kgcolonel Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Joga, I hear you and was in a similar situation in college....I needed to study and graduate and she was there to party and find a H. Several times she opted to go dancing or to overnight camping trips without me and deep down inside, I lik e you knew this was not sustainable. We finally broke up, she broke with me...I was heart broken. Two years later while she was engaged (and I believe preggors) she came to me with a note basically stating that she was mine and all i had to do was say yes. This defined her character, I obvisously declined and told her to go be with her fiance. I believe your relationship will head this way as well. I too would be uncomfortable with my GF going out to bars, coming home drunk (with a past of acting out when drunk) with the roommate. They may not have any feelings or attraction to each other while sober but we all know that things can change after too much to drink. She will be returning home with him, this is not a good set up. You should not try to tell her what to do or tell her what she cannot do just share with her your feelings and if she continues to do those things, then you know two things: 1. She's not at a point in her life to make the relationship number 1 and cares more about her wants than making you comfortable. 2. She's young and is not a good match for you in that you're not her priority. Yes, she likes spending time with you but that suits her, as does partying. That being said, don't threaten or pitch a fit or get butt hurt, just tell her that you want and need someone who shares more commonality in boundaries and priorities and you truly wish her well. Otherwise, you're in for a real rocky road and it will negatively influence the other aspects of your world. If you decide to ride this out a while longer, spend more time away from her place doing things you and she enjoy. Go see things, hike, find things that you both can enjoy away from her apt.
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 I want this to work, but I feel so conflicted. Some people tell me I am wrong others tell me I am right. ahh.
LargoLagg Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 (edited) She actually has cooled down, but complained to me today saying that she feels it's a bit of an abusive relationship that I tell her not to do this or that. But I just want to be respected and not played.Who are you to tell her not to do this or that? That's not your call. Your call is whether or not you'll put up with the stuff she does. If something bothers you, then it's fair for you to say "I'm bothered by...." but you can't tell her what to do. I've read all the posts. Now I can answer your original question. You're too controlling. Besides, she's 21. Your days of going out to clubs and doing all the stuff you do at that age may be over, but hers are just beginning. She's going to get her ya-ya's out, whether you like it or not. It's just a matter of time. It also doesn't matter how much she likes you today, or if she's in love. That will change too. Edited October 20, 2016 by LargoLagg 2
smackie9 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I can't believe you expect her to ASK for PERMISSION to go out....seriously she is NOT your wife, she is just a GF that you are not even living with. She can do whatever she wants. The reality is the only way this is going to work is for you to stop being so possessive and controlling out of your own insecurities/trust issues. If you can't, she's going to dump you anyways. You are the one that needs to change not her. IMO you two are too incompatible (like a trying to fit a square peg into a round hole) and the only reason why you are hanging on so tight is because she's makes the earth move in bed.
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I want this to work, but I feel so conflicted. Some people tell me I am wrong others tell me I am right. ahh. This really does come down to compatibility. I feel so conflicted -- you're conflicted because you want a woman who is more of a "homebody" and, perhaps, a little less independent but are trying to force the relationship to work. That's a lot of work. If she's unwilling to compromise or simply isn't the kind of woman you need, you're doing all the work by negating your own needs. I want this to work,-- It isn't going to work if you have to force it to work. One or both of you will become resentful over time. I promise you that.
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Who are you to tell her not to do this or that? That's not your call. Your call is whether or not you'll put up with the stuff she does. If something bothers you, then it's fair for you to say "I'm bothered by...." but you can't tell her what to do. I've read all the posts. Now I can answer your original question. You're too controlling. Is this something I need to work on or do I need to find a girlfriend that is more compatible?
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 why are some people so angry at me? holy 1
olivetree Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Is this something I need to work on or do I need to find a girlfriend that is more compatible? Both. You're too controlling AND you're not compatible.
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Both. You're too controlling AND you're not compatible. what good is it if I tell her which I have in a civil way "hey I am uncomfortable with you going out with your roommate and I am not present" only for her to still go do it anyway?
DKT3 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I don't see it as controlling to have expectations of your partner in a relationship. Alot of times woman like your girlfriend exhibit poor behavior because they lack boundaries, a lack of boundaries turns into disrespectful actions towards your partner. When one voices concern or displeasure those types of people yell controlling. Here is what you do, dump her, it's really that simple. You two are in different places she doesn't respect you as a man, her bf and you're not her father. This dynamic is extremely dysfunctional and the relationship has no foundation for growth. 1
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 I don't see it as controlling to have expectations of your partner in a relationship. Alot of times woman like your girlfriend exhibit poor behavior because they lack boundaries, a lack of boundaries turns into disrespectful actions towards your partner. When one voices concern or displeasure those types of people yell controlling. Here is what you do, dump her, it's really that simple. You two are in different places she doesn't respect you as a man, her bf and you're not her father. This dynamic is extremely dysfunctional and the relationship has no foundation for growth. I think so too. 1
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 why are some people so angry at me? holy Because you say things like: .........frustrated and angry that my girlfriend does not listen to my requests when I tell her ...... She is your girlfriend, not your child, not your employee. She has free will and you have no authority over her to command her.
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 what good is it if I tell her which I have in a civil way "hey I am uncomfortable with you going out with your roommate and I am not present" only for her to still go do it anyway? If you express discomfort about something, you do it respectfully and observe whether or not they attempt to address your needs. If they don't, then you need to leave the relationship. You are addressing a fundamental need for yourself in the relationship. It's big. It's not like her leaving her gum wrappers on the floor of your car and you asking her to put them in the garbage instead. You might be able to "live" with that if she doesn't, you can pick them up yourself. But you can't make her change. 1
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I don't see it as controlling to have expectations of your partner in a relationship. Alot of times woman like your girlfriend exhibit poor behavior because they lack boundaries, a lack of boundaries turns into disrespectful actions towards your partner. When one voices concern or displeasure those types of people yell controlling. Here is the difference between controlling and having expectations. Controlling:I don't want you to go out clubbing with some other guys and having fits and fights when she does. Expectations: I expect a GF to not go out clubbing with some other guys, if this is important to you I respect that but I will not date you. 2
LargoLagg Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Both. You're too controlling AND you're not compatible.Ditto. That's exactly what I was going to say.
LargoLagg Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 what good is it if I tell her which I have in a civil way "hey I am uncomfortable with you going out with your roommate and I am not present" only for her to still go do it anyway?Said the way you put it, you're well within bounds. That's a lot different than saying "Don't go out with your roommate to the clubs. Don't go out and get drunk." However, think about what you're really telling her. "hey, I don't really trust you to go out with your roommate when I'm not around. I'm afraid you'll get drunk and screw him because you have no self-control " It's not very flattering, and you know, if that's what you think about her, then what makes you think that's ever going to change? Are you looking forward to a life devoted to putting barriers around her activities because you can't trust her? Her disregarding your request and going out anyway is one of two things. She either doesn't give a crap about your comfort zone, or she heard "I don't trust you" and her going out was a way to say FU. You'd do well to let this one go, because you won't be happy with her.
Miss Peach Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 One thing you'll have to learn is that in order to have a good relationship you can't control another person. You can only control yourself. You can try to negotiate with her but if she doesn't want to take the deal, then you have to figure out what you're going to do. You need to accept it or reject it. If you tolerate it and control it like you are currently doing, you're just inviting resentment to breed which will kill everything at some point. Well she's right about that... You don't threaten to break up with someone unless they listen to you, that is controlling and manipulative. If she wants to go out clubbing and you don't, maybe you are incompatible. Totally agree
DKT3 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Here is the difference between controlling and having expectations. Controlling:I don't want you to go out clubbing with some other guys and having fits and fights when she does. Expectations: I expect a GF to not go out clubbing with some other guys, if this is important to you I respect that but I will not date you. She is young immature and selfish it would all sound the same to her and all feel controlling.. I just don't see what the conversation is about, as a man I would have no interest in a woman who felt I was abusing her by expressing my displeasure with her behavior. They is a large percentage of women who feel that a man should just accept whatever poor behavior they display. There is a opportunity cost to being in a relationship, if you want to be single then be single. Many of the women who have replied see this being a control issue, I don't. I see it being a respect issue with a side of immaturity and selfishness, on both side. I'm sure OP didn't just start off were he is, I'm sure he voiced displeasure with her actions yet her actions continued. I can see that in his frustration. He then became more forceful with his words. She backs down abit doesn't want to so she cries controlling.....and here is the real issue and why I say dump her. She doesn't see an issue with being in a relationship but still acting single, she simply isn't relationship ready. Op listen, you have no future with this girl with this dynamic. The template is set and this battle will remain a constant throughout the relationship. Let it go, let her go. Your so young with so much happiness in your coming years, don't force a relationship with someone only half in. Save yourself from the drama. 2
introverted1 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 she said that I am welcome to come join them if it happens, she is not for sure going to do this, but she likes to know that she has the option to do what she wants. OP, can you please clarify what your gf has actually done versus what she has stated she might do at some future point? You also said, "when she starts to drink she does stupid things." Can you elaborate on exactly what she has done?
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 She is young immature and selfish it would all sound the same to her and all feel controlling.. I just don't see what the conversation is about, as a man I would have no interest in a woman who felt I was abusing her by expressing my displeasure with her behavior. They is a large percentage of women who feel that a man should just accept whatever poor behavior they display. There is a opportunity cost to being in a relationship, if you want to be single then be single. Many of the women who have replied see this being a control issue, I don't. I see it being a respect issue with a side of immaturity and selfishness, on both side. I'm sure OP didn't just start off were he is, I'm sure he voiced displeasure with her actions yet her actions continued. I can see that in his frustration. He then became more forceful with his words. She backs down abit doesn't want to so she cries controlling.....and here is the real issue and why I say dump her. She doesn't see an issue with being in a relationship but still acting single, she simply isn't relationship ready. There is no going around this this. Girlfriend is immature? Don't date her Girlfriend has no boundaries? Don't date her Girlfriend takes you for granted? Don't date her Girlfriend has different values? Don't date her Dating is about finding a compatible partner. It's not about putting up with BS like clubbing with other guys till morning. Yes GF is immature and is not ready to be in a relationship. OP should understand that and not try to control her, change her, or give her ultimatums.
Toodaloo Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 She is young she wants to enjoy herself while she can. You don't like it and don't want to join in and keep trying to stop her doing what young people do. Split up. Its not fair on her and its driving you insane. 1
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 OP, can you please clarify what your gf has actually done versus what she has stated she might do at some future point? You also said, "when she starts to drink she does stupid things." Can you elaborate on exactly what she has done? she kissed another woman in front of my face while drunk. She thought I would be turned on, but I spoke to her about it and said I don't like this one bit. so we set that boundary and she has not done it since.
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 she kissed another woman in front of my face while drunk. She thought I would be turned on, but I spoke to her about it and said I don't like this one bit. so we set that boundary and she has not done it since. She's not relationship material and you are not compatible with each other. Do you and her a favor. End the relationship and walk away.
DKT3 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 she kissed another woman in front of my face while drunk. She thought I would be turned on, but I spoke to her about it and said I don't like this one bit. so we set that boundary and she has not done it since. Yeah, I would not bet on that....maybe just not in front of you. What's the appeal here? She doesn't sound like much of a catch. A drunken immature girl with poor boundaries and no respect..i don't get it. She must be hella hot 1
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Yeah, I would not bet on that....maybe just not in front of you. What's the appeal here? She doesn't sound like much of a catch. A drunken immature girl with poor boundaries and no respect..i don't get it. She must be hella hot Even then it's sad for men to allow women to disrespect him because they're "hot".
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