Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 My girlfriend now lives with a male roommate, which I hate. She had no option since she needed someone to move in asap to pay the bill and she was not willing to move from where she currently lives. I can't move in with her because schooling and finances She was supposed to live with one of her friends, but her friend suddenly disappeared and ditched her. Now I never have liked when my girlfriend goes out to nightclubs, and hangs out with other guys. She told me today that I am too controlling and that she should not ask me permission to club out and that I need to trust her. That if she wants to have a club night with her girlfriends and roommate that it's ok. That I should not get mad or threaten to break up with her if there is something I don't like. And that I have the freedom to do what I want as well, and that she wants a healthy relationship. But I really feel uncomfortable that she is up till 3-4 am with this roommate or any guy for that matter. Even if she is with her girlfriends. I don't know what to do?
kailah Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 That I should not get mad or threaten to break up with her if there is something I don't like. Well she's right about that... You don't threaten to break up with someone unless they listen to you, that is controlling and manipulative. If she wants to go out clubbing and you don't, maybe you are incompatible. 5
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 I mean I know it's horrible and something you shouldn't, but anyone ever think it is justified? I mean for myself I am very upset, frustrated and angry that my girlfriend does not listen to my requests when I tell her to not go out with guy friends and her roommate and to cut down on the partying lifestyle. It's like there is no respect, and I think I may hit the point where I need to do what she does so she feels what I feel. As unhealthy as it sounds and in terms of cheating I think it happens when a person can be frustrated emotionally with their partner. What do you people think? 1
kailah Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 As someone who has cheated, it is never okay. Never. NEVER. If you are unhappy and don't want to be with someone than talk to them about it, figure it out and if need be... LEAVE. It's extremely immature to cheat on your girlfriend because you THINK she MIGHT be cheating on you. If you don't like that she goes out and stay out late, then talk to her about it. If she that's something that she likes doing, then you are not compatible and you break up. Do you really think cheating will solve the issues here? You will feel like total crap if you cheat and find out that she never cheated on you. Relationships are nothing without trust, if you don't trust her it's time to move on. You ARE being controlling by telling her she can't do something. And you ARE being manipulative by telling her that you will dump her if she doesn't follow your rules (as well as saying you will cheat). 1
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 As someone who has cheated, it is never okay. Never. NEVER. If you are unhappy and don't want to be with someone than talk to them about it, figure it out and if need be... LEAVE. It's extremely immature to cheat on your girlfriend because you THINK she MIGHT be cheating on you. If you don't like that she goes out and stay out late, then talk to her about it. If she that's something that she likes doing, then you are not compatible and you break up. Do you really think cheating will solve the issues here? You will feel like total crap if you cheat and find out that she never cheated on you. Relationships are nothing without trust, if you don't trust her it's time to move on. You ARE being controlling by telling her she can't do something. And you ARE being manipulative by telling her that you will dump her if she doesn't follow your rules (as well as saying you will cheat). I love the time I spend with her, me and her. The chemistry in the bedroom is also there big time! but yes I don't agree with her going out thing, and I wonder if it's me being insecure or if I am being a fool for dating someone like this.
basil67 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I'm responding to this question and your other question as they are the same issue. Yes, your actions are controlling and manipulative. You are not her father and she does not need your permission to go and do things. You should not threaten to end the relationship if you are upset about something. And no, you should not go and cheat on her because she's out clubbing with her flatmate and friends. Besides the fact that cheating is wrong, it's not even 'an eye for an eye' - she's out clubbing - not cheating. If you find that her lifestyle isn't compatible with your ideals, then end it. But don't strong arm her into submitting to your ideals. If you keep up this behaviour and you will soon find yourself single. 4
LargoLagg Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I mean I know it's horrible and something you shouldn't, but anyone ever think it is justified? I mean for myself I am very upset, frustrated and angry that my girlfriend does not listen to my requests when I tell her to not go out with guy friends and her roommate and to cut down on the partying lifestyle. It's like there is no respect, and I think I may hit the point where I need to do what she does so she feels what I feel. As unhealthy as it sounds and in terms of cheating I think it happens when a person can be frustrated emotionally with their partner. What do you people think?I think that there is nothing wrong with going out with guy friends and her roommate, even if it happens a lot. One and/or two things is wrong. 1) You don't trust her. 2) You're right not to trust her. Here's the thing. All of your "punishments" are not going to change her behavior. You can do all of the retaliatory things you want, and she'll see right through you, or accuse you of worse. If you don't like what she's doing, then LEAVE. There's no need to warn her. You'll see why if you try to warn her. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I love the time I spend with her, me and her. The chemistry in the bedroom is also there big time! but yes I don't agree with her going out thing, and I wonder if it's me being insecure or if I am being a fool for dating someone like this. Yes. If you aren't compatible with someone, it is conflict-avoidant and destructive to cheat. Does it even sound responsible to you? Cheating is a form of emotional abuse. You can't tell someone what they "can" and " can't " do. You aren't her Dad. What you are able to do is set acceptable behavioural boundaries for yourself. You say, "look, this is what I want my relationships to look like. Can you do that? No? Goodbye." Then find someone else compatible. Getting in "hurt wars" in relationships is very immature and toxic to both parties. I honestly suggest that you read A LOT about dealing with conflict in relationships (perhaps Gottmann) before getting into another relationship ever again. I'm not kidding.
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 I have made my decision and I know cheating is wrong. I never have done this and I was not raised to be that kind of man. I guess my option from here is tolerate this if I want to be with her and not threatening to leave when I don't get my way. I realize that I have some trust issues and perhaps she is not the match for me. So I have two options one is to stay and trust her more. And the other is to leave and find someone that is more of a homebody. I want to challenge my insecurity though, because it kind of feels like regardless if I am with her I might run into the same problem I am facing now. 1
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 (edited) You and your girlfriend are not compatible and in my opinion she is not girlfriend material. No woman that goes out partying on the regular and hangs around with men on her lonesome is relationship material and while she may not have cheated I think her behavior is unacceptable given that she is in a relationship. Cheating on her is wrong, but breaking up with her is what I would do in your shoes. Edited October 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Buddhist Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I mean I know it's horrible and something you shouldn't, but anyone ever think it is justified? Well lets have a look at the word justified shall we? Can we ever convince ourselves in our heads that yes our actions are right even though we know they are not? Yes. We can and do delude ourselves frequently. Justification is just a fancy word for kidding ourselves about the truth. I mean for myself I am very upset, frustrated and angry that my girlfriend does not listen to my requests when I tell her to not go out with guy friends and her roommate and to cut down on the partying lifestyle. So it's your girlfriends job to acquiesce to your requests or you will cheat? Interesting concept. It's like there is no respect, and I think I may hit the point where I need to do what she does so she feels what I feel. So your GF is cheating on you is she? Why is she still your GF? Isn't it better for you to go and find a better relationship than engage in childish tit for tat? As unhealthy as it sounds and in terms of cheating I think it happens when a person can be frustrated emotionally with their partner. Yes I think it can happen for that reason, it doesn't make it any less destructive to the relationship though. Deciding to betray your partner because you do not have the maturity to deal with an emotionally frustrating situation more constructively doesn't really benefit you in the long run. It's pretty much guaranteed to ruin your relationship and aside from some momentary satisfaction isn't going to solve your frustration either. It's generally better to learn to deal with the situation properly so you gain a skill rather than get petty.
phineas Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 does she know the male roommate from before? I'm confused. Why is her male roommate going to the club with her and her GF's and not you? What am I missing here? are you guys long distance? 1
Toodaloo Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Yes you are being insecure, jealous and controlling... That gets dull after a while. What will happen is that you will flip your lid and break up with her and for once she will gladly accept and walk away or she will get so fed up with it she breaks up with you anyway. You are both young. Going out to clubs with groups of people both male and female is normal... at any age... 1
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Well lets have a look at the word justified shall we? Can we ever convince ourselves in our heads that yes our actions are right even though we know they are not? Yes. We can and do delude ourselves frequently. Justification is just a fancy word for kidding ourselves about the truth. So it's your girlfriends job to acquiesce to your requests or you will cheat? Interesting concept. So your GF is cheating on you is she? Why is she still your GF? Isn't it better for you to go and find a better relationship than engage in childish tit for tat? Yes I think it can happen for that reason, it doesn't make it any less destructive to the relationship though. Deciding to betray your partner because you do not have the maturity to deal with an emotionally frustrating situation more constructively doesn't really benefit you in the long run. It's pretty much guaranteed to ruin your relationship and aside from some momentary satisfaction isn't going to solve your frustration either. It's generally better to learn to deal with the situation properly so you gain a skill rather than get petty. It is very difficult. My thoughts go overtime and it hard to control, I don't want to look like a fool and get hurt.
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 does she know the male roommate from before? I'm confused. Why is her male roommate going to the club with her and her GF's and not you? What am I missing here? are you guys long distance? no thank god she does not know this guy from before and has assured me she is not attracted to him. she said that I am welcome to come join them if it happens, she is not for sure going to do this, but she likes to know that she has the option to do what she wants. no we are not long distance, she sees me like 3-4 times a week I sleepover, and she calls me everyday quite often. Not because I call her, she calls me during the day to see how I am doing.
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Yes you are being insecure, jealous and controlling... That gets dull after a while. What will happen is that you will flip your lid and break up with her and for once she will gladly accept and walk away or she will get so fed up with it she breaks up with you anyway. You are both young. Going out to clubs with groups of people both male and female is normal... at any age... This actually happens, but we both manage to talk it out and then argue again. I am 26 she is 21 turning 22 in January. How can I be less insecure, jealous and controlling then? I don't want to lose her, I love hanging out with her and I am totally attached to her. Mind you I still try to keep hobbies of my own, but lately she loves me spending time with her on my days off and find myself more time at her house than mine.
DKT3 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 If you want to date a girl who doesn't party and hang out with a ton of guys (which in itself is a slightly red flag) then break up with this one and go find the woman you want. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 This actually happens, but we both manage to talk it out and then argue again. I am 26 she is 21 turning 22 in January. How can I be less insecure, jealous and controlling then? I don't want to lose her, I love hanging out with her and I am totally attached to her. Mind you I still try to keep hobbies of my own, but lately she loves me spending time with her on my days off and find myself more time at her house than mine. Well, it sounds like your gf is into you. Do YOU find the guy attractive? Does he have a gf? Have you introduced yourself to him?
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Well, it sounds like your gf is into you. Do YOU find the guy attractive? Does he have a gf? Have you introduced yourself to him? He is ok, but I feel I am a better catch, I have introduced myself to him, but spoken little, I don't want to be his best bud. But I don't trust him and with her when she starts to drink she does stupid things.
Author Joga_31 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 If you want to date a girl who doesn't party and hang out with a ton of guys (which in itself is a slightly red flag) then break up with this one and go find the woman you want. She actually has cooled down, but complained to me today saying that she feels it's a bit of an abusive relationship that I tell her not to do this or that. But I just want to be respected and not played.
joseb Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 But I don't trust him and with her when she starts to drink she does stupid things. Like what? Is she a party girl? Kind of sounds like it to me, but we are only hearing your side of course...
Tribble Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 She actually has cooled down, but complained to me today saying that she feels it's a bit of an abusive relationship that I tell her not to do this or that. But I just want to be respected and not played. This right here is a problem. She feels it is an abusive relationship. You think you're putting 'restrictions' in place so you feel respected. But forcing someone to do something does not show respect. She is not wrong to want to do things when she wants. She should not have to ask your permission to do anything. In a healthy relationship you have and agree to boundaries. They look different in each relationship and you both come up with them. Respect for your partner comes in when you decide to follow those boundaries, not that you are forced to. You say she invites you along, so what is the problem? She isn't hiding anything from you. And threatening to break up every time you disagree must be exhausting! It is unacceptable and not a way to deal with adult problems. Unfortunately, this doesn't look like it'll work out. She feels abused and therefore shouldn't stay in the relationship. You need to mature in your approach and not use threats to get your way. You need to understand that your gf is not your property and doesn't need your permission to live her life.
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 My girlfriend now lives with a male roommate, which I hate. She had no option since she needed someone to move in asap to pay the bill and she was not willing to move from where she currently lives. I can't move in with her because schooling and finances She was supposed to live with one of her friends, but her friend suddenly disappeared and ditched her. Now I never have liked when my girlfriend goes out to nightclubs, and hangs out with other guys. She told me today that I am too controlling and that she should not ask me permission to club out and that I need to trust her. That if she wants to have a club night with her girlfriends and roommate that it's ok. That I should not get mad or threaten to break up with her if there is something I don't like. And that I have the freedom to do what I want as well, and that she wants a healthy relationship. But I really feel uncomfortable that she is up till 3-4 am with this roommate or any guy for that matter. Even if she is with her girlfriends. I don't know what to do? When there is something you are uncomfortable about that your girlfriend does, it's OK to let her know that in a non-confrontational way. But, if you accompany that expression of discomfort with threats and anger, that makes it about being controlling. Unless, you have a real reason to distrust her, you need to trust her. If she has a history with you that demonstrates that she is untrustworthy, then you break up with her. You cannot make someone do something they don't want to do or be what you want them to be. She is a young woman who is enjoying her life and you two are not married so you have no right to demand anything from her. Even if you were married, you shouldn't demand. Turn this around, how would you respond if she came to you and got in your face and told you you couldn't hang with your friends or put limits on anything. She is an independent woman now. She has a father and she doesn't need another one. Hopefully, her father/parents have done a good job of raising her and she can be responsible and trustworthy. You trust someone until they show you that they can't be trusted.
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 You need to understand that your gf is not your property and doesn't need your permission to live her life. I couldn't agree more and his girlfriend needs to learn that leading a party lifestyle is unacceptable when in a relationship. Hanging around with male friends all the time is also unacceptable. The OP's mistake was not establishing boundaries at the start of the relationship. If I was in his shoes I'd have pointed out that I feel partying and hanging around with male friends is not acceptable to me and if the woman disagreed then I'd have chalked her up as being incompatible and wished her well.
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Repeat after me: I cannot control another human being. Again: I cannot control another human being. I cannot control another human being. I cannot control another human being. I cannot control another human being. I cannot control another human being. I cannot control another human being. You date this lady and if she does something that does not fit in your life style, does not fit with your values then you CHANGE girlfriend till you find one that lives with the same core values as you. If suddenly my BF would go clubbing with females or stay out till 3h-4h am every week I would not ask him to change.....I would break up with him because him and I are following different path and have different views on how a relationship should work. 1
Recommended Posts