangers on your own and not expect him to be glued to your side. You are not a show pony and neither is he. 3
Author TaylorM Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Thank you everyone for the honest replies. I know you're all right, but I'm sure you can see how being told you're not wanted somewhere due to a shyness might make you feel bad about yourself. I am a little shy but not to the point of not speaking. With people I don't know, I'm a little quiet but talk when I can. I'm trying. The whole thing just made me feel bad about myself. Other females are going but he said a few of his friends girlfriends can't make it. I just wish I was wanted there, that's all. I'm sure those with anxieties understand this.
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 He did not tell you he didn't want you there . . . he simply pointed out the possibility of that being an uncomfortable situation for you and gave you an option. There is nothing in what you wrote that even comes close to implying that he didn't want you there. He ASKED you to go. Unless he is in the habit of doing things he doesn't want to do . . . you are reading that idea into this.
introverted1 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I'm sure those with anxieties understand this. OP, I am not a big fan of large parties where I don't know anyone. And I do understand your anxiety. But you can't make your anxiety your bf's problem... not unless you want to put him in the position of quasi-parenting you, or having to worry about your feelings every time he's invited to a run-of-the-mill party or BBQ. So valid choices are: Go and have funStay home and let him go and have fun with no guilt But your choices should NOT include Go and make your bf responsible for your comfort Don't go and guilt your bf into feeling that he snubbed you somehow
Bee4Shine Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 It does sound like he was trying to communicate and help you navigate the BBQ. He may have thought that both of you would be happier if just he went and he was being pretty gentle. I do see how you may have read into it - I probably would have too. The question is, when you are confused as to his intentions...can you say "What I hear you saying is that you would prefer that I do not go to the BBQ." Give him the opportunity to actually know what you are hearing. Then you can say "They way I interpret that is that you don't really want to introduce me to your friends and that makes me sad." Now he knows what is going on in your head. And he can respond appropriately. You would be surprised at how many arguments can be resolved if we just stop assuming that the other person knows what we are thinking. Sweetie, don't over think it. Just communicate. Guys don't naturally know how much "reassuring" you need. And if you are really needy - that can be really hard on a guy. Maybe rather than looking to him to meet these kinds of needs (which can be come a burden) can you develop within yourself a coping mechanism? Yes he needs to be sensitive, yes he needs to care, but there is a balance. I hope you can work with him.
leogirl876 Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 He asked you to go, I don't understand what the problem is. He's not gonna beg you to go! Relax, you'll drive him away with your insecurity.
Author TaylorM Posted October 21, 2016 Author Posted October 21, 2016 It does sound like he was trying to communicate and help you navigate the BBQ. He may have thought that both of you would be happier if just he went and he was being pretty gentle. I do see how you may have read into it - I probably would have too. The question is, when you are confused as to his intentions...can you say "What I hear you saying is that you would prefer that I do not go to the BBQ." Give him the opportunity to actually know what you are hearing. Then you can say "They way I interpret that is that you don't really want to introduce me to your friends and that makes me sad." Now he knows what is going on in your head. And he can respond appropriately. You would be surprised at how many arguments can be resolved if we just stop assuming that the other person knows what we are thinking. Sweetie, don't over think it. Just communicate. Guys don't naturally know how much "reassuring" you need. And if you are really needy - that can be really hard on a guy. Maybe rather than looking to him to meet these kinds of needs (which can be come a burden) can you develop within yourself a coping mechanism? Yes he needs to be sensitive, yes he needs to care, but there is a balance. I hope you can work with him. This helped me the most. We spoke more last night and both apologized. I used the tactic of telling him what I hear and how I interpret things and it helped a lot. My question now is do you think i should go? I was considering taking my own car and only going for a little bit (it's close by). He reiterated that he wanted me there he just didn't want me to have a bad time and want to leave etc. since I won't really know anyone. One of his friends girlfriends whom I know is going but only for a little bit. And if I should go, any advice on striking up conversation In a room full of strangers? Thank you!
Recommended Posts