GF of 2,5y gets GIGS.

[Synyster]

So, i'm 29, she's almost 24.

We've had a LOT of ups and downs, but always solved everything.

Sex and chemistry is great. However, i've always been the one who "loved more"

even though she feels it's mutual.

 

I've had 4 LTR she's had 3 before me. I've slept around and just want to settle down and start a family. She hasn't have a "single period" and never felt like having one. I'm from a big city and she's from a small-town but lived in the city for 1,5yrs (we met when she was planning on moving here).

 

Anyways, for a year, we've had more downs than up. And in May, we talked and decided to set some rules (never fight at night/when drunk etc.) and really focus on getting better.

It worked great but a month after (june) her job situation suddenly wasn't that safe (she owns her own company and she's working like 12-14 hours a day)

 

And when i got home from a short trip she told me she was unsure of the future of our relationship. I got freaked out, booked a trip for us and we had an amazing time, and she told me "that was the spark we needed". So all was good. This was july.

 

Two weeks ago she told me again: the company is taking 80% of her time, leading to her feeling guilty if she doesnt spend the remaining 20% on me. And she didnt want to be in a relationship where i was hurt a lot and she always felt guilt because she wanted to feel free and not have any responsibilities towards me. Or any one else.

And i feel neglected but at the same time i support her in everything.

However i've felt like i'm almost, always the second- or third choice whenever she gets spare time (her friends/party/social life being the other)

 

An example the fight that set "GIGS" 2w ago: she was going to a businesstrip for 10 days and when she got back i would be on a trip for 4 days. Mening we wouldnt see each other for 2w. So she was leaving on a friday and i tried to plan something with her monday, tuesday and last chance, wednesday.

 

So we agreed on wednesday and when it was time to meet up after work she decided to take a late afterwork with colleagues/friends.

That made me furious (she rather spend time drinken in a bar than with me before being away for 14 days) so i went home and went to bed. The next day we had a fight and i reminded her that i've been feeling neglected and not prioritized and she told me that she felt like she was 50% in this relationship and we need a break for her to think what she wants to do.

 

After the trips (we kept LC) she came home and said basically that it felt super great to have LC and she doesnt want to be in a relationship, and she wanted to focus on her, the company and not feel responsibilities towards a SO.

 

I'm devestaded because i feel she's the love of My life. I've never loved anything this much and now it's day 2 of NC and i Haven't slept or eaten in two days. We don't have each other on social platforms and she says she's not interested in other guys (that would defeat the purpose of being alone/free) and she loves me like she never loved anybody but she wants to be alone.

 

And me, it's crazy painful but i want her to be happy and if she decides to comeback, i don't want it to be because i begged her.

 

What should i do. What do you think? Gigs? Just done with me? Done with relationships?

Edited October 20, 2016 by Synyster

[JewelD]

I think you should move on. Sounds like she thought this decision through and gave it a go with this relationship and now she's really done with it.

 

Part of it probably is about her job and her free time and just wanting to be single for a bit but I tend to believe that if the relationship was a match, she would want to work through all of those issues just to be with you. You said it yourself that you loved her more than she loves you.

[HumanMachine]

I'd be very surprised if she wasn't monkey branching during your rship.. Do not believe that "not interested in other guys" nonsense.

 

Stick to nc.. Initiating contact with her will only prolong the torture..

[basil67]

It's not GIGS. The relationship is clearly not meeting your needs. And she probably feels bad about not being on the same page as you and has moved on to find something which suits her better.

Edited October 20, 2016 by basil67

[aloneinaz]

She is/was demonstrating all the loosing interest in this relationship traits. When folks start to doubt the future w/their partner they start emotionally checking out of the relationship. Google "signs your partner is losing interest".

 

It's clear you two were not very compatible either. Way too much fighting/arguing. What would the marriage looked like? Even worse.

 

You're young and have plenty of time to meet someone you connect with and most importantly, get along with. You simply can't force a relationship to work.

 

Move on from her and get back out dating again when you're ready. Most folks have lots of relationships before the meet the one and marry them.

[oldshirt]

People do what they want to do. If she wanted to see you more and be more invested in the relationship, she would.

 

"we should take a break", or "I need time to think of what I really want" really means, "I want to try this other guy on for size, but I want you waiting on reserve in case it doesn't work out." 90% of the time.

 

The other 10% of time it means, "I need time to figure out how to break it to you gently."

 

It never means, "I just realized how much I missed you and how much you mean to me and now I am going to invest 100% into our relationship and live happily ever after." No, it never means that.

 

She outright admitted she was only 50% into the relationship - believe her.

 

The fact that she was digging the LC and was excited to only have to deal with you during commercial breaks also speaks volumes.

 

Believe the signs you are seeing and believe the writing on the wall. It speaks the truth.

[Synyster]

Sorry if i sound naive, but it's really not like that.

 

I googled the signs and none of them matched except for the time part.

She's always loving and when we're together we have the best time.

The fights we have is about me feeling ignored and not prioritized, however i know for a fact that her friends feel the same way, always have to txt her 2-3 Times before she answers, always forgetting what she planned. The difference is, since i'm her bf, i took it much worse, hence the fights.

She's known for being a "good girl", adorable and kind of gawky.

 

I really do believe that since work is taking 80% of her time, she panics about "missing out" alone time.

 

I mean she's REALLY, working 9am-10pm (she does her best sending snaps from the Office and tries to txt me) and we always go to bed together,after late dinner and maybe some tv.

We've tried taking trips together but her job is not allowing that much free time.

 

But like i said: always very loving and affectionate when we're together.

 

Since her company is on the verge of going bankrupt, she's had a lot of thinking

And thats where these thoughts started. She tried thinking of the future and probably wants to start a new company, but that would mean even less free time.

 

And thats where thoughts of "will we still be together" started popping in.

And after i guess 2-3 months she decided to take a break. And it felt good.

 

I guess i just want to know: you think she'll be back (since we're still in love and still on good terms) and should i keep on with NC and hope for the best?

 

I really really reallyyyyyy don't think it's about other guys.

I think the fights and her guilt of "never being enough" has made this decision and that alone

[Erik30]

I think she's just using her work as an excuse, there might be some other guy, or she wants to be single and dating. She's only 23 so maybe she's not ready to settle down yet. NC is your best move.

[basil67]

You ask if she is likely to return. Given the fights you had because she wasn't meeting your needs, I think it's unlikely. If you truly loved her, you'd accept her being flaky and not make her feel bad about it by fighting.

 

She's probably tired of being criticised. She's also decided to prioritise her work over relationships. Much easier to do if you're single.

Edited October 20, 2016 by basil67

[newheart]

Maybe a dumb question, but ... what is GIGS?

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think it's likely that she will come back.

 

You yourself said your relationship had a lot of ups and downs, especially the latter. That isn't a sign of a healthy, sustainable union. A lot of fighting points to deeper incompatibilities, and an it sounds like it simply wore her down and she lost interest.

 

There is no check-list of "symptoms" for GIGS. I don't buy into it anyway, to be honest. I have long believed it's an invented "syndrome" to help dumpees feel better and try to find answers and explanations, as if GIGS could be caught and cured. That's not how life works. People, especially at her young age, really do sometimes outgrow their relationships as they get older and their desires change. She's still figuring out who she is, and that includes finding a compatible romantic partner. You two don't sound like you were a good match anymore.

 

Whatever the reason, the end result is the same. She doesn't want this relationship anymore, so your best bet for yourself is to go No Contact. That way, even if she does come back someday, you won't have been sitting and hanging on to the past. You'll be in a healthier emotional place, regardless of what happens with her in the future.

[aloneinaz]

Grass is greener is GIGS

 

OP, if she truly was in love with you, she'd find time for you, period. You wouldn't be drowning in excuses for her being too busy to find time for you. I think it's time you put on some reality glasses and accept that she just wasn't that into you. I know it hurts but we've all been there.

 

YES, stay NC with her. Learn what you can from the R/S. Heal and move onto another woman who makes spending time with the guy in her life a priority.

[fromheart]

Sorry if i sound naive, but it's really not like that.

 

I googled the signs and none of them matched except for the time part.

She's always loving and when we're together we have the best time.

The fights we have is about me feeling ignored and not prioritized, however i know for a fact that her friends feel the same way, always have to txt her 2-3 Times before she answers, always forgetting what she planned. The difference is, since i'm her bf, i took it much worse, hence the fights.

She's known for being a "good girl", adorable and kind of gawky.

 

I really do believe that since work is taking 80% of her time, she panics about "missing out" alone time.

 

I mean she's REALLY, working 9am-10pm (she does her best sending snaps from the Office and tries to txt me) and we always go to bed together,after late dinner and maybe some tv.

We've tried taking trips together but her job is not allowing that much free time.

 

But like i said: always very loving and affectionate when we're together.

 

Since her company is on the verge of going bankrupt, she's had a lot of thinking

And thats where these thoughts started. She tried thinking of the future and probably wants to start a new company, but that would mean even less free time.

 

And thats where thoughts of "will we still be together" started popping in.

And after i guess 2-3 months she decided to take a break. And it felt good.

 

I guess i just want to know: you think she'll be back (since we're still in love and still on good terms) and should i keep on with NC and hope for the best?

 

I really really reallyyyyyy don't think it's about other guys.

I think the fights and her guilt of "never being enough" has made this decision and that alone

 

 

Going to be direct here...

 

Dude, your saying that she's in love with you. She ended the relationship man, she's not in love. I'm sorry to have to say this, but I've been in your position and its better to accept the harsh reality.

 

Every time you ask a woman to make you a priority, she loses attraction for you. When she says she has to work and can't make you a priority, and this is a source of fights, she loses attraction for you.

Its only a matter of time before she leaves.

 

As soon as you said you were more loving than her, I could predict where your post was going to go.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but yes she's looking at other men. That's why she's going out drinking at nightclubs with girls after work, instead of meeting you.

 

Don't stick around being her disposable option anymore. Completely walk away from her, total NC. Do NOT get friendzoned.

Only make someone a priority, if they are willing and able to make you theirs.

 

 

Is there hope in the future? Yes there might be. But ONLY if you work on your self for yourself, ONLY if you completely move on and ONLY if you do not contact her.

[Miss Peach]

OP I can understand where your ex might be coming from. I recently came out of a LTR. In my case I couldn't deal with his insecurity and passive aggressiveness. But I work a lot, I have a kid, and I felt me me time was stretched very thin. I never felt relaxed. I was always tired. I felt stretched very thin.

 

XBF was unwilling to do things other other than watch movies, sleep in, go out to eat during 'our' time. That is what felt like quality time to him and he wanted all out time to be quality time. So it felt like I was scrambling to get housework, errands, etc. on 'my' time and it was very hard on me. I did it for so long because I lived and cared about him. But it was tiring and taxing and he just didn't get it no matter how many times I tried to explain it to him. He told me I juggled everything effortlessly. But I did always feel pressured to give him more at my own expense.

 

In my case it wasn't what ended the relationship but I'm really enjoying getting my me time back being single again and something I'll be more conscience of next time. I'm not sure if there are any parallels in your story but I can understand where she may be coming from. And, yes, it may have nothing to do with other men. It might just mean she's needing to be able to take care of herself better.

Edited October 20, 2016 by Miss Peach

[Synyster]

OP I can understand where your ex might be coming from. I recently came out of a LTR. In my case I couldn't deal with his insecurity and passive aggressiveness. But I work a lot, I have a kid, and I felt me me time was stretched very thin. I never felt relaxed. I was always tired. I felt stretched very thin.

 

XBF was unwilling to do things other other than watch movies, sleep in, go out to eat during 'our' time. That is what felt like quality time to him and he wanted all out time to be quality time. So it felt like I was scrambling to get housework, errands, etc. on 'my' time and it was very hard on me. I did it for so long because I lived and cared about him. But it was tiring and taxing and he just didn't get it no matter how many times I tried to explain it to him. He told me I juggled everything effortlessly. But I did always feel pressured to give him more at my own expense.

 

In my case it wasn't what ended the relationship but I'm really enjoying getting my me time back being single again and something I'll be more conscience of next time. I'm not sure if there are any parallels in your story but I can understand where she may be coming from. And, yes, it may have nothing to do with other men. It might just mean she's needing to be able to take care of herself better.

 

 

Thanks! I kind of feel this is similar, however we don't just hang around on our time. We actually do stuff, we take walks, visit museums, try to do fun stuff together, but since she's tired from work a lot of tv-watching occurs as well.

Since it wasn't the issue for you (being that the break-up was for another reason) i cant really ask you about if you ever felt like going back. But thanks for the perspective.

 

Seriously thanks guys for your input but i promise, i'm super-sure it's not other guys, she doesnt go to clubs, she mostly enjoy wine bars and eating out with her best friend (she doesnt know many people at all, however i know a lot since i also work att all the nightclubs in our city)

And if that was the issue, she would tell me that she wanted to see other guys. Thats the type of person she is, believe me.

 

I had the same GIGS when i was her age and i dumped My gf of 5yrs and regretted it 5 months later, but she had met another guy and i've come to live with it. She's happy with him and we're friends.

 

I appreciate you trying to give me "tough love" but if you just could think that she wasn't into dating other guys, what advice would you give me

 

P.s we discussed posdibilities of keep having sex, since none of us wants to see other people, but that would be crazy to go from couple in love to just booty-calls

[aloneinaz]

 

I appreciate you trying to give me "tough love" but if you just could think that she wasn't into dating other guys, what advice would you give me

 

If you want to get over it the fastest, let her know you need to stop contact w/her to heal and move on w/your life. She's making the decision to end the R/S. Clearly, you want a relationship w/someone. So, heal from this and when you're ready, start dating again.

 

P.s we discussed posdibilities of keep having sex, since none of us wants to see other people, but that would be crazy to go from couple in love to just booty-calls

 

Wow.. You're a bigger man than me. There's no way I could do that. Down grading from significant other to a service provider.

[ExpatInItaly]

My advice still stands. You can't continue to remain in contact.

Assuming there is no other man right now, she has still freed herself up to the possibility of one day meeting a new guy. It doesn't matter if she likes going to clubs or wine bars or the local stamp-collectors club. She is still a free agent, and the ability to meet another man is there now.

 

This is why it would be disastrous to see each for sex. You will get hurt badly. Because one day, she will have to break it to you that she's seeing someone and can't keep having sex with you. This is not the path to reconciliation, if that's what you're pondering. It's the path to more heartbreak for you.

 

She made a choice to end the relationship. She's not in love, or she would never dream of letting you go. That's the harsh reality. It's not to say she was never in love with you, but obviously that is no longer the case or you would still be her boyfriend. Show her what life is like without you at all. She will either decide she doesn't like what that looks like after all and reach out to find you, or she will know in heart that breaking up was the correct decision.

[salparadise]

Attention is the single best predictor of a sustainable relationship. The couples who have great relationships after ten or twenty years together have this in common. They acknowledge and prioritize each other in big and small ways. Her dearth of attention and your dissatisfaction are indications that this one wasn't meant to be.

 

Discord is also bad, which most people deem obvious, but if you're attached to someone and fight often you might rationalize that since the fights aren't too bad, always get resolved, are fair and respectful, etc., that it's really not a problem. Not true. Love and attachment are not the same thing.

 

I've been around the block a time or two, having had relationships with high conflict, avoidant types, disingenuous types, etc. I am now dating a wonderful woman who gives me plenty of attention without me having to ask, and virtually no conflict. It's different by an order of magnitude.

 

Don't settle for less. Don't shortchange yourself just to get laid regularly. Wait for a great one before locking it down.

[Synyster]

Wow.. You're a bigger man than me. There's no way I could do that. Down grading from significant other to a service provider.

 

Yeah, we'll see how long that'll last. Ofc i wanna have sex but i think i'd be hard to let her go if we keep having sex. If she wants to end it i should respect it and let her go. I want her to come back because she wants to herself, not cuz she's used to seeing me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah, we'll see how long that'll last. Ofc i wanna have sex but i think i'd be hard to let her go if we keep having sex. If she wants to end it i should respect it and let her go. I want her to come back because she wants to herself, not cuz she's used to seeing me.

 

You won't be able to let her go if you continue to sleep together.

 

Imagine this: she calls you up, you agree to meet, you have a nice night and have sex, cuddle in the morning. Maybe even have breakfast together. You think this looks promising, you think you can do this sex-with-ex deal.

 

Then she goes on her way. You are wondering what she is thinking, if she misses you. Heck, you can still smell her perfume on your pillow. You keep looking at your phone to see if she has texted you, saying she had a great time, would like to do it again. But she doesn't text you. Okay, maybe she'll text the next day. But she doesn't.

 

You take a peek at her social media, see that she's been active online. And you wonder why she has time to like some guy's photo or comment on a photo she's tagged in from a night out with her friends- but she hasn't bothered to contact you. So you start thinking of every scenario..who is the guy whose photo she liked? Where did she meet him? Why did he leave a smiley face on her timeline? Where was she on that night out with her friends?

 

So you give in to temptation and text her. She replies, polite but distant. She seems busy. You chalk it up to work, but secretly you are wondering who has her attention.

 

You go back to bed alone. You wonder if she will call again. You will wonder how a woman who used to love you can now just waltz in and out of your bed, and carry on with her day like it's no big deal. You text her now and then. Sometimes she answers, sometimes she doesn't.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat. Until she becomes so distant you have to ask her what's going on. And she tells you that she doesn't feel right about this anymore. That it's leading you on, that she doesn't want to label what you are, that she's met someone new. That you two need to stop seeing each other. While you were reading into signs that she just might be coming around, she has in fact been moving on the entire time.

 

OP - do you like the sound of the above? Because that is what you are signing up for if you agree to this ridiculous FWB-idea. Don't do that to yourself. There might not ever be a "you and her" again, but if there is, that is so not the way it will happen.

[Synyster]

You won't be able to let her go if you continue to sleep together.

 

Imagine this: she calls you up, you agree to meet, you have a nice night and have sex, cuddle in the morning. Maybe even have breakfast together. You think this looks promising, you think you can do this sex-with-ex deal.

 

Then she goes on her way. You are wondering what she is thinking, if she misses you. Heck, you can still smell her perfume on your pillow. You keep looking at your phone to see if she has texted you, saying she had a great time, would like to do it again. But she doesn't text you. Okay, maybe she'll text the next day. But she doesn't.

 

You take a peek at her social media, see that she's been active online. And you wonder why she has time to like some guy's photo or comment on a photo she's tagged in from a night out with her friends- but she hasn't bothered to contact you. So you start thinking of every scenario..who is the guy whose photo she liked? Where did she meet him? Why did he leave a smiley face on her timeline? Where was she on that night out with her friends?

 

So you give in to temptation and text her. She replies, polite but distant. She seems busy. You chalk it up to work, but secretly you are wondering who has her attention.

 

You go back to bed alone. You wonder if she will call again. You will wonder how a woman who used to love you can now just waltz in and out of your bed, and carry on with her day like it's no big deal. You text her now and then. Sometimes she answers, sometimes she doesn't.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat. Until she becomes so distant you have to ask her what's going on. And she tells you that she doesn't feel right about this anymore. That it's leading you on, that she doesn't want to label what you are, that she's met someone new. That you two need to stop seeing each other. While you were reading into signs that she just might be coming around, she has in fact been moving on the entire time.

 

OP - do you like the sound of the above? Because that is what you are signing up for if you agree to this ridiculous FWB-idea. Don't do that to yourself. There might not ever be a "you and her" again, but if there is, that is so not the way it will happen.

 

I agree? Thats why i said no. That she should figure it out and if she decides to be with someone else, we're definitly over, if she wants to come back i hope she does of her own will. If not: so be it.

 

I started this because i had a question if you'd think, based on our story you read, that there's a chance she might come back.

Even tho i appreciate the warnings and help, i just wanted to know if she'd come back. Not if there's other guys.

Hope i don't come off as rude

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree? Thats why i said no. That she should figure it out and if she decides to be with someone else, we're definitly over, if she wants to come back i hope she does of her own will. If not: so be it.

 

I started this because i had a question if you'd think, based on our story you read, that there's a chance she might come back.

Even tho i appreciate the warnings and help, i just wanted to know if she'd come back. Not if there's other guys.

Hope i don't come off as rude

 

Yes, and I addressed that in a previous post.

 

My feeling is that no, she won't be back.

[basil67]

I don't think there's another guy on the scene. But the previous comment I gave still stands: She's tired of being told that she's not meeting your needs and has moved on. She's also now free to dedicate herself to her work without having to worry about a boyfriend.